Us Against The World
by JoyfulHeartEO
Summary: In the aftermath of the shooting at the precinct, Elliot has been avoiding Olivia. But when she gets some life changing news and needs her best friend will he be there for her or will she have to fix him before she can fix herself?
1. Chapter 1

**Okay so my idea for this came from watching the Lifetime movie FIVE. Warning it will be sad...but its centered around the friendship between Olivia and Elliot. Takes place after the season 12 finale...and how Elliot leaving has changed both Olivia and Elliot. And with life changing news for Olivia...how will she take care of herself when the one person she needs needs help too? Will they be able to save each other?**

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><p>Olivia sat in the doctors office trying her best to actually listen to what her doctor was saying. She had started to zone out as soon as she uttered the words Stage three breast cancer. The last few months of her life had been a blur, she couldn't remember much of it. Ever since Cragen had told her that Elliot wasn't coming back…nothing else made sense anymore.<p>

And now here she was being told she could die very soon, and she was all alone. "Ms. Benson?"

Olivia shook her head and looked at Dr. Cooper. "I'm sorry…I…I just…"

Dr. Cooper smiled. "Olivia I know that this is hard to take in…but you should know that this isn't a death sentence. There are options…"

Olivia nodded. "Right. I know…"

Dr. Cooper paused for a moment. "Is there anyone I can call for you? You probably shouldn't be alone right now…"

Olivia shook her head; the only person she wanted hadn't spoken to her in months. "No. No there's no one to call…"

"No family? No friends?" Dr. Cooper asked skeptically.

"I don't want to burden them." Olivia said licking her lips. "It's not…I've taken care of myself for a long time. I can handle this…"

"But it would be easier if you had support…" Dr. Cooper said. "I see this happen to people everyday…and I have to be honest with you, the ones that have support always tend to fare better than those who don't."

Olivia felt her eyes begin to water. "What's the next step? Surgery? Radiation? What?"

Dr. Cooper sighed. "Well we would like to perform a lumpectomy. And then after that we would start radiation…if you are up too it."

Olivia nodded. "I'm up for it."

"Good. Well we could schedule you for surgery on Friday at ten in the morning, the sooner we do it the better." Dr. Cooper said looking through some files.

"Friday. Three days…uh yeah. I'll have to talk to my boss and-" Olivia said scratching her head.

Dr. Cooper looked up at her again. "Olivia I know that you are a Detective with the Special Victims Unit…I know your job is important to you. But I have to tell you that I can only do so much. If you don't take some time for yourself…to really take to the treatments then things won't go as well for you. You're going to need to take time off work…until further notice."

Olivia stared at her for a moment, the thought of not working was strange for her. "I…I don't' know if I can do that…"

Dr. Cooper stood up and walked around her desk, she sat down on the corner of it. "Olivia…I know this is scary. And I'm going to do everything I can to help you through this…but I can't do it alone."

Olivia's stared at her for a moment. "Be honest with me…do you think I'm going to die?"

Dr. Cooper shook her head. "You know I can't tell you for sure…"

Olivia nodded and looked down at her hands that were folded in her lap, they were shaking slightly. "There are so many things I wanted to do before I died…so many things I need to say to people."

"You still have time." Dr. Cooper said. "It's like I said…this isn't a death sentence. For some people it's just the beginning of a new life…"

Olivia looked back up at her. "Yeah maybe…"

"It won't be easy…but you seem like a very strong woman. You'd have to be to do what you do everyday…I know you can beat this if you really try." She said.

Olivia licked her lips. "Alright…"

"I know I can't tell you what to do…but I really wish you would call someone. You shouldn't be doing this alone…" She said worriedly.

Olivia stood up. "So I guess I'll see you Friday then? Anything I should do to prepare for it?"

"Just take a few days to yourself…" Dr. Cooper said. "Try not to worry to much…try and relax."

Olivia picked up her bag and walked towards the door. "Relax. Right…"

"If you have anymore concerns or questions please don't hesitate to call." She said.

Olivia smiled one last time and then walked out of the office. She walked out onto the streets of New York, it was October and the air was cool. Not to cold yet for snow but she could feel it would only be a matter of time.

It was a strange thing, after hearing that there was a possibility of death soon her senses seemed heightened in some way. Every sound was louder, every color was brighter. Every child that passed her reminded her of the life she could have had if she hadn't been married to her job for so long.

She felt so insignificant in this sea of people, and for the first time in her life she felt completely alone. She did the only thing she could think to do, she hailed a cab and went to the one house she had been avoiding for months.

Walking up to the front door, she lifted her hand and knocked waiting for someone to answer. She saw the blond hair through the glass and knew it was Kathy.

She smiled softly. "Hey Kathy…sorry to just show up like this."

Kathy smiled at her. "It's okay…how are you?"

Olivia couldn't help but laugh, but she wasn't ready to talk about it, not yet. "I'm good. I'm fine…is uh…is Elliot here?"

Kathy stared at her for a moment. "He didn't call you?"

Olivia's heart started to beat a little faster. "No…I haven't talked to him since…" She paused. "Where is he?"

"He moved out after the shooting. Our divorced will be finalized next week…he's living with Bernie." Kathy said.

Olivia opened her mouth to say something, then shut it again. "I…didn't realize…" She looked down. "I'm so sorry."

Kathy sighed. "You know I love Elliot…but I think that this has been a long time coming. The shooting at the precinct was the final push for him though…I only wish I could help him. He's so lost…"

Olivia looked back up at her, tears in her eyes. "How are the kids?"

Kathy shrugged. "They are just as worried as I am…but there giving him his space. I talk to Bernie every couple of days…she says he's kind of just taking things day by day."

Olivia nodded. "It's all you can do sometimes…"

Kathy stared at her for a moment. "I kind of just assumed he would have called you…you understand him so much more than I do."

Olivia shook her head. "No. I tried calling the first couple of weeks…and then I just gave up. I figured he would call if he needed me…"

Kathy nodded. "Well we both know how stubborn he can be."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah. I guess we do."

Kathy looked Olivia up and down, she seemed different. "How are you? I can't imagine the shooting was easy for you either…"

Olivia swallowed hard. "It hasn't been easy…but I'm just pushing through ya know? I don't really have many other options."

"There's something else…" Kathy whispered. "Something else is going on with you."

Olivia felt her heart begin to beat fast again, could she tell she had cancer? Was it something that people would be able to sense? Could you smell death on her? Olivia pulled her sweater around her tighter as if she could trap death inside her body…

"Just…stressed." Olivia said trying to smile. "I just…I wanted to see Elliot. See if he was okay…we never really talked about what happened."

Kathy clearly didn't believe Olivia, but she knew better than to push her. "Well you can find him at Bernie's…you can try to call or go see him. I can't promise you he will be nice…"

Olivia smirked. "No one ever could promise that…"

Kathy chuckled. "I guess you're right." She paused. "But then again maybe you're exactly the person he needs to see…you would understand what he was going through."

Olivia nodded. "Yeah maybe…"

"Well if you see him…let me know how he is okay? I know Bernie…she might be covering for him. You say it like it is…and despite everything I don't want Elliot to be sad. I don't like to think of him hurting…" Kathy whispered.

Olivia smiled. "I'll let you know what happens if I see him…"

Kathy nodded. "Good. Thanks Olivia. You…take care of yourself okay?"

Olivia stared at her for a moment, almost ready to blurt the words out but she knew she couldn't. "Yeah. I will. You too Kathy…and tell the kids I said hi and that I miss them."

"They miss you too…stop by sometime again soon." Kathy said smiling before walking in the house.

Olivia sighed and walked back to her car. She pulled out of the driveway and drove about a mile from the house…she pulled off the side of the road and felt the lump in her throat building. She hadn't cried in months…she had been holding it all in for so long it was like an explosion once it started.

She was crying for all the victims, for the girl that Elliot had killed. She cried for Cragen, Fin, Munch and all her friends. She cried for Elliot's children and Kathy and the pain they were feeling. She cried for Elliot who was in a place she didn't think she could pull him out of. And she cried for herself…suddenly thinking that she had wasted so much time. For so many years she felt that the clock was too slow…she was just dragging along. And now the clock was ticking away fast…and she couldn't keep up didn't know what was going to happen.

But if she left this earth…would anyone notice? Would anyone miss her? Sure she had friends…but did they need her? There were so many things she had wanted to say to them all, especially Elliot and now she didn't know if she could.

But there were a few questions she needed answered that she couldn't ignore. She wasn't afraid of many things…but suddenly the idea of death terrified her. She had been okay for so long with not believing in God…not having religion but now she felt she needed it. What happened after you died? She needed to know…just in case.

She sniffled and picked up her cell phone and dialed Cragen's number. "Hey Olivia. Where are you? We just caught a case and I need you down here, it's a mad house."

"Cap remember when you asked if I needed some time off…" She said, her voice shaking as she spoke.

Cragen waited a moment. "Yeah I do…"

"This probably isn't the best time…but I need that time now. I really need it…" She whispered.

Cragen sighed. "I understand Olivia. Take all the time you need…just keep in touch okay? I want to know that you're okay. And if you need anything…let me know."

Olivia wiped her tears away. "Yeah I will. Thanks Cap…"

She hung up the phone and went back to her apartment. Her brain was on overdrive as she packed a quick bag. Before she knew it she was back in the car and driving towards Elliot's mothers house. She had only been there once but it was like something was leading here there, she had no problems finding it. She pulled into the driveway, she checked her mirror to make sure there was no sign of tears.

She took a deep breath and braced herself, she was about to see Elliot again and she wasn't sure what she was going to find. She knew he wouldn't be the same person she remembered…he couldn't possibly be that same Elliot.

She didn't even know if she was here to save him, or to save herself. All she knew was that she needed him, and maybe in some way he needed her too. Maybe just maybe…they could save each other.

She walked up to the front door and knocked gently before waiting for someone to answer it.

She smiled when Bernie opened the door. "Hello Mrs. Stabler…"

Bernie smiled at her. "Olivia…I was wondering if you were going to come."

Olivia smiled sheepishly. "I didn't know he was here until a few hours ago…I should have come sooner."

Bernie shrugged. "You have your own life…"

"How is he?" Olivia asked nervously. "I tried calling him for the first few weeks…but when he didn't answer I kind of just assumed he didn't want to see or talk to me."

Bernie sighed. "You know my son just as well as I do…maybe even better. He's stubborn. He keeps saying he's fine but I know that inside he's broken…he blames himself for what happened at the precinct."

"He saved a lot of lives that day…" Olivia whispered.

Bernie nodded. "Yes. But he still took a young girls life…and that is something he can't seem to get past."

Olivia nodded. "Is he here?"

"He actually just went out for a run down by the beach…do you want to come in and wait for him to get back?" Bernie asked stepping back further into the house.

Olivia smiled. "Please."

Bernie smiled as Olivia entered the house, she shut the door behind her. "I just made some tea…would you like a cup?"

Olivia smiled. "That would be wonderful. Thank you."

Bernie led her towards the kitchen were Olivia sat down at the counter, she watched as Bernie reached for a second cup. "So…are you still working?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I couldn't leave…no where else to go really."

Bernie put the cup in front of her. "Must be hard…"

Olivia picked up the cup. "Thank you." She took a sip before putting it down. "I've been doing this for so long…I think part of me is just immune to the sadness sometimes. But I won't pretend that this time around isn't different…"

"Did you get a new partner?" Bernie asked sitting across from Olivia.

"Yes. I did. His name is Nick Amaro…" Olivia said taking another sip of her tea.

"How's that going?" Bernie said raising an eyebrow at her ash she added more sugar to her tea.

Olivia sighed. "He's a good Detective…he's young. We but heads but…it works I guess."

"It's not what you and Elliot had though." Bernie said shaking her head.

Olivia smiled. "No…no it's not. I don't' think I'll ever have a partner like Elliot again…he is one of a kind."

Bernie chuckled. "You can say that again."

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "You can be honest with me you know…I'm a big girl. How is he doing…I mean really doing?"

Bernie sighed, her shoulders slumped. "I've seen my son through a lot of bad times in his life…but I've never seen him like this. He's so closed off…more so than he ever has been before. He barely speaks…he just exists, he's not living."

Olivia's heart broke at his words. "I wish he would have reached out to me…"

Bernie shook her head. "You know he's to proud to ask for help. I was shocked enough as it is when he showed up here and asked to stay with me…you know as well as anyone else we don't' have the best relationship."

"Despite everything he loves you…" Olivia said shrugging. "You're his Mom…"

Bernie smiled as a tear escaped the corner of her eye. "Yes. I am…" She cleared her throat. "I thought about calling you a few times…but I didn't want to pry."

"You could have." Olivia said smiling. "I'd do anything for Elliot…he's my best friend."

Bernie smiled and reached over to squeeze her hands. "He's more than just your best friend Olivia…"

Olivia stared at her for a moment; her heart was beating quickly again. "What do you mean?"

Bernie opened her mouth to respond when the women heard the front door open, Olivia suddenly felt light headed. "Ma? You here? Whose car is in the driveway?" A breathless Elliot said as he walked towards the kitchen.

"He's not the same man you remember Olivia…" Bernie whispered.

"I'm not the same either Bernie…" Olivia whispered back.

Bernie smiled sympathetically. "He's in there somewhere…just don't give up right away okay?" She stood up and walked around Olivia. "In the kitchen Elliot."

Elliot walked down the hall and into the kitchen. "Whose car is in the driveway?" He asked.

Bernie moved so that he could see Olivia. "You have a visitor dear…"

The lump was back in Olivia's throat, he looked the same, maybe older somewhat but just as beautiful as she remembered. "Hey El…"

Elliot stood in the kitchen entryway, he couldn't move. He had been trying to hard to forget about this woman since he left his job…and now here she was in his only sanctuary, his only safe place.

"Liv…" He whispered. "What are you doing here?"

Olivia looked at Bernie who just smiled. "You know I promised Mrs. Butler I'd help her redecorate…I think I'll go see if she has some time now."

She left the room making it the first time that Elliot and Olivia had been alone in a very long time. The space between them was only a few feet but it felt like miles, Olivia felt like she was going to be sick. There was so much she wanted and needed to say…but she couldn't seem to find the right words.

"I uh…I went to your house…Kathy told me you were here." Olivia whispered softly.

"Why did you do that?" Elliot asked. "You shouldn't have bothered Kathy or my kids…and you shouldn't have bothered my Mom."

Olivia had expected some hostility from him, but it didn't make it hurt any less. "I was worried about you…we've all been worried. You wouldn't answer my calls so I thought-"

"You know for such a good detective you can't take simple cues can you? Me not answering my phone meant I didn't want to talk to you…" Elliot said glaring at her.

Olivia swallowed hard, she was beginning to lose her nerve. "Elliot I know you're upset…I know what happened was really bad but-"

"You should go." Elliot said shaking his head. "I'm not coming back if that's what you came here for. I'm done with that life…I'm moving on now."

Olivia stood up slowly. "This isn't moving on Elliot…this is you hiding from your fears. You can't do this to yourself…you can't blame yourself for what happened. It wasn't your fault…"

Elliot tensed as she got closer to him. "There you go again trying to act like my shrink…I didn't ask for your help Olivia. I don't need it…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "Maybe you don't need me…but I need you Elliot. And I don't care if that is selfish of me…I just…I need you okay? You weren't the only one that was affected by that day. Did you really think that when you walked away it wouldn't affect all of us? Nothing's the same anymore…and maybe it won't ever be the same but you're a real jackass to do what you did. After twelve years you didn't even say goodbye…"

"You did that before." Elliot said shrugging. "Just taking a note out of your book."

Olivia glared at him. "Low blow Elliot…"

"But you can't deny it…you did the same thing." Elliot said crossing his arms.

"Yeah okay I walked away…but I didn't fall off the face of the earth. You knew where I was. I didn't know where you were…I didn't know if you were okay!" Olivia yelled.

"Why do you care?" Elliot asked. "People get new partners all the time…what's the big deal?"

Olivia stared at him, shaking her head in disbelief. "Because you are my best friend. You are the only person I have in my life that I really trust…and you broke my heart when you walked away. Did you know that Cragen made me clear out your desk? Every picture…every piece of paper was like a dagger to my heart as I put it in the boxes. How could you do that to me after all this time?"

Elliot stared at her. "So sorry for not thinking about your feelings for once…"

Olivia looked down; the tears were threatening to spill over again. "Elliot…you're not the only one hurting right now."

Elliot leaned against the door frame. "What do you want from me Liv?"

She looked back up at him. "I want my best friend back…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't think he exists anymore Olivia…"

"How do you know if you haven't looked for him?" Olivia asked. "I'm looking at you right now…and yeah I'll admit your different but I believe that my Elliot is still in there somewhere…" She paused and walked closer to him. "What can I do to help you find him again?"

Elliot's voice cracked as he tried to talk to her. "I don't know Liv…for the first time in my life I literally have no answers."

"Yeah well when we became partners it meant we looked out for each other right?" Olivia asked, he nodded slowly. "Well I'm not letting you without a fight Stabler…you're not alone."

Elliot stepped closer to her and pulled her in for a hug. "I'm sorry." He said as he held her tightly to him. "I'm so sorry Liv…"

Olivia wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. "Everything is going to be okay Elliot…everything's going to be okay…" She wasn't sure if she was saying it more for him or for herself.

Elliot pulled back, she could see the tears in his eyes something she had rarely seen. "I really need to believe that…I'm starting to now that you are here though."

She felt guilty not telling him about her cancer, she didn't want to fix him only to break his heart again. But she knew she wasn't ready, maybe it was selfish but she couldn't handle her own truth yet. She felt like if she fixed him first, she would be able to take care of herself later.

Olivia pulled back and smiled at him. "You look tired…" She whispered cupping his cheek in her hands.

Elliot sighed. "I haven't been sleeping much…"

Olivia nodded. "That makes two of us…"

He stared at her for a moment. "I'm sorry I yelled at you…I'm just so messed up right now."

Olivia shook her head. "Forget about it. Over the last twelve years we've both done our fair share of yelling…I learned to get over it quite quickly."

He smiled at her before wiping away a tear in the corner of his eye. "Will you stay? At least for tonight?"

Olivia smiled. "I brought a bag…even if you had kicked me out I probably would have slept in my car."

Elliot chuckled. "Stubborn as always I see…"

"Yeah. I am…just like my partner." She said nudging him.

Elliot sighed and stared deep into her eyes. "I can't go back Liv…not just now. Maybe not ever…"

Olivia shrugged, thinking that even if he wanted to go back he might not have a partner to go back to soon. "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it okay? Let's just take one day at a time…"

Elliot nodded. "Alright." He reached a hand out and cupped her face in his hand this time. "Thank you for coming…"

"Of course." Olivia said winking at him. "What are best friends for?" She turned back to her tea. "My tea is getting cold…"

Elliot walked around the counter and took his Mom's seat. "Sit…talk. Drink…"

Olivia smiled and sat across from her, it felt like years ago that he Doctor had given her the diagnosis. It didn't feel real sitting here with Elliot like nothing had ever happened. All she knew was that this was exactly where she needed to be…Elliot needed her. And in some strange way…being here for him was helping her too. The rest of her problems could wait…at least until Friday at ten a.m.

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><p><strong>What did you think? Let me know. I haven't forgotten about "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" I'll be working on both so don't expect updates right away. :) Thanks for reading! <strong> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the feedback guys :) To the anonymous reviewers complaining about how Elliot and Olivia were never going to get together and that Elliot beloved with Kathy...thats your opinion. It's called fanFICTION for a reason. It's obviously not real...if you don't like it don't read it. Thanks :) **

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><p>The next morning, Olivia woke up in the guest bedroom in Bernie's house. The sun was streaming through the window and she could smell the salty ocean air. She sat up and stretched, today was the first full day she would be living with the idea that she had breast cancer. She pushed her legs over the side of the bed and let her bare feet hit the cold ground before she lifted herself up and went to look in the mirror.<p>

She stared at herself for a moment, taking in the lines on her face, every freckle and mark on her body. Slowly, she lifted her shirt up over her head and stood there half naked. She lifted her shaking hands and reached out to her left breast, she felt the lump right away and sighed. It wasn't just a bad dream…her eyes welled up with tears.

"Olivia?" A soft voice asked as she entered the room.

Olivia quickly grabbed her shirt and pulled it over her head. "Oh!"

Bernie stood in the doorway, her face red with embarrassment. "Oh I'm sorry Olivia! I should have waited for you to let me in."

Olivia wiped her tears away. "No. No it's okay…"

Bernie stared at her for a moment. "Are you crying?"

Olivia sniffled slightly. "I'm fine Bernie…just a lot on my mind."

Bernie walked into the room and shut the door behind her. "Is there anything I can do to help? You're here to help my son and for that I owe you…"

Olivia smiled and shook her head. "No. There isn't anything you can do…I'll be fine. And you don't owe me anything…Elliot is my best friend of course I'm here for him."

Bernie stared at her for a moment. "You're not a good liar you know…I can tell something is wrong."

Olivia held her arms tighter around her upper body as if Bernie could see the lump through her shirt. "Really I'm fine Bernie…"

The older woman shook her head and smiled. "You and Elliot are so much a like it's scary…and yet different in so many ways too."

Olivia smiled. "Well we've worked together for a long time…I supposed we have rubbed off on one another over the years."

Bernie smiled. "Yes well…Elliot is making breakfast right now. I'm just on my way out for a couple of days."

"Couple of days?" Olivia asked. "I hope you're not leaving because of me…"

Bernie shook her head. "Oh no…not because of you dear. I had promised a friend of mine in the city I would be visiting. She recently lost her husband you see and she's feeling quite lonely…"

Olivia nodded sympathetically. "Oh. I'm sorry."

Bernie sighed. "It's all apart of life I suppose…we are born, we live, we die…"

Olivia swallowed hard, why did it seem like the idea of death was everywhere lately? "Yes…I suppose you are right."

Bernie nodded. "Alright. Well please make yourself at home…Elliot seems happier even in just the short time you have been here. I'll call and check in alright?"

Olivia smiled. "Okay. Safe drive. And please send my condolences to your friend…"

Bernie smiled. "I will dear." She walked to the door and opened it before slowly turning back to Olivia. "You know…just because you are here to help Elliot doesn't mean you should forget about taking care of yourself too Olivia…"

Olivia stared at her for a moment; she swore Bernie could see right through her. "I know…" She whispered.

Bernie smiled sadly before nodding her head and then walking out of the room again. Olivia sighed and ran a hand over her face; this was going to be harder than she thought.

She quickly changed her clothes before bracing herself for facing a whole day with Elliot. She not only had to find a way to help him break through his problems, but she either had to hide her sickness or come clean with it. As hard as it might be, she was afraid that telling him would mean admitting it to herself and she wasn't sure she was ready for that just yet.

As she walked out of her bedroom, her nose was filled with the smell of waffles and bacon. She had no idea that Elliot knew how to cook…

He smiled at her when she walked in, she sat at the counter across from where he stood at the stove. "Good morning…" He said.

She smiled. "Good morning. This is honestly something I never thought I would see…you cooking."

Elliot put a large waffle onto a plate with some bacon and fruit and placed it in front of her. "I guess there are still things you don't know about me after all these years…"

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Guess not…"

Elliot made his own plate and sat down across from her. "I heard you yell…everything okay?"

Olivia smiled. "Oh yeah…your Mom just scared me a bit." She laughed. "I guess after living on my own for so long I'm not used to having people around when I wake up…"

Elliot smirked. "Yeah she tends to just walk into rooms…never knocks."

"She's nosy…must be where you get it from." Olivia teased as she took a strawberry and popped it in her mouth.

Elliot rolled his eyes. "Look whose talking…you drove all the way here to butt into my life."

Olivia shrugged. "Yeah well…I was tired of being ignored."

Elliot nodded. "I guess I probably would have done the same thing…"

Olivia laughed. "Yeah you would have."

Elliot watched her as she ate for a few moments; she looked different than what he remembered. She was still beautiful, but she looked tired and worn out. He felt guilty, because he knew that she had been right, he had not been the only one affected by the shooting but he had only been thinking about himself. And yet here she was taking time out of her life to take care of him. Always thinking of others…

"So…how is everyone?" Elliot asked nervously.

Olivia looked up at him. "Alright I suppose…we're all just trying to do our jobs the best we can."

"Did you…get a new partner?" Elliot asked knowing fully well that she must have.

Olivia poured herself some orange juice and nodded. "Yeah I did. His name is Nick Amaro."

Elliot felt the dagger through his heart when she said he, but he tried to pretend it didn't bother him. "How's that going?"

Olivia shrugged. "It will take some getting used too…we haven't quite figured each other out yet. But he's a good cop…he's young but he's smart."

Elliot nodded. "That's good."

Olivia nodded and looked at him for a moment. "Are you really never coming back?"

Elliot sighed and put his fork down. "I don't know yet…I don't think I can."

Olivia pushed the waffle around on her plate. "Okay…" She sighed. "I respect your decision…but it doesn't mean I like it."

Elliot smiled. "No of course not."

"You know there are a lot of questions I want to ask…but I'm afraid you'll get mad if I ask them." Olivia said whispering as she looked down at her plate.

Elliot was quiet for a moment. "Well ask away…I can't promise I'll answer them but you can try."

Olivia put her fork down and looked up at him, she pulled the sweater she had on tighter around her arms. "How come you left Kathy?"

Elliot cleared his throat and fidgeted in his seat. "The job had been driving us apart for years…you know that. I think it was just time. I could see how much I was dragging her down and I didn't think it was fair to her anymore."

Olivia nodded. "What about your kids?"

Elliot sighed. "I miss them. And I have a lot of explaining to do when I find the courage…but I hope they love me enough to let me go through this right now."

Olivia nodded. "They do. You know they do…"

Elliot smiled. "I guess only time will tell…"

Olivia picked up another strawberry and popped it in her mouth before asking. "How come you didn't call me?"

Elliot smiled. "I figured you were going to ask that…"

"Is that one of the questions you don't want to answer?" She asked breaking a piece of bacon off for herself.

Elliot laughed and bit his own piece of bacon. "I don't want to answer it but I know that you won't stop asking until I do…"

She smirked. "You know me so well…"

Elliot smiled. "Yeah. I do." He paused and began to cut up his waffle. "I guess I didn't call because I wasn't sure what to say to you…I was embarrassed…"

"Embarrassed?" Olivia asked feeling confused. "Why?"

Elliot sighed. "Because I ran away like a coward…"

Olivia shook her head. "You aren't a coward Elliot…you are one of the strongest and bravest men I know. No one would ever call you a coward." She said honestly.

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "Thanks…"

She shrugged. "Just being honest…" She took another sip of her orange juice. "Next question…" She put her cup down before looking back up at him. "How come you came to live with your Mom?"

Elliot smiled. "Why do you think I'm a loser?"

Olivia laughed. "No. Just surprised I guess…"

Elliot nodded and sighed. "I don't know really…I guess I just needed to get out of the city completely ya know? I needed to clear my head…something about the ocean air seemed inviting."

Olivia smiled. "I can understand that…I've been here less than 24 hours and yet I'm already feeling better."

Elliot smiled at her. "Can I ask you something now?"

Olivia nodded. "Sure. Go ahead…can't promise I'll answer it." She said mocking him.

Elliot chuckled. "Fair enough." He paused and pushed his plate away before leaning onto the counter. "I feel like we've been talking a lot about me…and not at all about you. How are you doing Olivia?"

Olivia felt that now would be a good time to mention the whole cancer thing, and yet she couldn't seem to form the words so she did the only thing she could think of. She lied.

"Oh you know me…" Olivia said shrugging, attempting to smile. "Always push through…try not to dwell. I'm fine El…really I'm fine."

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her. "You don't look fine…"

Olivia rolled her eyes playfully. "Always the sweet talker…"

He laughed. "You know what I mean…you seem different. I can't put my finger on what it is exactly…but something's off."

Olivia stared deep into his eyes and sighed. "Well you weren't the only one that changed that day Elliot…and losing my best friend didn't make things any better."

Elliot felt the guilt rip through his heart at her words. "I'm sorry…"

Olivia nodded and looked down. "It's okay…people grow apart. It's all part of life I suppose. I guess with you though…I always just figured we'd be in each others lives…maybe that's selfish but you're the only person I've ever consistently had. It scared me when you weren't there anymore…" She said honestly before looking back up at him.

Elliot swallowed the lump in his heart. "It's not selfish…just because I ran away doesn't mean I didn't need you too. There were so many times I thought about calling…but I just couldn't bring myself to do it."

Olivia licked her lips. "I wish you had…I was so worried about you."

Elliot sighed and sat up straight again in his stool. "I guess we can't change the past…"

Olivia shook her head. "No. I guess we can't…"

"I'm suddenly not really all that hungry…" Elliot whispered.

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not either…it was good. But I don't think I can finish it…"

Elliot nodded. "Want to go for a walk?"

Olivia smiled. "I'd like that…"

Elliot smiled and stood up. "You should get a coat…it's getting pretty cold out there."

Olivia smiled and stood up too. "Meet you outside in a minute?"

Elliot nodded. "Sure."

* * *

><p>After they both got their jackets and Elliot put their plates in the sink, Olivia met Elliot out on the front porch. He smiled at her as they walked silently down the path towards the beach, it was chilly but they both felt safe somehow.<p>

"It really is beautiful here…" Olivia said as they walked along the coast line. "I can see why you would want to be here…"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah…it seems like a completely different world than the city. Everything is just…calmer, quieter…safer somehow."

"Almost like all your problems will just get washed away with the tide…" Olivia whispered.

Elliot looked over at her and smiled. "Exactly." She smiled back at him before looking down at the sand as Elliot began to talk again. "So…what are you doing about work?"

Olivia sighed. "I told Cragen I needed some time off…it will probably just be for a few days. I need to be in court on Friday with Casey…she's back." Olivia said lying about court, she figured he wouldn't check up on her if she said it was work related.

Elliot nodded slowly. "Oh…so you'll be leaving soon then?"

Olivia nodded. "Probably sometime tomorrow night…I have to be at the courthouse at ten."

Elliot looked out at the horizon. "Right…"

"I can't stay forever…" Olivia whispered before stopping, Elliot came to a halt beside her before turning slowly to stare at her. "You know that right?"

Elliot smiled. "Yeah…I know. Wishful thinking I guess…"

Olivia sighed. "You could always come back to the city…"

Elliot smiled again before shaking his head. "No. I can't…not yet at least."

Olivia nodded. "Okay. Fair enough…"

"I guess I just feel like…there's nothing left for me back home." Elliot said. "I feel like…I lost myself there."

Olivia shrugged. "Maybe you did. But do you think you're going to find yourself here while you are running from all your problems?"

Elliot's face hardened. "I'm not trying to run…I'm trying to figure them out."

Olivia could see the anger creeping back into his voice, she sighed. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that. I just…I hate to see you doing this to yourself."

Elliot kicked at the sand and turned back to the ocean. "I don't know…maybe the signs were there for a long time…that I was getting burnt out. Maybe I should have left sooner ya know?"

Olivia turned her attention to the ocean too, it was easier than facing him. "It's not that easy…it's a part of who we are. It's in our blood…"

Elliot nodded. "I suppose you're right…"

"I've thought about leaving so many times before…and then I think about all the victims out there who need our help and I can't do it." She said shaking her head before turning back towards him. "In some sick way…helping them helps me feel better about myself. Do you know what I mean?"

Elliot turned slowly towards her. "Yeah I do. But you shouldn't feel bad about yourself Olivia…you never give yourself enough credit. But you're one of the best people I know in this world…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment as the breeze ripped through her hair, she pushed a loose strand behind her ear before looking down at her feet. "I'm not as strong as you may think…"

Elliot lifted her chin with his fingers. "No…you're stronger."

There was so much guilt ripping through her about not telling him what was really going on. Here she was trying to push him to open up about his problems and deal with them and yet she was nothing but a hypocrite. She couldn't even form the words in her mind without wanting to run and hide.

She smiled. "I don't know about that…"

Elliot shrugged. "You're stronger than me anyway…"

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and began to walk again; she could feel him hesitate before following her. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Elliot said as he fell into step beside her. "What's up?"

"Well…lately I've just been wondering a lot about…what else is out there…" She said, knowing very well she wasn't wording it correctly.

"I'm sorry?" Elliot asked, trying to suppress a laugh. "Are we talking supernatural stuff here? Cuz I don't know much about that…"

Olivia chuckled. "No sorry…I meant more like what happens after…we die." The last two words hit her like a ton of bricks.

Elliot was silent for a moment. "You mean like heaven?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah…I mean I didn't grow up with religion so I don't know much about it…I mean I know the general premise of it but I guess I wanted to know your thoughts. I know religion is important to you…"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah it is. But I won't say that I haven't been struggling with my faith lately…"

She hadn't expected that, he had always believed so strongly. "Oh…"

Elliot sighed. "I guess it's complicated. I mean I still believe in God…I believe in his goodness but I guess its just hard when we see so many terrible things all the time."

Olivia nodded. "Makes sense…"

"But I believe that after we die…" He paused. "Our spirits go onto heaven…where we are reunited with the people we love. There is no pain there…and you finally will find out all the answers to life."

Olivia thought about what he had said for a moment. "No pain?"

Elliot smiled and shook his head. "Nope. You aren't a physical being there ya know? Just spirit…just your soul…there is no evil there so you can't feel pain."

"That sounds…" She let out a shaky breath as they continued to walk. "That sounds really nice…"

Elliot smiled over at her. "Yeah it does…" He watched her as they continued to walk, she was clearly fighting some inner battle that she wasn't ready to talk to him about. "Why have you been thinking so much about it? Was it because of the shooting?"

Olivia shrugged. "I mean that's part of it I guess…but I'm not getting any younger…just been thinking about what happens after all this ya know?"

Elliot smiled. "Well no you aren't getting younger…but you are far from old Olivia. You have many years left…I wouldn't worry too much about death just yet."

Olivia couldn't help but laugh at the irony. "Yeah maybe…"

Elliot stopped and put his hand on her elbow to turn her to face him again. "There's something you're not telling me…"

Olivia smiled up at him, she got so lost in his beautiful blue eyes. "I'm just not ready yet El…think you can hang on just a little longer?"

Elliot stared at her and sighed. "Liv…"

She pouted as she stared at him. " You made me wait a long time for answers…just give me a few more days okay?"

Elliot nodded slowly. "Okay…"

Olivia started to walk again but he didn't follow. "Good…" She whispered trying to hold in her tears.

Elliot began to walk behind her again before he spun her around again and pulled her in for a tight hug. Olivia gasped at the closeness but she didn't fight it, it felt good to be in his arms. She felt safe…

"I know I shut you out…" He whispered into her hair. "And I am so incredibly sorry for that…but I'm here if you need me."

Olivia closed her eyes and breathed him in. "I know…"

Elliot pushed her back, she already missed the close contact but she tried to smile as he searched her eyes for answers. "Good…"

Olivia rubbed his arm gently before turning to walk along the beach again. This time he followed right away and they fell into a comfortable silence as they walked along side by side. Nothing would ever be the same again, they knew that but right now all that mattered is they were together again. Even if it was only for a short time…

* * *

><p><strong>I'll try and update soon, pretty busy with school. Hope you all have a Happy Halloween! :) Be safe and have fun! <strong> 


	3. Chapter 3

That night, Olivia was sitting on the screened in porch at the back of the house. She was sitting on a couch there wrapped up in a blanket; the fall air was getting colder by the hour. She had a cup of hot chocolate in her hands keeping her warm and she closed her eyes, leaning her head against the back of the couch. She was interrupted by her thoughts when her cell phone rang, she placed her cup beside her on the table and took out her cell, she read Fin on the speed dial.

"Hey Fin." Olivia said flipping open the phone.

Elliot had walked towards the door entryway, he hesitated knowing it was wrong to listen to her conversation or half of it anyway but he couldn't help but eavesdrop.

"Hey baby girl." Fin said on the other end. "Where are you?"

Olivia didn't know why, but she couldn't seem to tell him the truth about being with Elliot. "Just taking a few days to myself Fin…nothing to worry about."

"But you aren't at your apartment. I'm here now and you're no where to be found…" He said softly.

"Yeah I know. Just left the city for a few days…had to clear my head. I'm sorry I didn't call." Olivia said pulling her blanket around her tighter.

It wasn't lost on Elliot that she wasn't mentioning his name. "You're not gonna disappear like Stabler did are you?" Fin asked.

Olivia sighed. "No Fin. I'm coming back…I promise."

Fin was silent for a moment. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'll be fine…I just needed some space ya know? Besides…I had enough sick days lined up I had to take them sometime didn't I?" She teased.

"I suppose so…" Fin chuckled. "Well call me in a few days okay? Let me know how you're doing…"

"I will. Tell John I said hi and I'm sorry for leaving like that." Olivia said.

"I will. We're here if you need us you know…" Fin said softly.

Olivia smiled. "I know. Thank you. I'll call you soon okay?"

"Alright. Take care of yourself baby girl. Talk to you soon." Fin said before hanging up.

Olivia sighed and shut her phone and placed it on the table beside her before picking up her mug again. Elliot walked all the way onto the porch, he smiled and sat down beside her.

"Who was that?" Elliot asked.

Olivia wasn't sure how long he had been standing there, but if he was going to play like he didn't know she would play along. "Oh. Just Fin…just checking in."

Elliot nodded. "He cares about you."

Olivia took a sip of her hot chocolate. "He cares about you too you know…we all do."

Elliot smiled at her before settling into the couch. "Yeah I guess so."

"Did your Mom call yet?" Olivia asked knowing better than to push him.

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. She's safe in the city with her friend…"

"So she didn't make that story up?" Olivia asked. "I was wondering if she just wanted to get out of the house because she was afraid we would kill each other."

Elliot chuckled. "No she didn't make it up…she has been planning on going to see Mrs. Jackson for awhile. Although I thought she wasn't supposed to leave until tomorrow…"

Olivia smirked. "Oh…"

Elliot smiled at her. "Are you cold?"

Olivia shrugged. "A little…but I don't mind. It's nice out here…the sunset was beautiful."

Elliot nodded. "It is a beautiful view. I used to sit out here and do my homework as a kid…"

Olivia smiled. "Must have been nice…"

Elliot sighed. "It was…" He turned back to her, her cheeks were flushed because of the cold and he lifted his arm up and wrapped it around her shoulders. "Come here…"

Olivia tensed in his arms for a moment, she wasn't used to this much closeness with him but she couldn't pretend that she didn't like it. She finally relaxed against his touch and snuggled into his side and watched the moon reflect on the water.

"This is nice…" Olivia whispered nervously. "I haven't felt this…relaxed in a long time."

Elliot breathed her in and rested his cheek against the top of her head. "Me either…"

"Do you think it's weird that we are as close as we are?" Olivia asked curiously.

Elliot waited a moment before answering, trying to find the right words. "No. We've spent a large part of our lives together…we've experienced things that no one else could possibly understand. It would only make sense for us to be close like this…"

Olivia closed her eyes against him. "Yeah but…not all partners are as close as we are. Why do you think that is?"

Elliot smiled against her head. "I guess we're just lucky…"

Olivia lifted her head and shifted to look at him for a moment. "But you didn't feel like you could talk to me about what happened…"

Elliot grimaced. "I'm not ready to talk about that day yet okay?"

Olivia thought about arguing, but she knew she couldn't when she was hiding her own secrets from him. "Alright."

Elliot nodded and retracted his arm from around her shoulder feeling as though the moment had been ruined, he saw the pain on Olivia's face when he did so but he couldn't pull her back to him. "So…what happens when you go back to the city?"

Olivia sighed and rested her head against the back of the couch again. "I don't know…you already said that you don't want to come back yet."

Elliot sighed and rested his own head against the back of the couch. "No I'm not…"

"Well…then I guess I go home and you stay here?" She asked rolling her head to the side to stare at him.

Elliot turned his head towards her too. "Yeah I guess so…you can stay if you want you know."

Olivia smiled. "I wish I could…"

"Why can't you?" Elliot asked reaching over to push a strand of hair out of her face. "You said Cragen was willing to give you some time off…"

She was getting lost in his eyes again and it was worse now when he was asking her to stay, it seemed so much more inviting than facing the truth back home. "I have to be at court…"

"So come back afterwards…" Elliot whispered. "Hide from it all for just a little while longer…it may not be the most productive decision but who really cares?"

Olivia smiled. "Cuz its working so well for you…"

"Maybe it's not fixing my problems but it's giving me more perspective on what's important and what isn't." Elliot said.

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked snuggling deeper into the couch and her blankets.

Elliot sighed and turned his head away from her again, he closed his eyes and began to talk. "I don't I guess I feel like for so long I was just working ya know…I never really took anytime for myself. I needed this to really find some perspective…to really see if this was the life I want anymore."

"If you don't go back to SVU…what will you do?" Olivia asked curiously, the idea of him never coming back scared her almost more than cancer.

Elliot sat up before standing up to walk towards the window overlooking the beach. "I don't know…start over I guess?"

Olivia sat up and pulled her legs up onto the couch and stared at his back. "Would you live here permanently?"

"I think so." Elliot said nodding, still not turning to face her. "I guess I'd get some kind of job here…not sure what yet. I'm sure there would be something down at the police station I could do…but I don't know if I even want to do that. Maybe I'll just get some bar tending job…for now anyway."

He turned to face her as he leaned against the cool glass of the window. "You being a bartender?" Olivia smirked. "I can't picture it…"

Elliot laughed. "Just an idea…didn't say I was definitely going to do it.

Olivia smiled. "Do you think that would make you happy?"

Elliot shrugged. "I don't know what will make me happy anymore to be honest…"

Olivia's smile turned to a frown. "I hate to see you hurting like this Elliot…it breaks my heart."

Elliot tried to smile before he looked down at his feet. "It's not your job to worry about me Olivia…I know you have your own life."

"No it may not be my job…" Olivia whispered. "But it doesn't mean I don't worry…don't' you worry about me?"

Elliot looked up at her slowly, this time he was getting lost in her eyes. "Always."

She could feel something shifting in their relationship and it scared her to death. As much as she wanted it…she knew it couldn't happen. Not like this. Not when he was so far gone and she was about to face the hardest fight of her life.

"I guess that's what made us such good partners for so many years…" She whispered.

Elliot nodded. "I guess so…"

Olivia sighed. "Don't get me wrong…Nick's a good detective but he's not you. It doesn't feel the same…I feel like I've lost my touch ya know?"

"You can always leave…" Elliot whispered.

Olivia sighed. "I could…but Cragen is retiring…"

"Cragen is retiring?" Elliot asked in disbelief. "Wow…well who is taking his place?"

Olivia laughed, she didn't know who would do it now. "Well…it's supposed to be me."

Elliot's eyes widened. "You? Wow Liv that is a huge honor. Congratulations!"

Olivia smiled. "Yeah well…I don't know anymore."

Elliot walked back over to her. "What do you mean?" He asked as he sat down beside her again. "You don't want to be Captain?"

Olivia shrugged. "Let's just say there are complications now that I didn't foresee when he first offered me the position…"

"This is about the thing that you aren't telling me…" Elliot whispered, squinting his eyes at her. "Are you ready to tell me yet?"

She shook her head. "No. Not yet…"

Elliot sighed. "When will you be ready?"

"Well when will you be ready to talk about the shooting?" Olivia fired back.

Elliot smiled. "Touché…"

"It's like I said Elliot…you weren't the only one that changed that day…" She sighed turning back to look out the window.

"I guess not…" Elliot whispered, he paused for a moment. "So…what time do you think you will leave tomorrow?"

Olivia shrugged. "I haven't decided yet…why?"

Elliot smiled. "I'm just dreading being alone…"

Her heart ached for him. "So why don't you go home and see your kids?"

Elliot shook his head. "I don't want them to see me like this…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment. " Maybe they can help…"

"Maybe…" Elliot sighed again. "Maybe not…for right now I just need to figure it out without them." He paused. "Would it be selfish of me to ask you to come back?"

Olivia smiled at him. "You're entitled to be a little selfish every now and then Elliot…we all are."

Elliot smiled and asked hopefully. "So is that a yes?"

Olivia chuckled. "I'm not sure…I have to see what this court case will entail. I can't make any promises…" Olivia whispered, knowing full well that she would love to come back but wasn't sure how she would be feeling or how soon radiation would start. "How about I'll call you Friday?"

Elliot nodded slowly. "Fair enough I guess…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "Everything will be okay El…"

He smiled at her. "I know…" He stood up and walked back towards the porch entrance. "I'm pretty tired…think I might head in early tonight."

Olivia saw that he was fighting some inner battle and it was too hard to be around her. "Oh…okay."

"You're not leaving early are you?" Elliot asked. "We could go out to breakfast if you want…there's a diner on the pier."

Olivia smiled. "I'd like that…"

Elliot smiled. "Well then I guess I'll see you in the morning."

She nodded slowly. "See you in the morning…sleep well."

Elliot nodded before walking away. Olivia leaned back against the couch she was sitting on and sighed. She was hoping that being with Elliot was helping him deal with his inner demons but it was clear they were still very much there. She wanted to tell him so bad about what was going on with her, but she was afraid it would break him even more.

It was clear that for now, she was going to have to deal with her cancer without his help…

* * *

><p>The next morning, Olivia showered and got dressed before she walked out to the living room to where Elliot was watching the news.<p>

He turned towards her and smiled. "How did you sleep?"

"Good." She said lying, she had done nothing but worry not only about herself but Elliot too. "You?"

He stood up. "Better than I have lately…"

She smiled. "Good. Did you still want to go to breakfast?"

Elliot nodded. "Definitely. Ready when you are."

She pointed her hand towards the door. "Lead the way then…"

Twenty minutes later, they were sitting in the diner enjoying tea and coffee as they looked over the menu.

"We used to come here every Sunday after church." Elliot said smiling. "It was my Dads favorite place…"

Olivia smiled. "It's nice that you have that memory of him."

Elliot nodded. 'Despite everything…I love both my parents."

Olivia nodded. "I know you do."

Elliot watched as she looked back down at the menu, there were so many things he wanted to say to her but he was afraid too. "I hope you didn't think I was running out on you last night when I went to bed…I really was tired."

Olivia looked up at him again. "I know El…you don't have to explain anything to me."

He shrugged. "I mean I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad that you were leaving…it's made me feel better having you here. It's almost like if you leave…I'm afraid I'll fall back into my old funk."

Olivia leaned forward and squeezed his hand. "Elliot now that I know where you are…and what's going on I won't let you go back to that place. I promise you that…"

Elliot couldn't help but smile at her, he even felt tears brimming up in his eyes again. "I don't know what I'd do without you…I'm sorry I pushed you away."

Olivia shook her head. "You didn't El…we all go through things and need to handle them our own way. I was upset when I first found out you left…but all I care about now is that you are okay."

"It may take me awhile…but I think I can get back to a good place again." Elliot said nodding. "But I wouldn't have been able to do that if you hadn't come here to find me…you're the only person that seems to able to handle me."

Olivia laughed. "We're the only people that can handle each other."

Elliot chuckled. "Guess you're right…"

She looked down at the menu. "So…what do you recommend here?"

"Well their Omelets are pretty damn famous. Hash browns are great too…get whatever you want. It's on me." He said smiling.

Olivia looked back up at him. "No…El I can pay for my own meal."

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "Liv you've done enough for me lately…I think I can handle paying for your breakfast."

Olivia smiled. "Well…when you put it that way…"

Elliot chuckled. "I kenw I wouldn't have to fight you too hard on this one…"

Olivia shrugged. "I was taught never to turn away a free meal if there is good reason for it…"

The waitress began walking over to the table, she had fiery short red hair, large black rimmed glasses, bright clothes and a huge smile on her face. It was clear that she was one of a kind and was the reason that this Diner was so successful.

"Well hello there Elliot." She said. "Whose this pretty lady you brought to our fine establishment?"

Elliot smiled. "Hi Caroline, this is Olivia my partner at SVU. Olivia this is Caroline, the owner and head waitress here."

The older woman turned to Olivia and smiled. "So you're the one that's been saving his ass all these years?" She teased as she stuck her hand out for Olivia to shake.

Olivia laughed and shook her hand. "Oh so you've heard of me?"

Caroline laughed. "Heard of you? It's hard to get this one to stop talking about you when he visits…especially lately! It's always Olivia this…Olivia that-"

Elliot's cheeks were turning red. "Yeah, yeah…stop exaggerating Caroline…"

Caroline laughed and turned to Olivia whose own cheeks had began to blush, she winked at Olivia and leaned into him. "I will say this…you make a cuter couple than him and the blond."

"Jeez Caroline…" Elliot said trying to laugh off the situation. "That is the mother of my children you know!"

Caroline smirked. "And she's a lovely woman Elliot…you know how much I like Kathy. Just saying…there's a chemistry here you can't ignore."

Olivia couldn't even look at Elliot, but she couldn't keep from smiling as he fidgeted in his seat. "Yeah…alright well can we just order some food please?"

Caroline sighed. "Oh fine…what can I get you?" She asked turning to Olivia.

Olivia looked at Elliot quickly and then back at Caroline. "Well I've been told you have very famous Omelet's…so I think I'll have the veggie Omelet with a side of home fries please."

"Good choice." Caroline said before turning to Elliot. "And what about you Stabler? The usual?"

Elliot smiled. "Please."

Caroline smiled. "I'll put these orders right in for you then. Holler at me if you need anything you crazy kids!" She said as she began to walk away.

Olivia watched her leave and she giggled before turning back to Elliot. "Well she seems to know you very well…"

Elliot laughed, his cheeks still red. "She grew up with my Dad…she's been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. She's a great lady…a little intrusive at times but great none the less."

Olivia smiled. "She cares about you…that's all."

Elliot shrugged. "Yeah maybe…"

Olivia folded her arms on the table. "So tell me…what's your usual?"

Elliot smiled. "Clearly you didn't study the menu that well…" He reached for a menu at a table beside him and opened it up for Olivia. "Second page…half way down…"

Olivia looked up at him, her eyebrow raised before scanning the page before coming across the words 'The Elliot Stabler Breakfast Special.'

She rolled her eyes. "Just what you need…something else to fill that ego of yours. You have a breakfast named after you?"

Elliot chuckled. "Yup."

Olivia smiled and looked back down. "Okay so what do we have here…two sunny side up eggs, three slices of bacon, home-fries, a small stack of buttermilk pancakes, warm maple syrup and a cheddar cheese biscuit." She looked up at him. "Geez…hungry much?"

He shrugged. "I was a growing kid when they created that…what can I say?"

"Oh yeah and what's your excuse now?" She said closing the menu and smiling over at him.

Elliot laughed. "Now? Now my excuse is that it tastes so damn good."

She laughed and shook her head. "Unbelievable…"

Elliot smirked and leaned back in the booth. "You can't tell me that you didn't miss me these past few months…"

Olivia's smile faded slightly. "No. I guess I can't…"

The unspoken words between them were hanging over them like a dark cloud, but neither of them could open up to the other. At least not yet…

Elliot got lost in her eyes for a moment before he looked back down at his coffee and picked it up before taking a sip. "So…"

Olivia reached for her own tea. "So…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment before beginning to laugh again. "It's crazy that I would be okay with just sitting here with you for the rest of my life…never talking about anything deeper that we need to resolve. This right here…just you and me spending time together…its when I feel the most comfortable."

Olivia smiled sweetly at him. "I know what you mean…you're the only person that I feel completely comfortable with in this world. Whatever happens…just know you're my best friend okay? Know how much you mean to me…"

Elliot leaned into the table and squinted his eyes at her. "What do you mean no matter what happens? You going somewhere Benson?"

Her heart began to beat faster, and she was sure that her cheeks were turning red again. "No…I just mean…you said it yourself you don't think that you are ready or ever will be ready to come back to SVU. And if you don't…you'll still always be my best friend."

He could tell there was more, but he knew he couldn't push her when he wasn't being honest about everything himself. "Well…" He reached over and took her hand. "You're my best friend to Liv…always have been. Always will be."

Their eyes locked, daring to say all the things they were too afraid to say. It was like everything else around them stopped when his hand reached for hers. Neither of them wanted the moment to end because it was clear that things were changing all around them and they couldn't stop it no matter how much they wanted too.

Olivia pulled away first when she heard footsteps beside them signaling Caroline's return with their food. "Plates are hot…" She said as she put them down in front of them, it was very obvious to her that she had just interrupted something. "Can I…get you anything else?"

Elliot was still staring at Olivia but Olivia was ignoring his gaze, she turned toward Caroline. "No thank you. This looks wonderful! Smells unbelievable too!"

Caroline stared at Olivia and then looked at Elliot. "You okay Elliot?"

Elliot finally turned away from Olivia and over to Caroline as he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Yeah…I'm fine. Looks perfect as usual Caroline. Thanks."

The woman nodded. "Alright…you know where to find me if you need me."

As she walked away she glanced back at them one last time. Olivia grabbed her fork and knife feeling Elliot's gaze burning through her again. She cut off a piece of the Omelet before putting it in her mouth.

She looked up and smiled at him. "You were right…they are amazing."

It took him a moment but Elliot finally smiled and nodded. "Told you…"

She smiled again and then turned back to her food. Part of her wanted to stay in this place with Elliot forever, but the other part wanted to run as fast as she could. She knew that there was this bond between them, Caroline's words had just made it that much more evident for her.

And now she was faced with the prospect of dying and leaving him here alone. She didn't know what hurt more…thinking that they were going to miss out on an amazing life together or thinking about leaving him alone again.

Nothing seemed fair…

* * *

><p>Late that afternoon, Olivia's car was packed up and she and Elliot were sitting on the front step. They were quiet, and it was clear that Elliot was devastated that she was leaving again. Olivia's heart felt like it was going to j ump out of her chest. Not only did she have to say goodbye to her best friend that was clearly falling apart but tomorrow she had to have surgery and she was going all alone.<p>

"Will you call me when you get home?" Elliot asked as he stood up and turned towards her.

She stared up at him. "Sure."

He nodded. "Tell everyone…" He paused before starting to laugh. "Never mind…don't tell them anything. They probably hate me."

Olivia stood up and shook her head. "They don't hate you Elliot…they miss you and they are worried."

He nodded slowly. "Well then tell them I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye…"

She smiled. "I will."

He stared at her for a moment. "I know you're keeping something from me…and I can't even get angry with you because I've been doing that for months. I hate it…"

She laughed. "Don't you worry about me Elliot. I'm a big girl, been taking care of myself for a long time."

Elliot shrugged. "We all need help sometimes…I think I learned that with you here. So when you finally figure that out…will you call me and let me know what I can do for you?"

She smiled. "Sure."

She knew she was lying but she obviously couldn't say no. She figured Elliot could see right through her but he knew better than to argue with her about it. SO instead, he pulled her in for a tight hug and kissed the top of her head.

"Thank you Liv…thank you for being stubborn enough to not give up on me." He said as he held her close.

Olivia wrapped her arms around his waist and smiled. "I learned how to be stubborn from you El…and it's like I said you're my best friend. I won't let you go without a fight…"

He smiled against her head and kissed it one last time before pulling away again. "As much as I want you to stay….you should hit the road so you can get home before it gets dark."

Olivia sighed. "Okay…"

"Be safe." Elliot said as she started to walk towards her car. "Call me the second you get back…and if you see my kids tell them I love them."

Olivia reached her door and smirked at him. "Call them Elliot."

He sighed. "They hate me."

"No. They don't." She said as she opened the door. "Call them."

He nodded slowly. "Alright I will…"

She smiled and waved goodbye. "Tell your Mom I said bye and thank you for letting me stay."

"I will." He said as he put his hands in his pockets. "See ya Liv…"

She smiled one last time. "See ya El…take care of yourself."

She got in the car and started it, Elliot waited and waved as she drove away. Once her car was completely out of sight he turned back to the house, now that she was gone he was all alone with his thoughts again.

And the demons were already crawling into his mind…he missed her already.

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><p><strong>What did you think? Hope you liked it :) The next chapter will be Olivia going in for surgery and how Elliot is dealing with being without her again. Will Olivia's secret be revealed sooner than she would like? Review and you'll find out sooner! <strong> 


	4. Chapter 4

**There have been a couple of people who have messaged me to ask where the title for the story came from. So I figured I'd let you all know it's a song by Coldplay off their new album Mylo Xyloto and it's obviously called "Us Against The World". It's a beautiful song and when I first heard it I immediately thought of Elliot and Olivia and their friendship/relationship. Check the song out :) I think you'll like it!**

**Anyway thanks for all the reviews, hope you like the new chapter. I'll try and update again tomorrow, the more you review the more likely you'll see a new chapter tomorrow :)**

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><p>The next day, Olivia was nervously sitting alone in the waiting room when Dr. Cooper walked up to her.<p>

She smiled. "Good morning Olivia."

"Good morning Dr. Cooper." She said standing up.

Dr. Cooper stared at her for a moment. "Are you here alone?"

Olivia looked down and just smiled. "Yes. I didn't want to burden anyone…"

Dr. Cooper smiled sympathetically. "Well if you change your mind…we can always call someone to pick you up after surgery."

Olivia smiled. "Alright…"

Dr. Cooper moved aside and they began to walk down the hall together. "Do you have any last minute questions?"

Olivia sighed. "Uh…I don't think so. I mean…you said this was outpatient surgery so I should be fine afterwards right?"

"Yup. You're going to sore…and a little tired for a few days. But most of my patients who go through this procedure don't have any problems afterwards." Dr. Cooper said.

"And then the next step is radiation?" Olivia asked. "I mean is that necessary? If were doing the surgery shouldn't I just be okay after that…"

Dr. Cooper stopped in front of the door that they would go in to prep for surgery. "You can opt out of radiation if you really want too…but I wouldn't advise it. The surgery is affective but I would advise you to do radiation just to be on the safe side."

"Does radiation make your hair fall out? Or is that just chemotherapy?" Olivia asked nervously.

"Radiation usually doesn't make hair on your head fall out, but it can happen. It depends on the patient really…" Dr. Cooper whispered.

Olivia nodded slowly. "Okay…"

"Olivia I know this isn't easy for you…but I truly believe that you can beat this." Dr. Cooper said putting a sympathetic hand on her arm.

Olivia smiled. "I guess I just never expected this to happen to me…being an SVU detective I see a lot of terrible things happen to me. I always expected the worst thing that would happen to me would be getting shot or something…not cancer."

Dr. Cooper shook her head. "No one thinks that they can get cancer. We all think it will just happen to someone else. But cancer doesn't go after one type of person…it can happen to anyone at anytime. It's not easy for anyone to hear that they have cancer but you can beat it if you believe in yourself."

Olivia smiled. "I guess it's just going to have to take some getting used too…the idea of me being sick."

"Well I'll be with you every step of the way…we can figure this out together okay?" She said squeezing Olivia's arm.

Olivia nodded slowly. "Thank you Dr. Cooper."

"Please…we're going to be spending a lot of time together, call me Amy." She said smiling at her.

Olivia smiled. "Okay…thank you Amy."

"Alright…well lets get you prepped and ready to go. This is just the start of your treatment but I have a good feeling about this." Amy said.

Olivia nodded. "I trust you."

"Good. Let's go…" She said as she helped her walk into the prep room.

* * *

><p>Back at Bernie's house, Elliot was sitting on the couch in screened in porch. He had a cup of coffee in his hand and he watched the waves crash onto the shore. Elliot hadn't slept much the night before now that Olivia was gone.<p>

She had called when she got home, he was happy she got back to the city safely. But…he wanted her to be with him right now. She made him feel safe and that he could find a way to move on from everything that was happening in his life. However he couldn't shake the feeling that whatever Olivia was hiding from him was extremely important.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard the front door open. "Elliot? Olivia?"

Elliot stood up and walked out into the kitchen where he greeted his Mom. "Hey Ma." He said leaning into hug and kiss her cheek. "How is Mrs. Jackson holding up?"

Bernie smiled at her son. "Oh you know…she's hanging on. She's spent so much of her life with her husband that its strange being on her own…"

Elliot nodded, he couldn't help but think of how strange it was not to be with Olivia everyday now. "Yeah. I understand…"

"Where's Olivia?" She asked placing her purse on the counter.

"Oh…she left yesterday afternoon." Elliot said sitting down on a stool. "She had to be in court this morning for a case…"

Bernie looked up feeling surprised at his words, but she just nodded her head. "That's too bad…I thought it would help you having her here…"

Elliot smiled. "It was nice to see her. But she does have her own life…"

Bernie smiled and moved to put the tea pot on. "I suppose she does. But it's very obvious that she cares about you, she wouldn't have taken time out of her life to come see you if she didn't."

Elliot smiled. "She's an amazing friend, that's for sure."

Bernie reached for a mug. "Did she help you make any decisions? I mean you know I love having you here…but I don't want to see you hiding here forever."

Elliot sighed. "I don't know what I'm going to do yet Ma…I mean I could probably go back tomorrow and ask Cragen for my job back and he'd let me come back. But I don't know if that's what I want anymore…"

Bernie nodded. "Well you shouldn't do something if your heart isn't in it anymore Elliot…if there's anything I've taught you I believe I always said that you need to follow your heart."

Elliot smiled. "Yes you definitely taught me that…"

"Yet despite that…you seem to have gotten your fathers stubbornness." She said laughing to herself.

"What does that mean?" Elliot asked, he knew very well that he was stubborn but he wanted to know what she was referring to her.

"Oh come on Elliot…" Bernie said as she poured her tea and went to get milk. "It's obvious that you have feelings for Olivia that go way past a partnership or friendship." She said shaking her head. "I just don't know why you haven't made a move yet or why you never made a move before…"

Elliot sighed. "Well see I had this thing called a wife and kids…"

Bernie nodded and moved to sit at the counter with him. "True. And you know I love Kathy very much. But…its clear that the two of you fell out of love a long time ago."

"Was it that obvious?" Elliot asked grimacing as he leaned his elbows onto the table.

Bernie laughed. "To everyone but you and Kathy apparently…"

"It's not that I don't love Kathy…cuz I do." He shrugged. "We just lost that…connection…that spark we had when we first got together."

"That doesn't make you a bad person Elliot. It happens…" She said shrugging. "I love that you believe so strongly in your faith and that you value the sanctity of marriage but you should never stay in a situation that doesn't make you completely happy."

He nodded. "I know. I just didn't want to feel like I failed…"

"You didn't fail." Bernie said shaking her head. "You tried to make it work, you didn't just throw it away. No one could fault you for growing apart…it happens to couples everyday."

Elliot sighed. "True. But even now that Kathy and I are over…I'm not sure that I could be with Olivia."

"Well why not?" Bernie asked. "It's clear that there's something there between you two…"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. But I left her…"

"But she still came to see you didn't she? She wouldn't have done that if she was still angry…she was worried about you. She didn't come here and yell at you for leaving like you did, she came to check up on you and offer her help." She said.

"And I'm so lucky for that…but I can't help shake the feeling that she is hiding something from me…" Elliot whispered.

Bernie was quiet for a moment. "Yes I felt that there was something she was holding back…"

"I used to be able to read her so well." He said shaking his head. "But ever since that day of the shooting…I feel like there's this wall between us ya know?"

"Did you ask her if everything was okay?" Bernie asked. "I mean I know I did…but she doesn't know me as well as you so I didn't expect her to confide in me."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah I asked. She said she wasn't ready to talk about it yet…"

"Do you think she's depressed? Still trying to deal with you leaving and what happened during the shooting?" She asked.

"At first I thought that's what it was…but now I'm not so sure. I have no idea what it is but…I feel like she needs me but she's too afraid to ask for my help." Elliot said sighing.

Bernie raised an eyebrow. "Just like you were too afraid to ask for her help?"

Elliot smirked. "Yeah maybe…"

Bernie reached across and squeezed his hand. "I know this is hard for you and that there are a lot of things going on…but give her sometime to sort it out for herself. I think that if she really does need you, she'll reach out to you."

"I don't want to wait though…" He said laughing.

Bernie giggled. "Stubborn and impatient…yes you are just like your father."

Elliot smiled. "I guess so…"

Bernie stood up and took her mug before walking over to him, she placed a kiss on the top of his head before cupping his face in her hands. "You're my son and I love you…and I believe that eventually things will settle down again. You deserve the best in your life Elliot and it will happen…you just need to let everything fall into place on their own. You can't force it…"

Elliot smiled up at his mother. "Thank you Mom. Thanks for letting me stay here…I don't know what I would do if you didn't."

Bernie smiled at her son. "You're my son…I'll always be here for you. I may have made a lot of mistakes when you were growing up…but I guess I'm trying to make up for lost time now."

Elliot shook his head. "We all make mistakes Mom. Lord knows I made enough with my kids…its called life. I still love you...I always will."

Bernie smiled and kissed his head one more time. "You're gonna be just fine Elliot…you're may be stubborn and impatient like your Father but you're strong like him too."

Elliot smiled. "Yeah well…I think I get that from both of my parents."

Bernie patted his cheek and then walked away leaving him to his own thoughts again. He didn't known what was going to happen…but he knew that he would find a way to get Olivia to open up to him no matter what it took.

* * *

><p>When Olivia woke up from her surgery, she felt sore and out of place. She sighed as her eyes adjusted to the lights in the room again.<p>

"How are you feeling Olivia?" A voice said beside her.

Olivia turned her head to the side, her heart dropped to her stomach when she saw who was sitting beside her. "Kathy…"

Kathy sighed and shook her head. "Did you forget I was a nurse in this hospital?"

Olivia sighed and tried to sit up, Kathy had to help her. "I can honestly say I wasn't really worrying about you or where you work when I found out I had cancer."

Kathy smiled. "Fair enough."

"Did you call him yet?" She asked nervously.

Kathy shook her head. "No I didn't. I figured you'd kill me if I did…"

Olivia smiled. "Well you were right. I would have…"

"So you went to see him and you didn't tell him about this?" Kathy asked.

Olivia shook her head. "It didn't seem right…not with everything he was going through."

"Whatever he may be going through Olivia he really cares about you. He would want to know if you were sick and if you needed his help." Kathy said honestly. "You know that…"

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "I'm just…not ready to tell anyone yet. Can you respect that?"

Kathy pulled up a chair beside Olivia and sat down. "You know I used to try and find reasons to hate you…"

Olivia laughed. "You had to search for reasons? I thought you just hated me in general…"

Kathy chuckled. "No you make it pretty hard to hate you. You're such a good person…it's really quite annoying actually."

Olivia smiled. "Sorry about that…I'll try and be less likeable if I survive this."

Kathy's face softened. "You will survive this Olivia. Don't even question it…"

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "You know its funny…out of all the people in the world that I thought I would be talking to about me having cancer…you really were the last person on the list."

Kathy laughed. "I bet I was."

"So…the surgery went well?" Olivia asked nervously.

"Yep. Dr. Cooper was very confident that she got all the tumors." Kathy said smiling. "How do you feel?"

Olivia sighed. "Sore…but I've felt worse."

"Are you ever going to tell him?" Kathy asked. "You know the longer you wait…the angrier he'll get."

Olivia nodded. "Maybe. But I need to wait until I'm ready…I haven't even fully processed this myself yet. I don't want to drag him into this yet or at all really…"

"You have to tell him." Kathy whispered. "You know you do…"

"Is this when you say...'If you don't tell him I will?'" Olivia teased.

Kathy laughed. "I guess it is…"

Olivia sighed. "I'm not ready Kathy…"

Kathy nodded slowly and looked down. "Fine. I respect that…but I will say this. If Elliot calls me…I can't say that I will be able to hide it from him. After all we've been through I feel like I have to be honest with him. Especially about something that will hurt him like this…"

Olivia nodded. "Fine. If he calls you…you can tell him. But not if you call him okay? That's just not fair…"

Kathy smirked. "You don't think he'll call me do you?"

"I'm counting on his stubbornness to keep him from calling you." She said laughing.

Kathy laughed. "Yeah well…you just might get your wish." She stared at Olivia for a moment before saying. "He loves you…you know that right? More than he ever loved me…"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Kathy…that's not true."

Kathy smiled sadly. "Yeah. It is…and I'm okay with it. I used to resent it…but now I know that Elliot and I don't belong together. I believe that God brought us together for a reason, and that was to bring our five amazing kids into the world. But he didn't intend us to spend the rest of our lives together…"

"So what are you saying?" Olivia asked.

"I'm saying…that you are Elliot's one true love. That love that people can only dream about…you're each others soul mates. I'll find mine one day…" Kathy said.

Olivia looked down at her hands in her lap. "It doesn't seem fair…"

"What doesn't?" Kathy asked curiously.

"That we could finally be together…and then I get sick. Its reasons like this that I have a hard time believing in God." Olivia said as a tear escaped her eye.

Kathy nodded slowly. "No one said believing in God was easy…but he has a plan for all of us."

Olivia grimaced. "I just don't like that his plan was for me to get cancer…"

"You're a hell of a long stronger than you give yourself credit for Olivia. You can beat this." Kathy said reaching for her hand. "I'll help you in anyway I can…but I really think the one person you need to help you through this is Elliot."

Olivia licked her lips. "Just give me a few days okay? I promise I'll tell him…"

Kathy stared at her for a moment before standing up. "Alright. Well…your nurse is coming in to check on you. And then I'm going to take you home."

Olivia shook her head. "Kathy you don't have to do that."

Kathy smiled. "I know. But I want too. You saved Elliot so many times…and my kids too. It's like I said…you're such a good person it's impossible not to like you. And despite what may or may not happen between you and Elliot…I don't want you going through this alone. So you can argue with me all you want…but I'm taking you home Olivia. End of discussion."

Olivia laughed. "Fine. I won't fight with you about it…but I don't like it.

Kathy nodded her head and walked over to the door. "Yeah, yeah I know you don't like to ask for help. But you didn't. I'm just giving it to you."

"Thank you Kathy…" Olivia whispered.

Kathy smiled. "See…was it that hard to accept help?"

Olivia laughed. "I guess not…"

Kathy smiled one last time before walking out of the room. Olivia leaned her head against the back of the bed and sighed. This was definitely not how she had expected this to go…but she couldn't deny the fact that it felt good to have someone helping her. Even if it was Kathy…

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><p>Later that night, Elliot was sitting in his room thinking nonstop about Olivia. She had taken time out of her life to go see him to make sure he was okay. He couldn't shake the feeling that he needed to do the same thing. He stood up and walked into the living room where his mom was relaxing and reading a book.<p>

Bernie looked up and smiled at him. "Going to see Olivia?"

Elliot laughed. "I'm that predictable?"

Bernie closed her book and put it down beside her. "I could tell this morning you weren't going to be able to wait for her to come to you…"

Elliot sighed. "I just feel like she really needs me…"

Bernie stood up and walked over to him. "Then go to her."

"What if she gets mad?" Elliot asked. "What if its really bad?"

"If she gets mad…then you need to respect that feeling. I don't think you were that happy when she showed up here. But if its bad…then you just take her hand and you support her through this. That's what she would do for you right?" Bernie asked shrugging.

Elliot nodded. "Of course. But I just don't want to see her hurting…"

Bernie nodded. "I know you don't. But that's a risk you're going to have to take if you want to find out what's going on."

Elliot sighed. "I'll call you when after I talk to her."

Bernie leaned up and hugged him tightly. "You need to do what's best for you Elliot and I will support you no matter what happens."

"I love you Mom." Elliot said hugging her back.

"I love you too." She said kissing his cheek. "Now go get your girl…"  
>Elliot smiled and quickly packed a bag before hitting the road to go back into the city. He wanted to see Olivia so bad, but he couldn't deny the fact that there was this giant weight weighing down on his heart as he got closer and closer to the city. He wasn't ready to face the past yet but he knew that he had to be with Olivia right now. They needed each other…<p>

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><p>Back at Olivia's, Kathy had driven her back to her apartment and was helping her settle into bed.<p>

"Alright…you have your pain medication. You have some water…can I get you anything else?" Kathy asked looking around the apartment.

Olivia shook her head. "No. You've done enough Kathy…really you should go home to the kids."

"I called Kathleen, I told her I had to work late. She's taking care of things for me so I can stay if you need me too." Kathy said smiling.

"Thank you." Olivia said. "I really appreciate everything you've done for me…"

Kathy smiled. "Don't worry about it. I'll call you tomorrow to check up on you."

"I know that even if I tell you not too…you won't listen." Olivia said laughing.

Kathy nodded. "You're right. And if you don't pick up the phone…I'll come over here and bang on the door until you answer."

Olivia shook her head. "Fine."

Kath smiled. "Good. Well, you should get some sleep. Remember what Dr. Cooper said…take it easy the next few days. If the pain or discomfort doesn't lessen then you should call right away."

Olivia nodded. "Right."

Kathy smiled. "Great. Okay well I'll talk to you tomorrow okay?"

"Talk to you tomorrow." Olivia said as Kathy walked out of the room.

Kathy shut the bedroom door and walked through the apartment too the main door. She opened it and began to walk down the hall when she heard a familiar voice that made her stop dead in her tracks.

"Kathy?" The voice called out.

Kathy looked up quickly, Elliot was standing right in front of her. "Elliot…hi."

Elliot's heart started to pound hard, something was definitely going on. "What are you doing in Olivia's building?"

Kathy stared at him for a moment. "Elliot…you should talk to her."

"Kathy what the hell is going on? I mean I know I hurt you by leaving but…please be honest with me." He said in a tone that sounded so broken, it killed Kathy.

Kathy sighed. "Come on…I'll go with you to talk to her." She said as she put a hand on his arm.

Elliot tensed under her touch. "Kathy…"

Kathy tried to smile. "Everything is going to be okay Elliot…I promise. Just…take a deep breath and please just listen to what she has to say. Don't freak out right away okay? You tend to do that when you get upset…"

"So there is something wrong with her isn't there…" Elliot whispered.

Kathy just started to pull him towards Olivia's apartment. "You need to hear it from her."

As Kathy led Elliot to Olivia's apartment door, he couldn't help but feel like everything was about to change. Olivia had given Kathy a key to the apartment so they walked right in, Kathy knocked on Olivia's bedroom door. Olivia was laying down in bed watching a movie, she flipped the TV off and sat up when she heard the knock.

"Did you forget something Kathy?" Olivia asked as Kathy peeked her head in the room.

Kathy moved aside to let her see that Elliot was there. "No. But I ran into someone in the hallway…wouldn't you say now's a good time to talk to him?"

Olivia's heart dropped into her stomach. "Elliot…"

Elliot swallowed hard, she looked so tired and it was clear that something serious had happened since he had seen her yesterday. "Olivia?"

Kathy smiled sympathetically. "I'll be in the living room…you two should talk alone."

Elliot walked into the room slowly. "Liv…what is going on?"

Olivia sighed, she knew she couldn't lie now. "Elliot…why don't you sit down…"

**_TBC  
><em>**

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><p><strong>Well what did you think? Probably didn't expect Kathy to be the one to find out first about Olivia. I've always kind of wanted to explore the relationship between Kathy and Olivia, there is obviously a tension there but I really do think they respect each other too. Hope you liked it...sorry to keep you hanging! Well actually no I'm not...hahahah got to keep you interested somehow! The faster and more you review the quicker you will find out how Elliot reacts! <strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys, once again thanks for all the great reviews! Here is the next chapter. I hope you like it. I have a very busy week coming up with school but I'm definitely going to continue writing both stories as well! **

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><p><em><strong><strong>"Did you forget something Kathy?" Olivia asked as Kathy peeked her head in the room._

_Kathy moved aside to let her see that Elliot was there. "No. But I ran into someone in the hallway…wouldn't you say now's a good time to talk to him?"_

_Olivia's heart dropped into her stomach. "Elliot…"_

_Elliot swallowed hard, she looked so tired and it was clear that something serious had happened since he had seen her yesterday. "Olivia?"_

_Kathy smiled sympathetically. "I'll be in the living room…you two should talk alone."_

_Elliot walked into the room slowly. "Liv…what is going on?"_

_Olivia sighed, she knew she couldn't lie now. "Elliot…why don't you sit down…"_

Elliot took a deep breath before pulling up a chair from the corner of the room. "Okay…"

"Um…" Olivia's hands started to shake but she knew she had to try and stay strong for Elliot. "I…I'm okay. I mean…I will be okay."

Elliot shook his head. "What do you mean will be okay? What's going on?"

Olivia sighed and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Elliot…I didn't really have to be in court today."

"Why would you lie about that?" He asked. "If you didn't want to stay with me you could have told me…"

She shook her head. "No. No that's not what this is about. I wanted to stay. I did. But…I had something else I had to do."

"Why are you in bed? Why is Kathy here? How could you call her and not me?" Elliot asked starting to get frustrated.

"I didn't call Kathy…she…well we…we ran into each other today." She said feeling her heart pound in her chest.

"Where?" Elliot asked.

"At the hospital…" Olivia whispered.

"Why were you at the hospital?" Elliot asked nervously.

"Elliot…the day that I came to see you I had been to the doctors earlier in the day." She said licking her lips.

"And…" He whispered urging her on.

"I have Breast Cancer, Elliot." She said quickly, unsure how else to really say it.

As soon as the words left Olivia's mouth, Elliot felt the world around him stop. He just stared at her, unable to form a coherent thought. It didn't make any sense…she couldn't possibly have cancer. There was no way this was really happening.

She had to be lying. But why would she lie about something like this? She had just spent three days with him and she was perfectly fine! She didn't look like someone who had cancer.

Yes…it was obvious that something was gong on with her but cancer had never been an option. She was just sad…she was depressed. That's all that was going on…was she doing this to punish him for leaving?

"Elliot…" Olivia whispered nervously as she reached out for his hand. "El…are you okay?"

Elliot snapped out of his daze and zoned in on her again. "No. No you don't have cancer. You can't have cancer."

Olivia felt the tears beginning to well up in her eyes. "Look…this is a shock for me too but it's true Elliot. I had surgery this morning to remove the tumor and that's where I ran into Kathy."

Elliot shook his head and started to laugh. "No. Nope. You don't have cancer."

Olivia sighed. "Elliot…please-"

"This isn't funny." Elliot said standing up quickly. "How could you just screw with me like this? Yeah I know I left you without saying goodbye Olivia…but I didn't pretend to have a life threatening disease! You can't use this to make me feel guilty! That isn't' fair!"

Olivia was shocked by his words, she didn't expect him to take it well but she never thought he would accuse her of making it up. "What? Elliot…I'm not making this up…"

Elliot shook her head. "I never pegged you for someone to go this low Olivia…"

Even though she was sore, Olivia pushed her legs off the side of the bed and stood up. "Elliot I'm serious! I'm not lying! I have cancer!"

Elliot started backing up to the door. "You know whatever…I can't believe you would do this. I'm leaving…I'll see you around Liv."

Olivia grimaced as the pain shot up her abdomen to her chest. "Elliot please!"

Elliot opened her bedroom door and stalked out into the living room, Kathy was still there and she walked over to him quickly. "Hey…you okay?"

"Are you in on this too? Are you trying to make me pay for walking out on our marriage?" Elliot asked glaring at her.

Olivia walked slowly into the living room as Kathy gawked at him. "Elliot what are you talking about?" She asked.

"Olivia says she has cancer!" Elliot yelled. "What a load of crap!"

Olivia looked over at Kathy pleadingly, she had no idea what to do in this situation.

Kathy put her hand on her hip. "Elliot she isn't lying. I was there when she woke up from surgery this afternoon."

Elliot shook his head and turned from Kathy to Olivia. "No."

Olivia sighed and sat down on the couch near her, she felt weak. "Elliot…I wouldn't lie about something like this. Do I look like I'm lying?"

"What?" He asked swallowing the lump in his throat.

She smiled at him. "I know I look like shit right now…you don't have to pretend."

Elliot turned back to Kathy. "She has cancer?"

Kathy nodded slowly. "Yeah Elliot…she has cancer."

Elliot turned towards Olivia, he finally saw how pale she looked as he walked over to her. "You have cancer?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yes Elliot. I really have cancer…"

"I…" He fell down in front of her. "No…no you can't have cancer. This wasn't supposed to happen."

She smiled at him and took his hand that was resting on her lap. "Well unfortunately I do…but my Doctor is very confident that everything is going to be okay. My surgery went well this afternoon…and the next step is radiation."

Elliot grimaced. "Surgery…that's why you really had to come home?"

Olivia sighed. "Yeah…I didn't have court. I did lie to you about that and I'm sorry…"

"Why would you lie? Why wouldn't you just tell me?" Elliot asked.

Kathy stepped closer to them. "I don't mean to interrupt…but I think this is a conversation you two need to have alone. Will you guys be okay?"

Elliot didn't turn his gaze away from Olivia, and Kathy would be lying if it didn't hurt just a little to see how much he loved her. She knew that he had never looked at her like that. But that didn't matter right now…they needed each other and even if it took some getting used to it would be okay.

Olivia turned slowly towards Kathy, and they shared a moment as they held eye contact. "Yeah…we'll be okay."

Kathy nodded slowly and smiled. "Good. Call me if you need anything."

"Thank you." Olivia whispered, and she hoped that Kathy knew just how far that thank you went.

Kathy smiled and looked back at them once more before walking out of Olivia's apartment. When the door shut, Olivia finally turned back to Elliot who hadn't turned away form her.

"Elliot…" She whispered holding his face in her hands. "I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

"All that stuff about how you needed me…about how you were upset that I walked on you. You said that I should lean on you but you didn't feel comfortable enough to lean on me?" Elliot asked sadly.

Olivia shook her head. "No. No that's not it at all. I just…I wasn't expecting this you know? When Dr. Cooper told me I had cancer…it was such a huge slap in the face. You were the first person I thought of…the only person I wanted to see. But I didn't want to talk about it…I wasn't ready…kind of like you not being ready to talk about the shooting. Do you understand?"

Elliot shook his head. "This is all my fault…I pushed you away. And when you needed me most I wasn't there for you."

Olivia squeezed his hand. "Elliot Stabler…listen to me. None of this is your fault. This is a part of life…I can honestly say I'm not that excited about it." She said laughing. "But I could have told you…I tried to blame it on the fact that you were going through a lot. But mostly it was because I was too afraid to say it out loud…because that only makes it more real."

Elliot stared at her for a moment and reached out to touch her face. "This isn't fair…"

A tear escaped her eye and he brushed it away. "No. It really isn't…"

"Is this why you were asking all those questions about God and heaven?" Elliot asked nervously.

Olivia sighed. "Yeah…I guess the prospect of death has made me question it all."

Elliot shook his head. "You shouldn't ask though. Because you're not going to die…I won't let you die Olivia."

Olivia frowned. "Elliot…"

"No. No you said it yourself…you said your Doctors were confident everything would be okay. Surgery went well so that's good. So you're not going to die." He said smiling.

"Elliot you know that no one can guarantee that." She said trying to smile.

"No." He said more adamantly. "You are not going to die."

She swallowed hard. "Elliot…"

"I said no! You are not going to die!" He yelled as he jumped up and stepped away from her. "You're not going to fucking die! You aren't allowed too!"

Olivia couldn't stop the tears now and she sat back on the couch. She knew that it was no good to fight him on this. When he had his mind set on something, there was usually no way to change it. So instead of fighting him…she let him yell hoping that it would make him feel better.

"This wasn't supposed to fucking happen. You weren't supposed to get sick. Cancer? I mean Jesus Christ!" He yelled as he began to pace the room. "Cancer…that word…I hate that word!"

She pulled her legs up on the couch and curled them underneath her and watched him continue to pace.

"You are a good person." Elliot said as his voice began to shake. "You never ask for anything…you just give everything you have to everyone else. And that includes me! You're always there for me and I'm never there for you. I'm such a fucking terrible friend."

Olivia shook her head. "That isn't true. You've been an amazing friend Elliot. You're the best friend I've ever had…don't you dare doubt that."

He stopped pacing and looked at her. "This just can't happen…you can't be sick. You can't…"

She stared at him for a moment. "Why not?"

"Because I need you." He said his voice finally giving out on him. "I need you…"

The emotion in his voice sent a jolt of electricity through her heart, she had never heart him sound like that before in all the years she had known him. "El come here…"

The tears were finally falling out of his eyes as he walked slowly to her and sat down beside her on the couch. "I need you…" He whispered.

He was so close that he rested his forehead against hers; she cupped his face in her hands. "No matter what happens…you are going to be okay Elliot."

He shook his head. "No. I can't be okay if you're not in my life…"

She smiled at him. "You survived before you met me…and you've survived without me from time to time throughout the past thirteen years."

Elliot didn't even try to hide his tears now. "No. I've never been okay without you…not since I met you. Even before you…my life wasn't complete."

Olivia wiped his tears away. "Elliot…"

"There are so many things that I need to say to you." He said softly, as he reached over to cup her face in his hands now.

She shook her head and pulled away. "Don't."

He held her arm in his hands. "No. No look at me Liv…"

She turned back to him, tears now falling from her own eyes. "Please don't…" She said in a shaky voice. "Please…don't say anything. You won't mean what you're saying…you're upset. You're going through a lot. You won't mean it…"

"What do you mean I won't mean it?" Elliot asked trying to get her to look at him again. "Do you not know how much you mean to me?"

Olivia scooted to the other side of the couch. "Just…please don't say it. Please…" She begged him. "Please Elliot…"  
>he stared at her for a moment, all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and tell her that he had loved her forever. But hearing the pain in her voice…hearing how scared she was he knew now wasn't the moment. He wanted her to know how he truly felt…and he promised himself that one day she would know exactly how she felt. But it couldn't be now…not now when she was scared to death.<p>

So instead of laying his feelings on the line, he stood up which seemed to surprise her. He put out his hands for her to take, it took her a moment but finally she reached for him and let him pull her up.

"What are you doing?" She asked wiping some of her tears away.

"You need rest…" He whispered, trying to memorize every part of her face.

"I'm okay…" She said suddenly realizing just how tired she really was.

He shook his head. "I'm gonna take care of you Olivia. I don't care what you say…but I'm going to take care of you. And right now you need to sleep."

She stared at him and tried to smile as more tears began to spill down her cheeks. "El?"

He wiped her tears away and held her face in his hands. "Yeah Liv?"

"I'm scared…" She whispered. "I'm really scared…"

He swallowed hard. "Me too…"

Something in the way he said that made her smile because it made her realize she wasn't alone anymore. Without asking he leaned down and scooped her up before carrying her into her bedroom.

She didn't say anything. She just rested her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arm around his back and let him carry her.

He placed her down on the bed before laying down beside her. He put his arm out and she took it as a signal to snuggle into his side and rest her head on his chest.

He kissed the top of her head as he ran his fingers through her hair. "That day in the precinct…the day of the shooting." He paused trying to find the right words and Olivia waited patiently for him to get his thoughts together. "I didn't know what else to do but to shoot her…"

It seemed strange that just a minute ago they were talking about how Olivia had Breast Cancer. And now here they were wrapped in each others arms, in the most intimate setting they've ever been. No admisisons of love had been made but in reality nothing had to be said.

They could both feel it…they had always felt it.

"If you hadn't taken the shot…you know Jenna wouldn't have stopped shooting. You saved a lot of lives that day Elliot. I know you probably don't believe that but you did." She whispered, trying to breath him in and memorize the feel of laying like this with him just in case it never happened again.

He continued to play with her hair as he spoke. "She was just a kid…she had so much life ahead of her and I killed her."

"Jenna made up her mind long before she came to the precinct Elliot. I should have seen her slipping…but I was so wrapped up in the case that I ignored her. We all made mistakes." She said sadly.

"But she didn't deserve to die." Elliot whispered.

"And neither did her Mom…but she did." Olivia said honestly.

Elliot stopped running his hands through her hair for a moment before sighing. "Do you think I'm weak for walking away?"

Olivia shook her head against his chest. "No. I won't say that I wish you could have told me how you were feeling…but I actually thing your brave for taking care of yourself."

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked as he resumed running his hands through her hair, it calmed them both.

"El I've known you for a long time. Usually when something is bothering you, you bottle up and throw yourself into the next case. And then it just all kind of boils over…I've done that too before but it doesn't make it right. You knew that you need a break…and you took one. That's brave…most cops would have pretended that it didn't affect them." She said honestly.

Elliot took in her words for a moment. "I wanted to call you…I really did."

"What kept you from doing it then?" She asked curiously.

Elliot smiled against the top of her head. "Because I knew if I heard your voice I would change my mind and come back to work…"

Olivia laughed. "I didn't realize I had such a strong hold on you."

Elliot took her hand that was laying on his stomach and moved it to right over his heart. "You have no idea how strong the hold you have on me is Liv…"

She tilted her head to look at his face, he had never been this raw and open with her and it scared her to death and yet she never wanted this moment to end. "El?"

"Since the moment I met you Liv…" He pressed her hand into his chest so she could feel his heart beating. "You've been in here…and you're never gonna leave. You will always be with me…"

She swallowed hard as a tear fell from her eye and onto his chest. "I don't want you to say it…and I can't say it yet either. Not like this…"

He nodded slowly. "I know."

She closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest again, it was too hard to look him in the eyes. "I never thought I'd meet someone like you El…"

He smiled against her head as he placed another kiss there. "What do you mean?"

She smiled. "I just mean…I never thought I'd meet someone that is so incredibly infuriating and yet at the same time so important to me. You're the one person in the world that I honestly couldn't live without."

"I know what you mean." Elliot said. "I've struggled with that feeling for a very long time…"

"Because of Kathy?" She asked softly.

Elliot nodded slowly as he pulled her closer. "Yeah. I loved her…and in some ways I still do love her. But she wasn't…the one."

"She's a saint for taking care of me…" Olivia whispered. "I thought I was hallucinating when I woke up and she was sitting there…she owes me absolutely nothing."

"She's an amazing woman." Elliot agreed. "And she gave me five incredible kids but we just weren't right for each other. I'm sorry for the way I ended it and the way I dragged her along for so long but I really believed that I was doing the right thing."

"Is it selfish of me to say that I used to hope that you'd get divorced so we could be together?" Olivia asked nervously.

Elliot laughed. "Yeah probably. But you once told me that we're all allowed to be a little selfish at times…"

Olivia sighed but smiled as she began to trace his chest with her fingers. "We're really screwed up."

"Yeah. We are." Elliot said agreeing with her. "But aren't we all?"

As much as she loved laying like this, she was beginning to feel sore pressed up against him and she reluctantly pulled away to lie on her back. "Sorry…its just kind of uncomfortable laying like that…"

He already missed the feel of her body pressed against his but he rolled onto his side to face her. "Can I get you anything?"

She shook her head. "No. It's helping just to have you here…"

"You can't do this alone…" He whispered as he reached over to caress her face. "I know you're strong…but this is something you shouldn't do by yourself."

"You're the first person I've actually told. Kathy just found out…but saying the words to you was terrifying. I actually thing it was worse than hearing Dr. Cooper say it to me…" She said grimacing.

"But they surgery went well? They got the tumor?" He asked hopefully.

Olivia nodded. "That's what they said…they'll have to wait to run more tests to be sure. And then I have to do radiation."

"Why?" He asked. "If they got the tumor why would they do that?"

"She said it's just a precaution…to make sure that the tumor can't come back." Olivia said.

"Well you may have had to go to the surgery alone but you won't do radiation alone. I'm going to be with you every step of the way Liv. I promise." He said leaning closer to her.

Olivia smiled. "El…you have your own life. I don't expect you to stop everything just to take care of me."

Elliot rolled his eyes. "Why? That's what you did when you came to visit me. And besides…what else am I doing with my life these days? I know you said I wasn't a loser for living with my Mom at my age…but we both know I am."

Olivia laughed. "Shut up."

He smiled. "It's good to hear you laugh…"

She smiled back. "It's good to have something to laugh about."

"I'm serious…I'm here Liv. I won't let you do this alone. I know you're going to be okay." She started to protest but he continued to talk in order to cut him off. "No. Stop. You're going to be okay. You can beat this. I know you can."

She stared at him for a moment. "I have to tell everyone else don't I?"

Elliot sighed. "I think they would want to know. Whether you believe it or not Liv…you mean a lot to a hell of a lot of people."

Olivia smiled sadly. "It's hard for me to really wrap my head around that…"

"Oh but you can wrap your head around having cancer?" He teased. "Seriously…what is wrong with you?"

She laughed again. "Hey! Don't be mean."

He smirked. "I'm just saying…you're a very lovable person Olivia. I mean yeah sure…there have been times when you've driven me insane but for the most part…" He shrugged. "For the most part you're the most amazing person I know. And I know of a few other people who would do anything for you too…but they can't read your mind to know that you need help."

"So says the man who runs every time he needs help." She teased back. "Are you really the best person for me to be taking advice from about asking for help?"

He chuckled. "Okay you have a point there…" He paused. "But…from now on I'm going to change that."

"Oh really?" She asked raising an eyebrow skeptically.

He nodded slowly. "Yep. We both are."

"Oh. So now you make decisions for me?" Olivia asked. "You can go back to your Moms now Stabler…"

He rolled his eyes. "Oh shut up and listen to me for a second would you?"

"I've been listening to you for the past thirteen years Elliot…and I gotta say that a lot of the stuff that comes out of your mouth is just a boat load of crap." She said laughing.

Elliot glared at her. "Are you going to let me speak or not?"

She finally gave in and smiled earning her a wink. "Okay fine…go on."

"Thank you." He paused for a moment before continuing. "From now on…you and I are going to not only lean on each other…but we're not going to be afraid to ask for help from others. No matter how big or small the problem is. Agreed?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Well this will be a big change from our normal everyday lives…"

Elliot shrugged. "So it may not be easy…but I think tonight you and I realized that we've wasted a lot of time hiding behind our pride. And I don't know about you but I really don't want to waste anymore time."

She swallowed hard as she took in his words. "Me either…"

He nodded slowly before rolling over on his back. "Alright then. It's settled."

They lay side by side for a few minutes in comfortable silence just enjoying being together. It felt like years ago that Olivia had told him about her cancer and that the only thing that mattered was being here together right now.

"Hey El?" Olivia whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?" He asked turning his head to look at her.

She stared deep into his blue eyes. "How come you came to see me tonight? I mean…you said you weren't ready to come back to the city yet…"

Elliot took in her words before turning his head to look back at the ceiling again. "I felt like you needed me…"

"What?" She asked curiously.

He turned back to look at her and shrugged. "I felt like you needed me…and deep down I think I knew that I needed you too. If I'm ever going to get past all of this…I'm going to need your help. So I guess in some ways I came for the both of us…"

"I'm really glad you did." She whispered softly. "Because for the first time in a long time I feel like everything actually will be okay…no matter what happens."

He smiled at her. "Yeah me too."

"You know how we just agreed to ask for help or for something when we need it?" Olivia asked nervously as her cheeks began to turn red with embarrassment.

"Yeah." He said nodding his head. "Why? What do you need?"

She sighed. "I just…I liked it when you were playing with my hair. It…made me feel safe." She laughed. "I know that probably sounds really silly…out of all the things I could ask for right now. But I just…I really need to feel safe right now."

Elliot smiled and then shifted so that she could still lie on her back but have his arm behind her head. She rested her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes as he bent his arm and began to run his strong fingers through her soft hair again.

"You are safe Liv…I won't let anything happen to you." He said kissing the top of her head.

"I know…" She whispered as the exhaustion from the day began to catch up with her.

He heard her stifle a yawn and he reached down to pulled the blanket up over her more. "Close your eyes Liv…you need sleep."

She sighed against his shoulder. "Promise you'll be here when I wake up?"

"I'm not going anywhere…this is the only place I need to be right now Liv." He said honestly. "I'll never leave you again…Do you trust me?"

She smiled as she began to drift to sleep. "I trust you more than anyone else in this world Elliot. Always have. Always will."

Elliot smiled and held her close as he heard her breathing begin to even out. He knew that what she really meant when she said she trusted him was that she loved him. He wanted to say it so bad it was like a physical pain in his chest.

But he understood why she didn't want him to say it. The first time they said they loved each other shouldn't be in a situation like this. It needed to be perfect. She deserved more than an emotional break down and desperate attempt to fix things between them.

She deserved romance, she deserved the happily ever after that you only read about in stories. He knew that the next couple of months were going to be some of the hardest he would ever experience but he knew that he couldn't leave her now. Not ever again…

For the first time in their friendship she was really reaching out to him and he couldn't let her down. This wasn't how it was supposed to be, but it was. It was life, and no one said it was ever going to be easy. They only said it would be worth it…

Someday…he would tell her he loved her. And she would say it back. And finally…they would be happy.

But for now they just had to wait...

* * *

><p><strong>So...what did you think? I hope you liked it! It took me awhile to write it, but I was happy with the way it came out. I hope you are too. <strong> 


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys, pretty busy week but I'll try and keep everything updated. I also have an idea for a Christmas centered story which I might write as well. **

* * *

><p>The next morning, Olivia woke up with the sun streaming in her window. She yawned and turned her head, her body was still sore but she couldn't help but smile when she saw that Elliot was still fast asleep beside her. His left arm was still wrapped around her, his right arm was resting on his stomach and she watched it rise and fall as he breathed.<p>

She didn't want to wake him up, so she slowly got out of bed. He stirred slightly but only enough to roll over onto his stomach and continue sleeping. She smiled and went into the bathroom to pee, she washed her hands and splashed some cool water on her face.

Then she walked out into the living room and sat down on the couch. She reached for the phone and dialed Elliot's home number hoping it wasn't too early.

"Hello?" Kathy said on the other end.

Olivia smiled. "Hey Kathy. It's Olivia."

"Good morning. How are you feeling?" Kathy asked.

"I'm good…still a little sore but Dr. Cooper said that that was to be expected." Olivia said. "Other than that I'm good…"

"So everything worked out with Elliot then?" Kathy asked.

"It did…you know Elliot…he doesn't take bad news well. But eventually I got him to actually listen to everything I had to say. He's…not happy but he accepts it I guess." Olivia said, she had never really expected to be having a conversation about her relationship with Kathy.

At least not one that didn't involve Kathy wringing her neck for stealing her husband away.

"He'll be okay. Sometimes he just needs to freak out a little before he can calm down enough to process it. He's strong though…he'll support you." Kathy said confidently.

Olivia was quiet for a moment. "Kathy I…I am so incredibly grateful for everything you've done for me. But I can't help but feel nervous…like I should be waiting for the fall out."

Kathy laughed. "You mean you're waiting for me to show up at your door and shoot you and Elliot?"

Olivia laughed back. "Something like that…"

Kathy sighed on the other end of the phone. "I would be lying if I said it isn't hard for me…when I was in your apartment last night and I saw the way he was looking at you…" She paused again. "He never once looked at me like that…I know he loves you more than he ever loved me."

"But he did love you…and he does still love you." Olivia whispered.

"I know. And Elliot will always be in my life…we share five beautiful children together. I will never regret the years we spent together because despite all the bad times there were good times too. I want Elliot to be happy…and you make him happy." She said honestly.

Olivia curled her legs up on the couch. "Do you hate me?"

Kathy laughed. "I should. But I don't…it would be easy to blame you for the ending of my marriage. But I know deep down that it's been over for awhile now...and it would have ended if Elliot had met you or nor. We clash too much…I can't handle his lifestyle. And even if he says he is done at SVU…he'll end up doing something like it again. The fighting wasn't' healthy for either of us and not for our kids either."

"I don't really know what's going on with Elliot and me…there are so many things we have to work through before we could even have a conversation about being in a relationship. And I have a long road ahead of me…" She paused. "But I want you to know…that I don't expect anything from you. You don't need to help me…you have your own life. I'm so thankful for what you did yesterday…it takes a very secure and brave woman to do what you did. And you need to know that I respect you…probably more than I respect any other woman in this world. You're an amazing mother Kathy…"

Kathy was quiet on the other end for a moment. "Well thank you Olivia. That means a lot to me to hear you say all that…"

"I meant every word." Olivia said. "And I give you full permission at any point in time to decide you hate me." She teased.

Kathy laughed again. "I don't think that will happen but I'll keep it in mind just in case…"

"Good." Olivia said smiling.

"Since we're being so honest and holding nothing back…can I ask you for a favor?" Kathy asked.

Olivia hesitated for a moment. "Sure. What is it?"

"You need to fight like hell to beat this thing." Kathy said sternly. "I know the surgery went well but radiation is going to be a bitch…I won't lie to you about that. If things get hard…you can't give up. Elliot can't lose you Olivia…not yet, not like this…So fight. Fight like you've never fought before in your life."

Olivia let her words sink in. "Kathy…"

"I don't want to see him hurting anymore and if something happens to you…that will break him. So please…promise me you will fight." Kathy said, her voice cracking slightly.

Olivia knew that Kathy's deep love for Elliot was urging her to say all these things. Even though their marriage was over, she knew that Elliot and Kathy would always have a very strong bond. Their marriage had been based on love, and even though they weren't as in love as they used to be they still cared for each other deeply.

"I promise Kathy. I promise I'll fight as hard as I can." Olivia said honestly, hoping Kathy understood just how much she meant it.

"Good." Kathy said as she cleared her throat. "Well…I can hear Eli, he must be up. I'll call you later to check in."

"You don't have too…" Olivia whispered.

Kathy sighed. "You might as well get used to the fact that Elliot won't be the only one helping you through this Olivia. Besides…I think we could be friends." She paused again. "If…that's something you want."

Olivia couldn't help but smile. "I'd like that Kathy…I'd like that a lot."

Kathy smiled on her end of the phone too. "Well good. I'll talk to you later. Glad you're feeling better."

"Yeah. I'll talk to you later. Thanks again for everything." Olivia said before they hung up.

Olivia sighed happily and rested her head on the back of the couch, she suddenly felt very tired again. She was so used to getting up early all the time for work she had never been good at sleeping in. But she realized that there was nothing holding her back now, especially when there was a very handsome man still fast sleep in her bed.

She stood up and went back to her bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed, careful not too wake Elliot before she took another pill for the pain. Then she slipped under the covers and lay on her back again before closing her eyes. As he slept, Elliot turned again to face her, and he wrapped his arm around her waist and rested his head in the crook of her neck.

She could definitely get used to this…

_  
>Two hours later, Elliot and Olivia were both woken up by the sound of Olivia's cell phone on her bedside table. Elliot groaned and rolled onto his back as Olivia reached for the phone, she saw 'Cragen' on the front and her heart bean to do flip flops.<p>

She looked at Elliot who had rolled over onto his side again, his back was to her so she flipped open the phone. "Hey Captain."

"Hey Olivia. I hope I'm not interrupting anything…I hadn't heard from you in a few days. Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing…" He said, she could sense that he was nervous.

"I'm…I'm alright. Just take it easy ya know?" She lied through her teeth.

"Do you think you'll be ready to come back soon?" He asked curiously.

Olivia was quiet for a moment, Elliot had turned again so now he was facing her. His eyes were open and he was staring directly at her with a questioning look on his face.

"I…I'm not sure Cap." She said, at the mention of Cragen Elliot seemed to understand and he waited patiently for her to finish her conversation. "I think I need some more time…is everything okay down there?"

Cragen sighed. "Yeah. Sure we're fine…but I have to be honest…with you and Elliot gone things are very different. Fin and Munch have been asking about you a lot…I told them not to bother you. But I think they are afraid that you'll end up leaving like Elliot did…"

Olivia closed her eyes sadly. "Tell them I'll be back…I just don't have an exact date for them yet. I'm sorry if this is making it harder for everyone…"

"You don't have to be sorry Olivia. We just want to make sure you are okay and that you know that if you need us…we're here." He said honestly.

Olivia couldn't help but smile. "I know. And I appreciate that…"

Cragen waited a moment before asking his next question. "Have you talked to him?"

Olivia turned to look at Elliot who was still staring at her, she hated lying but she knew she couldn't tell him the truth yet. "No. I haven't heard from him yet…"

Elliot knew she was talking about him, but he didn't say anything. "Alright. Well…call me in a few days will you? If you don't…I may make an impromptu visit to your apartment."

Olivia laughed. "Well in that case I will definitely call you."

"Good. Hang in there Liv…things will get better soon. I know they will." He said confidently.

She couldn't help but feel her heart break because there was so much he didn't know. "Yeah…they will get better. I'll talk to you later Cap. Thanks for checking in."

"Of course Liv. I'll talk to you later." He said before hanging up.

Olivia ended the phone call and placed the phone beside her on the bedside table again before turning back to Elliot. "Hey…"

He stared at her for a moment before smiling. "Hey. What did Cragen want?"

"Just wanted to check in…I haven't talked to him since I told him I needed some time off. I think he was worried…" Olivia said shrugging.

Elliot nodded. "Understandable." He paused again. "He asked if you had talked to me didn't he?" When she didn't answer he continued. "Why did you lie?"

Olivia sighed. "Because if I told him about that then I'd have to open about everything else wouldn't I? And I'm not ready for that yet…"

Elliot nodded slowly before sitting up in bed. "We slept late…"

"Yeah well…I think we earned it." She said staring up at him. "When have we ever slept late?"

He smirked. "I guess you're right." He looked down at her for a moment, she looked better than she had yesterday but she still looked tired. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. "Better."

He nodded. "You should probably eat something…do you have any food in your fridge or do I have to go out and get us something to eat?"

Olivia laughed. "Kathy picked a few things up yesterday because she figured my fridge would be empty."

Elliot smiled. "I guess she thought of everything…"

Olivia nodded and slowly sat up again. "I guess she did."

He stared at her, before leaning over to cup her face in his hands. "I have to be honest…I really liked falling asleep next to you last night."

She could feel the blush growing in her cheeks but she couldn't turn her gaze away from him. "I can't say I hated it…"

Elliot laughed. "Well you know how to make a man feel special don't you?"

She smiled. "Just trying to get used to this…"

"What? You and me sleeping together?" He asked. "I mean not…sleeping together. But…sleeping in the same bed without actually…doing anything."

Olivia couldn't help but laugh at how uncomfortable he was. "El…"

He grimaced. "It's not that I don't want to…you know…it's just I don't want to rush it. And I don't want you to feel uncomfortable…but I do want you. Like…that."

She nodded slowly. "It's okay El…I'm no really in any condition to have sex anyway. Even though I might want too…"

He raised an eyebrow. "So you do want too?"

Olivia smiled at him. "We should probably not talk about all this yet…"

Elliot nodded slowly. "Okay…"

She could tell that he was questioning how she felt so she took his hand and squeezed it gently. "But for the record…I do want to sleep with you."

"And when you say sleep with me…?" He said unable to keep from smiling.

She laughed and rolled her eyes. "I mean do more than just fall asleep in the same bed…"

He shrugged. "Good enough for me."

She smiled at him before turning away. "So…what happens now?"

He yawned and stretched. "What do you mean?"

"Well…you're still living with your Mom and I need to be here…you said you wanted to be with me during treatments. But…you don't have a place to stay here now." She whispered nervously.

Elliot was quiet for a moment as he thought about what she had said. "Well…I guess I could find an apartment."

Olivia looked back over at him. "Yeah…I mean I don't want you to do that if it's not what you want though."

Elliot shrugged. "I want to be here for you…"

She swallowed hard and looked away again. "I mean…you can stay here if you want. But only if you want…"

Elliot tried to read her expression but she wasn't looking at him. "Would you be comfortable with that?"

Olivia put her hand sin her lap and stared at them. "I mean…it was nice having you here last night. But you don't have too. The couch is a pull out couch…so you could sleep there but you should be able to sleep in a real bed."

Elliot smiled at her; she knew this was hard for her. "I think I can handle sleeping on a pull out couch for awhile if it means being closer to you…"

She slowly turned her head towards him. "I mean…you can sleep in my bed if you want…"

He raised an eyebrow and moved so that his body would be positioned towards her. "Are you okay with that? I thought we agreed that there was a lot of things we had to figure out before anything could…" He wasn't able to finish his sentence due to his nerves so he just smiled. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable or feel that I'm pressuring you…you need to be focused right now if you're going to fight this."

She smiled and licked her lips. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

Elliot smiled back. "I told you I wouldn't let you do this by yourself didn't I?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah but…" She laughed. "This is all so confusing…"

He nodded slowly. "I know it is. And that's why I think it would be best if I sleep on the couch for a while…just until things calm down a little. I don't want you to be alone but you still need your space."

"I don't want space…" She knew how strained her voice sounded but she didn't care, now that he was here she never wanted him to leave again. "I want you here…"

"And I will be here…" He whispered. "You're not getting rid of me Liv."

She smiled. "Okay…"

He winked at her and leaned forward to kiss the top of her head. "I'm going to go get you something to eat. Stay here…"

"I can help you." She said as she tried to stand up.

He gently pushed her back. "Liv you need as much rest as possible."

She sighed but smiled as she snuggled back into bed. "Okay."

He smiled again before walking out of the bedroom to prepare something for her to eat. Twenty minutes later he came back with a tray full of fruit, some tea and eggs and bacon. She sat up in bed and he put the tray over her lap.

"Eat as much as you can. You need to keep up your strength." He said as he sat down beside her.

Olivia smiled and began to eat some of the fruit. "Thanks El."

He winked and grabbed a piece of watermelon to eat. "You're welcome." She continued to eat and he watched her for a moment. "So…how long are you going to avoid telling everyone at the precinct?"

She thought about it for a moment. "I don't know. Are you planning on going to see them anytime soon? Or even calling…"

Elliot smirked. "Hadn't decided yet."

She nodded. "Well me either…"

Elliot narrowed his eyes at her for a minute before saying. "How about we make a deal…"

She cocked her head to the side. "What did you have in mind?"

"Well when do you have your next appointment with Dr. Cooper? You know the check up appointment?" Elliot asked.

"I'm supposed to go on Monday morning." Olivia said as she popped a blueberry into her mouth. "Why?"

"How about I come with you to your appointment…and afterwards we go see everyone at the precinct." Elliot said.

She thought about it for a moment. "What if she says they didn't get the whole tumor?"

Elliot shrugged. "All the more reason to tell them. You'll need all the help and support you can get."

Olivia sighed and picked up the warm cup of tea. "I suppose I'm going to have to tell them sooner or later…"

"Yeah you will. Because you know they are going to come looking for you soon if you don't." He said.

Olivia smiled and looked up at him again. "What about you though? Can you face everyone yet?"

Elliot shook his head. "It doesn't matter whether I'm ready or not."

"Of course it does." She said softly. "You're happiness is just as important as mine El."

"Well…you are what makes me happy." He said in a strained voice. "And you need me. And I think I've been running for long enough…it's time to face the music."

She licked her lips as she placed the teacup down on the tray. "I have to warn you…they may not be as nice as me."

Elliot chuckled. "So I figured. But we both know they aren't as mad that I left…only that I hurt you."

Olivia smirked. "I guess I have a hold on them too…"

He laughed and shook his head. "You're a very dangerous woman Olivia Benson…"

"So I've been told." She said smiling as she broke off a piece of bacon to eat.

He winked at her and stole another piece of fruit to eat. She continued to eat her breakfast and drink her eat for a few quiet moments before talking again.

"You know…you should go see your kids." She whispered.

Elliot cleared his throat and sighed. "I don't even know what I'd say to them though."

She shrugged. "You just need to be honest…they may not understand right away. But they love you and eventually they will accept it. The longer you stay away the harder it will be…"

"Do you think Kathy told them I was back yet?" Elliot asked nervously.

Olivia shook her head. "No. I think she knows that you need time still."

Elliot nodded. "I never meant to hurt them…I never meant to hurt anyone."

She smiled sadly at him. "I know El. I know…"

He sighed. "Think you'll be okay for a few hours while I go and see them?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna take a bath and then try and nap a little. These pain meds make me pretty tired."

He stared at her for a moment. "You'll call me if you need me though right?"

She smiled. "Yes."

"You promise?" He asked skeptically.

She reached over and cupped his face in her hands. "We promised each other last night that we weren't going to run anymore and that we'd ask for help. I'll call you if I need you El. Now go see your kids…right now they need you."

Elliot smiled and leaned forward to kiss her cheek before leaving her alone. She settled back into bed and started to eat again before she would take her bath.

* * *

><p>Forty minutes later, Elliot was standing out front of his old house fighting with himself. He wanted to ring the doorbell, he had come this far and yet he couldn't seem to do it. Luckily, Kathy had seen him through the window and made the choice easier for him.<p>

She smiled at him from the doorway. "Hey El."

He stared at her, there were so many things he wanted to say but knew he couldn't. "Hey…"

She stepped aside. "Kathleen and Maureen just dropped by…there all here."

Elliot swallowed hard. "How much do they hate me?"

Kathy smiled. "They don't hate you. They've never hated you…they just miss you."

He nodded slowly. "Well I've missed them."

"Daddy?" A little voice said from behind Kathy.

Kathy moved aside and for the first time in months Elliot came face to face with his youngest child. "Eli…"

The little boy ran full speed to his Dad and jumped into his arms. "Daddy!"

Elliot scooped him up and held him close. "Hey buddy. God I've missed you."

Elliot was standing in the foyer as Kathy shut the door behind him. Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie appeared in the hallway. They stared at their father as if they couldn't believe he was actually standing there.

"Hey guys…" Elliot said in a hoarse voice.

The four older children said nothing as Eli pulled away from Elliot, he was still in his arms but he wanted to see his Dads face. "Where did you go Daddy?"

Elliot turned to Eli and smiled sadly. "I…I had to go away for awhile. I'm sorry I left so quickly…but I'm back now. And I'm not going to leave again."

Eli stared deep into his Dads eyes. "Did we do something wrong?"

Elliot's heart shattered into a million little pieces. "No…no Eli you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your brother or sisters…I just…" He sighed. "Something happened and I needed to get away for awhile…"

"But you won't leave again?" Eli asked sadly.

Elliot shook his head. "Never again. I promise."

Kathy smiled and walked over to Elliot and Eli. "Hey Eli…why don't you help me with the laundry. You can talk to Dad later okay?"

Eli looked at his Mom and then back to his Dad where he grabbed his face and leaned in to rest his small forehead against his fathers large one. "I missed you Daddy."

Elliot smiled at his son, trying to fight off tears. "I missed you too."

Kathy took Eli leaving Elliot alone with his four oldest children. She shared a small smile with Elliot before walking down the hallway so they could talk alone.

Elliot turned nervously to his four other children, he took a few tentative steps towards them. "Hey…"  
><em>TBC<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry to leave you all hanging but if I kept going the chapter would have been so longggg. And I figured I'd split it up to make more chapters. I'll try and update really soon! <strong>


	7. Chapter 7

"_Daddy?" A little voice said from behind Kathy._

Kathy moved aside and for the first time in months Elliot came face to face with his youngest child. "Eli…"

The little boy ran full speed to his Dad and jumped into his arms. "Daddy!"

Elliot scooped him up and held him close. "Hey buddy. God I've missed you."

Elliot was standing in the foyer as Kathy shut the door behind him. Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzie and Dickie appeared in the hallway. They stared at their father as if they couldn't believe he was actually standing there.

"Hey guys…" Elliot said in a hoarse voice.

The four older children said nothing as Eli pulled away from Elliot, he was still in his arms but he wanted to see his Dads face. "Where did you go Daddy?"

Elliot turned to Eli and smiled sadly. "I…I had to go away for awhile. I'm sorry I left so quickly…but I'm back now. And I'm not going to leave again."

Eli stared deep into his Dads eyes. "Did we do something wrong?"

Elliot's heart shattered into a million little pieces. "No…no Eli you didn't do anything wrong. Neither did your brother or sisters…I just…" He sighed. "Something happened and I needed to get away for awhile…"

"But you won't leave again?" Eli asked sadly.

Elliot shook his head. "Never again. I promise."

Kathy smiled and walked over to Elliot and Eli. "Hey Eli…why don't you help me with the laundry. You can talk to Dad later okay?"

Eli looked at his Mom and then back to his Dad where he grabbed his face and leaned in to rest his small forehead against his fathers large one. "I missed you Daddy."

Elliot smiled at his son, trying to fight off tears. "I missed you too."

Kathy took Eli leaving Elliot alone with his four oldest children. She shared a small smile with Elliot before walking down the hallway so they could talk alone.

Elliot turned nervously to his four other children, he took a few tentative steps towards them. "Hey…"

Dickie looked at Lizzie who just looked down at the ground, Kathleen looked to Maureen.

Maureen crossed her arms over her chest and stared directly at her father. "Why'd you come back?"

Elliot wanted to pull them all in for a hug but he knew they weren't ready for that yet. "A lot of reasons…I missed you guys. I couldn't hide forever…"

"If you missed us so much why didn't you call?" Dickie asked angrily. "We just woke up one day and Mom said you were gone…"

Elliot sighed. "I know. And that was wrong…I should never have done that to you. But I was really messed up…something happened at work and I just snapped. I'm sorry."

"What happened?" A soft spoken Lizzie asked.

Elliot rubbed the back of his head. "During a case…the victims daughter showed up at the precinct to confront her Mothers rapist and killer. She couldn't handle what had happened and Olivia and I didn't see how far gone she was…she pulled out a gun and started shooting people. She didn't care who she hit…"

Kathleen leaned up against the wall. "What did you do?"

Elliot sighed. "I shot her…"

Dickie swallowed hard. "Did she…die?"

Elliot nodded. "Yeah…I killed her. She was so young…she had so much life ahead of her. And I killed her…" He said as his voice cracked.

Maureen stared at her father, for the first time in her life she saw just how fragile he really was. "You were trying to stop her from hurting anyone else…"

Elliot nodded slowly as a tear fell from his eye, he wiped it away. "Yeah. But I still killed her…"

"How come you didn't tell us what happened?" Dickie asked sadly.

Elliot shook his head. "Because I didn't want to say it out loud…I couldn't say it out loud. And…I was afraid you would look at me differently."

"You're still our Dad…" Lizzie whispered. "We know you would never just kill someone if you didn't have too…it's a hazard of the job." She looked over at her siblings. "I don't think of him any differently, do you guys?"

Kathleen looked at Lizzie then back to her Dad. "Of course not."

Maureen shook her head. "Me either."

Dickie nodded. "If anything…I respect you more for finally telling us the truth and facing your problems."

Elliot stared at his kids for a moment. "You will never know how sorry I am for leaving you guys…I didn't want too. I was just so…I was so scared."

Maureen walked forward and pulled her Dad in for a hug. "It's okay Dad. You're allowed to be scared sometimes…you don't always have to be the tough guy."

Elliot hugged his oldest daughter tightly. "I don't know how to not be the tough guy…"

Maureen pulled back as Kathleen walked over to hug her Dad, she smiled at him when she pulled away. "Well I guess you're just going to have to learn…"

Elliot smiled and sniffled before turning to the twins. "Do you think you can forgive me?"

Lizzie smiled and hugged her Dad. "Of course Dad."

Dickie stared at his father for a moment. "Are you okay now?"

Elliot shrugged. "No…not really. But I know now that I need to get help for things."

Dickie narrowed his eyes. "Well then what made you come back now?" He asked skeptically.

Elliot looked down. "Liv came to see me…I was staying at your Grandmas. She made me realize what I had done was wrong. She ended up leaving after a few days…and I felt like there was something she was hiding from me. So I came back to see her."

"Was she upset about the shooting too?" Lizzie asked.

Elliot nodded. "Well that's part of it. But…Olivia has breast cancer."

All four kids looked stunned. "Breast Cancer?" Maureen whispered.

Elliot nodded again. "Yeah. Your Mom saw her at the hospital yesterday after she had her first procedure. The Doctors are very confident that everything will be okay…but she still has a long fight ahead of her."

Dickie stared at his father again. "And how are you dealing with that?"

Elliot smiled sadly. "I'm terrified for her. But she needs me…so I'm going to be there for her."

"Are you guys…together now?" Lizzie asked softly.

Elliot shook his head. "Not…not really. I think we both know that there are a lot of things we need to work on before we can even have that conversation."

Dickie swallowed hard. "I think I speak for all of us when I say that if you did get together…" He paused. "We would be okay with it…"

Maureen nodded. "Yeah. We love Liv…if there's anything we can do to help her get better. Please let us know."

Elliot stared at his children for a moment. "I expected you all to just completely shut me out because of what I did…"

Kathleen smiled at her father. "Well lucky for you Dad…we not only inherited your stubbornness but we inherited Mom's big heart too."

Elliot smiled. "I guess you did…" He looked over at his son again, who still hadn't embraced him like the girls. "You're still mad…"

Dickie shook his head. "Not really mad…just concnerned."

"About what?" Elliot asked softly.

Dickie shrugged. "You said Olivia has a tough fight ahead of her…and you clearly have a lot to work on personally as it is. How do we know you're not going to run out on us again?"

"Dickie!" Maureen yelled nervously.

Elliot put his hand up to silence his oldest daughter. "It's okay Maureen…he's right. You don't know that…and I can't guarantee I won't freak out. But if there is anything I've learned from all of this is that running doesn't solve anything. It only makes things worse…"

Dickie nodded and crossed his arms over his chest, Elliot saw so much of himself in his son at that moment that it was scary. "Alright…fair enough." Dickie said. "What happens now that you and Mom are divorced?"

He paused. "Are you guys okay with your Mom and I getting divorced?"

"I think it's what's best." Lizzie said. "You guys haven't been happy for a long time…you can't force a marriage. You both deserve to be happy. If Liv is what makes you happy…and I think she is…then you should be with her."

"I did love your Mom…I do love her." He sighed. "But sometimes that isn't enough…"

Dickie nodded. "It's okay Dad…it's okay."

"I don't know what's going to happen in the next couple of months...and there not going to be easy. But I swear no matter what happens I won't leave again." He said as more tears fell down his cheeks. "I won't leave again…ever."

Dickie finally walked over to his Dad and pulled him in for a hug. "Welcome home Dad."

Elliot hugged his son tightly. "It's good to be home son…"

For the rest of the afternoon Elliot sat with his children and they talked more about what had happened. Finally Elliot knew that it was time to go back to Olivia's to check on her. He said his goodbyes and walked to the front door with Kathy.

"Look Kathy…" He started.

Kathy just smiled. "You don't have to say anything Elliot."

"I feel terrible though…about what I did to you. What I did to this family…" He whispered.

Kathy stared at him for a moment. "It's okay Elliot. You needed space and you finally took it…maybe you didn't go about it in the right way…but we understand and we respect it."

"Thank you for taking care of Olivia…" He whispered. "You didn't have too…"

Kathy shrugged. "She took care of you for so many years when I couldn't…and our kids from time to time. It was the least I could do. And besides…even if I didn't like her no one should be alone with what she is going through."

Elliot smiled. "Someday…you're going to find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I'm sorry I wasn't that man…"

Kathy leaned forward and kissed his cheek. "No matter what I'll never regret what we had Elliot. Because we got the five most amazing kids out of it…"

Elliot smiled. "We certainly did…"

Kathy opened the door. "Go back and check on Olivia. We'll see you soon."

Elliot nodded. "Absolutely. I'll call you tomorrow."

When Elliot got back into the car he finally felt a weight lift of his shoulders that had been there since he left. He knew the next few months weren't going to be easy. But now that he had faced some of his problems head on he knew he could push forward. Everything was going to be okay…it had to be.

* * *

><p>Back at the apartment, Olivia had taken a bath and changed into a pair of sweat pants, a large t-shirt and was sitting on the couch. Her hair was still wet and she hadn't even attempted to make herself look pretty. She was to tired and sore to do anything at the moment.<p>

The door to her apartment opened and she turned from the TV to Elliot as he walked in. "Hey…"

He smiled and shut the door behind him. "Hey…"

She flipped the TV off and pulled her legs up onto the couch. "How did it go?"

Elliot took his coat off and walked over to sit with her, he smiled. "It went a lot better than I had expected…"

"I told you it would be okay." Olivia said reaching over to squeeze his leg.

He nodded. "So you did…"

"Do you feel any better?" She asked trying to read his expression.

Elliot took his shoes off and moved to get comfortable on the couch, he stared at her for a moment. "I guess I didn't realize just how much I missed them until I saw them again. Does that make any sense at all?"

She nodded. "Yeah it does. It's the same way I felt when I saw you for the first time at your Moms…"

Elliot smiled. "I still feel guilty for leaving them. They didn't deserve that…at least not without an explanation."

"Did you tell them about the shooting?" Olivia asked nervously.

He nodded. "Yeah I did. Well everyone but Eli…I'll explain it to him when he's holder. I felt like the rest of the kids deserved the truth though."

"And what did they say?" Olivia asked.

Elliot sighed. "They were okay with it…I mean not okay with it but they weren't mad."

"Why would they be mad?" Olivia asked curiously. "That doesn't make any sense…"

Elliot shook his head. "I guess I was afraid they would look at me differently…like I'm a killer. It's what I was afraid of with you too."

Olivia sighed and scooted closer to him. "God…Elliot you are not a killer! That's just crazy. You did what you had to do…I can guarantee if you hadn't done it…someone else would have."

He took in her words before looking down at his hands. "I've shot people before…but not a kid."

She caressed his cheek. "I know…"

He looked back up at her, tears in his eyes. "I was afraid she was going to shoot you…" He whispered softly.

Olivia stared deep into his eyes for a moment before speaking again. "El I-"

He shook his head. "I couldn't stand the thought of you getting shot…I couldn't…" He sighed. "I wouldn't have been able to handle it."

She swallowed hard, afraid to even ask the question. "So…does that mean you blame me?"

Elliot was quiet for a second, trying to think of the right words. "I know it wasn't your fault. But I think for awhile I wanted to blame you to make myself feel better." She turned away from him, and he could see the pain he was causing her so he spoke up again. "But it wasn't your fault Olivia…I made a choice. I didn't have to shoot…"

She looked back over at him. "It wasn't your fault either. We've both picked each other over the job before…its nothing new."

He shrugged. "I guess you're right."

He was staring at her so intently she couldn't help but blush. "Why are you looking at me like that? I mean I know I look like a mess but-"

"You're beautiful." He said cutting her off, never breaking eye contact with her.

She opened her mouth to say something smart back but she couldn't seem to think of anything. She smiled at him and turned her gaze away from him for a moment trying to collect her thoughts.

Finally she licked her lips and reached over to grab his hand in hers. "Hey El?"

He smiled softly at her. "Yeah?"

"I just want you to know that I'm really glad you're here…" She whispered.

He squeezed her hand back. "I'm really glad I'm here to Liv…"

He took his hand away and moved closer to her so he could wrap his arms around her shoulder. She snuggled into his side as he reached for the remote and clicked the TV on again and she rested her head on his shoulder.

_  
>They fell asleep on the couch for an hour or two. Elliot woke up first and extracted himself from her grasp and checked the time. It was just about time for dinner so he went into the kitchen to find something whip up for them.<p>

Olivia continued to sleep for a little while longer but finally started to stir when she began to smell the delicious salmon dinner that Elliot was preparing. She opened her eyes and stared at him moving through her kitchen so effortlessly for a moment. She couldn't keep the smile from forming on her face as she sat up. He turned and smiled when he saw that she was awake.

"Hey." He said as he turned the stove off. "Dinner's almost ready…"

"You didn't have to cook dinner Elliot. You've done enough already…" She whispered as she pulled a blanket up around her suddenly feeling cold.

He shrugged. "We have to eat at some point." He saw her about to get up but he shook his head. "No. Stay there. I'll bring it to you when its done."

Olivia smiled and he just winked back as she leaned her head against the back of the couch and continued to watch him. "How long was I out for?"

Elliot shrugged. "I think we slept for almost two hours together. You've been out for another fort-five minutes or so. No big deal…"

She snuggled deeper into the couch. "I've never spelt this much in my life…"

He smiled. "You need your rest. It's a good thing. And besides…I think you have a lot of sleep to catch up on after all these years working at SVU."

She chuckled. "I guess that's true."

He plated her food and his and brought it over to her on the couch. "Eat up."

She sat up straighter, wincing slightly as she felt the pain in her chest where the incision was. "Ouch…uh thanks."

He put his plate down and got up off the couch again. "Be right back."

"Where are you going?" She asked pouting as he left.

He went into her bedroom and brought out her pain medication and went to get her a glass of water. "You should take another one of these."

She shook her head as he walked over to her again. "El I'm fine really…its not that bad."

He rolled his eyes. "Would you stop being so proud and just take the damn medication please?"

She laughed and reached out to take it from him. "Fine. If that's what you think is best Dr. Stabler."

He smirked at her and sat down. "I just don't want to see you in any pain."

"It's really not that bad…its just…" She put the pill in her mouth and took a sip of her water before continuing. "Just a little sore…uncomfortable really."

He shrugged. "All the more reason to take the medication."

She put the glass down on the table and reached for her plate again. "This looks really good."

Elliot smiled. "I don't know how to cook much…but my Mom taught me how to cook salmon while I was with her."

Olivia smiled. "It's one of my favorites."

"I know." He said staring at her. "You told me last year at the annual work Christmas Party. They served it and you said you'd eat salmon everyday if you could."

Olivia stared at him for a moment, shocked by what he had said. "How-how do you remember that?" She stuttered.

He shrugged. "I remember a lot of things about you…"

The blush was beginning to creep up in her cheeks again. "Like what?"

He smiled as he ate a piece of his salmon. "Well…I remember the first birthday of yours after we became partner's. Cragen had told me it was your birthday and you didn't want me to know…but I bought you a cupcake anyway. I put it on your desk without you knowing and you started to cry…but I never told you I saw you."

Olivia gawked at him. "You remember that? Wait…you saw me cry? How come you never said anything?"

Elliot shrugged. "Because we had just started working together…I didn't want to intrude."

"And yet you still bought me a cupcake…even though it was clear I didn't want to celebrate my birthday." She said laughing.

Elliot shrugged again. "Everyone deserves something on their birthday…even something as simple as a cupcake."

She stared at him for a moment. "I was crying because…" She paused and looked down at her plate. "No one had ever made me cake or anything before…it was my first real birthday cupcake."

He was stunned by her admission. "You had never had a birthday celebration before that?"

Olivia laughed. "That probably sounds ridiculous…but I never told anyone my birthday. It was usually the worst day for me growing up…because it was just a giant remind to my Mom about what happened to her. She used to promise to take me out somewhere…but then I'd wake up on my birthday and she would be completely loaded. She'd cry all day…and yell at me for being born." She shrugged. "I hated my birthday…so I never told anyone when it was. Cragen only knew because my birthday was on my application…"

"I guess I never thought about it that way…" He whispered. "I'm sorry if I over stepped my boundaries-"

She shook her head. "No. No you didn't. It was nice…it was the first year that I really started to not hate my birthday so much. So…thanks."

He smiled back. "You're welcome…"

She smiled and looked back down at her plate, she picked up some rice with her fork and then looked back at him. "What else do you remember?"

He waited until he finished swallowing some food. "Uh…" He started to laugh. "I remember one time we were on a stakeout and we had been there all night…it was freezing and I had fallen asleep."

Olivia's face flushed again. "Oh no…"

He smirked at her. "You thought I was still asleep and you started to sing along to some ridiculous song on the radio…I believe there were dance moves involved as well."

Olivia grimaced. "I can't believe you were awake for that!"

Elliot chuckled. "It was really hard not to just start laughing…you were totally in the zone you didn't see that I had one of my eyes open watching you."

She laughed sadly. "I am so humiliated."

He smiled. "It was actually pretty cute." He shrugged. "I think it was one of the reasons I started to fall for you…" Olivia looked at him and then looked away quickly again, he knew she still wasn't ready and deep down he wasn't either so he spoke again. "What song was it anyway?"

Olivia cleared her throat and thought for a moment. "Uh…" She started to laugh. "Oh man…I think it was Carly Simon, 'You're so Vain'."

Elliot laughed. "Yeah that was it! I just remember you closing your eyes and swaying your head as you sang "You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yaht…"

"Your hat was strategically dipped below one eye…your scarf it was apricot." Olivia sang back chuckling.

Elliot smirked. "You had one eye in the mirror as…you watched yourself gavotte!" He started to laugh again. "What does that even mean?"

Olivia laughed. "I honestly have no idea…"

He laughed a little and then smiled. "I thought it was cute when you were singing…"

She shook her head. "I'm still embarrassed. But I'm more surprised that you never said anything until now…"

Elliot shrugged. "It never came up…"

She reached for her up and took another sip of her water before turning back to him. "Do you remember the Christmas you forgot to pick up the new bike for Dickie?"

Elliot groaned. "Oh man…if we hadn't gotten into that toy store I think Kathy would have killed me."

"You made me call the bike shop and pretend that I was interested in dating the owner so that he would stay open late!" Olivia said glaring at him.

Elliot chuckled. "You were very convincing…"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "I just wanted to make sure Dickie didn't get disappointed on Christmas morning." She shook her head. "I remember you grabbed the bike, threw the money down and practically dragged me out of there!"

Elliot smirked. "That's cuz I was jealous…"

She gawked at him. "Jealous? Are you kidding me?"

Elliot laughed and shook his head. "No. I hated seeing you give him attention like that…that was one of the first nights that I realized I couldn't deny how I felt anymore."

"Why?" She asked curiously.

Elliot sighed. "Just seeing you willing to do anything just to put a smile on one of my kids faces…made me realize how amazing you really are."

She blushed again. "You know I'd do anything for your kids…"

He nodded slowly. "I know…and you'll never know how much I appreciate that."

She cleared her throat before smiling as she picked up a piece of salmon with her fork. "You had nothing to be jealous of though…I wasn't interested in that guy at all. I was just trying to help you out…" She looked over at him again. "Cuz I'd do anything for you too…"

Elliot smiled at her. "I know. And I'd do anything for you too Liv…anything at all."

She nodded. "Right…well now that that is settled…"

He chuckled. "Liv. I mean it. You know I'd take a bullet for you…"

She looked back up at him and smiled. "I know."

Elliot started eating again. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded slowly. "Sure."

"Did you ever…did you ever want to get married? I mean before…" He whispered nervously, afraid to hurt her feelings.

Olivia smiled sadly. "Sure. Who doesn't? But…I never found the right person. Too much baggage probably…and I tied myself to the job because it was really the only thing that made sense to me. It's easier to solve other peoples problems than solve my own…so I found a reason to ruin every relationship I ever had." She shook her head. "Stupid I know…and now I have a lot of regrets." She shrugged. "But I can't change the past…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "You always solve my problems…"

She laughed. "I don't know about that…"

He smiled. "It's true." He paused again and picked at his food. "Can I ask you one more question?"

She thought about it for a moment then nodded. "Alright."

"If you found the right person…would you get married now?" He asked in a soft voice.

She was so taken aback by his question that it took her a minute to muster up the courage to even think of an answer. "I…I don't know. I mean…" She sighed and looked over at him. "Right now I'm not sure if that's even a reality that could happen for me..."

"But if you survive all this." He paused and shook his head. "No…when you survive all this." He smiled. "Do you want to get married?" He shrugged. "If you find the right person…" He said with a smirk.

She couldn't help but laugh at his way of trying to discuss their feelings without actually saying how they felt. "Uh…yeah. Yeah I guess if I found the right person…then I would marry them."

Elliot's heart jumped slightly and he smiled. "Good to know."

She laughed. "Good to know?"

He winked. "Yeah. Good to know…" He pointed at her plate. "Now finish eating…it's good for your health."

She rolled her eyes. "Yes Dr. Stabler."

Elliot smirked and took another bite of his salmon and thought about the possibilities of what could be when all this was behind them. They just had to push through it first…

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked it :) I'm about half way through the next chapter so it should be up soon. Let me know what you thought!<strong> 


	8. Chapter 8

At her Doctors appointment on Monday, Olivia and Elliot were sitting in Dr. Cooper's office waiting for her to come in with the results. The car ride there was silent except for when Elliot tried to break the tension. He knew she was scared and he was trying his best to be there for her, but this was still a new concept for him. The office door opened and Dr. Cooper walked in and smiled at Olivia as she sat down at her desk.

"Ah Olivia…whose this?" She asked turning to Elliot.

Olivia looked at Elliot and then back at Dr. Cooper. "This is Elliot Stabler. He's my…" She paused. "Um…"

Elliot stuck his hand out to Dr. Cooper to shake. "Friend. I'm Olivia's friend…best friend. We worked together for thirteen years."

Olivia's cheeks turned red out of embarrassment and Dr. Cooper just smiled. "Well. Mr. Stabler I'm glad you're here to support Olivia."

He smiled "Please. Call me Elliot. And there's no where else I'd rather be…if the tables were turned Olivia would be sitting beside me."

Dr. Cooper smiled. "Alright. Well you can call me Amy…should we get started here?"

Olivia nodded and settled back into her chair. "Yes. Please."

Amy smiled. "Great. Well…first of all how are you feeling this morning Olivia?"

Olivia sighed. "Um…I'm alright. Still a little sore…but for the most part I feel great."

"Any nausea? Depressive feelings, anxiety?" She asked looking down at her charts.

Olivia shook her head. "No…not really."

Amy looked back up at her and smiled. "Great. Well I have your results here…as I told you after the surgery we were confident that we got the whole tumor."

"And did you?" Elliot asked nervously, his heart was pounding in his chest.

Amy smiled; happy to see that Olivia had some one here to ask the questions she was sure Olivia was too afraid to ask. "Yes. We did."

Elliot sighed with relief and looked over at Olivia, who was smiling softly. "Well that's great!"

Amy nodded. "It is. From the tests we did today there is no sign of any other tumors or left over tissue. That of course doesn't mean that the tumor won't or can't come back…"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Which is why I need to do radiation?"

Amy nodded. "As I told you before, it's ultimately your decision. I can't force you to do anything you don't' want too. But I would highly suggest it in order to minimize the chances of the tumor from coming back."

Elliot squinted his eyes at her. "It won't guarantee it won't come back though?"

Amy shook her head. "Unfortunately no…with cancer there really are no guarantees."

Elliot looked over at Olivia. "Well you're still going to do the radiation right?"

Olivia looked at Elliot then back at Amy. "You think it's absolutely necessary?"

Elliot looked nervous. "Liv…"

Amy smiled. "Olivia…I know the prospect of radiation is scary. I'm not going to tell you it will be easy…but it can help you live longer in the end. That's something you want isn't it?"

Elliot looked over at Olivia again, Olivia looked at him and saw the fear in his eyes and she realized no matter how scared she was she finally had something to live for. Even if she didn't know what was actually going on with them or what would happen later on down the road…he was here right now with her. He wanted her in his life and that was enough for her to continue this fight. And after all, she had promised Kathy that she wouldn't give up.

Still looking at Elliot, Olivia nodded her head. "Yes. Yes, that is something I want."

Elliot smiled softly at her as Amy began to talk again. "Well good. There are different options for the radiation and they produce different effects. What I would like to do is external radiation. It would require you to come in five times a week which I know is a lot but we find it to be the most effective procedure…"

Olivia fidgeted in her seat. "Five times a week?"

"Again, I know it seems like a lot but I think it will be the best for you. It gives radiation through a beam targeted to the area of the breast that the cancer is in. It's not intrusive like other forms of treatment and it lasts about 5 to 7 weeks. Because it is done so often it gives you a higher chance of not having the tumor come back." Amy said.

"And what about side effects?" Olivia asked nervously.

"Unlike with internal procedures of radiation, the side effects are different and there are less of them. You will feel fatigued, nausea or loss of appetite. You might also experience some chest pain as well as discomfort in your lungs when you breathe but that won't be all the time. And you are more susceptible to illness and germs." She said. "Like I said…it won't be easy but I know you can do this Olivia."

Elliot looked over at Olivia. "What do you think?"

Olivia bit her lip. "That's just a lot of information to take in at once…"

Am nodded. "Understandable. You of course don't have to make a decision right away but the sooner we start this the more effective it will be."

Olivia looked from Amy to Elliot. "What do you think?"

Elliot smiled at her. "I think you can do this Liv. I've seen you face some of the most dangerous criminals in the city without breaking a sweat…"

She smiled at him and chuckled softly. "Yeah then how come this seems so difficult and scary to me?"

Elliot shrugged. "Because for the first time you have to take care of yourself rather than a victim or a friend and that scares the crap out of you."

Olivia sighed, "Damn you…"

Amy chuckled. "It seems that Elliot has it all figured out…"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You don't know the half of it…"

"I know that you are scared and that this is a lot to process but I have complete faith in you. And I also see that you have a good support system…like I told you before that is extremely important. Have you told the rest of the people in your life?" She asked.

Olivia tensed and Elliot laughed. "No…we haven't gotten that far yet."

Amy smiled. "Okay. Well I'll tell you what…why don't you take today and tomorrow to discuss with your friends and family what is going on. Take all of their advice and then make your decision."

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "But I thought you said-"

Amy nodded. "Olivia I don't want you to do anything that you aren't ready for. If you don't have complete confidence in it like I do than it won't go as easily for you. I think as a cop you know that the way you view things and what your attitude is about them has a huge effect on the outcome of a situation."

Olivia smiled. "You mean I have to just suck it up and tell people so that I can get on with the radiation?"

Amy laughed. "I think what you are trying to hide this diagnosis…I'm not sure if its because you feel ashamed or because you don't want to burden other people. But I know that you can't hide it forever…there going to find out someway or another. And the sooner you tell them, the less stressed you will feel which will make you more comfortable and confident in this next step. Do you understand?"

Olivia sighed. "Yeah. I guess so…"

Amy nodded. "Well good." She turned to Elliot. "Now I need to ask you for a favor."

Elliot sat straight in his chair and nodded. "Okay. What is it?"

"I have a feeling she's going to try and not tell people the truth…so you need to push her until she gives in." She said smirking. "And something tells me I don't have to worry about you nagging her…"

Elliot laughed. "No. I've been doing that for thirteen years…I think I can do it a little longer."

Amy smiled. "Well good. In that case…why don't you make an appointment for Wednesday with me? I should have some free time. In the mean time…you need to go to the rest of your friends and be honest about what is going on."

Olivia nodded slowly. "Alright."

"Great. I'll see you on Wednesday then." She said standing up and putting a hand out to Elliot. "It was nice to meet you Elliot."

"You as well Dr. Cooper. Thank you for taking such good care of Olivia." He said shaking her hand.

Amy smiled and looked at Olivia who stood up next to them. "Well I think you're helping a lot too…"

* * *

><p>Olivia and Elliot went out to the main office and made a new appointment with Dr. Cooper before leaving the hospital. They were walking towards their car in silence for a few minutes before Elliot decided to break the silence.<p>

"So…am I dropping you off at the precinct so you can talk to everyone?" He asked as they continued to walk.

"Oh we're going to the precinct but you're coming in with me." Olivia said with a smirk.

Elliot stopped in his tracks. "What? What do you mean I'm coming with you?"

She sighed and turned to look at him. "Uh yeah…you're coming into the precinct with me to tell everyone."

Elliot rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Liv…I don't know if that's the best idea."

She walked closer to him. "And why not?"

"Because…Dr. Cooper said you needed to tell everyone what was going on. Me being there will just turn the attention to me and how I left." Elliot said.

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "You promised me that you were going to be there for me every step of the way didn't you?"

Elliot sighed. "Yes but-"

"And you also said that we were going to face our problems together didn't you?" She asked raising an eyebrow as she crossed her arms over her chest.

He stared at her for a moment. "I guess I did."

Olivia smirked. "Well then you coming to the precinct with me and we're going to confront our problems together. If you expect me to lay all my feelings out on the line than I expect you to do the same thing."

"That isn't fair…" He said laughing sadly. "I haven't seen or talked to the guys in forever…we don't' know how they are going to react to seeing me."

She rolled her eyes. "Well it's not exactly fair that I have cancer either but I do. And if they yell at you…well you deserve it. You were a child and now its time to face the consequences. Now…are we going to the precinct or not? It's all up to you."

Elliot stared at her for a moment; he knew she had a point. "Fine. I guess we're going to the precinct."

Olivia smiled. "See…was it really that hard to give into my demands?"

Elliot chuckled. "This isn't going to be pretty…"

She shook her head. "No. It's not. But we'll face it together right?"

Elliot smiled. "Right."

Olivia smiled and pulled him along towards the car. She knew this was going to be a long day, but it was something they both had to do. The longer they waited the harder it would be for them to face their problems.

* * *

><p>Forty minutes later Olivia and Elliot were standing outside of the precinct, Olivia knew that this was going to be hard so she stood beside Elliot and waited for him to be ready. He was just standing there, staring at the building like it was about to swallow him hole.<p>

"She's not in there El…" Olivia whispered referring to Jenna, the girl Elliot had killed.

He sighed. "I know she's not…but the memories are."

"It won't be any easier if you try and do this in six months…" Olivia whispered.

Elliot looked over at her. "You'll stay with me?"

She nodded slowly. "As long as you stay with me."

Elliot nodded. "Alright. I'm ready then."

They walked into the building and took the elevator up the floors to the precinct. Together they walked out of the doors and into the familiar office, and immediately heads began turning in their direction. Olivia smiled over at him encouragingly and he just smiled back, letting her take the lead.

"Hey guys." Olivia said as she approached the desks of Fin, Munch, Amaro and Rollins.

Elliot's pulse began to quicken when he saw Amaro sitting at his old desk. "Liv? Elliot?" Munch asked. "Well looks like we traveled back in time…"

Olivia smiled. "Ha. Ha." She rolled her eyes and turned to Nick and Amanda. "Nick, Amanda this is Elliot Stabler."

Nick stood up and put his hand out for Elliot to shake. "It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you."

Elliot reached over slowly and shook his hand. "All good things I hope."

Olivia shook her head. "Don't answer that Amaro." She turned to Fin and Munch who were staring at Elliot. "Is Cragen around?"

Fin turned from Elliot to Olivia. "Yeah. He's in his office."

"Good. Because Elliot and I need to talk to the both you, Munch and Cragen. You free for a few minutes?" She asked.

Munch stood up and nodded. "Sure. Let's go."

Nick turned to Olivia. "Does this mean you are coming back Olivia?"

Olivia turned to him and tried to smile. "Not right away. I'll talk to you later okay?"

Olivia and Elliot walked with Fin and Munch over to Cragen's office. They knocked on the door and went in when they were permitted, Cragen smiled when he saw Olivia, but his face fell when he saw Elliot.

"Hey Cap…" Olivia whispered as Elliot shut the door behind them all.

Cragen stood up. "Liv. I didn't expect to see you here today." He turned to Elliot. "And…and Elliot…it's so good to see you. How have you been?"

Elliot felt all eyes on him, he looked over at Olivia nervously and she just smiled encouragingly. "I uh…I've been alright." He paused. "I…I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way I left…"

Cragen stared at him for a moment. "Elliot you know that your health was always the most important thing to all of us. We were sad to see you go…it isn't the same here without you. But you need to do what's right for you."

Elliot nodded. "Thank you Captain. But…I didn't handle things in the correct way. I just kind of freaked out…after everything you've done for me…" He turned to Fin and Munch. "After everything you've all done for me you deserved more than that…"

Munch stared at him for a moment. "Does this mean you are coming back?"

Elliot sighed. "I…I don't know yet. I wasn't planning on coming back to see any of you this soon…" He turned to Olivia. "But I had someone make me pull my head out of my ass and smarten up."

Cragen laughed. "So that's where you went?"

Olivia smirked. "Yeah. Sorry I lied to you about it…I just wasn't sure he was ready yet."

Cragen nodded. "I understand."

Fin sighed and looked at Elliot. "You know you could have talked to us about what happened…"

Elliot nodded. "I know. But talking about my feelings has never really been my strong suit has it?"

Fin laughed. "Fair enough…"

Elliot smiled. "I don't know what I'm going to do yet…or if I want to come back at all. I just wanted you all to know that I'm sorry for leaving like that. You have every right to be mad at me…I just hope that someday we can be friends again."

Munch shook his head. "Elliot…after all the crap we've been through you running away for a bit isn't going to change us. We're a family. An extremely dysfunctional family…but a family none-the-less."

Fin nodded. "I agree. Do what you need to do Elliot. We got your back no matter what you decide."

Elliot smiled. "Thank you."

Cragen laughed. "Well I gotta hand it to you Olivia…I knew at some point you'd go and try and bring him back. I didn't think it would go this smoothly though."

Olivia grimaced. "Yeah…well that's not the only reason we're here."

Elliot looked over at Olivia and smiled encouragingly at her, not it was her turn to face her problems. "What does that mean?" Fin asked.

Olivia sighed. "Well…I took some time off not only to sort through some of my issues that have happened in the last few months. But…I recently got some news that I need to tell all of you."

"This means you aren't coming back now doesn't it?" Munch asked.

Olivia looked over at him. "Yeah…I'm going to need some extended time off."

"How long?" Cragen asked.

"I'm not entirely sure…" Olivia whispered. "I don't want you guys to freak out…because everything is going to be fine."

"Liv just spit it out. You're freaking me out." Munch said nervously.

Olivia took a deep breath and said. "I was diagnosed with breast cancer."

The room was silent for a moment as her words sunk into all of them. Elliot put an encouraging hand on Olivia's back and spoke to his friends.

"But she already had her first procedure to remove the tumor and it went really well. We went to see the Doctor today and she said that there was no sign of the tumor anymore. But she still has to do radiation." Elliot said.

Cragen cleared his throat. "Well…that's…that's good." He paused again. "How…how are you doing?"

Olivia licked her lips. "I can honestly say I never expected this to happen to me…but I'm okay. Or I will be…" She turned and smiled to Elliot. "El's been a great help with this whole thing…and my Doctor said that I need a good support system around me."

Munch reached a hand out to her. "Liv…you know we're here for you. This is…" He sighed. "I'm sorry…I don't know what to say."

She smiled at him. "You don't have to say anything. And you don't have to be sorry…it happens. And now I'm dealing with it."

Fin sniffled and looked at Olivia. "Cancer…"

She smiled at him. "Yep…"

He shook his head. "Are you…" He paused and sighed. "Are you scared?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Yeah. I am." She tried to smile. "But…but everything is going to be fine."

Elliot rubbed her back gently. "Yeah it is."

Silence filled the room as the news really began to weigh on them all. With everything they saw at SVU, cancer was the one thing they weren't prepared for.

Cragen wiped a tear from his eye. "Is there anything you need? Anything we can do to make you more…I mean…" He sighed and sat down at his desk again. "See its times like these I really wish I could have a drink…"

Everyone chuckled slightly and Olivia wiped her own tears away. "Please don't. I need you sober…"

Cragen smiled sadly. "You're a fighter Olivia…don't you go giving up on us okay?"

Olivia shook her head. "Wouldn't dream of it Cap."

Munch leaned in and pulled Olivia in for a hug. "We're here…no matter what."

Olivia hugged him back and squeezed her eyes shut as the tears fell. "Thank you Munch."

Munch pulled away and smiled, Fin walked over to her and hugged her. "Yeah baby girl…we got your back. Anything you need, day or night we'll be there."

When he pulled back Olivia dried her eyes and smiled. "I hate you guys for making me cry…"

Fin laughed. "Sorry…can't help it."

She shrugged. "If the roles were reversed…I'd cry too. But I'm glad it's me and none of you…" She said honestly.

"Well you know we'd all switch places with you now if we could." Cragen said.

Olivia swallowed hard. "Alright…lets not do this. Okay? I had the surgery…it went well. Radiation is next…I have cancer. I can't change it and I don't want to dwell on it. So…lets just…" She paused. "Let's go out for a drink…" She turned to Cragen and smirked. "A soda for you…I just…need to feel normal right now." She said laughing. "I don't want to be the sick girl…so please…lets just get out of here."

Munch looked over at Cragen. "What do you say Cap? Can we take the rest of the day off?"

Cragen smiled. "Definitely."

Together they walked out of Cragen's office and out into the main room. Amaro walked over to Olivia and smiled.

"What you hate me that bad that you're replacing me already?" He asked with a smirk.

Olivia looked at Elliot and the rest of the guys and smiled. "Meet you guys downstairs."

They nodded, Elliot looked slightly jealous but walked away with Munch, Fin and Cragen.

"So what's going on Benson?" Amaro asked. "You leaving?"

"Look Amaro…you're a great detective. I'm sorry we didn't get to work together longer. But right now I need to take some time off." Olivia said.

"You miss Elliot? Is he coming back?" He asked.

Olivia shrugged. "I don't know what he is going to do yet. But…I'm sick. I have breast cancer…I'm getting treated for it right now so I need to leave work for awhile."

He looked shocked by her words. "Oh…Jesus Olivia I'm so sor-"

"Don't." She said laughing. "Don't be sorry…just…" She shrugged. "Just go out there and kick some ass for me."

Amaro smiled. "You got it Benson."

She smiled and walked out of the office and took the elevator down to the lobby. Elliot was waiting for her, he smiled. "You okay?"

She nodded and walked over to him. "I'm fine."

Elliot nodded slowly. "They already left. Told them we'd meet them there."

Olivia smiled. "Okay."

Elliot reached out for her hand and squeezed it gently. "It's okay…you know..." He shrugged "...if you're not okay."

She laughed. "I'm alright…I'm glad I finally told them. It feels like a weights been lifted off my shoulders which is good…"

Elliot nodded. "I feel better too. I've been avoiding this place for so long…I shouldn't have though. It's in my blood…"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. It is."

Elliot took a deep breath. "Come on…let's get out of here."

Olivia smiled and walked with Elliot back out to his car. "I saw the way you were looking at Amaro…"

Elliot chuckled. "Guess I didn't hide my jealously well."

"He's married." Olivia said. "I mean his wife is away in Iraq but he's not…" She laughed. "Well he's not you."

Elliot stopped in front of his car and smiled at her. "What's that mean?"

Olivia sighed and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Come on El…"

He stared at her for a moment. "You don't have to…"

"I know." Olivia said nodding. "But…this whole thing…me being sick…you leaving…" She shook her head. "I'm not saying that I'm going to…" She paused. "I just want you to know that…I care about you." She laughed. "That sounded so stupid."

Elliot shook his head, staring intently at her. "No…it didn't."

She smiled gently. "I'm not ready to say…you know…" She sighed. "I just…this whole thing made me realize I don't want to wait another thirteen years to let you know how much you mean to me. Okay? So just…just know that I-"

He smiled. "I care about you too Liv."

She opened her mouth to say something but she couldn't seem to find the words. "Okay…"

He cupped her face with his hand. "I love you." Her eyes welled up with tears, he knew she wasn't ready but he still wanted to say it. "You don't have to say it yet…it's okay."

"I love you too…" Olivia whispered. "I have for a long time…"

Elliot nodded. "Good. Because I've loved you for a really long time too…"

Olivia laughed. "Thirteen years…"

He moved closer to her. "Yep. Thirteen years…"

She squinted her eyes at him. "So…are you going to kiss me or do I have to wait another thirteen years?"

Elliot laughed. "If I kiss you…there's no going back."

She shook her head. "I don't want to go back…do you?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Alright then. So what are you waiting for?"

Elliot chuckled and leaned in and kissed her gently at first, the feeling of their lips touching for the first time was the most amazing feeling either of them had ever experienced. Elliot pulled her closer and tangled his hands in her hair and deepened the kiss wanting her to feel just how much he loved her.

When he finally pulled back, Olivia's eyes fluttered open as her cheeks blushed. "El?"

He couldn't take his eyes off of her. "Yeah?"

She smirked. "Let's not wait another thirteen years to do that again…"

Elliot laughed. "Trust me…after a kiss like that I'd never be able to wait thirteen years to kiss you again."

Olivia leaned up and kissed him gently before turning back to his car. "Good. Now our friends our waiting so lets go."

Elliot watched her slip into the car and he laughed to himself before looking up at the sky. "Don't take her away from me okay? Please don't…"

He walked around to the other side of the car and got in the drivers seat. He started the car and drove towards the bar. He looked over at Olivia who just winked at him; he took her hand and vowed he'd never let go.

* * *

><p><strong>I'll try and update soon :) Pretty busy with school and with Thanksgiving coming up I'll be traveling but I will make time to write new chapters. The new chapter is up for "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" as well! :) <strong>


	9. Chapter 9

On Wednesday afternoon, Olivia went back to the hospital with Elliot and talked to Doctor Cooper. They set up her first radiation appointment for Friday. Olivia knew it was the right thing to do but she still couldn't keep the fear away.

When they walked out of the hospital, Elliot smiled at her squeezing her hand gently. "You okay?"

She smiled at him. "Just a little nervous."

Elliot pulled her closer to him, it had only been two days but they were already falling comfortably into their roles as a couple. "I know…"

"Look, just because you said you were going to be with me through all of this doesn't mean you have to give up the rest of your life." She said shrugging. "You should go out and do something with the kids today…"

Elliot smiled at her. "I like spending time with you. But it just so happens that I do have plans with my kids today…and you have plans with Casey, Melinda and Alex."

Olivia swallowed hard. "Did you-?"

Elliot shook his head. "No. I ran into Casey at the store last night when I went to go buy groceries. Told her I was back…she asked about you. I told her that you two should get together so you're having dinner with them tonight." Olivia still looked nervous and Elliot rubbed her shoulders gently. "I know you have me, and you have Cragen, Fin and Munch…but you're going to need your girlfriends too."

Olivia smiled. "I know…"

"Are you mad at me? I thought about telling you yesterday but then Fin came over and I just kind of forgot." Elliot said.

Olivia rubbed the back of her neck. "No…no I'm not mad at you. I know you only did it because you want to help me."

Elliot leaned forward and kissed the top of her head. "It's going to be okay."

She smiled at him. "I feel like…I have two days to live normally and then everything is going to change."

"Things are going to change a little…but not forever." Elliot said shaking. "You're doing this to make your future better. Our future better…"

She smiled at the way he said 'our' and she nodded her head. "You know…Fin asked what the deal with us was last night."

Elliot raised his eyebrow. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him that I had no idea." She said laughing, Elliot smirked. "We kissed…we talk about our future but what does that mean?"

"We'll we're together." Elliot said nodding. "But if you want me to make it official…then I'll ask." He paused as Olivia smiled. "Will you be my girlfriend?"

Olivia laughed. "Let me think about it…" She said as she started to walk down the sidewalk again.

Elliot stood there for a moment before finally running up to her and grabbing her elbow to turn her around to face him. "You have to think about it?"

Olivia laughed and leaned in to kiss him. "Yes Elliot. I'll be your girlfriend."

He smirked at her. "You were just screwing with me…"

She leaned up and cupped his cheek with her hand. "I think it's cute when you squirm. Sorry."

Elliot glared at her. "You're mean."

Olivia laughed. "Sorry, I need things to make me laugh these days. And that made me laugh."

"Toying with my heart after thirteen years is funny to you?" He asked pulling her up against him.

Olivia cocked her head to the side. "Yes. Yes it is."

Elliot rolled his eyes and leaned down to kiss her. "I'm so screwed…"

Olivia laughed and pushed him away. "Come on Stabler, I have a dinner to get ready for."

* * *

><p>That night, Olivia came out of the bedroom dressed and ready to go to meet Alex and Casey for dinner. Elliot was taking the kids out to a movie; he smiled when he saw her putting her earrings on.<p>

"You look beautiful." He said as he cleaned up the kitchen.

Olivia smiled at him. "Thanks. I figured I only have a few days left before I start looking terrible…might as well enjoy it while I can."

Elliot sighed and walked over to her. "Liv…come on."

She smiled sadly. "Sorry. I just…I'm worried that you won't be-"

"Don't even finish that sentence." He said as he held his hand up to stop her. "You will always be beautiful to me. Okay?"

She pouted. "Okay…"

"I'm serious Liv." He said reaching for her hand. "So you're going to be tired…and you're going to be in pain, you might lose some weight but I don't care. You can't scare me off Liv…I'm not running again."

She put her hand on his chest and stared at him for a moment. "Promise?"

Elliot nodded. "Promise."

She sighed and pulled away before grabbing her bag. "I should go. I don't want to be late…"

"It's going to be okay." Elliot said softly. "They are your friends…"

She turned back to him. "I guess…I just don't want them to pity me ya know? I mean I know that Cragen, Fin and Munch didn't but they still have that look when they are around me…"

Elliot shrugged. "It's hard to know how to handle a situation like this. It's not that they pity you…they just care about you and want you to be okay."

Olivia smiled. "Yeah I guess…"

He walked back over to her and squeezed her hand. "You go have fun with the girls, talk to them about everything. I know it will make you feel better. And then you can come home and I'll be here…"

Olivia smiled and kissed him gently. "Have fun with the kids. Tell them I said hi."

He nodded. "I will."

Olivia winked and grabbed her keys before heading out of the apartment. She drove to the restaurant and walked in, Melinda, Casey and Alex were already there.

"Hey!" Alex said standing up. "You look great."

Olivia smiled and hugged all three of them. "Thanks. You all look great too."

"Alright let's cut to the chase…" Casey said as they sat down. "Elliot's back?"

Olivia laughed. "Uh yeah…Elliot's back."

"How? When? Why?" Casey asked leaning into her.

Melinda rolled her eyes. "Casey give the girl a chance to breath…"

Casey looked over at Melinda. "Come on this is huge! I mean…this can only mean one thing." She turned back to Olivia. "You two are doing it aren't you?"

Olivia's cheeks turned red. "Oh Jesus…"

Casey pointed at her. "I knew it!"

"We're not doing it!" Olivia said quickly. "I mean…not…I…" She laughed. "Not yet anyway…"

"So that means you are together?" Alex asked curiously.

Olivia nodded slowly as the waitress filled her water glass. "Yeah…we are. But it's complicated."

"Everything with the two of you is complicated." Casey said rolling her eyes.

Melinda ignored Casey again. "What happened?"

Olivia sighed. "Well…I don't know I got tired of Elliot hiding from what happened ya know? So I went to go see him at the house…and it turns out he and Kathy got divorced and he went to go live with his Mom."

"Wow…" Alex said. "And he never told you?"

Olivia shook his head. "After the shooting…he just kind of had a breakdown. He couldn't get over the fact that he took that girls life…even though it wasn't really his fault. He just snapped really…so I went to go see him and we talked. It was…it was nice."

"And then what happened?" Casey asked. "How did you end up together?"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Well see…that's where it gets complicated."

"Oh please don't tell me that he slept with someone else…" Casey said.

Olivia shook her head. "No. No Elliot didn't do anything…it's me."

"So…you slept with someone else?" Casey asked.

Alex leaned over and nudged Casey. "Shut up."

Olivia smiled at her friends. "Look…um…this isn't easy for me to say. And I'm not telling you so that you can feel bad for me or feel like you need to do something to help me. I'm telling you because I need to be honest about this…it's the only way for me to be okay."

"Olivia…what is it?" Melinda asked softly. "You know you can tell us anything…"

Olivia smiled sadly and took a deep breath. "Before I went to go see Elliot…I went to the doctors. And she…" She paused. "She told me I had breast cancer…"

The girls faces fell slowly, Melinda reached a hand over to Olivia and squeezed it. "Olivia…"

"After I found out, I really just wanted to talk to Elliot. He's the only person I wanted to be with ya know? And so that's when I went to his house and found out where he was. I didn't tell him…but he could tell that something was wrong. So he followed me back here and I ended up having to tell him the truth…when I got back I had surgery and Kathy was there when I woke up from surgery. I couldn't lie to him anymore…" Olivia said shaking her head.

"How did the procedure go?" Melinda asked.

Olivia nodded slowly. "It went well. They think they got the full tumor. But I'm still going to do radiation, I start on Friday."

Alex stared at Olivia. "Are you okay?"

Olivia shrugged. "I mean…I'm not extremely happy about it." She said laughing. "But…I'm dealing with it the best I can. And Elliot has been absolutely amazing…he's been with me every step of the way. I honestly expected him to run when he found out about me being sick…but he didn't and I know he won't."

Melinda smiled. "He loves you…it's always been obvious."

Olivia blushed. "To everyone but me…"

Alex laughed. "Yeah well you're stubborn…"

Olivia smiled and looked over at Casey. "Casey…you've been pretty quiet. You okay?"

Casey was still staring at Olivia; she had tears in her eyes. "Olivia…"

Olivia swallowed hard. "Casey don't…I'm okay. I'm going to be okay…"

Casey wiped a tear away. "I just…this isn't fair. You've already been through enough in your life. And now…now this? I just…it isn't fair."

Olivia started to tear up. "Yeah well…life isn't always fair. The things we see everyday, none of it is fair."

Casey sniffled. "Are you scared?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah. Yeah I am…but Elliot is being so strong for the both of us. I don't know what I would do without him right now…"

Casey reached for her hand. "Well you don't only have Elliot…you have us too. We're here Olivia…no matter what."

Olivia smiled and squeezed her hand. "Thank you Casey."

Melinda smiled. "You're tough…this will be a piece of cake."

Olivia looked over at her and laughed softly. "I sure hope so."

"Besides…you and Elliot have waited so long to be together." Alex said shaking her head. "There's no way that you would finally be together and be torn apart again…I don't believe that could happen."

Olivia smiled. "I still can't believe that we're…a couple. I've been so used to him being my best friend, my work partner…"

"But you aren't complaining right?" Melinda asked with a smirk.

Olivia laughed. "No. Not at all…it's nice. It's just going to take some getting used too."

"And you're telling me you haven't slept together yet?" Casey asked, suddenly very back to her old self.

The four girls were silent for a minute before they started laughing hysterically. The situation seemed so ridiculous and yet there was nothing they could do to change it. And at the moment, laughing made the most sense.

When they finally settled down, Olivia shook her head. "No Casey! We haven't slept together…"

"Well how come?" Casey asked curiously as she reached for her drink. "Come on! You two have been dancing around each other for years…just do it already!"

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Well you know we've been dealing with a lot of stuff and it just…hasn't come up."

Alex glared at Casey. "Yeah come on Casey…they've been a little preoccupied."

Casey nodded. "No I get that…but you know…you finally get to have sex with Elliot!"

Olivia sighed. "I know! I know…it's not that I don't want too…"

"Then what is it?" Melinda asked.

Olivia looked over at her. "I just…I have this scar and I feel like he's going to look at me differently ya know? And then after Friday…my body is going to start making all these changes and what if he we have sex before then and then he doesn't want me?"

"Oh come on…" Alex said shaking her head. "Olivia that man adores you."

"I know. And he says he'll always be attracted to me but…I couldn't blame him if he changed his mind when things start to get rough." Olivia said.

Melinda raised an eyebrow. "What if the roles were reversed? What if Elliot had cancer? If he started going through treatments and changed…would you not love him?"

Olivia cringed; the thought of Elliot being sick broke her heart. "No. Of course not!"

"Well then why would Elliot?" Melinda asked. "Come on…you've been through so much together already. This won't change how he feels about you…it couldn't."

"But what if…what if it comes back?" Olivia asked. "What if the radiation doesn't work and I have to…ya know have surgery where they…"

Alex grabbed Olivia's arm. "Don't do that. Don't go there yet…you said the first surgery went well. If you start thinking about what could happen you won't be able to focus on what is happening right now and that won't be good for your recovery."

Olivia sniffled. "But still…what if I do have to do that? How could he love me if I was disfigured?"

"I think you're more worried about how you will look at yourself than how Elliot will look at you." Casey said. "Elliot doesn't love you for your rack Liv…I mean I'm sure he appreciates them but he loves you for you."

Olivia laughed. "I just…I'm trying so hard to be okay with this but I'm really angry."

"That's normal." Melinda said shaking her head. "I would be angry if it was me…"

Olivia wiped her tears away. "I just feel like…what did I do to deserve this? I did everything right! I eat well, I exercise I don't do drugs…"

"Cancer can happen to anyone." Alex said softly. "You know that…"

"I just don't want to die." Olivia said shaking her head as the tears streamed down her face. "I'm not ready…there are so many things I still want to do!"

Casey had tears in her own eyes again as she grabbed Olivia's hand. "You are not going to die."

"Not today…" Olivia said laughing.

"Well we are all going to die at some point…" Alex said. "But I really don't think you're going anywhere yet."

"Why?" Olivia asked softly.

Alex smiled. "Because…Elliot won't let you go that easily."

Olivia smiled as more tears fell from her eyes. "I really love him…"

"I know." Alex said smiling. "I know…"

* * *

><p>For the rest of the night, the girls talked about other things to keep Olivia's mind off of her current situation. At the end of the night they said goodbye and promised to call her on Friday after her radiation. Olivia drove home feeling tired but happy that she had known told all of the people that were most important to her.<p>

Elliot had been right, she needed her girlfriends to support her during this time. When she got back to her apartment, she changed into more comfortable clothes and poured herself a glass of wine.

She sat down on the couch and looked out the window and stared at the moon as it hung bright over the city. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, she could feel the tears starting to burn the back of her eyelids but she didn't want them to fall. But finally she couldn't fight it anymore so she let them pour down her cheeks, the reality of her situation finally sinking in.

She was crying so hard she didn't hear her apartment door open and didn't notice Elliot as he walked over to her on the couch and pulled her into his arms. "Liv…"

"What-" She jumped nervously, but she relaxed when she saw it was him.

"It's just me…" He whispered as he began to dry her tears. "It's just me…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment before she started to cry again and he pulled her against him. "Elliot…"

"Shhh…" He said as he rubbed her back and rocked her back and forth. "Shhh…its okay Olivia. It's okay…calm down."

Olivia pulled away again and shook her head. "This isn't fair. Why is this happening to me?"

Elliot sighed; he finally understood that she was breaking down. "I don't know…I don't know why it's happening Liv. But it's going to be okay-"

Olivia groaned and stood up. "God stop saying that! Why does everyone keep saying that? Even when I say it, it sounds like a lie!"

Elliot watched her pace for a moment, he wanted to pull her back into his arms but he knew better. "Okay…okay I'm sorry I won't say that anymore."

She turned back to him and shook her head. "I mean this is bullshit! It's absolute bullshit! Cancer? I was supposed to die on the job or I don't know…drink myself into a stupor like my Mom. I wasn't supposed to die of cancer!"

Elliot stood up and sighed. "Okay first of all…no one said you were dying." She raised her eyebrow but he didn't let her interrupt him. "And secondly…you're not your mother so you would never drink yourself to death."

Olivia chuckled. "Yeah well that option seems really good right about now."

"I get it your pissed." Elliot said nodding. "You have every right to be pissed. And you know what? I'm pissed too."

She glared at him. "What are you pissed about? You're not sick."

Elliot shook his head. "No. I'm not. I'm pissed because the woman I love is sick and I can't fix it for her. I can't change it. I can't make it go away. I can't make anything better for her. And even though she keeps telling me she is leaning on me…right here in front of me I can see that she isn't okay. And she isn't letting me in and I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do. This is a new situation for me too Liv! I have stuff I need to work through too and now this on top of it all…it's a lot to handle!"

Being so wrapped up in her anger she only focused in on the last part of his speech. "I never asked you to help me!" Olivia yelled walking away from him. "You want out Elliot? Go. There's the door! Run…it's what you do best."

She started walking towards her bedroom and Elliot groaned and ran after her and spun her around. "Stop it. Stop it! God it's always so easy for you to push people away."

Olivia shook her head. "Oh because you're so good at relationships yourself."

"Just stop." Elliot said shaking his head. "Please…would you just stop for a moment and listen to me?"

"What?" She asked crossing her arms over her chest. "What is it Elliot?"

He sighed. "Look I'm sorry about the last thing I said…I didn't mean it like that. I just…I'm scared too. Didn't you hear anything else I said?"

She swallowed hard and tried to look away. "Yes. I did."

"Did you really? Because Liv…yeah I have a lot of other things going on right now. I have a lot on my mind but all I'm really worried about you. I know you're strong and I know you can beat this but I also know that you aren't being honest with me about how you're really feeling. At least you haven't been until right now…"

Olivia shook her head as she wiped a tear away. "Elliot don't…"

"Come on…" Elliot whispered to her. "Just…talk to me. Please…talk to me and I mean really talk to me."

She closed her eyes and sighed, she walked back to the couch and sat down. "Fine. You want me to talk to you?"

Elliot waited a moment and then walked back to the couch and sat down beside her. "Yes. I want you to talk to me."

Olivia leaned back on the couch and pulled her legs up against her chest, she wrapped her arms around her legs and held them tight. "Everyone keeps telling me to do the radiation…to fight and I know that's what I'm supposed to do but…" She shook her head and laughed. "I don't know if I want too…"

Elliot felt the anger at her words rise in him, but he knew that he had to let her speak so he leaned back and stared at her. "Why?"

"Because…" She sniffled. "Whose to say it's going to work? What if I go through all this pain and it still doesn't work?"

"But what if you go through all the pain and it does work?" Elliot asked. "What if you get better…and you're given the rest of your life. What would you do if it did work?"

She licked her lips. "What do you mean?"

"What do you want?" Elliot asked. "If you never got sick…what would you want for the rest of your life?"

Olivia pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Elliot…"

He smiled at her. "You told me before you want to get married…if you find the right person."

She sighed and looked down at her knees. "Yeah. I did."

Elliot nodded. "Well then I'll tell you what I want for the rest of my life…when you get better and if you hadn't gotten sick in the first place." He paused and then smiled. "I want to marry you…" Olivia squirmed in her seat but he kept going. "I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life making you happy…that's what I want."

She waited a moment and then asked the question that had been nagging at her ever since he had come back. "But what if I never went to get you?"

Elliot tensed. "What?"

"What if I never went to your Moms to face you? Would you have stayed there forever? Would you have never spoken to me again?" She asked curiously.

Elliot sighed. "That…that isn't fair."

"Nothing in life is fair." Olivia said shaking her head. "But why does it feel like the only reason you are here is because you feel sorry for me?"

Elliot stared at her, he knew she had a right to ask but he hated that she would think that. "Olivia…I love you."

She nodded. "That doesn't answer my question."

Elliot sighed and stood up, he walked to the window and looked out at the city. "You're right I was hiding from you because I was being stubborn. But I would have come to see you eventually anyway…"

Olivia laughed. "And why should I believe that?"

He turned and leaned against the window to look at her. "Because I couldn't stop thinking about you…because even though I thought being away would help…I knew the only thing that would make me feel better would be to see you again."

Olivia sighed and rested her head against her knees. "Elliot…"

He walked back over to her and knelt down in front of her. "Olivia…"

She looked up and wiped her tears away. "I'm so tired of trying to care…and I don't mean about this cancer thing. I just mean…no matter what I do it's never good enough. There's always another wall I have to break through, it never ends and I'm just so tired. I'm so fucking tired Elliot…"

He leaned up and cupped her face in her hands. "I know."

"I'm sorry…" She said sniffling. "I didn't mean…I'm so glad you're here because I don't think I could do this without you but I…" She shook her head and smiled sadly. "I don't know how to ask for help…and I'm so confused…part of me wants to just push you away forever and the other part just wants to hold onto you and never let go. And that actually scares me more than being sick…because I don't like needing people…"

He knew how hard it was for her to admit her feelings, he knew there were still things they had to talk about but right now she needed him. "Well then I guess it's a good thing that I'm not just anyone…"

Olivia smirked. "Oh really?"

Elliot nodded. "You and me…we aren't normal." Olivia laughed but he kept going on. "You know it's true. We are probably the most dysfunctional people in the world…and that's what makes us being together seem so right." He put his hand on her knee and squeezed it gently.

Olivia sighed and put her hand over his. "I don't like not knowing how to handle a situation."

Elliot shrugged. "Me either. We both need to be in control…but I guess we're going to have to learn now to not be in control."

"And how are we going to do that?" Olivia asked softly.

He smiled. "Well I've already started…" She looked at him curiously as he continued talking. "The minute you walked into my Mom's house Olivia I knew you had all the control…that I had to give in. And that's a good thing. I let go of my insecurities because this is where I want to be…so you can push all you want. You can say and think anything you want about me Olivia but I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving so you might as well accept that…"

Olivia leaned forward and put her legs on the ground, she wrapped her arms around Elliot tightly. "I'm sorry."

He sighed and moved, never letting her go as he sat down on the couch with her. "You don't have to apologize…how many stupid things have I said since you knew me?"

Olivia laughed and snuggled into his side. "Fair enough."

"You were right before…when you said we should stop saying it's going to be okay." Elliot said as he kissed the top of her head.

She swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"

"No one knows what's going to happen…" Elliot said with a raw voice. "I wish to God I could say it will be okay but we both know that is just something people say to make themselves and others feel better."

Olivia pulled back just slightly and stared at him for a moment. "So…what does that mean?"

Elliot leaned up and brushed a strand of hair out of her face and wiped the tears off her cheeks. "It means that this is going to be hard…not just for you but for all of us. And there are going to be days that we all want to just give up…you especially." He shook his head. "But we can't…we can't give up because I'm not done with you yet…"

Olivia laughed. "How romantic…"

He smiled. "I'm serious Liv."

She sighed and leaned back into him letting him wrap his arm around her. "I know…"

"Does this all have something to do with what happened with the girls?" Elliot asked as he ran his hands threw her hair.

Olivia closed her eyes and breathed him in. "The girls were fine…they were really understanding and supportive. I just…I don't know Casey started talking about you and me and how long we've waited to be together. And I just…I got so mad. Not at them…just everything."

He kissed the top of her head. "That's understandable."

"She asked if…" She paused and laughed sadly. "She asked if we had had sex yet…"

Elliot stopped running his hands through her hair for a moment. "Oh…"

Olivia pulled back and stared at him. "I have radiation on Friday…"

Elliot nodded slowly. "Yeah you do…what does that have to do with anything?"

She rolled her eyes. "Oh come on Elliot…I'm not going to be me anymore." She said shaking her head. "I'm going to change…at least for awhile and we just started dating…but now…"

"You think that if we don't have sex now then we never will?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shrugged. "It's like we said…we don't know what's going to happen."

Elliot nodded. "I guess that's true." He shook his head. "But…I don't want to do something that…that important just because you think we have too."

She shook her head. "I don't feel like I have to Elliot…I want to. I mean…" She blushed. "Don't you?"

Elliot smiled at her. "Of course I do. I've been thinking about it for thirteen years…"

She smiled. "Elliot I don't know what is going to happen to me…all this talk about death and what we want in our lives…" She shrugged. "If this all goes badly…I don't want to regret not being with you. Really being with you…"

Elliot smiled. "You're sure?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "I'm sure…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment and cupped her cheek in his hand. "Olivia…I want this too. But not like this…"

She swallowed hard. "What do you mean?"

He smiled. "Tomorrow…tomorrow is your last day before it all starts right?"

Olivia nodded. "Well…yeah. So?"

"So tomorrow…lets just…lets just spend the day together. Just you and me…" He said smiling. "Anything and everything you want to do we'll do it…including sex."

Olivia laughed. "Including sex?"

"Yeah that sounded less romantic than I would have liked it to sound…but I just…" He shrugged. "Let me do this for you…besides right now…you're tired…and upset. I want it to be special…"

Olivia stared at him for a moment before leaning down to rest her head against his shoulder again. "Okay…"

He wrapped his arm around her again and smiled. "Okay…"

"Hey El?" She asked wrapping her arm around his stomach.

"Yeah?" He asked as he closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against her head.

"You were wrong about something earlier…" She whispered.

"What do you mean?" Elliot asked as he opened his eyes curiously.

"You said you couldn't fix it…which is true. But you also said that you can't make me feel better…" She looked up him with a small smile. "You being here…it makes me feel better. I know the whole me yelling at you thing didn't make it seem like you were helping…but you are. You really are…"

Elliot smiled and leaned down to kiss her gently before she rested her head against his shoulder. "It's like I said…I'm not going anywhere Liv. I'm not leaving you…I'm in this."

Olivia smiled against him and closed her eyes, she was still terrified and she was still angry. But right now, she wanted to enjoy the last two days before her life took a drastic turn. And the only person she wanted to spend the time with was Elliot…

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked it :) The next chapter will hopefully be up soon, it will be the next day when they spend the whole day together and yes they will have sex. I haven't decided if I want to write about it and bump the chapter up to M or just you know lead up to the sex...hahahaha. I'm sure you'll all have opinions on that! Let me know what you think. <strong> 


	10. Chapter 10

**Sorry it took so long for me to update. School has been crazy since it is the end of the semester. I should have the next chapter up by the weekend though.  
><strong>**  
><strong>

* * *

><p>The next morning, Olivia woke up and took a shower before walking out to the living room where Elliot was watching the news. He smiled at her as she sat down beside him, pulling her legs up against her chest.<p>

"Morning." He said leaning over to kiss her cheek. "How'd you sleep?"

Olivia shrugged. "Alright. You?"

He laughed. "I've slept better…"

She stared at him for a moment. "You know we really don't have to do anything today if you don't want too…its okay."

He shook his head. "Nope. You're not getting out of it. Today is your day…what do you want to do?"

Olivia laughed. "I don't know!"

He rolled his eyes and stood up. "Well then let's go out so you can get some ideas."

"But El-" She said as he dragged her towards the door, he handed her, her coat.

"We're going out and we're not coming back until the sun is down." He said smirking as he pulled her into the hallway.

She shut the door behind her and stared at him. "What has gotten into you?"

"I just want you to have a good day." He said as they walked towards the elevator. "There has to be things you've always wanted to do but you've never done."

She shrugged. "I mean…I guess so."

Elliot smiled. "Alright then. First we need to get something to eat, so pick the place."

Olivia laughed. "This is going to sound lame…but the one thing I want to eat right now is a bagel from Bagel Haven…"

Elliot laughed as the elevator doors opened. "Well then it looks like Bagel Haven is our first stop."

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later, they were standing in line at Bagel Haven.<p>

"Alright so we're getting bagels…then what?" Elliot asked.

Olivia put her hands in her pocket, it was a cool day, winter was approaching. "Well…I've always wanted to go skating at Rockefeller Center."

"You've never been skating at Rockefeller Center and you live in New York?" Elliot asked.

Olivia shook her head and laughed. "Yup."

Elliot chuckled. "Well okay, that is something we must do. What else?"

"Um…" Olivia thought for a moment as she moved up in line. "Well…you know the old black and white movie theater by the precinct?"

Elliot nodded. "Sure. I pass it everyday.

She smiled. "Can we go see a movie there? There playing Casablanca this week and it's been forever since I've seen that."

"I have to be honest…I've never seen Casablanca." Elliot said smirking.

Olivia stared at him wide eyed. "You're lying!"

Elliot laughed. "Nope. I've never seen it…and no one's ever asked me to see it with them."

Olivia shook her head. "Well that's going to change today. You're seeing it even if you don't want too."

"It's your day." Elliot said chuckling. "I told you we could do whatever you wanted to do."

"You're telling me that you've never seen the movie that coined the phrases, 'Here's lookin at you kid?' and 'We'll always have Paris?'"

Elliot pushed her along in the line and laughed again. "No okay? I haven't!"

"That's honestly worse than never going skating at Rockefeller Center." She said glaring at him as she walked up to the counter. "Hi. Can I have a Cinnamon Raisin bagel with plain cream cheese? And a small green tea?" She turned to El. "What do you want?"

"Everything bagel, with plain cream cheese. Large black coffee." Elliot said, they paid and walked down the counter to get their orders. "Okay, bagels, go skating, Casablanca, what else?"

"Well we have to obviously hit up street vendor for lunch…" Olivia said rolling her eyes. "That's a must in New York City…"

Elliot laughed as he grabbed their drinks and bagels. "Alright."

"Oh! And I've always wanted to go watch the sunset on top of the Empire State Building." Olivia said as she took the tea. "Can we do that?"

"Sounds great." Elliot said. "We have a lot to do…why don't we take this stuff to go?"

Olivia smiled as they walked outside with their bagels and tea. "Hey El?" She asked as she slowly took a sip of her tea.

He bit into his bagel and looked over at her raising an eyebrow. "Hm?"

"I'm sorry about last night…about how I freaked out on you. I was just…I was upset and I took it out on you and I shouldn't have." She whispered.

Elliot shook his head. "Don't worry Liv…I get it. I really do. I'm scared too…" She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her. "But lets not talk about that okay? Today is about fun."

Olivia smiled. "Alright…"

They made their way towards Rockefeller Center and were sitting on a bench watching people skate as they finished their drinks.

"So have you talked your Mom since you came back?" Olivia asked smiling as a little girl passed her skating with her Father.

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. She wanted to know if I was coming back."

"What did you say?" Olivia asked curiously.

He smirked. "I didn't tell her about you being sick if that's what you mean…" Olivia smiled. "I told her I was going to stay here and figure something's out for awhile but I would keep in touch. Let her know how much I appreciate what she did for me…"

Olivia smiled. "You're her son. She loves you."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah…we've had our problems in the past but she's my Mom. I love her too."

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "I uh…I have a confession to make."

Elliot tossed his coffee cup in the trashcan next to him. "Oh yeah? What's up?"

Olivia licked her lips and took a sip of her tea. "Remember when Kathleen got in trouble? And how you needed your Mom to help her out in court?"

Elliot nodded, unsure where this was going. "Yeah sure. What about it?"

Olivia sighed. "Well…I sort of called your Mom after I found out she was bipolar. I know that you didn't want me to be involved but I saw how much you were hurting and I just…" She shrugged. "I met with her and we talked…and she agreed to come talk to Kathleen. That's why she didn't do jail time…"

"Maybe God remembered how you cute you were as a carrot…" Elliot whispered remembering what she had said to him in the courthouse that day.

Olivia smiled softly. "Yeah…she showed me some old pictures."

Elliot chuckled softly. "I should have known…"

She bit her lip nervously. "Are you mad at me? I know it wasn't really my business or my place to call her but I wanted to help Kathleen. And you…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "No. I'm not mad. I shouldn't be surprised as I am I think."

Olivia laughed. "I guess we both have the tendency to involve ourselves in things that have nothing to do with us."

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "You were right then…when you said that I needed to learn how to deal with things differently. I don't really know why I didn't ever tell you about my Mom…"

She shrugged. "We all have secrets."

"Yeah but with you its different." Elliot said shaking his head. "You have been honest with me about your past…even the parts you wish you could forget. And yet I couldn't do that for you. I'm sorry."

Olivia smiled. "It's okay El…"

"If it weren't for you things could have turned out very differently. So thank you…" He whispered honestly.

Olivia smiled at him. "Kathleen's a good kid El…she's just had some bad luck. She'll figure it out…she already is."

He smiled. "She is a good kid. Thank you…for believing in her. And never giving up on me even though I pushed you away…"

Olivia shrugged. "We've been through a lot together. I'll never give up on you that easily."

Elliot winked and leaned in to kiss her. "I'm not giving up on you either Liv…" He stood up and put his hand out to her. "You ready to skate?"

Olivia smiled and took the last sip of her eat before throwing it out, she took his hand and let him pull her up. "Let's do it."

They rented their skates and went to go lace up. Elliot got on the ice first and took a few laps with Olivia watching him from the sidelines. He skated up next to her and laughed.

"Are you coming out here or not?" Elliot asked curiously.

Olivia smiled nervously. "See there's one thing I haven't told you…"

Elliot raised his eyebrow. "You've never skated before have you?"

Olivia laughed. "That obvious?"

Elliot chuckled. "Alright…just take my hand."

She looked at him skeptically. "I don't know…"

"Oh come on. It's not that hard…and it's something you want to do today right?" He asked.

She shrugged. "Yes…"

"Then take my hand…I'm not gonna let you fall." He said, his smile was so beautiful it made her heart melt and she knew she couldn't back down now.

"You better not…" Olivia teased as she took his hand and let him pull her out onto the ice, she felt awkward and nervous. "I don't know about this…"

Elliot laughed and put his arm around her waist and used his other hand to hold her hand. "You're doing great. Come on…we'll go slow alright?"

Olivia gasped as she started to wobble slightly; Elliot just smiled at her and began to help her take her first lap. Her heart was beating in her chest as they increased the speed. Elliot guided her around the corners of the ice carefully, as she mimicked his movements.

"See…it's not so hard right?" Elliot asked holding onto her tightly.

Olivia laughed. "No not really…"

Elliot smiled and released his arm around her waist so that he was just holding her hand now. "Alright…keep going."

Olivia felt a little more confident as they took their laps until a little girl came whizzing by them and knocked into Olivia. She gasped and Elliot grabbed her hips, they tumbled towards the cold, hard ice and Elliot flipped them so that she landed on top of him so she wouldn't hit his head.

Olivia was laughing as he smiled up at her. "I let you fall…" He whispered

She smirked. "But you did in a chivalrous way…sacrificing yourself and all."

Elliot laughed and leaned up to kiss her. "Wanna try again?"

Olivia nodded and moved so she wasn't on top of him, Elliot stood up and he helped her onto her feet, she slipped a little but he kept her steady.

"You're okay…" Elliot whispered.

Olivia smiled. "Alright…I can do this."

Elliot nodded slowly. "Yeah. You can."

He held her hand again as they continued to skate along. They made two full laps together before Elliot started to pull away from her slowly.

"What are you doing?" Olivia asked looking over at him.

Elliot smiled. "Come on. You can do this on your own."

Olivia looked at him nervously. "El…"

He winked at her. "You can do it. "

He finally let go of her head completely and Olivia started to slowly skate on her own. Elliot skated to the middle of the ice and watched as she made her way around the outside rink. She started slow at first, she seemed unsure and nervous but with each new lap she found her stride.

She started to skate faster and with more confidence, he couldn't stop smiling as he watched her go. She seemed so happy and free; he knew she had so much built up tension, some of it his fault and some of it because of her illness. But right now she was taking a minute just to enjoy the day for herself and that was all that matters.

He skated up along side her as she laughed. "I'm doing it!"

Elliot laughed and took her hand again, squeezing it gently. "I knew you could."

Olivia smiled and stopped skating and pulled him towards her, he smiled as she pulled him in by his coat for a kiss. "Thank you…" She whispered.

Elliot shook his head. "I didn't do anything…you did."

Olivia smiled and pulled him along again, never wanting to stop skating.

* * *

><p>When they were to tired to skate anymore, they returned the skates and started to walk the streets again. It was just about lunchtime so Elliot spotted a food cart and smiled.<p>

"You want a hot dog?" Elliot asked. "That's about as New York food car as you can get…"

Olivia laughed. "Sound perfect."

Elliot paid for their hot dogs and sodas and they ate them as they continued to walk through the city. They finally made their way to the movie theater and Elliot bought them tickets, it was the middle of the day so it was pretty empty.

Elliot bought them popcorn and followed Olivia to her seat of choice. "So are you ready to see one of the best movies of all time?"

"I'm interested to see if it lives up to all the hype." Elliot said chuckling.

Olivia rolled her eyes. "You're such a man."

"Isn't that a good thing?" Elliot asked teasing. "Or are you playing for the other team?"

"Jackass." Olivia said as she pinched him. "And no. I definitely don't play for the other team…"

Elliot smirked. "Good to know."

The lights dimmed and the movie began, Olivia swatted playfully at him again. "Shush. It's starting!"

Elliot smiled and leaned into his seat to watch the film. He got wrapped up in the movie and couldn't deny that it was good. Every now and then he would turn to look at Olivia and noticed that she was mouthing all the words.

This really was her favorite movie.

"Liv what-" He started.

She put her hand up. "Shhh…I love this part."

Olivia said the words out loud, a smile on her face.

_"Rick: Don't you sometimes wonder if it's worth all this? I mean what you're fighting for.  
>Victor Laszlo: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we'll die. If we stop fighting our enemies, the world will die.<br>Rick: Well, what of it? It'll be out of its misery.  
>Victor Laszlo: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who's trying to convince himself of something he doesn't believe in his heart."<em>

Olivia smiled over at him. "Tell me this isn't a good movie…"

Elliot listened to the words she had quoted and smiled realizing just how deep those words went for both of them. "I can't…"

Olivia smiled and leaned back in her seat. "Told you…"

Elliot smiled at her again before turning his attention back to the film. He watched Olivia laugh and cry as the movie progressed and it started to hit him how much everything was about to change. Last night she had fallen apart when she realized how difficult the fight was going to be and now it was starting to hit him.

He knew that he couldn't let her see his fear though, he couldn't let her see the pain he was experiencing. He had to be strong, not just for her but for the both of them. She needed his support more than ever and he had run from her before but he wasn't about to do it again. Not this time…

When the film was over, they walked out of the theater and out onto the street.

Olivia turned to him and smirked. "So…I took your Casablanca virginity. What did you think? Was it worth all the hype?"

Elliot laughed. "I can't deny that it was a good movie."

Olivia smiled. "See? You can't deny it is a classic. They just don't make films like that anymore…"

Elliot shook his head. "No. They don't."

She stared at him for a second before taking his hand and squeezing it gently. "Hey…you okay?"

Elliot smiled at her and nodded. "Yeah. I'm just thinking about that one part…the one you quoted."

She laughed. "I think I quoted the whole movie. You'll have to be a little more specific."

Elliot laughed again. "The one where Rick asked Victor why they continued to fight their enemies…"

Olivia smiled knowingly. "Ah yes that part…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment. "I stopped working at SVU because I felt like it wasn't making any difference…but there are still perps and victims out there."

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah. There are. And sadly…I don't think they are going anywhere. But we do what we do because we want to help people…because we care. And because we know the difference between what is right and wrong."

Elliot nodded. "I know. And I know in my heart…that I still love it. I still love helping people. Running away didn't help anything…"

Olivia licked her lips and smiled. "No…it didn't."

"It's always going to be a part of who I am." Elliot said laughing. "I can't ignore it…SVU is where I belong."

"So what does that mean?" Olivia asked. "Do you want to go back?"

Elliot sighed. "Not right away…I think I need to work on myself for a while. But yes…I'd like to go back eventually. I think I'll regret it if I don't at least try…"

She stared at him for a moment. "El…I don't want you to feel pressured. You know I'll support whatever decision you make."

"I know you will. And I appreciate that, I really do. But I don't know who I'm trying to kid…I miss it." He said honestly.

She smiled. "I know you do. What happened that day…it would upset anyone. But you need to know it wasn't your fault."

Elliot shrugged. "I still feel responsible for it in someway. It's something I'm going to have to talk to a counselor about."

Olivia smiled and leaned up to wrap her arms around his shoulders. "I'm so proud of you Elliot."

Elliot held her tightly to him. "You think this will be a good thing?"

Olivia pulled back and smiled at him. "I think you'll never know if you don't try."

Elliot nodded. "Was this all part of your master plan? Bring me to this movie to make me see where I belonged?"

Olivia laughed. "I honestly didn't see this happening…it's a romantic movie not really a work related film. So no…this was not part of my plan."

Elliot smiled. "Fine. Well…"Here's lookin at you kid…"

He leaned in and kissed her gently before pulling back. Olivia winked at him and took his hand dragged him down the sidewalk with her as they made their way to the empire state building.

They took the elevator to the top floor and walked hand in hand outside. The sky was pink and purple as the sun began to sink lower in the sky. Elliot saw the smile growing on Olivia's face as he wrapped his arm around her, rubbing her shoulder gently.

"How are you doing?" He asked.

Olivia smiled at him. "Today has been amazing Elliot…thank you."

He shrugged. "Don't thank me. I've had fun too."

She nodded and looked back at the sky. "But to answer your question…I'm just trying to not think about it yet. The day is almost over which means that tomorrow is that much closer and I'm not sure I'm ready for it."

Elliot sighed and squeezed her shoulder. "I know."

"You know it's strange…when she told me I had cancer I remember thinking its over. I had that whole…your life flashes before your eyes thing happen and it scared the crap out of me. And I'm still scared…but right now…" She turned to look at him. "Right now I feel…I feel happy."

Elliot cupped her face in his hands and stroked her cheek with his thumb. "This whole thing…it doesn't make sense and it isn't fair. It won't be easy…but I'm going to do my best to make you happy through all of this. Okay?"

Olivia let a tear escape her cheek as she leaned in to kiss him again. "Okay…"

Elliot smiled and moved to stand beside her; he wrapped his arms around her as she put her hands on the railing. The sun began to sink lower over the horizon and Olivia sighed happily against him.

"This is nice…" Elliot whispered in her ear.

Olivia nodded. "Very nice."

"So are you going to be stubborn or will you let me take you tomorrow?" Elliot asked unable to hide the smirk on his face.

She sighed. "I'd rather go alone…"

"Of course you would." He said laughing. "But will you let me take you? At least for the first time?"

Olivia was quiet for a moment really thinking about it. "If it means that much to you."

"It does." Elliot said. "I want to be there for you…please let me support you."

Olivia nuzzled him. "Well then I guess its okay if you there…"

Elliot laughed. "Gee thanks."

"Hey El…just so you know." She paused for a moment trying to find the right words. "I know I can be stubborn and it may seem like I do appreciate what you are doing for me…all you are sacrificing but I do appreciate it. More than you could know…" She whispered softly.

Elliot kissed the side of her face and breathed her in. "You said you'd never give up on me. And I won't ever give up on you Liv…no matter what happens. I promise."

Olivia smiled and leaned further into him as the sun finally sunk into the city skyline. The slight chill of the night made her shiver as he wrapped his arms around her tighter. Neither of them wanted the night to end but they knew they had to face reality at some point…

* * *

><p>After a quick dinner, Olivia and Elliot hailed a cab back to her apartment. They took the elevator upstairs and Olivia unlocked the door. Elliot took his coat off and collapsed on the couch, resting his head against the back of it.<p>

Olivia sighed and checked her messages, they were a couple from Casey, Fin and Munch all wishing her well tomorrow. She smiled and hung up her coat and put away her keys before slipping off her shoes and walking over to the couch.

She sat down beside him and snuggled into his side. "Tired?"

Elliot smiled against the top of her head. "A little. We did a lot today."

She put her hand on his stomach and leaned further into him. "It really was the perfect day. Thank you."

Elliot wrapped his arm around her and rubbed her arm up and down gently. "It's not over yet you know…"

Olivia licked her lips nervously and closed her eyes. "No…I guess its not."

He knew she was nervous and he didn't want to pressure her. However, he also could not deny the fact that he wanted to make love to her. He had been waiting for thirteen years after all…

He kissed the top of her head. "Liv…what are you thinking?"

Olivia sighed and pulled back to look over at him, she smiled softly. "I'm thinking…you've been waiting for thirteen years to be with this man and now it could happen. What if he is disappointed?"

He rolled his eyes. "That would be impossible. You could never disappoint me."

Olivia shrugged. "You asked what I'm thinking and I'm telling you…" She paused for a moment. "And I guess I'm also thinking…if you don't do this now…will you be able to do it again?"

Elliot sighed and leaned in to cup her face. "You're afraid of how your body is going to change…"

Olivia nodded. "Yes. There are so many things that could happen."

"That's true. But I will always think you are beautiful Olivia…no matter what happens." He whispered honestly.

She rolled her eyes. "You have to say that. But that doesn't mean your mind won't change if…" She looked down at her chest. "God I feel so stupid…I don't even know if it will happen but what if it does? What if they have too-"

"Liv…" Elliot said cutting her off. "Stop jumping to conclusions. You have to take one day at a time…it's the only way to get through this." He shrugged. "Besides, if the tables were turned would you still love me if they had to chop my balls off?" Elliot asked teasing.

Olivia laughed. "Of course…"

Elliot nodded. "See…I love you for more than how you look Liv. I mean don't get me wrong…I think you are drop dead gorgeous. You are sexy as hell…but there is so much more to you."

She stared at him for moment before she leaned in to caress his face. "I'm really glad I have you in my life Elliot…"

He smiled at her. "Well I'm really glad to have you in my life too." He shook his head. "We don't have to do this if you don't want too…I don't want you to feel pressured. I want this to be special…but if you are unsure-"

She shook her head. "No. I'm not unsure…I know I love you. And I know I want to be with you. I don't want to wait…"

Elliot felt his heart pounding in his chest. "You're sure?"

She smiled and leaned in to kiss him gently. "I'm sure…"

Elliot stood up slowly and smiled down at her, the moon was shining through the window and reflected on her face. She looked nervous and scared; he knew how much she had on her mind. But he also knew that things were about to change drastically for the both of them. He wanted to give her one last night of happiness before it all started.

He reached his hand out for her and she took it, he pulled her up to him slowly. They walked hand in hand to her bedroom and Elliot smiled and shut the door.

Olivia walked to the side of her bed nervously; he thought he saw her hands shaking. He smiled and walked over to the side of her bed and lit the candle on the bedside table.

Olivia raised an eyebrow, he smirked. "A little ambiance…"

He walked around to the other side of the bed where she was and smiled. He took her hand in his, he heard her inhale sharply but he just smiled at her. He kissed her gently before pulling back, he stepped back slowly and moved to pull his shirt off.

It was now or never…

_TBC_

* * *

><p><strong>I know I'm evil! But I got a lot of messages saying people wanted the sex to be a full chapter so I will give you what you want! That means of course that I'll he changing the rating to M for the next chapter so remember to look for it there. As I said it should be up by this weekend. <strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey guys! I'm so sorry that it has been so long since I last updated this story. I had finals and the end of the semester and then I started my Christmas story "The Magic of Christmas" and I wanted to finish that before the holiday ended. But I'm back! And I'll be updating this story much more quickly like I was at first. I hope you enjoy :) This chapter is obviously rated M but it will go back to T afterwards. Let me know what you think! **

* * *

><p><em>He reached his hand out for her and she took it, he pulled her up to him slowly. They walked hand in hand to her bedroom and Elliot smiled and shut the door.<em>

_Olivia walked to the side of her bed nervously; he thought he saw her hands shaking. He smiled and walked over to the side of her bed and lit the candle on the bedside table._

_Olivia raised an eyebrow, he smirked. "A little ambiance…"_

_He walked around to the other side of the bed where she was and smiled. He took her hand in his, he heard her inhale sharply but he just smiled at her. He kissed her gently before pulling back, he stepped back slowly and moved to pull his shirt off._

_It was now or never…_

Elliot threw his shirt aside and turned back to her, she was definitely shaking now. Taking a step towards her he smirked as her eyes roamed his bare chest. It wasn't the first time she had seen him without a shirt…but it was different.

Elliot reached up and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Do you remember when I went undercover with Bushido and you came to find me?"

Olivia swallowed hard and nodded slowly. "You almost died because of me."

Elliot shook his head. "No you saved me Liv. If you hadn't thought up that plan…he would have killed me on the spot."

Olivia chuckled. "What you mean pretending to me a prostitute?"

Elliot smiled. "Yeah that…if Bushido had left I would have taken you right there."

She raised and eyebrow and smirked at him. "Oh yeah?"

Elliot nodded his head and moved his hand from her face down her side and underneath her shirt, he heard her breath hitch at the contact. "Mhm…I almost forgot what we were doing when you walked out of the bathroom. That black lacey bra you had on…it drove me crazy."

Olivia licked her lips as he began to trace circles on her lower back and she slowly lifted her arms to hold onto his shoulders. She was feeling weak as she felt the warmth from his naked chest and his hands on her bareback. He leaned in and began to kiss her neck gently, nipping slightly at her ear lobe making her shiver.

"Elliot…" She whimpered softly.

"You don't know how beautiful you are…" He whispered into her ear as he pulled away slowly and cupped her face in his hands.

She shook her head. "I don't feel very beautiful…"

He knew she had never had a lot of self-esteem, she didn't see herself the way the rest of the world did. Because of who her father was and what he did, she in some ways saw her self as unworthy of everything especially love. She had never been able to stay in a relationship because she was insecure. And now…now that she had breast cancer he knew that she was feeling mermen insecure than ever.

Without saying anything, he reached down to the hem of her shirt and began to pull it up slowly. He looked up at her eyes giving her time to change her mind if she wanted too but she just stared at him longingly. She took this is as a sign to keep going so he pulled slowly at her shirt until he pulled it over her head.

She was standing there in just her bra and jeans; she looked as stunning as she did that night she had saved his life. But things were very different now; they were two very different people. He had to show her that he wanted her just as much now as he did then.

Very carefully, he reached behind her as he leaned in for a gentle kiss while his hands found the clasp of her bra. She held onto his strong arms again needing support as he undid her bra and let the straps slide down her arms. She pulled back slowly, his face was just inches from her face as she threw aside the lacey bra.

She licked her lips and pulled back to look in him in the eye, but his eyes were roaming her body longingly. She felt very exposed and unsure of herself, which felt silly. This wasn't the first time she had been intimate with a man, but this wasn't just any man it was Elliot.

Ever since her surgery she had made it a point to not look to hard at herself in the mirror. She wasn't entirely sure what the scar on her chest looked like now, last time she looked it was still slightly red and swollen even though it was a small incision. She was afraid it would make Elliot want to turn away completely and change his mind about how he felt about her.

He knew what she was thinking and he wanted to show her that it didn't matter to him. He put one hand on her back and then the other went to cup her breast gently, on the side was the small red scar.

"Does it hurt?" Elliot asked softly, his thumb was just centimeters away from it not wanting to touch it incase she wasn't ready.

Olivia let out a shaky breath. "It's not too bad…just a bit sore really. I'm alright though…"

His eyes flickered up to her again. "I know you think it makes you ugly but it doesn't…"

She smirked at him. "You have to say that…"

Elliot shook his head. "No. I don't have to say that. I'm saying it because I mean it. You are so breathtakingly beautiful Olivia…you always have been and nothing could change that."

She licked her lips. "Even if…even if I have to get a mastectomy?" She asked tears welling up in her eyes.

"Why do you keep going to the absolute worst?" Elliot asked. "You don't know what's going to happen…"

She laughed sadly. "Because it's a possibility and you didn't answer the question."

Elliot sighed and led her over to the bed sitting her down beside him. "I wouldn't care."

"But how could you be attracted to me?" She asked looking nervously for her shirt wanting to cover herself up again but Elliot stopped her.

He grabbed her hands and leaned in to kiss her again quickly making her forget all about her fears. She moaned into his mouth as he traced her bottom lip with his tongue. His hand found her hip and held it gently as he began to slowly lean her back on the bed. Her hair fanned out behind her head encircling her like a halo, the moon shone through the window glowing on her face and his heart melted for a moment as he stared down at her.

"I will always be attracted to you. I will always want you…I will always think you are beautiful because you are beautiful." He said as he lowered his head to her chest making her inhale deeply as his lips hovered just above the scar. "You have always been and always will be beautiful…" He kissed it gently making her whimper as he looked up at her again. "So beautiful…"

He lifted himself so they were face to face again and she cupped his strong jaw with her hands as a few stray tears escaped the corner of her eyes. "Don't ever leave me again…" She whispered.

It was really the first time that she had allowed herself to be so vulnerable in front of him, the rawness of her voice cut through him like a thousand sharp knives. He leaned down and pressed his lips to the side of her face to soak up her tears.

"I won't ever leave you again." He whispered into her ear as he reached down between them and began to unbutton her jeans slowly. "I promise you that…"

He sat up and knelt before her never taking his eyes off of her as he unzipped her pants and began to pull them down her toned legs. She had dreamt of this moment for so long and yet being here with him now was unlike anything she had ever imagined. The way he touched her so gently and passionately made her heartache and body ache for him.

He threw her jeans over the side of the bed and onto the floor and smiled down at her. His hands began to caress her legs starting at her calves and working their way up to her thighs. She inhaled sharply as his fingers lopped the sides of her panties and began to pull them down too.

He smiled as she lifted her hips to assist him so he could get them over her rear. He threw them onto the floor with her jeans before licking his lips and taking in her full and naked body for the first time.

"So beautiful…and so sexy…" He said running his hands up her thighs again feeling the smooth olive skin he had been fantasizing about for years.

She blushed under his intense gaze as he leaned down to kiss the inside of her thighs. He hadn't shaved in a few days and his stubble began to tickle her delicate skin making her jump and giggle.

He smirked against her skin as he licked and nipped at it gently moving closer to her center. "You don't know how long I've wanted to touch you like this…"

She sighed happily and arched her back finally beginning to forget all about her insecurities. "Probably about as long as I've wanted you to touch me like this…"

Elliot chuckled and finally let his tongue settle into where he wanted to be. He breathed her in and licked her center slowly at first to tease her and also to get the full state of her. She moaned and gripped the sheets around her, it had been a long time since she had been intimate with a man and she didn't remember it ever feeling this good.

"Oh God…" She whimpered gently as his hands found her hips, pulling her body closer to him so he could pleasure her better.

"You taste amazing…" Elliot said as his tongue encircled her swollen clit making her push against him wanting more.

She shut her eyes tightly as he continued to make love to her with his mouth as she whispered his name. "Elliot…"

He could feel the tension building within her and he knew it wouldn't take much more to bring her over the edge. Part of him wanted to stop to make her wait for it, and yet he couldn't. He thought he could bring her to this point multiple times tonight; he wanted her to feel just how much he desired her. He wanted her to be sure that she was the sexiest most beautiful human being he had ever laid eyes on not just tonight but always.

He slowly flicked his tongue against her clit again teasing her with every stroke. His eyes looked up at her wanting to watch her fall over the edge from his touch for the first time. A few more flicks of his tongue and her whole body arched up and she moaned out his name as her chest rose and fell trying to catch her breath.

He smiled and kissed the inside of her thigh again before crawling up to face her again. "Hey there…"

She exhaled gently and cupped his face with her hands and pulled it down so she could kiss him. "Hi…"

He nuzzled her nose gently and kissed her cheeks. "Do you believe me now?"

She sighed happily as he began to kiss her neck. "Hm…I'm starting to believe it but I have a feeling you have more ways to convince me."

Elliot laughed and moved to look her in the eye again. "Mmm…" He kissed her passionately again before pulling away to answer her. "I can think of a few ways that might work…"

Olivia smiled against his lips and wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him back in for another kiss. She wrapped one hand around the base of his neck and massaged it gently as her other hand scratched gently down his strong back. He let himself settle in between her legs as he held her left thigh against the side of his body and continued to kiss her with immense passion.

He reached down between them to where their bodies met and slowly began to guide him inside of her. They both pulled away from the kiss as he filled her completely for the first time. Their eyes met and another tear escaped the corner of her eye and this time he knew it wasn't out of fear or pain.

She traced the side of his face with her fingers gently and whispered up at him. "I love you…"

He began to move inside of her slowly as he leaned down to capture her lips with his again. "I love you too…" He mumbled against her swollen red lips as they began to make love.

He let her guide the pace not wanting to push her to fast, he knew her body was still sore from the surgery and he wanted this to be as pleasurable as possible for her. He began to be able to ready her body like he had been able to read her mind after working with her for so long. Whenever she shivered her moaned he knew she wanted more and when she gripped him tightly he slowed down just so to let her adjust to him.

She gasped as he went deeper still inside of her and she laughed out never having felt so full in her life. She wanted more, needed more of him to know that this moment was real and that she was going to be okay. He somehow understood what she wanted as he wrapped her legs around his waist and pushed harder and deeper into her.

"Oh Elliot!" She yelled out as his lips found her neck and he kissed her there gently finding the spot that drove her crazy just behind her ear. "Don't stop…" She begged slightly out of breath.

"Never…" He whispered in her ear as he continued to push in and out of her.

He could feel her walls tightening around him and he smiled and pressed his lips against hers. Their tongues began to duel together as he continued to move inside of her. She gripped his back tightly, he could feel her nails threatening to dig into his skin but he didn't care.

She moaned into his mouth as the pleasure bubbled over and she finally gave in letting herself go. He groaned when he felt her walls contract around him but he wasn't ready to let go with her. She knew he had more to give and as the waves of pleasure ran through her body she gripped his hips and flipped him over.

Being in such an intimate and sensual moment be forgot just how strong she actually was. He laughed up at her as she took control and straddled his waist and leaned down to capture his lips with hers again.

He gripped her hips and moaned softly as she reached between them and held him in her hand stroking him slowly. "Olivia…" He groaned against her lips. "Jesus…"

Olivia laughed and began to nip and kiss his strong jaw that she had long since found to be incredibly sexy. "I can't let you have all the fun…" She groaned against his stubbly chin.

He hissed softly as she continued to tease him with her delicate hands. "Olivia…what are you doing to me?"

She smiled and turned her attention back to his lips. "Making love to you…"

He moaned out loud and gripped her hips as she sunk down upon him again letting him feel all of her. "Well in that case…" He said pulling her down to kiss her lips again. "Never stop…" He said mimicking her own words from earlier.

She smiled and began to move against him. "I wouldn't dream of it…"

He tangled his hands in her hair as she continued to move on top of him. She sat up straight and let him stare up at her, finally not feeling insecure about her appearance. Never had a man made her feel so incredibly sexy and alive and she knew in this moment they were finally one. It didn't matter that he had left her before and it didn't matter that she was sick. Here in this moment they were just Olivia and Elliot and they were finally giving in to their feelings after thirteen years.

His hips rose up off the bed to meet her motions making the pleasure that much more intense for them both. He couldn't have enough of her, the feel of her smooth skin and her lips as they moved across his face, chest and arms burning a fire within him. The way the moon was pouring through the window reflected so beautifully off of her skin it was almost hard to believe she was real.

The way he was staring up at her made her feel the need to kiss him again so she leaned back down to do just that. He smiled against her and gripped her hips tighter helping her move against him finally beginning to feel his own release building. He wanted to make sure she was with him so he could get her off one more time.

She moaned his name in his ear urging him on as he continued to push up into her. "Olivia…" He breathed softly as she gripped the headboard tightly for support feeling weak with the way he made her feel.

"So good…" She mumbled against his jaw as Elliot held her with one hand on her hip and one on her lower back. "Elliot…so close…"

"I'm right with you this time Liv…" He said taking his hand off of her back and tangling it in her hair again. "Let go with me…"

She leaned up again so she could look him in the eye as they climaxed together. The way he stared deeply into her eyes made her melt as she once again began to feel the waves of pleasure rack through her body. And this time he groaned out her name and spilled up inside of her…

She whimpered softly and rolled off of him and onto her back beside him on the bed. She felt exhausted and yet incredibly fulfilled as he rolled over onto his side and pulled her up against him again.

"Where do you think you're going?" He asked as he kissed her neck gently.

She laughed and rubbed his strong arms with her hands. "I'm trying to catch my breath…"

Elliot chuckled and grumbled. "Breathing is overrated…"

She laughed more as he rolled over on top of her and caressed her cheek gently. "So you might think…but when we stop breathing we die so…"

He laughed and rolled over onto his back on her other side to let her relax. "Oh fine…"

She sighed happily and snuggled into his side, kissing his chest gently. "That was…amazing Elliot."

He kissed the top of her head and smiled. "That it was…"

"I was scared…" She whispered. "Scared that I wouldn't feel up to it…that it wouldn't be the same but it was…" She laughed and kissed his chest again. "Better than anything I've ever felt."

"That's what I was going for." He said as he began to caress her sweaty back.

She lifted herself up slowly and held her body up by her elbow to stare down at her; she held his cheek with her hand gently. "Thank you for making me feel alive again…" She whispered as she leaned down to kiss him softly.

He stared up at her for a moment taking in the look on her face. Since she had told him about her cancer, the color that once had filled her face seemed to have diminished slightly. But here in his arms as they lay together basking in the aftermath of their lovemaking she was beginning to look like the old Olivia again.

He knew that this moment had brought not only her back to life but him as well. Ever since he had left the precinct and her, part of him had died with his old life. She was his reason for getting up each morning and when he finally wasn't around her it was much harder to do anything. Ever since she had been back in his life he had begun to feel better, like he could figure things out even despite the fact that she was sick.

But now after this moment, after they had made love together all the pieces were being put back together finally. "You're not the only one that feels alive again Liv…"

She licked her lips and stared out the window at the dark city skyline as he continued to massage the back of her neck gently. "It's weird…"

He moved his head slightly and then began to run his hands through her hair before replying. "What is?"

She turned from the window to look back down at him. "I'm suddenly not so scared for tomorrow anymore…"

He stopped what he was doing and stared deep into her eyes again. "Why not?"  
>She smiled as she reached down to hold his face with her hand. "Because…I know I have you."<p>

He let her words sink in for a moment before leaning up to kiss her. "You do have me Liv…"

She smirked and said. "And now I've had all of you…"

He laughed and went back to massaging the back of her neck. "I suppose you have…"

She smiled and leaned down to kiss him some more, it was like she couldn't get enough of him now. Thirteen years of pent up sexual tension and desire and now it had all spilled over. Nothing had ever felt so right…

"I meant what I said you know…" He whispered as she continued to prep his face and neck with kisses.

She pulled back only for a moment to be able to look at him. "About what?"

She went back to kissing him all along the side of his face and stubbly cheek. "About how I will always think you are beautiful…no matter what happens."

She kissed his cheek one last time before pulling back to look at him again. "You will?"

Elliot nodded and sat up; she stared up at him for a moment before sitting up to be at his eye level. She pulled the blankets up around her waist and over her chest suddenly feeling cold since she wasn't up against his skin.

He licked his lips and caressed her face gently. "Since the moment I met you thirteen years I've thought you were the most beautiful woman in the world…and no woman has ever been able to compare or match your beauty Olivia. No one ever will…"

She leaned into his hand and closed her eyes. "People fall out of love all the time…"

He shook his head. "That may be true but not when they have a love like ours…"

Her eyes fluttered open again as she stared at him. "What do you mean?"

He smiled. "Think of all we've been through Olivia. Thirteen years we've known each other…thirteen years we've fought together and against each other but in the end we've always found our way back to one another. Haven't we?"

She nodded slowly feeling her heart begin to pound in her chest again as his words and touch warmed her body once more. "Yes…"

He leaned forward and kissed her forehead gently. "I don't know what is going to happen after tomorrow or the days that follow...but I know it will be okay. I'm not scared of the future anymore."

She swallowed hard and breathed him in. "What about you? What will you do?"

He smiled. "I'm going to take care of you…just like you've always taken care of me."

She leaned forward and kissed him, never closing her eyes as she pulled away. "But…I meant what about your life? You can't just stop everything for me…"

He lay back on the bed again and put his arm behind his head as he stared up at her. "I know now that I can't rush back into anything. I need to take one day at a time so I don't make anymore mistakes."

She began to trace hearts and stars on his stomach and chest as she listened to him. "That sounds so very grown up of you…"

Elliot laughed. "I figured it's about time I start acting my age."

She smiled before leaning down to lay her arms across his chest and rest her chin on her arm. "You need to forgive yourself Elliot…everyone else has."

He pushed her hair out of her face again. "I will…eventually. Once I settle back into life here in the city…with you and the kids I'll be able to forgive myself I think."

She stared at him for a moment. "In a strange way…as angry and hurt as I was at you for leaving I was proud of you too."

He stared at her curiously. "What do you mean?"

"For so long…whenever something was bothering you, you would let it build up and fight. You would attack a perp…say something you regretted or hurt yourself. But this time…you stepped away form it all to take care of yourself. You knew you couldn't handle it anymore…you knew you needed a break and I admire that." She said honestly.

Elliot stared at her, surprised by her confession. "I still should have told you where I was going…I should have told you how I was feeling. I was being selfish."

Olivia sighed. "We all have the right to be selfish from time to time…"

"You always amaze me…how you are able to be so compassionate." Elliot said softly. "It's one of the things that made me fall in love with you…I was not used to it. I didn't understand it and I admired that quality. I wanted to be able to be like you…"

"But you are…" Olivia whispered to him. "You just don't see it."

He shook his head. "I am not a compassionate person." Elliot said sternly. "No way…"

She rolled his eyes. "You're not? Then how exactly do you think you were able to take care of the victims for so many years? How have you been able to be an absolutely loving father? You do have compassion Elliot…more than you or even I realize."

He sighed and stared at her for a moment. "You give me to much credit Benson…"

She smiled and sat up again to lean over him. "And you don't give yourself enough credit Stabler…"

Elliot tangled his hands in her hair again, pulled her closer and started to kiss her neck. "I guess we'll have to agree to disagree…"

"Isn't that what we do with pretty much everything?" Olivia asked as her eyes closed giving into his touch once more.

Elliot chuckled against her skin. "I suppose so…"

Olivia sat up as she straddled his hips and looked over at the clock, letting the sheet fall from her body. "It's not to late yet…I have time before I need to get some rest before tomorrow."

He smirked up at her. "And what exactly are you suggesting we do with this extra time?"

Olivia just smiled and leaned down to kiss him as he laughed against her lips and flipped them over so he was once again on top. She gasped at his actions but only smiled up at him as he leaned down to kiss her once more. The feel of his lips and his skin against hers was something she would never have enough of.

"I suggest we make the most of the time we have together…" She whispered softly.

Elliot stared down at her for a moment and smiled. "I couldn't agree more…"

Once again their bodies met casting aside all fears and doubts about tomorrow and the rest of the days to come. There was no guarantee that it would all turn out the way they wanted it too but for now they were content to know they had each other…

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><p><strong>Well I hope you enjoyed the new chapter :) And I hope that you all had a wonderful holiday! Let me know what you thought by writing a review! Thanks! <strong>


	12. Chapter 12

**Hey guys :) I hope you liked the last chapter. Just as a reminder Chapter 11 was rated M in case you haven't read it yet. I'm changing the rating for the story back to T because the rest of the chapters I don't think will be M. I hope you like the new chapter :)**

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><p>The next morning, Olivia was fast asleep when Elliot woke up. His eyes fluttered open as the sun began to shine through the window. He sat up slowly and yawned, looking over at the clock he saw that they had to wake up in a few minutes to get ready for Olivia's appointment. He looked over at her and smiled, she was lying on her back with one arm up over her head. Her soft brown hair was fanned out around her head and a few strands fell over her face and covered her eyes. Her chest was rising up and down with her breath and she looked so very peaceful…<p>

He sighed realizing that he was going to have to wake her up soon. Everything was about to change and not for the better. He wished that he could turn back time or change what she was going through but she knew that he couldn't. He sighed softly and leaned down to kiss her forehead gently to wake her up…

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and she smiled at him. "Hiya…"

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips this time. "Hey beautiful."

He sat back up against the headboard and she stretched her arms over her head. "Mmmm…is it time to wake up already?"

Elliot sighed. "Sadly so…"

She licked her lips and rolled over onto her side to wrap her arm around his waist as she rested her head on his abdomen. "No…"

He smiled and ran his hands through her hair. "I know…"

She snuggled into him, kissing his waist ever so gently. "I don't want to go…"

He started to massage her scalp. "I know…"

Olivia pulled the sheet up over herself as she sat up before turning back to him. "I know last night I said I wasn't scared…but I think that wasn't a lasting feeling."

Elliot smiled and cupped her face. "It's gonna be okay."

She leaned forward and kissed him again. "Hey El?"

He nuzzled her nose before kissing her softly again. "Yeah?"

"Before we go…" She said reaching over to rub the back of his neck. "Can we make love again?" She asked softly.

He smiled against her cheek and pulled back. "Yes…"

Olivia smiled and crawled onto his lap letting the sheet fall down, exposing her naked chest. "Good. Cuz I think it might make me feel less afraid…"

Elliot cupped her face and began to lean her back on the bed as she giggled and wrapped her legs around his waist. Even if everything was going to change…they still had a few moments to live the life they wanted. And he would do everything he could to make her feel as normal and happy as possible…

* * *

><p>They were sitting in the waiting room of the hospital together hand in hand. Olivia was nervously tapping her foot on the floor and hadn't said anything since they got there. Elliot took his hand out of hers and put it on her leg to stop her nervous shaking.<p>

"Calm down Liv…" He whispered.

She rested her head against his shoulder. "Can we go back to my apartment and just stay in bed forever?"

He kissed the top of her head. "I wish…"

She sighed and lifted her head. "Okay fine…"

He opened his mouth to say something but Dr. Cooper interrupted him when's he walked over to them. "Good morning Olivia…oh hi Elliot. It's good to see you again."

Elliot stood up with Olivia and smiled reaching out to shake her hand. "It's good to see you too Amy. I wish it were under different circumstances…"

Amy smiled. "I wish it was too but I have a good feeling about Olivia's treatments. She's a strong woman." She turned to Olivia and smiled. "How are you feeling today?"

Olivia swallowed hard and looked over at Elliot before turning back to Amy. "I'm alright…a little nervous."

Amy nodded slowly. "I understand. Do you have any last minute questions before we start?"

Olivia shook her head slowly. "No. No I think I'm alright. I'd really rather just get it over with…"

Amy chuckled. "Well then let's get going…" She said putting her arm out to point her in the right direction.

Olivia turned to Elliot and he just smiled at her, leaning in to kiss her gently. "See you in a little while okay?"

She smiled weakly and kissed him back. "Okay."

Elliot watched her walk away before falling back in his chair. He sighed and rested his head against the back of it wishing that she didn't have to go through with this. He was just about to close his eyes when someone started to talk to him.

"Did we miss Olivia?" Maureen asked her father.

He sat up slowly and stared at his two oldest daughters in surprise. "Maureen? Kathleen? What are you doing here?"

Kathleen sat down beside Elliot where Olivia had been sitting earlier. "We ran into Fin yesterday, he said Olivia started her treatments today." She said holding out a cup of coffee for him. "We thought we'd come keep you company while she was getting her treatments done and show our support."

Elliot smiled and took the cup as Maureen sat on the other side of him. "Thank you…"

Maureen smiled. "How was Olivia before she went in?"

Elliot took a sip of his drink and shrugged. "She's strong…but she was nervous."

Kathleen nodded sadly. "I bet…"

Elliot sighed and leaned back in the chair some more. "You know…I'm sorry I haven't been around more sine I've been back. I have a lot to make up for…"

Kathleen sighed and put an arm around him lovingly. "Dad…you're under a lot of stress right now. We understand. The fact that you're back at all is a huge improvement isn't it?"

Elliot swallowed hard feeling really guilty for leaving at all. "I suppose. But you're still my kids and I'm trying to figure out how to balance both things right now…"

"You don't have to balance us." Maureen said. "We get it…Olivia needs you right now. She shouldn't be alone during a time like this…"

Elliot stared at his oldest daughter for a minute before bowing his head. "You know…I tried to pray last night but it didn't feel right."

Always having known her father to be a very religious man, Kathleen found it hard to imagine him not being able to pray. "What do you mean?"

He put his cup on the floor between his feet and rubbed the back of his neck before shrugging. "I just…I feel really angry and it felt like praying wouldn't do any good."

"You mean you're angry that something like this could happen to Olivia?" Maureen whispered sadly.

Elliot nodded slowly feeling fear creep into his heart about what might happen to Olivia. "She's already been through enough crap in her life…she doesn't need this."

Kathleen rubbed her fathers back gently. "Dad you know better than anyone that sometimes life isn't fair. I mean…look at the things you see everyday. All those victims…they don't deserve the things that happen to them but they still happen. It's life…you shouldn't let that deter your faith in God."

He looked over at Kathleen and let her words sink in for a moment. "No…but it makes me angry at him for doing this to her. It makes me wonder why it couldn't be me and not her?"

Kathleen grimaced at the thought of her father having cancer. "Dad. Don't…don't say things like that."

"It's just how I feel." Elliot said shaking his head slowly. "I just wish that I could take the pain away for her…I wish I could be in her place."

Maureen sighed. "But Dad…" She whispered as he turned towards her now. "That would make Olivia miserable too…she loves you doesn't she?"

Elliot nodded slowly. "Well yeah…"

"Then she wouldn't want you to be sick." Maureen said shaking her head. "In an ideal word neither of you would be sick…no one would be sick. But this is life…this is what happens. It's how we deal with it that defines us…"

Elliot smirked and looked between both of his girls. "When did you two get so smart?"

Kathleen laughed and patted her Dad on the back lightly. "Well we've had a great teacher…"

Elliot sighed and picked up his coffee cup again. "I know that it wouldn't really help if I was sick…I just hate to see her like this. She looks so vulnerable and scared and yet at the same time she acts so stubborn because she doesn't want to look weak."

"Well she has the right to be scared." Maureen said leaning back in her own seat. "I mean…this isn't an easy thing to have to deal with. But…she has to know that she has people who care about her and who are going to be beside her every step of the way. She needs to learn how to rely on them…you especially. It's the only way she can get through this."

Kathleen nodded agreeing with her sister. "Yeah. And you need to show her you are there for her but also try and keep things as normal as possible ya know? When you aren't here at the hospital for treatments or when she isn't' feeling sick…act like nothing has changed. She won't want to dwell on what's going on…"

Elliot nodded. "That's true. But what if she feels sick all the time? What if she doesn't want to do other things? How do I act normal when everything else is so fucking screwed up?"

Kathleen looked at Maureen, unsure of what to say so Maureen just put a hand on her fathers knee. "I don't know…"

Elliot sighed and put a hand over hers. "Thank you for being here…"

Kathleen rubbed her Dad's back soothingly and Maureen squeezed his hand. He looked down the hallway where Olivia had gone with the Doctor and wondered how she was doing…

* * *

><p>In the procedure room; Olivia was lying back on the table watching Dr. Cooper get the radiation machine ready. She could tell that Olivia was nervous and she tried to smile encouragingly at her.<p>

"So…I noticed the kiss between you and Elliot. Are you two together now?" She asked trying to keep Olivia calm.

Olivia smiled softly. "Uh…well yeah. We're together now."

Dr. Cooper smirked. "I could tell that first day you brought him into the office that there was something between the two of you. There's a definite connection there…"

Olivia licked her lips and tried to ignore the machine. "We've worked together for a very long time. He's my best friend…"

"Well I think it's great that you are together and it must be very helpful having someone to support you through this." She said.

Olivia smiled and felt her heart skip a beat thinking about Elliot and how much she loved him. "It is…he's been amazing through all of this."

Amy squeezed her shoulder and smiled down at her. "I'm going to go into the other room for this. Just try and relax…close your eyes and just think of something else alright? It will make it go by faster and you need to stay as still as you can."

Olivia nodded and waited until Dr. Cooper was out of the room before she closed her eyes. She took a deep breath as she was moved into the tube and tried to think of something else…anything else. Soon her mind started to drift to one night after a hard case she spent with Elliot. 

* * *

><p><em>After a week of sleepless nights trying to solve their latest case, Elliot drove Olivia home. He pulled up in front of her apartment building, put the car in park and looked over at her. She hadn't said a word since they had left the precinct; he knew that this particular case was very hard on her. It was a woman who had become pregnant after she had been raped and in the end she had decided to have an abortion…<em>

_They had often clashed heads on the idea of abortion, but this time Elliot had kept his mouth shut. He didn't want to say anything to offend her and she had been much more sensitive than she usually was._

_It took her a minute, but Olivia seemed to finally realize they were at her apartment. "Oh…" She looked out the window and then back at Elliot and licked her lips. "Uh…thanks for the ride Elliot. I'll see you tomorrow."_

_She reached for the door handle and was about to leave when Elliot reached out to touch her arm gently. "Liv…"_

_She turned back to him curiously; he could see her eyes were glassy with tears she was trying not to shed. "Yeah?"_

_She looked so tired and vulnerable and it broke his heart but he didn't know what to say. "You want to go for a drink?"_

_It seemed like a stupid thing to say but he couldn't think of anything else to say to her. He knew that he should have said something encouraging, something to make her smile but he didn't know what would make her feel better in a situation like this. Alcohol was probably not the best thing for her right now…but at least for a little while it would ease her pain._

_She blinked a few times before nodding. "Yeah. Yeah I'd like that…"_

_Elliot smiled, put the car in drive and pulled away from her apartment building. He started to drive to a nearby bar and in a few minutes they parked and were walking inside. He held the door open for her and let her lead him over to a spot at the edge of the bar away from other people._

_The bartender walked over to them and smiled. "What can I get you guys?"_

_"Can I just have a glass of merlot please?" Olivia asked softly as she took off her coat and put it on the back of her chair._

_The bartender nodded and turned to Elliot. "And for you sir?"_

_"Uh…can I just have a Heineken please?" Elliot asked taking his own coat off to get comfortable._

_When their drinks arrived, Elliot turned towards Olivia and watched as she stared down into the wine glass with a frown on her face. "So uh…any plans for this weekend?"_

_Olivia turned and stared at him for a moment before taking a sip of her wine. "Oh you know…just the usual. Sitting around and waiting to get called in for another case in which some jackass has murdered a child or raped an innocent woman." She said sniggering._

_Elliot took a swig of his beer; this was going to be harder than he thought. "Liv…"_

_She sighed and put her glass down on the bar. "I'm sorry. I know I'm being a total pain in the ass right now…I'm just so frustrated."_

_Elliot nodded slowly. "You're not being a pain in the ass Liv. You're upset…I get it. I'm frustrated too."_

_She traced the rim of the glass and looked at him sadly. "Sometimes it just feels like we make no difference at all. No matter what we do…no matter how many perps we put away there's always another one. There's always another victim whose life is ruined and it isn't fair."_

_Elliot took another long swig of his beer before putting it down and turning his body all the way towards her. "We get justice for all the victims Liv…we give them a chance to have their voices heard and to feel like they have power again."_

_"But how many of them can have normal lives again?" Olivia asked him quietly. "How many of them can move on?"_

_He sighed and shrugged. "I don't know…"_

_She bit her lip to try and keep the tears in. "I just feel like we make no difference at all sometimes and that scares me. I used to really believe in what we do but now it just feels pointless…"_

_He put his hand on her back soothingly. "Liv…you know that's not true. The victims appreciate what we do for them and doesn't it make you feel better to know that you put some of the bad guys away?"_

_She looked over at him sadly. "I guess…but why does it really matter? I mean I'm alone. You have your kids to look after so you feel better knowing they are safe when you put someone away. I just go back to my apartment all alone and I still feel unsafe…"_

_Elliot listened to her words and sighed, wishing he could do something to make her see she wasn't as alone as she thought. "You have me."_

_Olivia smiled sadly at him. "I know. I know…but it's not the same. I want a family…I don't want to go home alone anymore."_

_"You'll find someone…" He whispered softly, he could feel his heart beating in his chest._

_He was suddenly getting lost in her eyes and a feeling of jealousy began to build up in him. Of course he wanted her to be happy but the thought of her being happy with another guy made him want to die. But he couldn't let her know that…_

_There was something in the way that he was looking at her that made her want to kiss him, but her eyes went to the gold band on his ring finger and she remembered Kathy. "If I haven't found someone at this point…I don't think it will ever happen."_

_Elliot shook his head slowly. "Don't say that. Any guy would be lucky to be with you…"_

_She laughed sadly. "Yeah right…why would anyone want to be with me? All I do is work…I have no life outside of the office. The only family I have is dead and even she didn't want me…my father was a rapist. Talk about baggage and commitment issues…who would want to put up with that?"_

_He squinted his eyes and squeezed her shoulder gently. "We all have baggage Liv. There is not one person in this world that doesn't have his or her own problems. And you have a lot of qualities that would attract anyone…"_

_She rolled her eyes and lifted her glass to take a sip. "Like what?"_

_He squirmed in his seat slowly thinking about all the things he loved about her. "Well…first of all you are beautiful." He could see her blushing out of the corner of his eye after he turned away from her, he watched her take another sip of her wine. "You're intelligent and funny…you are incredibly charming and considerate. You are brave and loyal…you don't let anyone boss you around. You are who you are and you stand by what you believe in when most people would give in when other people would conform to others. You have one of the most infectious laughs I have ever heard…" He said smiling thinking about it. "And you are passionate about what you do…"_

_He turned back towards her and noticed that she couldn't seem to take her eyes off of him now. "You think all of that about me?"_

_He smiled gently at her and nodded. "Yeah. I do. I could keep going too if you want…but I don't want to inflate your head too much."_

_Olivia laughed softly. "You're the one with the big ego Stabler…not me."_

_He smirked. "That may be true. But I'd say since I met you…it's deflated quite a bit."_

_She cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean? Do I make you feel bad about yourself?"_

_Elliot shook his head adamantly. "No. Absolutely not. I just meant you've made me a better person, I've learned how to deal with the victims better thanks to you. And I'm definitely a better father…your kindness and consideration has rubbed off on me."_

_She licked her lips and looked back down at her wine glass. "Well…when you talk like that I do sound like quite a catch don't I?"_

_Elliot laughed and picked up his beer again. "Yeah. You are Liv…like I said…any guy would be lucky to be with you."_

_She turned back to him and smiled. "Well Kathy is extremely lucky to be with you too Elliot…I hope she knows that."_

_He smiled and held his bottle out to her. "Well then…here's to us."_

_Olivia smiled and lifted her glass and clinked it with his bottle. "Here's to us…"_

_They both took a sip of their drinks and little did they know, that they were both thinking the same thing…that the both desperately wanted to be together._

* * *

><p>Olivia was so lost in thought she lost track of time and before she knew it Dr. Cooper was calling her name. She slowly opened her eyes and realized they were done with her treatments for the day. She sat up slowly and looked around the room as she pulled her dressing gown around her tighter.<p>

"Oh…that's it?" Olivia asked blinking as she tried to adjust to the light.

Dr. Cooper smiled. "That's it. Not so bad right?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. Not so bad…"

"Tonight you may feel a little fatigued and uncomfortable…but it shouldn't be too bad until after a few sessions." She said helping her off the table.

Olivia nodded and stood up. "Alright…"

"If you feel any severe pain, please call me as soon as possible." She said as they made their way to the room next door so Olivia could change. "Do you have any questions?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. No I think I'm alright for now."

"Whatever you were thinking about kept you calm in there…you did really well for your first time." She said putting a hand on her back encouragingly.

Olivia smiled. "Thank you Amy…"

* * *

><p>Once Olivia had changed she walked out of the room and towards the waiting room looking forward to see Elliot. But when she got there he was nowhere to be seen but Maureen and Kathleen were sitting there talking together.<p>

"Maureen? Kathleen?" Olivia asked surprised to see them.

The girls turned and stood up when they saw Olivia. "Hey Liv! How are you? How did it go?" Maureen asked.

Olivia licked her lips and hugged them both. "I'm alright…what are you guys doing here?"

"Well…we wanted to offer some support." Kathleen said shrugging. "I hope it's okay that we came…"

Olivia smiled at her; she had always loved Elliot's kids. "Oh of course it is. I appreciate it. But where's your Dad?"

"He went down to the chapel down the hall…he said he needed a minute to himself." Maureen said softly.

Olivia nodded slowly. "He has a lot on his mind…"

Kathleen put a hand on Olivia's arm and smiled. "He's just worried about you…"

Olivia smiled softly. "Do you mind if I go to get him?"

Maureen smiled and shook her head. "No. Go ahead."

Olivia smiled at the girls and walked down the hallway towards the chapel where he was. The door was open and she peered inside just enough to see him kneeling at the front in the first pew and she watched him for a moment.

Elliot took a deep breath and clasped his hands together so he could begin to pray. "Hi God…uh it's me Elliot. There were something's I wanted to say to you last night I couldn't find the rights words." He said licking his lips.

Olivia hadn't expected him to be praying out loud, in a way she felt like she was intruding on a private moment. But at the same time…she couldn't turn away she wanted to hear what he had to say.

"See the thing is…I've always believed in you. I've always believed in your goodness but lately it's been kind of hard for me to believe. After the shooting I began to question you…how could you let me kill such a young girl like that?" He asked bitterly.

Olivia's heart broke; she knew how difficult it had been for Elliot to go through that. Even now with her being sick, she knew he still wasn't over it but she hadn't expected him be losing his faith. For as long as she had known him he had always believed in God. He had always used his faith to cope with his problems but she was finally seeing just how deep his pain went and how much it was killing him inside.

"I know I pulled the trigger…but I've always believed that you guide me in life. I've always believed that you show me the right way but with this I don't believe it was right. I know she was putting us all in danger but it still doesn't make any sense…and now." He shook his head and let out a shaky breath. "And now Olivia is sick and it doesn't make sense to me…why her?"

Quietly, Olivia stepped into the chapel and leaned against the wall. She wanted to walk to him and hold him tightly, to tell him that it wasn't his fault or Gods fault that she was sick but she knew she couldn't. She needed to let him say the things he needed to say…he had been holding it all in for too long. He needed to get these things off his chest.

"Olivia is so good…she's such a good person. All she does is give to others and she never asks for anything in return and now you've let this happen to her. Why? She doesn't deserve it…" He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I know no one deserves this but I just…I can't help but feel like this is all wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen like this…this wasn't supposed to be how we were going to get together. I wanted it to be different…"

She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes at his words, she too had wanted more than this she expected something else. But this was their life…

"I want her to be okay…" He laughed sadly. "No I need her to be okay. If she isn't…I don't know if I'll be able to hold on. I don't know how to do this without her…I realized that when I left. Everything else seems hazy when she's not around and I'm trying my best to be strong but it's harder than I thought it would be…"

She moved to walk to him, she needed to hold him now but he continued to talk and she stopped just a few feet behind him. He hadn't heard her walking because he was so wrapped up in his thoughts and worries.

"The truth is I'm scared. And quite frankly I'm selfish because in some ways I'm angry with her for being sick which is crazy cuz she can't control this. She's always taken care of me and I don't know how to take care of her…I don't know how to do it. I don't know if I'm any good at it…I don't know how to survive without her." He whispered as he looked up at the cross on the wall and said sadly. "Just please God…please don't take her away from me. Don't let her die…I can't breath without her…she's everything. She's the most important thing in my life and I don't know if she even realizes that…I don't know why I waited so long to tell her how I felt and now it feels like we're running out of time and I'm scared. Please…please just don't take her from me…please…"

Olivia took the last few steps to be beside him, she didn't touch him but she knelt down beside him. He was startled at first when he saw her beside him; he wanted to say something but didn't know what to say.

"Hi…God…" Olivia said softly and very unsure of herself. "Um…I've never really done this so forgive me if I do it wrong…" She laughed sadly. "But uh…see there are some things I want to ask you for." She closed her eyes and held her hands together in said softly. "Could you please…please watch over Elliot and let him know that he is helping me more than he realizes. Please help him learn that he can't control everything…and that he needs to realize what an amazing man he really is."

She licked her lips nervously, she could feel him staring intently at her but she couldn't stop now. "Please help him through this…all of it…whatever it is. I miss his smile…I miss his laugh. Please help him lift this weight off his shoulders because it isn't his burden to carry alone anymore." She took a deep breath and said more confidently. "And one more thing…I just want to thank you for bringing him into my life. I don't know if you exist…or if you do…or if you can even hear me or care about what I have to say but…I am thankful for him. I am so incredibly thankful for him in my life because without him…I would know no love…no matter what happens to me please watch over him and let him keep his faith and his beautiful heart…" She opened her eyes again and sat back on the bench. "Thank you…"

Elliot pulled himself up and sat beside her, still feeling shocked that he had seen her pray. "Liv…"

She didn't turn his body towards him but she took his hand slowly in his without looking at him. "Don't you lose yourself Elliot…don't lose yourself in this. You are what keeps me going everyday…but I need you to live your life too. Please…" She squeezed his hand tightly. "No matter what happens…don't you dare give in. Do you understand?"

She turned towards him slowly and saw tears welling up in his eyes, he nodded slowly. "I understand…"

She reached over and cupped his face with her hands. "We've made it this far…I don't feel that this can be the end of our story El. It just can't…and that gives me hope. Just like you do…"

He leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. "It still isn't fair…"

She smiled sadly and caressed his cheek. "No. It isn't…but its life. And even though it's hard…it's still worth it. If it wasn't…we wouldn't be here together."

He closed his eyes and breathed her in. "I don't want to lose you."

She pulled back slowly and put a hand on his heart. "You believe in God and heaven don't you?"

Elliot nodded slowly. "I do…but right now it's hard have faith."

"Well you can't lose that faith Elliot. Because it's who you are…and if something does happen…if I do leave you." He opened his mouth to protest what she had said but she continued to talk so he couldn't say anything. "I wont really be gone will I?"

Elliot put his hand over hers on his chest and smiled at her. "No…I guess you won't."

She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him gently. "Well then let's not think about it. Not unless we absolutely have too…okay?"

He sighed gently and nodded his head. "You're right. If we dwell on it…we'll miss out on the time we have together right now."

She caressed his face softly and nodded. "Exactly."

He swallowed hard and reached for her hand. "I love you…"

She winked at him. "I love you too El…and no matter what you think…you really are helping me get through this. You're giving me something to fight for…"

Her words ran through him and pulled at his heartstrings, he leaned forward and kissed her again. "Don't stop fighting…"

She shook her head. "Never…"

She stood up and put her hand out to him to take and pulled him up to her. Elliot took one last look at the cross on the wall and smiled as they walked together down the aisle. She linked his arm with his and squeezed his arm gently.

"Today's the first day of the rest of our lives…" She whispered.

Elliot thought about what she said and nodded. "I guess you're right…things have changed now."

"But maybe it isn't as bad as we think it is." Olivia said hopefully. "Maybe…we will grow form this and become even closer."

Elliot pulled his arm away from hers and wrapped it around her shoulders. "I think maybe you're right…"

She wrapped her arm around his waist and kissed his neck gently as he kissed the top of her head. There was no going back now…her treatments had started and now they just had to hope for the best. Olivia held him close as he asked her about how the radiation had gone but all she could think about was all the things he had said when he was praying.

She didn't want him to lose his faith because it embodied everything that he was. Even though she herself wasn't religious, she had somehow always found it comforting to hear his thoughts on religion. She respected the fact that he believed in something and wished that she too had his faith.

As they walked she told herself that no matter what happened or how sick she may feel in the future…she had to make sure Elliot was okay too. Because if he wasn't okay…then she would never be able to get through this.

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><p><strong>I hope you liked the chapter :) let me know by sending in a review! I'll try and update really soon. <strong> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello all :) Once again thanks for all the support. I hope you like the new chapter. Just a warning...the next couple of chapters are going to be sad at least this one is a little and the next one definitely will be. But just remember that I'm an E/O shipper at heart and always want to make them happy together! With that said...read on! And don't forget to REVIEW!**

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><p>A week later, Olivia was coming out of another round of radiation feeling stiff and uncomfortable. Elliot had dropped her off for the appointment but had promised Eli he would spend the day with him. She was supposed to call Cragen to pick her up but as she was walking out she ran into Kathy.<p>

"Hey Olivia…" Kathy said walking over to her slowly.

Olivia was trying to pull her sweater on with a little difficulty, her arms and chest felt tight. "Hey Kathy…"

Kathy walked closer to her and helped her into the sweater and tried to smile. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia sighed and pushed some hair out of her face. "Oh you know…hangin in there."

Kathy smiled gently. "I hope it's okay that Elliot was spending the day with Eli."

Olivia smiled back. "Oh of course it is! I think it's great that he gets to spend the day with him."

"How are you getting home then?" Kathy asked curiously.

"I'm supposed to call Cragen to pick me up." Olivia said pulling the sweater around her tighter feeling cold all of a sudden.

"I'm actually just getting off my shift…what do you say we grab a bite to eat and then I'll drop you off after?" Kathy asked nervously, she wanted to be friends with Olivia but didn't want to push anything that would make her uncomfortable.

Olivia thought about it for a moment. "Um…are you sure? Don't you have things you need to do?"

Kathy shrugged. "No not really. Since Elliot has Eli for the day I actually get a little time to myself until the twins are home from school." She smiled gently. "We don't have to if you don't want to…it was just an idea."

Olivia smiled at her and nodded. "I think that would be great if you're up for it. Let me just call Cragen and let him know he doesn't have to come get me."

Kathy nodded. "Okay. I have to hand in this paperwork and then I'll meet you down in the lobby?"

Olivia nodded and watched her walk away before calling Cragen and letting him know what she was doing. She was standing in the lobby waiting for Kathy and she couldn't help but feel a little nervous. Kathy had of course taken care of her when she got out of surgery and helped her tell Elliot the truth about her cancer.

But…she was still Elliot's ex-wife after all. And their relationship had always been…well different. She knew that Kathy had been jealous about the relationship she had with Elliot and Olivia had been very jealous of Kathy as well. But now Olivia was with Elliot…it was all a little strange.

They had agreed to wanting to try and be friends, but would that actually work? For Elliot's sake and for the kids Olivia knew she wanted to try. If she did survive all this, she planned on being with Elliot forever which would mean having Kathy in her life. It would be much easier if they were friends rather than enemies at the end of the day.

She didn't have much time to change her mind though because Kathy was walking towards her again. So she smiled and tried to act as normal as possible so that Kathy wouldn't feel uncomfortable.

Kathy rubbed her hands together when she got to Olivia. "So…where should we go for lunch?"

Olivia shrugged. "Oh I don't know…what are you in the mood for?"

"Well there's that new deli down the street. All the nurses have been going there all week…they said it's delicious. We could try there if you want." Kathy suggested.

Olivia nodded and started to walk to the door. "Alright. Let's do it."

They walked together out of the hospital and out onto the street, Kathy eyed Olivia nervously taking in her appearance. It had only been a week since treatments had started but she could already see a change in Olivia. She was still beautiful as always but she looked more tired and sad, the usual light in her eyes was dimmer than usual. She couldn't imagine how hard this was for her…being a nurse she saw many people that were sick but it was different when it was someone you knew.

She cleared her throat nervously. "So uh…Dr. Cooper is pretty great huh?"

Olivia looked over at her slowly and nodded. "Yeah. She's really nice, she's been so patient with me through all of this."

"Yeah she's very well respected at the hospital, all of her patients love her. Their families too…" Kathy said as they continued to walk.

Olivia licked her lips and shivered as the wind whipped around them. "So how are the kids? I feel like Elliot and I don't get to talk about them much…he's so focused on making sure I'm okay. I worry he isn't spending enough time with them…"

Kathy shook her head. "No. They understand why he isn't around all the time. It's okay. We're just glad he's back at all…"

As they walked into the restaurant and got a table, Olivia looked at Kathy and spoke gently. "He never meant to leave you guys…what happened that day at the precinct…" She sighed and looked down sadly. "No one would have been able to walk away unscathed…"

Kathy thought about what she said for a moment before answering. "I'm not mad at him. I mean our marriage was over a long time before that…it was just hard on the kids. More than anything we were worried about him…he kept everything so bottled up for so long I was afraid that he would just snap at some point. When he left…even though I knew where he was I was still scared for him."

Olivia nodded and leaned her arms on the table. "He does keep everything bottled up…he thinks he's saving everyone by pretending he's okay. He doesn't like to burden people with his own problems."

Kathy rolled her eyes. "It was one of the more annoying habits of his…"

Olivia laughed. "Don't I know it."

The waiter came over to them and smiled. "Hello ladies. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"I'll just have some water." Olivia said.

Kathy nodded. "I'll have the same."

He walked away and Olivia turned back to Kathy. "You know…he uh…he made a therapy appointment yesterday. He's going on Wednesday…"

Kathy raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Really?"

Olivia smiled and nodded slowly as the waiter put the water in front of them. "Thank you." Olivia said as she took a sip. "Yeah he decided he wanted to talk to someone about what happened that day at work…about what's going on now."

Kathy laughed happily. "Wow…I mean this is great but I never really thought he would do this. I tried to get him to talk to someone for years…"

"I guess he just wasn't ready." Olivia said shrugging as she looked down at the menu. "I think leaving work really made him realize he couldn't live like that any longer…he's different."

Kathy took a sip of her own water and leaned back in her chair. "Yeah he is. Just the few times I've seen him since he came back…" She shrugged. "He seems more at peace with everything…I mean he's stressed with what is going on with you but he seems stronger. Like he's more ready to face the world."

Olivia looked down at her hands on the table afraid to meet his eyes. "I'm very lucky to have him in my life…but I…" She laughed and looked back up at Kathy. "Is it okay that he and I are together? Is that weird for you?"

Kathy smiled at Olivia and shrugged. "To be honest…a little." She laughed as she shifted in her seat. "I always thought it would happen and I am happy for you guys…I am but it's still strange. Elliot was my husband at one point…"

Olivia sighed gently. "I don't want you to feel like you need to be friends with me. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable."

"Oh no…that's not what I meant." Kathy said leaning across the table to squeeze Olivia's hand. "I mean…I want you guys to be together. It just may take a little getting used too…I'm over Elliot. I am. I have been for awhile but I still care about him…we shared a life together."

Olivia nodded and licked her lips. "And I respect the life you did have and still do have. I hope you know that…"

Kathy smiled and nodded her head as she leaned back in her chair. "I know that."

Olivia bit her lip and looked down at the table again afraid to say what she wanted to say next. "I…I've actually been wanting to ask you something."

Kathy stared at her curiously for a moment before clearing her throat. "Okay. What's up?"

Olivia looked up at her quickly and tried to smile. "Well…I mean treatments are going well now of course. But um…I was wondering if you would…if you could…" She sighed and ran a hand through her hair nervously. "If this doesn't end well…if something happens to me-"

Kathy narrowed her eyes at Olivia. "Hey…whoa don't talk like that."

Olivia smiled weakly. "Just…just let me finish okay?" Kathy sighed and nodded her head signaling Olivia to continue. "I'm just worried about him…he's so wrapped up in what's going on with me right now. And I can't be more grateful for him…he's been my rock and I love him so much. But if something does happen to me…I'm worried about what will happen to him. So…if something does happen to me. Will you please look after him? Make sure that he doesn't fall back into old habits…"

Kathy felt her heart beating in her chest and tears burning in her eyes, she sighed and rubbed her hands together nervously. "Yes. Yes I promise to look after Elliot if anything happens to you…I won't let him run away again."

Olivia smiled sadly and let out a shaky breath. "Okay…thank you."

Kathy stared at her for a moment before adding. "But you have to remember…that you promised me you were going to fight like hell."

Olivia nodded and tried to ignore the aches and pains she was feeling from treatments. "I know I did…and I am going to fight. But I'm just saying…"

Kathy nodded. "I know…"

"So it's settled. I'll fight like hell but if event hat isn't enough…you're going to watch after Elliot for me." Olivia said raising her glass. "Deal?"

Kathy lifted her glass and touched Olivia's glass with hers. "Deal."

They shared a small smile before the waiter came over to take their orders. It was going to be hard to be friends, it was in fact a strange relationship but it wasn't impossible. It was just going to take some time to get used too…

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Elliot was at the park with Eli and he was watching his son run up and down the jungle gym. Eli was laughing as he ran and he looked so innocent and happy, it brought a calming sense to his heart. He put his hands in his pockets and smiled feeling more at ease then he had in a long time.<p>

Eli slid down the slide and ran over to Elliot who easily scooped him up. "What are you thinking about Daddy?"

Elliot smiled at his youngest son and kissed his cheek. "I was just thinking that I'm glad we got to spend the day together."

Eli smiled at his Dad. "Me too."

Elliot smiled and started to carry Eli over to the bench where they could sit. "So…how are you doing buddy?"

Eli shrugged and sat down next to his Dad, he was growing up so fast and looked more and more like Dickie everyday. "I'm good. Yesterday Dickie helped me start to build a fort in the yard. It's pretty cool." He said excitedly.

Elliot smiled and put his arm on the back of the bench. "That sounds really cool. If you guys want some help I could come over this weekend and help you build it."

Eli's face lit up making Elliot smile. "Really?" The little boy asked scooting closer to his Dad. "Could you really do that?"

Elliot nodded as the smile grew on his face. "Definitely. I think that would be fun for us all to together."

Dickie continued to smile at his Dad. "That would be awesome!"

Elliot chuckled and ruffled the top of his son's head. "Alright then. I'll be there."

Eli looked back out at the playground at all the other kids playing before saying softly, "I heard Dickie talking to Lizzie last night…he said that Olivia was sick."

Elliot took a deep breath and nodded his head slowly. "Uh yeah…yeah Olivia is sick."

Eli turned back to his Dad and stared up at him curiously. "Well…is she going to be okay?" The little boy asked with a small frown growing on his face.

Elliot stared at his son and could see sadness and fear there, Olivia was close to all of his children but Eli had taken a real liking to her. It probably had to do with the fact that she had helped deliver him, whatever it was they had a great relationship. Eli was still young; he didn't understand the concept of sickness and death that well and he didn't want to scare him.

"Well…" Elliot began shifting in his seat slightly. "She's been going to the doctors and taking her medicine like they tell her. So…we think she should be okay."

Eli nodded his head slowly and started to swing his legs back and forth, something he did when he was nervous. "Well…then how come she got sick?"

Elliot licked his lips and put his arm around him. "I don't know…"

Eli looked over at his Dad with a sad look on his face. "Did God make her sick? Because that's not nice…she didn't do anything wrong."

Elliot smiled sadly and nodded. "No…she didn't do anything wrong Eli. People just get sick sometimes ya know? It's like when you get a cold or a bellyache...it just happens. But sometimes…people get more sick than others."

Eli thought about this for a moment before asking. "That's not really fair…"

Elliot rubbed his sons arm gently. "No…it really isn't."

Eli continued to swing his legs as he whispered. "Do you love her Daddy?"

Elliot swallowed hard and closed his eyes. "Yes Eli. I do love her…"

Eli scooted away from his Dad and crossed his legs Indian style on the bench so he could face his Dad and stared at him nervously. "Daddy are you going to leave again?"

Elliot's heart dropped to his stomach and he looked at his son. "No Eli. I promise that I won't ever leave again."

Eli turned his head to the side and stared at his Dad curiously. "I didn't like it when you were away…I was sad."

Elliot leaned forward and cupped his sons face gently. "I was sad too Eli…that's why I left. I know that probably doesn't make much sense but when you're older I hope you'll understand."

The young boy felt confused but could somehow tell his Dad was being honest with him. "Are you going to marry Olivia now?"

Elliot's eyes widened and he let out a shaky breath. "I don't know about that…there are a lot of other things that Olivia and I need to work through first."

"You mean because she is sick?" Eli asked softly.

Elliot nodded slowly. "Well that's one thing yeah…"

"But if you do marry Olivia…" Eli said nervously. "Will you still love us?"

Elliot's heart fell even further and he picked him up so he could sit on his lap. "Eli…I will never stop loving you and your brother and sisters. Never. No matter what happens I will always love you guys. You're Mom too…you guys are so very important to me. Okay?"

Eli stared into his fathers face and saw that he was telling the truth. "Okay…"

He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his Dad's neck and hugged him tightly. Elliot smiled and held his son back hoping that no matter what happened he could find a way to make this up to his children…

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><p>Later that afternoon, Kathy pulled up in front of her house with Olivia. They figured since Elliot would be dropping off Eli anyway, he could just pick her up there. Dickie and Lizzie were just getting home from school when they were getting out of their cars. The twins smiled, walked over to their Mom and Olivia and hugged them both.<p>

"Hey Olivia." Lizzie said as she hugged her. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia smiled and put a hand on Lizzie's shoulder. "I'm alright kid. How was school?"

Dickie rolled his eyes and started to walk towards the front door. "Boring as always."

"I believe she was asking your sister." Kathy said laughing as she pushed her son gently.

Lizzie laughed and walked with Olivia. "It was alright…classes are getting harder. But I'm doing alright."

"You're being too modest. Your Dad tells me you are the brains in this family. You must get it from your Mom." Olivia said.

Lizzie smiled. "Well I'm definitely smarter than Dickie but I don't know about everyone else…"

Dickie turned and glared at her as Kathy opened the door. "Hey. That's not fair. I could be smarter than you…I just don't care enough to actually try as hard as you."

Kathy groaned. "Where did I go wrong with you?"

They all laughed and walked into the house as Lizzie turned to Olivia again. "So how come you are here with Mom? Where's Dad?"

"Oh he's out with Eli today. Your Mom and I went to lunch after one of my appointments and I'll just go home with your Dad when he comes to drop off Eli." Olivia said as they walked into the kitchen and sat at the counter.

"Wait…" Dickie said as he took an apple out of the basket on the counter and turned back to them. "Are you two like friends now?"

Kathy shrugged and started to make some tea. "Yeah. We are. Is that okay with you?"

Dickie bit into the apple and nodded. "A little. I mean you're the ex-wife and you're the new girlfriend who the ex-wife used to be jealous of…kind of weird."

Olivia blushed and Kathy hit her son on the back of the head. "Sometimes you need to learn when to keep your mouth shut. And Olivia and I are adults…we are perfectly capable of being friends and we're going to be friends so get used to it."

Dickie smiled and shrugged. "Well if that's what you guys want…whatever."

Lizzie rolled her eyes at her brother and went to get a water bottle out of the fridge. "Don't listen to Dickie…he's an idiot. I think it's nice that you guys are friends. I mean we're all going to be in each others lives right?"

"Exactly." Kathy said smiling at her daughter. "I knew there was a reason you were my favorite kid."

"Just wait until I tell Kathleen and Maureen that one…" Dickie said pointing at her angrily. "You are starting a war in this household…"

Everyone laughed and Kathy just took teacups out of the cabinet. "I'm really not that worried about it…"

They were interrupted by the doorbell and Lizzie got up to answer it. She walked back into the kitchen a minute later with Elliot and Eli who was talking all about the fun day he had had with their Dad.

"Olivia?" Elliot asked walking over to her. "What are you doing here? I thought Cragen was going to take you home after your appointment?" He asked as he kissed the top of her head.

Olivia smiled at him. "Well I ran into Kathy after my appointment and she asked me to lunch. We figured we'd just come here and you could take me home."

Elliot smiled. "Well that's nice."

"See even Dad thinks its weird that you guys are trying to be friends…" Dickie said pointing at his Mom again.

Elliot leaned over and smacked Dickie too. "I do not."

Dickie continued to chew his apple and rubbed the back of his head. "Hey…enough with the hitting!"

Everyone was laughing as Eli walked over to Olivia and tapped her on the leg. "Livvie?"

Olivia looked down at little Eli and smiled, she ignored the pain in her chest and arms as she scooped him up. "Hey little buddy. I sure have missed you."

Eli smiled and hugged her. "I missed you too." When they pulled away Eli pulled something from his pocket and held it out to her. "I made this for you last night…"

Olivia smiled and unfolded the piece of paper, when she saw what it was she felt tears brimming in her eyes. She swallowed hard and stared at the boy wanting to hold him forever.

"Eli…" She whispered as she looked back at the picture, it was a drawing of her and Eli and above it, the words 'I love you, feel better soon' were scribbled. "I love it."

"Daddy says you're going to be okay and that makes me happy. But I want you to feel better soon because I would be sad if you weren't." He said staring at her nervously.

Everyone was watching them, trying to hide their emotions. "Well I'm going to be just fine Eli."

Eli smiled at her. "Good because Daddy really loves you and I like seeing him be happy again."

Olivia looked over at Elliot who had tears in his eyes, she turned back to Eli. "I like seeing your Dad happy too…"

Eli smiled and hugged her again. "I love you Livvie."

Olivia closed her eyes and held the small boy tightly. "I love you too Eli."

* * *

><p>An hour later, they were back at Olivia's apartment. Olivia immediately walked to the couch and sat down feeling suddenly very tired and cold. Elliot walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge looking for something to cook for dinner.<p>

"I had a great day with Eli." He said as he took out some stuff for a salad. "We went to the children's museum and the park, I forgot how funny he is."

Olivia smiled and curled up on the couch. "He is pretty damn adorable."

"He was going on and on about preschool and how much he loved learning. I can't believe next year he'll be in kindergarten…he's growing up so fast." Elliot said laughing. "My youngest kid will be in kindergarten…doesn't seem possible."

Suddenly out of nowhere tears began to burn in the back of her eyes, at first she wasn't sure where they were coming from. "No it doesn't…"

"And you know…he was telling me that Dickie is getting pretty serious with this girl he's been seeing. He says it's been about three months now which quite frankly is the longest he's ever been interested in one girl." He said laughing.

She licked her lips and closed her eyes tightly trying to hold her tears in. "He's a teenage boy…their eyes wander."

Elliot laughed again. "I guess you're right. Kathy and I always had the impression that he would never settle down and get married when he gets older. He can't sit still long enough to take care of a family."

Now she couldn't hold the tears in. "Maybe…" She said in a shaky voice.

Elliot turned to look at her when he heard the sound of her voice; he noticed that she was shaking slightly. He waited a moment before putting the bowl in his hand down before walking over to her.

Her eyes were closed as the tears streamed down her face and her shoulders shook, she was trying to cry softly. "Liv…"

She opened her eyes and sniffled as she sat up and tried to wipe them away. "Yeah?"

"What's wrong?" He asked sitting down beside her.

She shook her head and tried to smile and hide that she was upset. "Nothing."

He stared at her in disbelief. "You're crying…something is wrong. So just tell me what it is and maybe I can help you."

She sighed and rested her elbows on her knees as she ran her hands through her hair. "I was just…I can't…when Eli gave me that card today it just made me realize how much I've missed out in life. And how now it's too late…"

Elliot was quiet for a moment as he licked his lips and tried to put a comforting hand on her back. "I don't understand…"

She sniffled again as a few more tears fell down her cheeks. "All I ever wanted in my life was to be a Mom…to have a baby and now it's never going to happen. I'm too old to have kids…and even if I wanted to do treatments to try and get pregnant I couldn't. Not with the radiation and all the medications…it would never happen."

Now he understood what she was upset about. "Olivia…"

"I just kept thinking that I still had time…that it would happen for me. I kept waiting…and now I've waited too long and that one dream is never going to come true." She said crying harder now.

Elliot sighed and leaned in closer to her as he wrapped his arm more protectively around her. "It's okay…"

She shook her head and leaned into him. "It's not okay…none of this is okay. It's only been a week and I'm already so tired…and it hurts. It's uncomfortable and scary and I'm tired of people looking at me with sympathy. I want my old life back Elliot. I hate this. I fucking hate it!"

He swallowed the lump in his throat and pulled her head to rest against his chest. "I know you do…I hate it too. But we're going to get through this."

Olivia groaned and pulled away to stand up in front of him. "But is it? Is it really going to be okay Elliot?"

She was standing in front of him, her face was pale and she looked so sad, it broke his heart. "No…I guess I don't know for sure."

She shook her head sadly and wrapped her sweater around her tighter. "I keep saying that it will be fine…I keep telling other people I will be fine but I'm not. Right at this moment I'm not okay and that scares me...that really scare me Elliot."

He went to get off the couch but suddenly he found he didn't have the strength. "I'm scared too…terrified actually."

"I just feel like I've spent my whole life assuming that I had all the time in the world. And now…this happens. I've done the same thing everyday for so long…never doing anything fun for myself." She shook her head sadly and threw her hands up in the air. "And now…now I'm battling cancer and there is no guarantee I'll have time to do the things I always wanted…and I'm not just talking about little things around the city. I mean…traveling and meeting new people. Going to concerts and shows, doing something risky and spontaneous…there is so much I still want to do. But most of all…I really wanted to be a mother."

She let out a soft sob and sat down beside him and shook her head. "And now that will never happen…" She finished sadly.

Elliot let her words sink in for a moment before wrapping his arm around her again. "My kids look at you like a Mom…but I know that's not the same thing."

She sniffled and rested her head against his shoulder; he kissed the top of her head gently. "I love your kids…you know I do. But I want my own kids…"

He sighed and leaned back on the couch pulling her up against him. "I know…"

She whimpered and held onto him tightly. "I'm sorry…I don't know why I'm getting so upset. Today it just hit me that I wanted to do in my life…might not be able to happen anymore."

He shook his head as he rubbed her back. "You don't have to apologize for anything Olivia. You have the right to be upset…this is a scary thing you are going through. But you just have to remember that you aren't alone…"

Olivia snuggled into him further, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling in her chest where the radiation was focusing on. "Can you just hold me for awhile? You're the only thing that can make me feel better…"

He kissed the top of her head and held her tighter. "I can definitely do that…"

Olivia breathed a sigh of relief and tried to ignore the sadness that was creeping into her bones. She wanted to focus on the here and now when she was in the arms of the man she loved. But no matter how safe he made her feel, she couldn't ignore the fact that she didn't know what was going to happen and that all the things she wanted in life…were now out of reach.

* * *

><p><strong>I should be updating at least by Friday if not tomorrow so I hope you send in a review before then! :) Thanks again! <strong> 


	14. Chapter 14

A month later, Olivia was really beginning to feel the effects of radiation treatments. She was losing weight, couldn't sleep even though she was exhausted, was constantly sore and her skin felt raw. She tried her best to put on a brave face and act like everything was normal but it was really wearing her down.

Elliot was being so patient with her, he was there to comfort her when she needed it and he gave her space when she needed time to deal with it alone. No matter how much they wanted to pretend otherwise, there was a definite strain in their relationship. She had no desire to be intimate and Elliot respected that, but it definitely was hard since their relationship was still new.

One morning, Olivia was in the bathroom brushing her teeth; she was feeling extremely light headed. She had one hand on the vanity trying to steady herself so she wouldn't fall down. She spit into the sink, rinsed her mouth out and splashed some cold water on her face.

She put both hands on the sink and took a few deep breaths before looking into the mirror. She didn't recognize the person in the mirror…she was pale and had hooks under her eyes.

The next thing she knew the room was spinning and everything went black and she fell back, hitting her head on the wall as she slid to the floor.

Elliot was in the kitchen eating breakfast when he heard a loud thump coming from the bathroom. He set his coffee down and called out to Olivia. "Liv?"

When she didn't answer, he jumped up and walked to the door. He put his ear against the wood and tried to see if he could hear any movement inside. When he didn't hear anything he knocked gently and called her again. "Liv?"

This time when there was no answer he immediately opened the bathroom door, his heart sank when he saw her on the floor. Her forehead was bleeding where she had hit the wall and he ran over to her.

Kneeling on the floor he picked her head up and put it in his lap before checking for a pulse. "Liv wake up…" Elliot said shaking her slightly.

He reached into his pocket to get his cell phone just as her eyes opened and she looked up at him. "What the hell happened?"

He was just about to press the send button when he heard her talking to him. "You must have passed out. I'm going to call an ambulance and we'll go to the hospital."

Olivia sat up slowly and put a hand on her head feeling the blood there. "I don't need an ambulance."

He put his hand on her lower back to make sure she wouldn't fall again. "Liv…I think we really should go to the hospital." He said wearily.

She groaned and winced as she pulled herself up off the ground and reached for a facecloth. "I just got a little dizzy Elliot…its no big deal."

She started to wet the cloth to stop the bleeding and Elliot stared at her through the window. "It's not nothing. You passed out and you hit your head…and now you're bleeding. You really should get it checked out."

She put it on her forehead and started to walk out of the bathroom. "I'm not going to the hospital. I spend enough time there as it is…"

Elliot gave her a moment before he started to follow her into the bedroom. "I understand that you don't want to go but I want to make sure you don't have a concussion or anything."

"I don't have a concussion." She said starting to lose her patience with him, she knew he meant well but she really didn't want to go to the hospital.

"You're a Detective…not a Doctor." He said as he leaned against the dresser, he folded his arms and stared at her trying to see if she was steady on her feet.

She turned quickly, still holding the cloth to her head and glared at him. "Really? I didn't know that! Thanks for letting me know."

She rolled her eyes and turned away from him again looking for a clean shirt since blood had dripped on the one she was wearing. "I not trying to fight with you here but I would feel a lot better if we just went to the hospital. Maybe nothing is wrong but it's better to be safe than sorry."

She laughed and threw the facecloth on the bedside table as she went to take her shirt off. "Oh you would feel a lot better? Well you know what would make me feel better Elliot…" She said throwing the shirt across the room. "Do you?"

He licked his lips and pushed himself off of the dresser to walk towards her. "Olivia…"

"No? You don't know? Alright then I'll tell you!" She said pulling the new shirt over her head, Elliot knew this wasn't going to end well but he knew better than to stop her. "I would feel better if I never had to go to that fucking hospital again and get those damn radiation treatments! I'd feel better if this bullshit cancer would just go away or if I had never found out I was sick in the first place! But hey…none of that is going to happen so I guess I won't be feeling better. So you don't' get to feel better either."

He sighed and put his hand out to her. "I understand that this is difficult for you-"

She snorted and turned from him. "Yeah right…"

His hand dropped and he sat down on the edge of the bed sensing that this was going to take awhile. "Olivia I-"

"You can't possibly understand how this feels!" She screamed turning back to him angrily. "You don't have to have your body poked and prodded at all day everyday…you don't have to take medications and use treatments that make you feel like your 100 years old! I can't eat anything, I can't fucking sleep for more than ten minutes a night!" She ran a hand through her hair and sighed. "I don't even feel like myself anymore! I hate what I see in the mirror and I'm tired of everyone looking at me like some weak person who can't take care of herself. This isn't me! So no…you don't know how this fucking feels and you couldn't possibly understand it!"

When she finished yelling Elliot looked down at the ground and nodded. "You're right."

She swallowed hard and leaned against the wall. "What did you just say?"

He sighed and lifted his head to stare at her with sad eyes. "I said you're right. I don't know how it feels…and I can't possibly understand what you are going through. But I'm trying…"

"No amount of trying in the world would make you understand how I feel." She said bitterly before grimacing. "And since you don't know how I feel…why do you keep saying you do?"

He laughed sadly and shrugged. "Because I don't know what else I'm supposed to say Olivia…"

She knew deep in her heart he was just trying to be supportive, but she was so angry that all she could think to do was continue to fight. "Well then why don't you just not say anything at all? It would help us both in this situation."

He sighed and shook his head before standing up. "Fine. From now on I'll keep my mouth shut. Will that make you happy?"

She stared at him for a moment before crossing his arms. "Maybe." She said stubbornly.

He nodded his head before starting to walk out of the bedroom. "Fine. I have an appointment so I'll see you later. I don't feel comfortable leaving you here now that you passed out…but hey…it's your life. I'm just living in it."

He shut the door behind him, leaving Olivia alone again. She sighed and sat down on the bed again as she lifted the facecloth to her forehead again. She felt sick to her stomach again and slightly dizzy, but she had a feeling that it had nothing to do with the treatments and everything to do with the fact that she had just blown up on Elliot for no reason.

* * *

><p>Before he had left the apartment, he sent a quick text to Cragen asking him to check up on Olivia while he was out. He knew that she seemed okay when's he had woken up, she was clearly very vocal but he knew that he would never forgive himself if she fainted while he was away.<p>

He was sitting in the waiting room of his therapist's office and knew that this session was going to be very interesting.

His therapist Jen Walker walked out of her office and smiled. "Good morning Elliot. Are you ready to come in?"

He nodded slowly as he stood up and walked towards her. "Yes."

Jen studied his body language and could tell he was having a bad day. "So…how are you today?" She asked as she shut the door behind him and he sat down on the couch opposite her chair.

He sighed and took his coat off. "I've been better…"

She sat down and crossed her legs. "You seem a bit tense this morning. What's going on?"

He leaned his elbows on his knees and stared at his hands. "This morning Olivia fainted…she hit her head and she was bleeding. I wanted to take her to the hospital but she refused. We got into an argument…well no actually she just yelled at me about how hard it was going through all this and how I could never understand how she was feeling."

Jen nodded slowly. "People who are undergoing cancer treatments go through a lot emotionally. It can really take a toll on them."

Elliot looked back up at her and leaned back on the couch. "I know that. And I understand why she is upset…but I don't know how to help her. I feel like everything I say just pisses her off."

She smiled gently at him. "But you know she's not really angry at you right?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. I know. She's taking her anger out on me…and Lord knows I've done that plenty of times to her but right now I'm just kind of at a standstill. It's only been a month and I already feel really lost. I'm trying my best to be there for her but it doesn't seem like I'm doing enough."

"I've obviously never met Olivia…but from what you've told me she seems like a very independent person. I think it's probably difficult for her to lean on you for support. She wants too…she needs to actually but it doesn't come naturally to her." Jen said.

Elliot nodded again. "I know that. And I don't really know how to either…but she can't do this by herself. This isn't just any problem…this is a life or death situation."

Jen thought about what he was saying before leaning into him slightly. "Let's think about it this way…if the tables were turned how do you think you would be feeling? Would you be able to rely on her and accept her help? Would you appreciate it?"

Elliot thought about moments in his life when he had needed help and how he had pushed everyone away, especially Olivia. He knew it was easier to do that than to accept help but he thought about how he would feel if he were sick. IF he had cancer…would he be able to let her take care of him.

He knew the answer…no. He would be angry that he was sick and that he couldn't take care of himself. He understood the feeling of needing to be in control, but this was one thing neither of them could control. So what was he supposed to do?

He sighed and shook his head. "No. I wouldn't be able to accept her help and I wouldn't act like I appreciated it. I would act stubborn and angry like she is…but I'd probably be a lot more harsh then she is being."

Jen smiled and nodded her head as she leaned back in her chair again. "Yeah you probably would be. That's one of the reasons the two of you were drawn together I think though. You're different but the same in a lot of ways."

Elliot smiled. "I suppose you're right."

Jen rubbed her knee gently and started her next question slowly, not wanting to push him to hard. "So you understand why she is doing it…then there has to be something else that is bothering you. We've talked a lot about Olivia's feelings about being sick…but how do you feel about it?"

He thought about her question before answering. "I'm pissed."

"Pissed at her?" Jen asked curiously. "Or pissed because you can't fix her?"

"Pissed that I can't fix her." Elliot said sighing gently. "I'm a Detective…I'm used to fixing people's problems ya know? But this is one thing I can't fix…no matter how hard I try."

Jen nodded. "No. You can't fix it. How else do you feel?"

He turned his gaze from her and stared at the large clock on the wall. "Uh…I feel…" He paused and let out a shaky breath. "I feel scared…"

"Scared that she is going to die?" Jen asked softly.

Elliot closed his eyes feeling his heart sink. "Yes…"

"How are the treatments going? Have you been in contact with her Doctor?" She asked.

Elliot nodded. "We talk form time to time when I take Olivia to her appointments. It's still really too early to say…I mean the surgery went well obviously. But that doesn't mean that the tumors won't grow back."

"There are no guarantees about anything in life Elliot." Jen said honestly.

He nodded his head sadly. "I know that."

"The truth is…" Jen said squirming in her seat. "There is a possibility that Olivia could die."

His head turned quickly towards her, his face-hardened. "Why would you say something like that?"

She shrugged. "Because I'm just trying to be honest with you…you need to think about all the possibilities here good or bad."

He swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head angrily. "No. No her dying is not a possibility. She could push me away and break up with me or we could make it work and spend the rest of our lives together. But her dying…won't happen."

Jen smiled sadly at him. "But deep down you know it could happen Elliot…"

She rested his elbows on his knees again and put his hands on his forehead. "She can't die. I wouldn't be able to handle it."

"Why not?" Jen asked wanting to push him to really express his feelings. "You've been without her in your life before. So what would happen if she did die? What would you do?"

He lifted his head slowly and licked his lips. "Yeah I've been without her before…but I've always known she was around if I needed her. If she died…if I could never see or talk to her again I would completely fall apart. She means everything to me…"

"Have you told her that? Have you told her how scared you are for her? How scared you are that she will die?" She asked.

Elliot shook his head and laughed. "Of course not. I could never say anything like that to her."

"Why not? Because you don't want to look weak or because you don't want to upset her with the idea that she might die?" She knew that he might blow up but she had to force him to face his fears.

He leaned back on the couch and sighed. "Because if I say those things out loud…then it would mean it's all true."

"The thing is…you will never understand how Olivia is feeling right now. But she isn't going to understand how you feel either. This isn't easy for anyone…and it would be strange if you didn't feel scared or emotional. I think the only way that you can get through this is tell her how you feel." She said shrugging.

"But what if she doesn't listen? What if she gets angry with me? What if she thinks I'm being selfish?" He asked nervously.

Jen sighed. "She might feel that way…but you won't know until you tell her. Maybe she'll respect how you feel and lean to lean on you more. It could bring you closer together…and then again it could pull you apart. At the end of the day you're the only one that can make this decision…"

Elliot stared at her and let her words sink in. He thought about how much he loved Olivia and how he didn't want to lose her now that he finally had her. It didn't seem fair that after all this time they would get together but only while she was sick. It didn't make any sense to him at all.

He wanted to be honest with Olivia. He wanted to turn a new leaf and start expressing himself in other ways than being angry and aggressive. But it was proving to be harder than it seemed especially in this situation.

* * *

><p>Back at the apartment, Olivia was lying on the couch trying to ignore the pounding in her head. She knew Elliot was right…she should have gone to the hospital but she felt like it was easier to be stubborn then to give in. She was just about to closer her eyes when she heard a knock on the door.<p>

She slowly pulled herself up off the couch and walked to the door, when she opened it she was surprised to see Cragen standing there. "Captain. What are you doing here?"

He shrugged. "I realized I hadn't seen you lately…thought I'd come pay you a visit. Can I come in?"

She looked back at the living room and tried to think of a reason to turn him away, but she didn't want to be rude. "Yeah. Sure. Come in."

She stepped aside and let him walk in past her and over to the couch. "So…how's everything going? How are you feeling?"

She licked her lips and sat down on the recliner next to him. "Oh…I'm alright."

He glanced at her forehead and saw the raw looking cut just at her hairline. "Really…because you don't look so good."

She rolled her eyes. "Gee thanks…let me guess, Elliot called you and told you about how I passed out."

He sighed and leaned back on the couch. "Nothing gets past you. I must have trained you well."

She laughed and pulled her legs up on the chair against her chest and rested her chin on her knees. "You must have…"

He glanced up at her forehead. "What happened there?"

She put her fingers on the wound and winced at how tender it was. "I uh…I wasn't feeling that well this morning and I fell and hit my head. Its no big deal though…"

He cleared his throat and tried to smile. "Well you know you should still probably get it checked out. Just to be safe…"

She laughed and shook her head. "You sound like Elliot…"

He smiled sadly at her and shrugged. "Well we both care about you and want to make sure you are alright."

She sighed and closed her eyes. "Have you talked to Elliot lately?"

Cragen nodded. "He came down to the precinct yesterday when you were getting treatments. He looked pretty worn out…"

She bit her lip and put her feet back on the ground. "I don't think I've been very nice to him lately."

"Well you're going through a lot." Cragen said shrugging. "It makes sense for you to upset about what's going…no one said it was going to be easy."

She brushed some hair out of her face and whispered. "I love Elliot. I really do…but I feel like he's smothering me."

Cragen cleared his throat and moved to sit on the edge of the couch. "I think you are being a little hard on him…"

She grimaced. "I know. But…I feel like he is babying me. Its like he's walking around on eggshells."

"Maybe because he's afraid you're going to yell at him…" He said smirking at her.

She sighed and stood up as she walked towards the window. "I feel like…it's to hard ya know? This is just the beginning of our relationship and we aren't connecting the way we should be. I don't feel happy like I should and its not Elliot's fault. He's great…but I just feel so disconnected from my own self which make sit impossible to connect to him."

"Well your body is going through a lot of changes." Cragen said gently. "It makes sense that you are trying to adjust to this all. But…I think the worst thing you could do would be to push Elliot away."

She turned back to him with a small frown. "I don't want to push him away…now that I finally have him I don't want to lose him."

He stood up and walked towards smiling sympathetically. "You know…when I was still drinking I pushed away all the people that meant anything to me. And it wasn't about them it was about me. I was so angry at the world because I felt like it was everyone else's fault that I was drinking but in reality it was my fault."

Olivia stared at him for a moment. "Are you saying it's my fault that I got cancer?"

He shook his head. "No. No not at all. I'm just saying that it's easier to blame other people for what we are going through than to accept its all a part of life. It isn't fair that you got sick…but it's the reality of your situation right now. But pushing Elliot away will only make things worse don't you think? Then you'll be sick and alone…"

She felt tears burning in her eyes just at the thought of losing him. "I know…but I'm just so scared Don. I don't know what's going on with me anymore…I hate not being in control of my life anymore. I'm so lost…"

He walked all the way up to her and put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder. "That's okay. No one expects you to be okay right now Olivia…"

A few tears escaped her eyes and she tried to wipe them away. "I'm really scared."

Cragen sighed and pulled her in for a hug as he rubbed her back. "We all are…"

She rested her head on his shoulder. "I don't want to die."

He pulled away from her slowly and tried to smile at her. "Olivia…you need to stop jumping to conclusions. And you need to live in the moment…it's okay for you to get upset and to express your feelings but don't lose the one person who loves you more than anything else. You guys have waited so long to be together and it isn't fair that this is how you relationship is starting out but we can't change it."

She sighed and wiped more tears away. "So what do I do? How do I not push him away even further?"

He inhaled gently and said, "You need to understand that you aren't the only that is being affected by this. You need to respect Elliot's feelings…he's probably scared too. He loves you and he doesn't like to see you in pain."

"God he's trying so hard…" She said walking over to the couch and sitting down. "I've been horrible…"

Cragen walked over to her and sat down putting an arm around her. "He loves you. He knows how difficult this is for you…so why don't you tell him how you feel about being sick and how important he is to you."

"You think he'll forgive me?" She asked nervously.

Cragen smiled and rubbed her back gently. "There is nothing to forgive…"

She sighed and rested her head on his shoulder again. "I really love him Cap…"

He rested his cheek against the top of her head and nodded. "I know Liv. I know…"

"This wasn't the way it was supposed to be when we got together…" She said starting to cry again as he comforted her.

"No one saw this coming." He said pulling her a little closer. "But its life…and you're going to get through this."

She pulled away and stared at him hopefully. "Do you really believe that?"

Cragen smiled and nodded his head. "I do. You're too good of a person to have your life end this way…"

She licked her lips and nodded. "I really hope you are right."

Cragen smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "Let's just take one day at a time okay? You're thinking to far into the future and its only going to make you crazy."

She took a shaky breath and smiled. "Okay."

He stood up and smiled as he held out his hand for her. "Come on. Let's take you to the hospital and just make sure that everything's alright."

She inhaled sharply and let him pull her up to her feet. She still felt really emotionally drained but she felt that she was over thinking things. When Elliot got home later she was going to have a long talk with him and make sure he understood just how much she appreciated all he was doing for her.

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><p>A few hours later Olivia was sitting on the couch folding some laundry and waiting for Elliot to come home. She had gone to the hospital with Cragen to get checked out, she didn't have a concussion but they had cleaned up her cut and put a bandage over it. She was thinking really hard about what she was going to say to Elliot when he came home.<p>

When the door opened and he walked in she felt her heart pace quicken. She stood up and walked around the couch as he smiled at her.

"Hey…" She whispered nervously.

He took his coat off and hung it in the hallway before turning back to her and smiling. "Hey…"

She took a deep breath and walked towards him. "Um…how was your appointment? You've been gone for awhile."

He walked to the kitchen to get a bottle of water before answering. "It was good. I decided to go see Eli for a little bit just to clear my head before I came back."

She could sense that he was still kind of upset and she was beginning to feel scared again. "Listen Elliot I…" She sighed and walked all the way into the kitchen as her hands began to shake. "I'm so sorry about this morning…I know you were only trying to be supportive and I just…I was being a jerk."

He leaned against the counter and opened the water. "It's alright. I know you're going through a lot. And no…I don't understand how you feel. I could never understand how you feel unless I was sick too…"

She licked her lips and sat down at the counter. "But I still shouldn't have treated you that way. You've been nothing but good to me since this all started and I'm just pushing you away because I'm angry that I'm sick."

He laughed sadly and took a sip. "Yeah well I'm pretty pissed about you being sick too. I hate seeing you in pain…"

She smiled gently and leaned her elbows on the counter. "Do you want to talk about it?" She asked nervously. "I mean…I know you normally don't like to talk about things but it might make you feel better."

He smiled and walked into the living room. "Yeah. I think that would be a good idea. Come here…"

She turned on the stool and walked towards him before sitting down on the couch beside him. "Hi…"

He looked deep into her eyes and put his hand in her hair, touching her bandage gently. "I'm glad you went to get checked out. Everything okay?"

She nodded slowly. "No concussion. They said if I was feeling dizzy again though I should go in and see Dr. Cooper. It's one of the side effects of the treatments…"

He let his hand slide down to her shoulder as he began to rub it gently. "You know I just want what's best for you right? I wanted to make sure that you were okay…"

She sighed and nodded her head. "I know. But I just…God El I hate this. I want my old life back ya know?"

He nodded his head and leaned back on the couch. "Yeah I know…"

"But I'm not being sensitive to how you feel about all this. So…how are you feeling? Not just about this but about being back…" She asked nervously.

He sighed and pushed away from her a little to get more comfortable. "Well…I'm scared I'm going to lose you. I'm angry that you are sick and that this is how the beginning of our relationship is. I'm sad that you are in pain and upset…and I feel frustrated that I can't make you better. I'm confused about what I'm supposed to do now that I'm not at the precinct and I'm still trying to forgive myself for killing Jenna."

She pulled her legs up on the couch and leaned on the arm of the couch across from him. "Well that's a lot of feelings to have all at once."

He laughed and nodded. "You're not kidding…"

She leaned her head against the back of the couch and smiled. "So what can I do to help you?"

He shook his head and leaned forward to squeeze her leg. "You don't have to help me Olivia. You have your own problems to deal with…"

She nodded and laughed. "Well you have your own problems to deal with too El and yet you are here helping me. So…let me help you."

He swallowed hard and leaned back again. "I guess…I guess what I need from you is to understand that I'm trying my best here. I've never really been in a situation like this before and I don't know how to handle it. I'm not always going to say the right thing…but I need you to be patient with me."

She nodded and started to scoot closer to him. "I can do that…or I can try anyway."

He reached over and took her hand as he smiled. "Olivia…I love you more than anything in this world and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose you. Not just if we broke up over our fighting but because…well…because you could die."

She swallowed hard and leaned into him. "I know."

He pulled her up against him and kissed the top of her head. "The thing is…its kind of like the roles are reversed with us. You know what I mean?"

She turned her head in the crook of his neck to look up at him. "What do you mean?"

He laughed and smiled down at her. "Well normally you're the one comforting me while I freak out about stuff ya know?"

She laughed and snuggled into him more. "I guess you're right…I never really thought about it that way."

He squeezed her shoulder gently before saying, "This isn't going to be the only time you are frustrated or that I don't know what to say to make you feel better. We're going to fight and feelings are going to be hurt but…we need to stick together."

She sat up and turned to look at him as she smiled. "Who are you and what have you done with Elliot Stabler?"

He laughed and cupped her face gently. "This whole therapy thing has really been a help. Jen has really taught me to sort through my problems and see your point of view."

She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him gently. "Elliot…most people in your situation would have run for the hills. I mean…we just started dating. It's not like we've been together forever and you owe me anything…"

He laughed gently. "We haven't been dating forever…but we've kind of been together forever. Or as long as we've known each other don't you think? I'd never leave you when you needed me most Olivia…"

"Well I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to leave…" She whispered. "I know I haven't been the best partner. I mean we haven't had sex in three weeks…and it's not you. I just…I really don't feel comfortable in my own skin ya know? I don't feel like it is possible to be intimate…"

He shrugged. "Live of course I want to be with you like that…but what I want more than anything else is for you to be safe and healthy. We have the rest of our lives to be together like that."

"But what if we don't have the rest of our lives?" She asked sadly feeling the tears burn in her eyes.

He sighed and pulled her up against him letting her rest his head on his shoulder. "One day at a time…remember?"

She wrapped her arm around his stomach and held him close. "I don't want to lose you…"

He wrapped his other arm around her and rested his head against hers. "You won't. No matter what happens I'm going to be here Liv…"

"I don't know how but we're going to get through this right?" She asked feeling a little better now that he was home.

"Yeah. Yeah we are…" He said kissing her head again. "We really are…"

She closed her eyes and breathed him in letting her fear wash away. She had no idea what was going to happen or how much longer she was going to be able to handle treatments. But she knew that as long as she had Elliot she would be able to keep pushing forward. 

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><p><strong>I hope you guys liked the chapter :) I'll try and update soon. <strong>


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey guys :) Hope you like the new chapter. Just to let everyone know, I might be chanigng my penname soon because I'm kind of tired of this one and it is really old. I'll let you know before hand though so you can look for the new name. :) Don't forget to drop a review and let me know what you think. **

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><p>A few weeks later, Olivia was fast asleep in bed after a particularly rough day. She had had radiation the day before and afterwards was feeling very sick. Her skin was irritated and raw, she felt nauseas and had a terrible headache. When Elliot picked her up and brought her home, she went to bed immediately too tired to face the rest of the day.<p>

She had slept straight through the night and didn't even wake up when Elliot made dinner. She rolled over in bed and looked at the clock, it was 8:30. She yawned and sat up just as Elliot walked into the bedroom, he smiled softly at her.

"Good morning…" He whispered sitting on the edge of the bed.

She rubbed her eyes and leaned forward to kiss his shoulder. "Good morning."

He put his hands in her hair and rubbed her scalp gently as she leaned on him. "You had me worried there…you've been sleeping forever."

She sighed and closed her eyes as she scooted closer to him. "I know…I can't help it. It makes me so tired…"

He kissed the top of her head and nodded. "I know. But you need to eat something…to keep your strength up."

She pulled away from him and smiled sadly. "I love you."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her lips gently. "I love you too." He watched her pull all the way away from him and lifted her legs to put her feet on the cold floor. "I made some eggs and bacon…you gonna come out and eat now?"

She nodded and shivered as she reached for her sweatshirt on the nearby chair. "Yeah…just let me wash my face."

Elliot nodded and got up to walk out of the bedroom and into the kitchen. Olivia padded into the bathroom and leaned against the sink to look at herself in the mirror. She squinted at her reflection, sometimes it was hard to recognize herself these days but Elliot somehow always managed to make her feel beautiful even though she didn't feel that way anymore.

She sighed and reached for a facecloth to wash her face before walking back through the bedroom and into the kitchen. Elliot smiled at her and put her food on a plate before sliding it onto the counter as she sat on the stool.

"You want some juice?" He asked walking towards the fridge.

Olivia nodded as she picked up her fork and scooped up some scrambled eggs. "Yes please. This is great…thanks El."

He took out the carton of orange juice and winked at her as he poured her a glass and brought it too her. "Don't mention it."

Olivia smiled as he made up a plate for himself and joined her at the counter. "So…what did you do yesterday while I slept?" She teased.

He chuckled and took a bite out of his bacon. "Uh well…I went for a run. Grabbed lunch with Fin and Munch and watched a couple of movies."

Olivia smiled at him as she took a sip of her juice. "You had lunch with Fin and Munch?"

He laughed. "Yes…is that okay?"

She nodded and put the glass down. "Of course! I think it's great actually. You know…ever since you came back I felt like you were avoiding them. But…it's nice that you spent some time with them."

Elliot shrugged. "Yeah well…it was good just to be with the guys. They asked a lot of questions about you."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Of course they did."

"They just want to make sure you're doing alright." He said softly.

She smiled and nodded. "I know…"

"Speaking of concerned friends…" He started as he got up to pour himself a cup of coffee.

She raised an eyebrow and scooped up some more of her eggs. "Oh no…what did you do?"

He chuckled. "I didn't do anything." He said sitting down across from her again and taking a sip of his coffee. "This one you can blame on Casey."

She put her elbow on the counter and leaned her chin against her hand. "Okay…so what's going on?"

"Casey is taking you out today." He said taking another bite of bacon. "She told me not to tell you where you were going but that you'll enjoy it."

Olivia squinted at him. "You know I hate surprises Elliot…"

He chuckled softly. "Yes. I know."

"So how about you just tell me what this is all about?" She asked leaning into him with a small smile on her face.

He smirked. "I've been sworn to secrecy. But I think you'll have a good day."

She sighed and sat back. "What time do I have to be ready?"

"Casey said she wanted you down in the lobby at ten. So why don't you finish eating breakfast and then you can get ready…" Elliot said looking back at his plate.

She pouted sadly. "You're really not going to tell me?"

He looked back up at her and stared at her for a moment before answering. "Uh…no."

She rolled her eyes and threw a piece of bacon at him. "Jerk."

He caught it in his hand and popped it into his mouth. "You love me…"

Olivia smirked, unable to deny that. She continued to eat her breakfast and hoped that whatever Casey had in store for her wasn't too terrible.

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><p>At ten, Olivia kissed Elliot goodbye and took the elevator down to the lobby where Casey, Melinda and Alex were waiting for her.<p>

Olivia smiled. "Hey…Elliot only said I was meeting Casey. I didn't know you were all going to be here!"

They all took turns hugging her before Casey said. "Well I organized it but we're all going together."

"Going where exactly?" Olivia asked putting her hands on her hips.

"Well today is what we would like to call a girls day…" Alex said with an excited smile on her face.

"And that entails?" She asked turning to Melinda.

"We figured with all the treatments and crap you are going through you needed a day to just relax." Melinda said shrugging. "So we're going to the spa for the day."

Olivia's eyes lit up. "The spa? Really?"

Alex nodded. "Yup. Full body massages, mud baths, facials…the works."

Olivia sighed happily. "Well…I can honestly say this is exactly what I need."

Casey walked over to her and looped her arm with Olivia's. "Yes it is. And we have the whole day ahead of us…no guys…just girls, relaxation and lots of gossip."

Olivia chuckled. "That's your way of saying you want to know all about me and Elliot isn't it?"

Casey nodded. "Yup."

Olivia rolled her eyes. "Well then what are we waiting for?"

The girls smiled and started to make their way out of the apartment complex and out to the car. Olivia couldn't wait to be pampered and to have a minute to finally relax and clear her mind. This was going to be perfect…

It was Saturday morning and so Elliot was going to spend the day with the twins and Eli. He showered and got ready before driving to his old house to pick up the kids. Walking up to the front door he was about to knock when the door opened wide and Eli launched himself out the front door and into Elliot's arms.

"Whoa!" Elliot said laughing as he lifted Eli up. "How are you doing buddy?"

Eli smiled and leaned back to look at his Dad. "Good. What are we doing today?"

"I don't know. I was going to ask you guys what you wanted to do. Any ideas?" Elliot asked as he stepped into the foyer.

"I don't care as long as we get to spend the whole day with you." Eli said happily.

Elliot's heart squeezed and he smiled at his son as Dickie walked over to them. "Hey Dad. What's up?"

Elliot placed Eli down on the ground and smiled at his oldest son. "Hey. Not much. Are you ready?"

Dickie nodded and went to grab his coat. "Yeah. Lizzie is with Mom in the kitchen."

Elliot nodded and walked towards the kitchen as Dickie helped Eli with his own coat. "Hey Dad!" Lizzie said as she got up from the table.

He smiled and hugged her as she walked over to him. "Hey sweetie. How are you?"

"I'm good. Let me just run upstairs and get my sweater, then I'll be ready to go." Lizzie said running down the hall.

Elliot watched her walk away before turning back to Kathy who was cleaning up the kitchen. "Hey Kathy."

She smiled at him as she wiped her hands with a towel. "Hey. How are you?"

He shrugged. "Fine."

Kathy laughed and leaned her elbows on the counter as she stared at her ex-husband. "You were always a terrible liar."

Elliot sighed and put his hands in his pockets. "What am I lying about?"

Kathy tried to smile at him. "How's everything going with Olivia?"

He shrugged. "You know she's tired…but she's hanging in there."

"And what about you? How are you handling everything? I know it can't be easy…" Kathy whispered.

Elliot smiled sadly. "I just want her to be okay."

Kathy nodded and stood back up. "I know…and you're being so strong Elliot. I mean you've clearly come a long way in a short period of time."

He looked down. "I'm trying…"

"I can tell." She said walking around the counter. "I'm proud of you Elliot."

He looked back up at her and took a deep breath. "Thanks Kathy…I uh…" He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I've been going to counseling and it's been helping a lot. And…I wanted to apologize."

She shook her head. "Elliot you don't have too-"

"I should have treated you better." He said softly feeling embarrassed. "Maybe we should have gotten divorced a long time ago…you would have been able to move on with your life."

Kathy shrugged and crossed her arms. "Elliot…no relationship is perfect. It's okay. I'm not mad at you and I don't' regret any of the time we spent together. Good or bad. And if you need me now…I'm here. Okay?"

He sighed in relief and walked towards her, pulling her in for a hug. "Thank you."

She hugged him back. "Don't mention it." She pulled away just as the kids were walking into the kitchen. "You guys have fun and I'll see you at six."

"Bye Mom." The kids all said as they walked back down the hallway with Elliot towards the front door.

* * *

><p>An hour later, Olivia was lying face down on the massage table wrapped in a towel. She sighed happily as the masseuse started to rub warm oils into her skin, she instantly began to relax under her touch. Casey was beside her getting her own massage and she turned her head towards her.<p>

"So…how are you feeling?" Casey asked tentatively, she didn't want to ruin Olivia's relaxing time but she hadn't really had any time to talk to her about anything lately.

Olivia opened her eyes and turned her head to look at Casey. "I have good days and bad days ya know? I'm really just trying to take one day at a time…"

"Well you look good." Casey said smiling. "All things considering…"

Olivia laughed and closed her eyes trying to relax as she continued to get massaged. "Thanks. I'm trying to keep appearances up…"

"How's everything going with Elliot? Fin said he's been seeing a counselor." Casey said.

Olivia turned her head back to her. "Yeah. It seems to really be helping him too…he seems calmer ya know? He doesn't get so worked up like he used too."

"That's good." Casey said readjusting on the table. "And how are you guys getting along? Must be hard to deal with all of this when you're just starting a relationship."

Olivia sighed gently feeling her muscles relaxing slowly. "No…it's not ideal. But we're making it work. He's been so amazing…even when I push him away. I honestly don't think that I would be able to do this if I didn't have his help…"

Casey smiled at her friend. "It's been a long time coming…you two I mean. I don't know what took you so long."

Olivia laughed. "Yeah well we're both pretty stubborn…"

"That's for sure." Casey said closing her eyes and enjoying her own massage. "Are you happy with him?"

Olivia sunk deeper into the massage table and inhaled deeply. "I've honestly never been happier Casey. I really do love him…"

Casey turned back to her. "Good. You need something positive in your life right now and he clearly is that one thing."

Olivia smiled back and then put her head down and finally let herself fully relax. Even in just this short time she was beginning to feel less stressed and comfortable in her own skin again.

Elliot and the kids were at the arcade, Lizzie was with Eli playing a game and Dickie was shooting hoops in a basketball contest with his Dad.

"I'm kicking your but." Dickie said as he continued to make baskets.

Elliot threw another ball and it rolled around the rim before falling out again. "I haven't been practicing much."

Dickie chuckled and made another basket. "Clearly. Your form is sloppy."

Elliot finally made another basket and laughed. "Hey…I taught you how to shoot a basket in the first place. So the only reason you are winning is because of me."

Dickie made another basket just as the buzzer went off signaling the end of the match. "Yeah well…I still beat you."

Elliot laughed and nudged his son playfully. "So you did…" They started to walk towards the food counter together. "How's everything with you?"

Dickie shrugged. "Fine. No complaints really."

"How's school? You had that big calculus test last week didn't you?" Elliot asked grabbing two sodas for them and throwing down some money.

Dickie took one from him and nodded as he unscrewed the top. "Yeah. I got a B on it. Lizzie got an A of course…"

Elliot smiled; he knew that Dickie hated it when Lizzie did better than him on tests which was pretty much all the time. "Well I'm proud of you for getting a B. You should be happy with that."

Dickie took a sip and nodded. "I am. But just once…I'd like to beat Lizzie at something."

"You're so competitive." Elliot said laughing as they went to sit on the stools in the corner.

Dickie rolled his eyes. "And where do you think I get it from Pops?"

Elliot shrugged and lifted the bottle. "Touché."

Dickie looked over at Lizzie and Eli who were playing air hockey before talking to his Dad again. "How's Olivia doing?"

Elliot nodded slowly and put his soda down. "She's alright. Treatments make her pretty tired but she's hanging in there."

Dickie nodded. "She's tough…doesn't look like the kind of person that would just give up that easily."

Elliot shook his head. "No. She isn't."

Dickie rubbed the back of his head just like Elliot did when he was nervous. "Can I ask you something?"

Elliot turned towards his son and smiled. "Of course. What's on your mind?"

He looked down at the ground; afraid of what his Dad would say when he heard his question. "I know Olivia is strong…and I have faith that she will make it through this." He paused nervously again before continuing. "But if…if it doesn't go well…if she…" He sighed and looked up at his Dad unable to finish that sentence. "Will you leave again?"

Elliot swallowed the soda in his mouth and put it back down. "Dickie…"

"I understand why you left before. I do…I talked to Mom about it. And from what you told us it was a really difficult situation. I get it…but I don't know it was just kind of hard when you left. I'm older now and I did my best to help Mom around the house and be there for Eli and the girls…but it's not the same." Dickie said shaking his head sadly.

Elliot stared at his son and for the first time he realized just how grown up he was now, he wasn't the little boy Elliot had always seen him as. He had often thought about what had happened when he left, how Kathy had dealt with the kids and how the kids felt about him. But now he realized there was more than hurt feelings here, the older kids had tried to take his place which wasn't their place or responsibility.

"Dickie…I'm not leaving again." He said leaning into him gently. "I appreciate what you did for with trying to help your Mom but you shouldn't have had too. I know I was going through some problems but I should have dealt with them like a man instead of running away."

Dickie shrugged. "It worked better than you getting mad like you used too. At least you and mom weren't fighting all the time. This way it was more…peaceful."

Elliot sighed again and looked at Eli and Lizzie at the air hockey table. "I've made a lot of mistakes Dickie…and I'm trying to make up for them. I know it's going to take awhile but do you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?"

Dickie smiled at his Dad and nodded his head. "There's nothing to forgive Dad. We all make mistakes…you taught me that. It's okay…I don't blame you for leaving but I'm just saying I'd rather not have you do it again."

Elliot shook his head and put his hand on his sons shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere."

Dickie nodded slowly before whispering nervously. "Even if it doesn't work out with Olivia?"

Elliot swallowed hard and tried to shake the thought of Olivia dying from his mind. "I won't lie to you…if these treatments don't work and Olivia…" He paused again and looked down at the ground. "It would kill me…it would actually kill me. But…I know now that I need my family to keep going…Olivia taught me that."

Dickie nodded and looked over at his soda on the counter. "Olivia has always been really good to us. Always sent birthday presents…picked us up if you and Mom couldn't. She's always been like family…"

Elliot nodded slowly and smiled thinking about her. "She cares about you kids a lot."

"Lizzie and I asked Father O'Conner to put her in the prayers for Sunday service." Dickie said softly as he shrugged. "We thought maybe it would help…"

Elliot reached over and squeezed his son's hand. "It will definitely help."

Dickie nodded slowly before looking back at his Dad. "Are you okay?"

Elliot inhaled gently and tried to smile. "No. But…I will be. At least I think I will."

Dickie watched his Dad and tried to understand the pain he was going through at the moment. "I uh…I know I'm still just a kid in your eyes but I uh…I'm here if you want to talk about anything."

Elliot smiled at his son and laughed. "When did you get so grown up?"

Shrugging, Dickie smirked in the way that his father did. "I don't know…"

"Well…" Elliot said standing up and slapping Dickie on the back gently. "I appreciate it buddy and I'll keep that in mind. Thank you."

Dickie stood up and took his Dad's lead as they walked towards Lizzie and Eli. "You're welcome."

Lizzie smiled at her Dad and her brother as they walked towards them. "Well…Eli successfully kicked my but in this round."

Eli smiled up at his Dad triumphantly. "I won!"

Elliot chuckled and scooped up his youngest son and held him close. "Good job Eli! How about we get some ice cream to celebrate?"

"Can we get sundaes?" Eli asked hopefully.

All three children looked at him hopefully and Elliot caved. "As long as you promise to keep it a secret from your Mom. She'll kill me for giving you ice cream before you had dinner tonight."

"Our lips are sealed." Eli said shutting his mouth and motioning to zip up his lips.

Elliot laughed and shook his head as they walked out of the arcade together and back onto the street. Today was turning out to be a very good day…

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><p>Back at the spa, Olivia and the girls were wrapped in their warm robes and getting pedicures. They each had a drink and food at their side and they were gossiping together, Olivia hadn't laughed this much in a long time. It was the best medicine she could possibly have been given…<p>

"So Olivia…" Alex said smirking at her as she lifted her drink to her lips. "Tell us all about Elliot."

Olivia groaned and rolled her eyes. "Oh here we go…"

"Come on!" Casey said impatiently. "Do you know how long we've all been waiting for this to happen? For all you two put us through…we deserve to hear all the juicy details!"

"All we put you guys through?" Olivia asked raising an eyebrow. "What does that mean?"

Melinda sighed. "Oh come on…the way you too flirted made me want to puke sometimes and I work in a Morgue for God sakes! My tolerance level is usually pretty high."

Her cheeks turned red and she shook her head. "I don't know what you are talking about…" Olivia whispered.

Alex giggled. "You two have been dancing around each other for years. There was a couple of times where I thought…maybe just maybe they'll finally admit their feelings to each other but you never did. Not for thirteen years…"

"Thirteen long years…" Casey said leaning towards Olivia again. "So come on! Tell us all about it! I know you said he makes me happy…but I mean how's the…" She smirked and laughed again. "How's the sex?"

"Be more blunt why don't you!" Olivia said laughing along with the other girls.

Casey rolled her eyes and lifted her drink up off the side table. "Tell us the scoop or I'm going to keep asking. In fact…I'll ask Elliot all about it next time I see him."

Olivia glared at her. "You're evil…"

"Start talking lady…" Casey said laughing.

Olivia groaned and rested her head on the back of the chair. "Okay fine…fine I'll tell you about it. But once I do you can't mention anything to Elliot!"

"Is it that bad?" Casey teased looking at Melinda, Alex and then back at Olivia.

"No!" Olivia said shaking her head. "No…no it's not bad. It's definitely not bad…" She said as the smile began to grow on her lips.

Alex smirked and got more comfortable in her seat. "So it's that good then?"

Olivia sighed happily and closed her eyes. "Best I've ever had in fact."

Casey laughed. "Probably all that built up sexual tension over the last thirteen years...and Elliot well lets just say he's not a bad looking fella…"

Olivia threw a cracker at her from beside her on the table. "Hey! That's my boyfriend you are talking about!"

"Aw…" Alex said happily. "You called him your boyfriend!"

Olivia grimaced; she hated being questioned about her personal life. "Okay you know what I changed my mind…I don't want to talk about this anymore." She said laughing and shaking her head.

"Okay…" Casey said laughing more softly. "Sorry we're just teasing."

Olivia licked her lips and turned back to her friends. "It's weird ya know…we've been friends and partners at work for so long I thought it would be strange being together. But…it's not. Despite everything that's going on with me…and with him he just seems so different."

Melinda shrugged gently. "Well he loves you…"

Olivia smiled and nodded her head. "I know. At least I do now anyway…" She sighed and looked back at her toes that the woman was painting. "The sex is great…it is. I feel bad though because lately we haven't really done anything…I'm worried he's going to get bored."

Alex shook her head adamantly. "No way. Elliot's waited this long to be with you, he's not about to let you go so easily. And besides…he knows how hard this is on you. He knows that you love him but you're going through a lot physically…and emotionally. No one would expect you to want to be intimate all the time…"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah but…the beginning of a relationship is so important ya know? It's about getting to know each other…more intimately."

"You have all the time in the world for that…" Melinda said smiling at her. "When all this is over…"

Olivia tried to smile. "I guess you're right…I just wish I could do something for him. He's been so good to me…cooking for me and taking care of me and I haven't been able to do anything for him."

"Who says you can't?" Melinda asked smiling.

Olivia turned towards her again. "What do you mean?"

"Well Elliot's with his kids today right?" Melinda asked as Olivia nodded. "You'll probably get home before him…why not make a romantic dinner just for the two of you and let him know how much you care. You don't have to do anything besides the dinner but if you want to…you can. Just make a night of it…pamper him a little."

Olivia's smile grew on her face. "That actually sounds like a good idea…"

"I think Melinda is right. It will be good for him and you as a couple. You've been so stressed out lately and you just need some time together that's relaxing." Alex said nodding her head in agreement.

Olivia sighed happily and leaned her head back on the chair again. "Lord knows he deserves it…"

"You both deserve it." Casey said leaning over to squeeze her hand again.

Olivia looked at her three best friends and laughed. "Thank you so much for today. I just…I've been trying to hold it together and this was exactly what I needed. I don't know what I would do without all your support."

Casey smiled gently. "We told you we'd be here for anything you need."

"In fact…" Alex said with a smile, "I think we need to do this more often. Don't you think?"

Olivia nodded happily. "I couldn't agree more."

The girls all raised their glasses and made a toast to themselves, health, happiness and friends. Olivia was finally beginning to feel like her old self again…

* * *

><p>At 6:45, Elliot walked into the apartment with a huge smile on his face. He had had a great day with his kids and couldn't wait to see Olivia. He walked in the door and heard music playing and noticed that the lights were dim. He took his coat off and walked further into the apartment looking for Olivia.<p>

"Liv?" He called out as he hung his coat on the hook.

She walked out of the kitchen with two glasses of wine. "Welcome home."

Elliot stared at her in disbelief, for week snow he had been watching her fade away before his eyes. She had been looking so tired and afraid but right now in front of him she was confident and happy. She had a pair of jeans on, bare feet and one of his dress shirts, which she had said she felt comfortable in. Her hair was down and flowing over her shoulders and she had no make up on. She looked absolutely radiant in his eyes.

He couldn't contain the smile on his face. "What's all this?"

Olivia shrugged and walked towards him holding out the glass for him. "Well I had an absolutely perfect day and I wanted to have a perfect night. And when I thought about it…I realized you've been doing so much for me and I wanted to do something for you. You know…to say thank you."

She leaned forward and kissed him gently and Elliot sighed happily. "Olivia…"

She smiled as he took the glass from her and she took his other hand and led him towards the coffee table, which she had laid out, with a tablecloth, candles, flowers and two plates full of food waiting for them. "Don't try and argue with me Stabler. You need a relaxing night…"

He chuckled as she pushed him down to sit at the table. "This looks amazing. Thank you…"

She smiled and knelt down on the other side of the table and smiled at him. "How was your day with the kids?"

Elliot sighed happily. "It was great. The more I hang out with them, the more I realize how much I missed them when I left."

Olivia set her glass down and reached across the table to squeeze his hand. "Good. I'm glad you had a fun day."

He took a sip of his wine and smiled at her. "What about you? How was the spa?"

Olivia beamed and smiled. "It was perfect. So relaxing."

"So it was a good surprise then?" He asked reaching for his fork suddenly feeling very hungry.

"The best." Olivia said winking at him.

He winked back and they started to eat their dinner, talking about the kids and her day with the girls. It felt like old times when they would grab dinner after a hard case, they didn't talk about her being sick or why he had left for awhile. They just felt normal…which is exactly what they needed.

After dinner, Olivia put the dishes in the sink not wanting to bother with them at the moment. Elliot was sitting on the floor still watching her as he drank another glass of wine. She smiled and walked back over to him, bringing the wine bottle with her and pushing him forward so she could sit behind him.

"What are you doing?" He asked laughing as he felt her hands on his back and shoulders.

"Giving you a massage." She whispered leaning down to kiss the top of his head.

He smiled and leaned into her touch. "Mmm…haven't you done enough for me tonight?"

She shook her head and continued to massage his shoulders. "Definitely not. I've been focusing so much on me that I haven't been paying that much attention to you."

Elliot shook his head and put his arm back to reach for one of her hands. "We should be focusing all our attention on you Liv. Don't you worry about me…"

She leaned down and kissed the side of his face gently. "I'm not worried about you…but I just want to show my appreciation for everything you've been doing for me."

Elliot pushed away from her slowly and sat beside her on the couch, he reached over and cupped her face gently. "Olivia…I keep saying it but I really want you to know that I love you. And that no matter what happens I'm here…I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again. "I know you aren't. And I love you for that…but I think I've been so wrapped up in everything going on with me that I've lost sight of the good things in my life. And the best thing…is you."

He cocked his head to the side and smiled. "Well that means a lot."

She leaned in and kissed him again and pulled away slowly, holding her face just an inch from his. "Lately I haven't felt that confident in myself…I haven't felt comfortable in my body. But I had such an amazing day and…I almost feel like my old self again. And I miss you…"

He swallowed hard and breathed her in as she nuzzled the side of her face. "I'm right here…"

She bit down on his ear gently and smirked. "I know. And I want to take full advantage of that fact."

He gasped as her teeth ran across his ear lobe again. "Liv…it's okay. We don't have too." She pulled back to look at him and he smiled. "Don't get me wrong…I want too. But don't feel like you have to."

Olivia smiled and traced the side of his face and kissed him again. "I don't feel like I have to. I want to…I want you."

He licked his lips and leaned forward again and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. Her body pressed against his and she hesitated at first, he pulled away slowly and started to unbutton her shirt.

"You look so damn sexy in my shirt…" He whispered huskily.

Olivia laughed and let him push her back on the couch shivering as his cool hands touched her warm skin for the first time in a long time. "I thought you'd like it…"

He pushed the shirt away and saw her bra, her skin on her chest looked a little red but she still looked perfect to him. He leaned down slowly and kissed the area on her chest most affected and then smiled up at her.

"Perfect." He whispered softly.

Olivia cupped his face and felt tears prickling in her eyes. "God I love you…"

He leaned down to kiss her as she slid her hands under the back of his shirt. She giggled as he nuzzled the side of her face, his stubble tickling the side of her face. He laughed and stood up pulling her up off the couch with him making her scream playfully as he lifted her up and threw her over his shoulder.

"Come on baby…I want to top off the perfect day by making love to my beautiful girlfriend." He said walking towards the bedroom.

She squealed as he slapped her ass and his shirt slid off her arms and onto the floor. This was the first day in months that she hadn't been consumed by thoughts of cancer and death. She felt so alive and free; she didn't want today to end. She had never been happier…

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you liked it :) Let me know! I'll try and update as soon as I can. <strong>


	16. Chapter 16

Three weeks later, Olivia was walking out of another radiation treatment into the hospital waiting room. The past few days had been rough, she had been feeling extremely sick with constant headaches and nausea. She had had stabbing pains in her chest that were getting worse by the day but she tried to remain positive. She smiled when she saw Fin sitting in the waiting room where she had expected to see Elliot.

"Hey…what are you doing here?" Olivia as they hugged, she could tell he was trying to be gentle with her when eh didn't hug her tightly as he normally did.

"The school nurse called saying Eli needed to be picked up, he had a fever. Kathy couldn't leave work so Elliot called to see if I could take you home." He said shrugging.

Olivia smiled at him. "Well I'm glad to see you…but you didn't have to ruin your day by coming to get me. I could have called a cab…"

Fin shook his head and smiled. "Please…I've been wanting to hang out with you anyway and I had the day off."

Olivia licked her lips and looped her arm with his. "Alright then…where to Mr. Tutuola?"

"Wanna grab something to eat? Munch said he'd meet us for lunch if you were up for it." He said as they started to walk towards the elevator.

Olivia smiled and let him lead her down the hallway. "Sounds good to me. I've missed you two…"

Fin smiled as they got into the elevator and rode it downstairs to the lobby. Twenty minutes later they were inside their favorite diner when Munch walked in and over to them.

"There she is." Munch said as Olivia stood up and leaned up to hug him. "How are you Liv?"

Olivia smiled as she sat down again beside Fin in the booth. "Oh I'm great. How are you Munch?"

Munch shrugged and sighed. "Well…now that you and Stabler are not at the precinct I'm stuck with this one…" He said nodding his head towards Fin, "And the two newbie's so…I've been better." He teased.

Olivia chuckled. "That bad huh?"

Fin rolled his eyes. "Please…I'm the one that's suffering here. All day I have to listen to this fools conspiracy theories."

"You've been doing that for years!" Olivia said laughing and leaning back in the booth. "What's changed?"

"I have no one else sane to back me up now." Fin said bitterly.

"He means he has no one to make fun of me with." Munch said glaring at Fin.

Olivia laughed and reached across the table for Munch's hand and squeezed Fin's shoulder with her other hand. "God I've missed you guys…"

Munch smiled and squeezed her hand. "We've missed you too Liv. More than you know."

She sighed and took her hands back. "Well…hopefully I'll be back to work at some point. I miss it."

"Well we will still be there when you are ready to come back. Elliot said he went ot talk to Cragen this week about coming back part time." Fin said to her.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. He wants to try and go back…but do it slowly ya know? He doesn't want to overdo it."

"So counseling is going well then for him?" Munch asked.

She smiled happily. "I think so. He seems more at ease now…and more confident too. I think he's starting to forgive himself for what happened with Jenna which is great."

"Well good. You both deserve to be happy…" Fin said nodding his head.

"We are happy…despite everything that's going on we are happy." She said as the waitress walked over to them.

She took their orders and the three of them chatted for the rest of the afternoon about old times and memories. Olivia felt good being with them again, almost like she was back at work, which is what she wanted more than anything else. When they were done with lunch Munch went back to work and Fin drove Olivia back to her apartment.

She took the elevator up to her floor and walked to her door before walking in to her apartment. She smiled when she saw Elliot walking out of the bedroom and rubbing his head with a towel since he just got out of the shower.

"Hey. Did you have a good time with Fin and Munch?" He asked.

Olivia nodded and took her jacket off. "It was good to see them. How's Eli?"

Elliot shrugged. "He's alright. Kathy got home from work a little while ago and I didn't want to bring him here because of the germs. I didn't want you to get sick."

Olivia smiled at him. "Poor kid…"

Elliot smiled and walked towards the kitchen. "He should be okay. He seemed to be feeling better when I left, he wouldn't stop talking which is usually a good sign."

Olivia laughed and went into the living room and sat down on the couch. "Good."

He got a bottle of water before walking towards her and sitting next to her. "How was your appointment today?"

She rolled her eyes. "Same old, same old. I'm tired but I'm fine…"

He nodded and put a comforting hand on her leg. "Did you talk to Amy about the headaches and the pain in your chest you've been having?"

Olivia nodded and leaned her head on the back of the couch. "Yeah. She said it's a normal side effect but if it gets worse to call her."

He rubbed her leg gently. "Any pain now?"

She shrugged. "Just a bit of a headache at the moment…its not to bad though."

Elliot smiled and pulled her close letting her rest her head on his shoulder; he started to massage her scalp. "Anything I can do to help?"

She sighed happily and leaned further into him. "You're helping already by just being here for me."

He kissed the top of her head and continued to massage her scalp. "Good."

* * *

><p>In the middle of the night, Olivia woke up with a sharp pain in her chest. She jumped slightly but Elliot only rolled onto his stomach and didn't wake up. She sighed and sat up, she pulled her shirt aside and looked down at the red skin of her chest where she had been receiving treatment.<p>

She stood up and walked towards the bathroom, she splashed some cod water on her face and looked up into the mirror. The pain stabbed at her again and she winced slightly before walking back to the bedroom and sitting down on the edge of the bed.

Elliot stirred slowly and looked at her back. "Liv? You okay?"

She licked her lips and turned her head to look at him. "Yeah?"

"You okay?" He said scooting closer to her and kissing her back.

She sighed and pulled her legs up onto the bed and sighed. "I don't know…"

He sat up and put a hand on her back. "What's wrong?"

She closed her eyes as she started to feel dizzy again as she put a hand on her forehead. "I just…I don't feel right."

Elliot looked over at the clock and saw that it was just three in the morning. "Can I get you anything?"

She felt her stomach lurch again and she leaned forward slightly. "I…I don't know. I think…I think I'm okay. You can go back to sleep."

He shook his head and rubbed her back gently. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Tell me what I can do to help you feel better."

She sniffled slightly as tears started to well up in her eyes. "I don't think there is anything you can do…"

He sighed and let her rest her head on his chest as he kissed the back of her neck. "Take a few deep breaths okay? Maybe it will pass…"

She put her hands on her stomach and tried to fight the feeling of needing to throw up. "I hate this…"

Elliot rubbed her back up and down. "I know you do Liv. I know…"

She sighed and leaned further into him trying to feel better. "Can you just talk to me…tell me something that will get my mind off of this?"

He leaned against the back of the headboard and continued to rub her back. "What do you want me to talk about?"

She closed her eyes and shrugged. "Anything."

He smiled and pulled the blanket up over her. "Let's see…what can we talk about? Well…do you want to hear about the dream I had last night?"

Olivia sighed and snuggled into him. "As long as it was a good dream."

Elliot smiled. "It was a very good dream. We were on vacation just you and me…"

She smiled and started to form a picture of it in her head. "Where were we?"

"I don't know exactly where we were but we were on a beach…white sand and clear blue water." He said trying to distract her from her pain. "And it was warm…very warm."

She yawned softly. "That's exactly where I want to be right now."

Elliot laughed. "I know. And when all this is over…I will take you on vacation to somewhere like that. Somewhere warm…some paradise that will make you forget all about this dell you are living in now."

She smiled against his leg. "Promise?"

Elliot nodded and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. "I promise."

She yawned again and tried to think about life after treatments. "What else are we going to do when I'm better?"

Elliot smiled. "If I have it my way…we'll get married."

She was silent for a moment, thinking about what he had said and the turned her head to look at him still leaning against him. "We will?"

He looked down at her and ran his hands through her hair. "That's what I want. What do you want?"

She moved more so she could stare up at him and lean up to cup his face. "I want to marry you…"

He turned his face so that he could kiss her hand gently. "Should I buy you a ring then?"

Olivia laughed and sat up slowly. "I think we should wait…just a little while anyway."

He leaned forward and kissed the side of her face again. "Do you feel any better?"

She sighed and moved to lay her head on her pillow. "Not really…"

He lay down beside her so they could be face to face. "You know I wish I could make this all go away don't you?"

She smiled at him and reached over to touch his cheek gently. "I know El. But this is something I would never want you to go through…"

He sighed and pulled her up against him again and went back to rubbing her back. "Try and sleep Liv…you need rest."

Her eyes closed as she leaned into him again and she slowly started to drift off to sleep. As uncomfortable and as sick as she was feeling, as long as she was in Elliot's arms she knew she would be okay.

The next morning, Olivia woke up again feeling more pain in her chest. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Elliot was still asleep beside her and she didn't want to wake him up just yet. She stood up and placed her feet on the cold wooden floor, she felt the blood rush to her head and everything started to spin.

She tried to grab onto the bedpost to steady herself but she was too late and she fell and whacked her head on the table. Elliot woke up with a start and looked over to the side of the bed noticing that Olivia wasn't there. He sat up quickly and looked over the side of the bed and saw Olivia sprawled out on the ground, bleeding from her head again.

His heart dropped into his stomach and he jumped off the bed and fell to the floor beside her. "Liv? Liv?" He asked pulling her head up to his lap. "Olivia?"

She didn't answer this time and he cursed under his breath before reaching for the phone on the bedside table. He called 911 and told them what happened before turning back to Olivia and trying to cradle her head in his hands.

"I'm here Olivia…I'm here…" She was still breathing but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. "Hang on…just hang on for me okay?"

* * *

><p>Twenty minutes later he was walking into the hospital lobby beside the stretcher carrying Olivia. Dr. Cooper walked over to him as the wheeled her down the hallway.<p>

"What happened?" She asked Elliot anxiously.

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I don't know. I woke up and she was on the floor…she must have passed out. Last night she woe up in the middle of the night with that pain in her chest again and she was feeling dizzy and nauseous. I should have brought her in but I thought it would go away…"

Amy nodded and tried to put a comforting hand on his arm. "It's okay. It could just be side effects from the radiation again."

He looked at her feeling the knot in his stomach tighten. "Could be? What else would it be?"

Amy sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. That's why I need to get in there and see what's going on. You stay out here and I'll come talk to you as soon as I know anything."

Elliot watched her walk away and he went to go sit down in the waiting room alone. He looked around at all the other people anxiously waiting for news about their loved ones. Sighing, he reached for his cell phone in his pocket and dialed Cragen's number…he couldn't bare being alone right now.

Fifteen minutes later, Cragen came bursting through the doors and over to her. "Did you hear anything yet?"

Elliot stood up to meet him. "Nothing. I feel like this is all my fault. I knew she wasn't feeling well last night…I should have brought her in sooner."

Cragen put his hand on his shoulder and tried to comfort him. "This isn't your fault Elliot. You did everything you could…we just have to wait to see what's going on. Fin's on his way down with Casey right now and Munch is going to come down later too."

Elliot sighed and went back to sit down again. "I just hate this…" ot. Finally,

Cragen sat down beside him and nodded. "I know. I know…"

Together they sat and waited to hear news about Olivia and they hoped for the best…but were expecting the worse.

* * *

><p>An hour and a half later, Munch, Fin, Casey, Alex and Melinda were all sitting in the waiting room with Elliot. Finally Amy came down the hallway and walked towards Elliot, he could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong.<p>

He stood up and walked towards her. "What is it?"

Amy sighed and looked at all the people in the waiting room with him. "Why don't you sit down for a minute so we can talk? We could go to my office if you want…"

Elliot shook his head. "No. Whatever you have to say you can tell me in front of them. They are family to her…she would want them to know."

Amy smiled and nodded slowly. "Alright. Well uh…we were able to take care of the wound on her head. She needed four stitches his time but there was no concussion. I wanted to run a few tests to try and figure out why she kept experiencing that pain in her chest. So we did a cat scan…"

He swallowed the lump in his throat and shuffled his feet nervously. "And…"

She sighed and put her hands in her lab coat. "The tumor in her breast has started to grow back despite the radiation…"

Elliot felt like someone had sucker punched him in the stomach. "What?"

Amy shook her head sadly. "I really didn't think it would grow back Elliot. But sometimes people don't take to radiation…"

Elliot could tell that everyone behind him was just as shocked as he was, they were quiet except for Casey and Alex's gentle whimpers as they tried not to cry. "Well how big is the tumor?"

Amy licked her lips and said, "It's not as big as it was before which is good. And there are still options…it hasn't spread anywhere else so I don't want you to think that there is no hope left."

His eyes were burning but he tried to remain strong. "So what do we do now?"

"I would like to do surgery again to remove the tumor again and then this time I'd like to go for chemo, which is more aggressive than radiation. I think that's what she needs to beat this. It's going to be harder and more painful for her but…it's the best option we have." Amy said softly.

Elliot sighed and put a hand on his forehead feeling like he was going to throw up. "God I can't believe this…"

"I'm very sorry Elliot…we can never tell how people will react to treatments or if tumors will grow back. Everyone is different…but Olivia is strong. She's not ready to give up just yet…" Amy said trying to sound hopeful.

Elliot looked at his friends and then back to Amy. "Does Olivia know yet?"

Amy shook her head. "She is just waking up now and I didn't want to upset her first thing. Besides…I think it would be better if you or someone was with her when I told her the truth."

He nodded and sniffled gently trying to keep himself from crying. "Yeah…yeah alright. I'll come with you…just give me a second okay?"

Amy could tell he was trying to hold it together, and he knew that he didn't want to cry in front of Olivia. "Take all the time you need. I'm going to go talk to one of the surgeons upstairs to see how soon we could do the surgery in case Olivia wants to try that again. When you are ready…have the nurses station page me and I'll come back down here."

Elliot nodded and watched her walk away; he took a few deep breaths trying to compose himself. He felt a hand on his back and he tense slightly.

"You okay?" Cragen asked softly.

Elliot cleared his throat and stood up straight. "I'm fine."

He started to walk down the hallway needing some fresh air. He burst through the front doors and walked out into the parking lot feeling his hands shake. Cragen walked up behind him just as he leaned against the hospital wall feeling very weak.

"Elliot…" Cragen started to say softly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Elliot groaned and stood up as he slammed the palm of his hand against the brick wall. "No I don't want to talk about this bullshit!"

Cragen leaned against the wall and put his hands in his pockets. "I know you are upset. We all are…but you heard Amy…this isn't the end of the road. There are still options to consider."

Elliot swallowed hard and turned towards her. "But she shouldn't have to do go through this at all. It isn't fair!"

Cragen nodded sadly. "I know…I know it isn't and if could take the pain away from her I would but we can't. All we can do is be supportive of her right now…"

"Being supportive isn't going to make chemo therapy any easier for her though." Elliot said as the tears started to well up in her eyes. "I thought that once radiation was done she would be okay and everything would go back to normal. But now we're back at square one…"

Cragen stood up straight and walked closer to Elliot. "She needs you right now…"

Elliot sighed and rubbed his hands together. "She can't die…"

"Don't you dare go there yet…" Cragen said leaning down to look him in the eye. "Don't do that…it's not over yet."

Elliot sniffled and started to walk around Cragen before stropping, he turned quickly and hugged Cragen. Don was caught off guard for a moment but he finally put his arms around Elliot and hugged him back. He knew that Olivia wasn't the only one that needed support right now…

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later Elliot walked into Olivia's room after having composed himself. He saw the stitches on her forehead and he sighed as he walked over to stand beside her bed. She opened her eyes and turned her head towards him and smiled sadly.<p>

"Hey…" She whispered.

He put his hand on top of her head and smoothed her hair out making sure not to touch her wound. "Hey…how are you feeling?"

She laughed sadly. "Well my headache is back…"

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her gently. "I'm so sorry Liv…"

When he pulled way she stared up at him and reached for his hand. "It's not your fault."

He shrugged. "Maybe if I had taken you to the hospital last night…you wouldn't have had to get stitches."

She sighed and squeezed his hand. "El…"

His eyes started to well up with tears again. "You know I love you right?"

She licked her lips and fidgeted on the bed. "What is it? What's wrong?"

He tried to smile; he didn't want to tell her the news without Amy there to explain it all to her. "Nothing…"

She felt the lump growing in her throat and her eyes started to burn with her own tears. "It's not nothing…you wouldn't be reacting this way to a few stitches. Tell me…what is it?"

"We should wait for Amy…" He said pleading with her.

Then she read it in his eyes. "The tumor is back isn't it?"

He sighed and pulled a chair up beside her bed. "Liv…"

She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Just…don't lie okay? Is the tumor back?"

He sighed and took her hand again knowing he couldn't wait now. "Yes. It's back…that's why you've been feeling pain in your chest again."

She whimpered softly and felt her heart start to beat hard in her chest. "Damn it."

He scooted the chair closer to the bed and he leaned over to kiss her cheek. "It's going to be okay…"

She shook her head. "No it isn't…nothing is going to be okay."

He kissed her lips softly this time and she finally looked at him. "You promised me you wouldn't give up...you're not going to back out of that promise are you?"

She let a few tears fall from her eyes. "I don't know how I can keep going from this."

He cupped her cheek gently. "I know it's going to be hard but you can't give up. I need you…"

The door opened and Amy walked in quietly, she saw the looks on their faces and knew she didn't have to break the news to Olivia. "Olivia…"

Olivia turned her head towards Amy and sighed. "I know…"

Amy nodded slowly and walked closer to the two of them. "I know this isn't exactly how we expected things to go…but I think you can still beat this. Of course I can't tell you what to do but there are still options."

Olivia sighed and looked at her hand in Elliot's and knew she had to continue to fight. "What can we do?"

"Well…we can try surgery again and then chemo. Or we can just do chemo to try and shrunk the tumor. It's up to you…" Amy said softly.

Olivia sighed and whispered. "I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do chemo."

Amy nodded gently. "I know…I was hoping we wouldn't have to take that road too. It won't be easy and it is more brutal than radiation but it is very effective. And with the size of the tumor now…I don't think we would have to do it as long as most patients. Again…I'm only here to guide you. I can't make any decision for you. Whatever you want to do I'll support you through it all."

Olivia closed her eyes and tried to think for a moment. She thought about the night before when Elliot promised to take her on vacation and talked about marrying her. She couldn't imagine not having that future with him…but she couldn't' deny that part of her wanted to just give up and let this disease take its course on her. She didn't want to do chemo and let it break her down…

But she opened her eyes and looked over at Elliot and knew she had no other choice. "I'll try chemo…"

She felt Elliot relax beside her, she knew that he was afraid that she was going to refuse treatments. He squeezed her hand hopefully and she smiled at him before turning back to Amy who was smiling.

Amy walked to the other side of her bed. "I think we should take a few days before we start chemo so that you can rest a little."

Olivia cleared her throat gently. "Am I going to lose my hair?"

Amy sighed sadly. "It's a possibility…"

Elliot knew what she was thinking. "You can pull off the no hair look and still look as sexy as you do now."

Olivia laughed and looked over at him. "Shut up Elliot…"

Amy smiled and knew that Olivia would be able to make it through this with the help of her boyfriend. "The thing with chemo is that you need to take it one day at a time. Each day is different…I wont lie to you. It won't be easy but it can definitely help you conquer this once and for all."

Olivia took a deep breath and nodded slowly. "Alright. Well…I want to beat this. I want to be done with this crap so let's do it."

Amy squinted at her. "You're taking this a lot better than I thought you would."

Olivia laughed sadly. "Trust me…I'm about to freak out."

Amy nodded and understood that she wanted some privacy; she put a comforting hand on Olivia's shoulder and smiled. "You're a fighter Olivia. I knew that the day I met you…I see a lot of patients that come in and out of here and I know that your story doesn't end here. I truly believe that…"

Olivia smiled at her. "I trust you so whatever you think we should do I'll try no matter how scared I am."

Amy smiled. "You can do this. If you need me, have one of the nurses page me. They want you to stay until tomorrow just to keep an eye on you. I'll come and check on you later."

When Amy walked out of the room, it was silent in the room for a few moments. Then Olivia finally turned towards Elliot with tears in her eyes…

"Well this sucks…" She said trying to laugh.

Sighing, Elliot stood up before sitting on the side of her bed and put his arm around her. "Yeah…it does."

She leaned against him and let the tears fall down her face. "Last night when you were telling me about the beach…and getting married I really thought that future was possible."

"It still is…" He said as he started to run his hands through her hair. "It just may take us a little longer to get there."

She closed her eyes tightly feeling the burning in her eyes begin to overwhelm her. "Don't leave me…"

He swallowed the lump in his throat but couldn't fight the tears that started to fall down his cheeks. "Never…"

They sat together like that for a long time just crying and holding each other. Nothing was certain anymore, there was no one that could predict the future or how this would turn out. All they could do was hope for the best and stand together in spite of the new challenges they faced…

* * *

><p><strong>I know you probably all hate me right now but...hopefully it won't last hahaha. It's not over yet! There is still more a lot to be written so just remember I'm an EO shipper always. Send in the reviewsssss. :) **


	17. Chapter 17

**Once again thanks for all the support and reviews :) I have the next couple of chapters all planned out so the faster you review the faster I'll update so you can all know what is going to happen to Olivia! Again...let me stress that I am E/O shipper always so just keep that in mind for those of you that are nervous. Hope you enjoy the chapter! **

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><p>Two weeks later, Olivia had officially started chemotherapy treatments and was trying to stay as positive as she could. It had been a week since treatments had started but she knew that Amy was right, it was a lot more brutal than radiation. The nausea and headaches were a lot more intense, but she was trying to hide her pain from Elliot.<p>

One afternoon, Elliot was down at the precinct talking to Cragen about coming back to work. They had agreed that going back to work would be good for him to keep his mind of things but it would only be part time for now.

Olivia was sitting on the couch watching a movie when another round of nausea started to attack again. She closed her eyes and tried to take a few deep breaths hoping it would pass but her stomach started doing flip flops and she knew it wasn't going anywhere.

She jumped off the couch and ran towards the bathroom as fast as she could. She didn't even flip on the light, just knelt on the floor and leaned over the toilet. Her body shook violently as she threw up the only thing she had been able to eat for days…toast.

When she knew there was nothing left to throw up, she pulled herself together and leaned against the shower. She reached for the bottle of water that Elliot had left for her on the vanity and rinsed her mouth out before spitting it into the toilet.

She sniffled and wiped her tears away before flushing the toilet. Closing her eyes, she leaned against the shower again and tried to take a few deep breaths. Elliot would be home soon and she wanted to clean herself up before that. She brushed her teeth, washed her face and went to go change her clothes in the bedroom. Just when she was pulling her shirt over her head she heard the front door open signaling Elliot's return.

"Liv?" He heard him call out to her; she took a deep breath and walked out to the living room to greet him.

"Hey." She said walking over to the couch and sitting down. "How did it go?"

Elliot took his coat off and watched her for a minute, her eyes were red and she looked tired. "It was good…Cragen and I worked out a schedule that I think will work well for now. It's flexible enough that I can be around when you need me I still get my feet wet again ya know?"

She smiled at him and nodded. "That's good. But I told you before…don't worry about me. I have plenty of people who can take me to my appointments and back home. I want you to take care of yourself too."

Elliot nodded and went to sit beside her. "I am taking care of myself Liv."

She put a hand on his knee and squeezed it gently. "Well good…I'm glad."

He reached his hand up and touched her cheek gently; she felt warm and looked flushed. "You okay?"

She let out a shaky breath and nodded. "I'm fine. I just woke up from nap. That's all."

He squinted his eyes and somehow knew she was lying but he knew better then to press her. "Okay. Did you eat anything today?"

She grimaced at the thought of food and lied again. "Yeah. More toast…"

Elliot smiled sadly at her knowing how hard this was for her already. "Toast again? You've got to be sick of that by now…want to try something else?"

She felt nauseas again just thinking about other food and shook her head. "Not right now. No. But thanks…"

He nodded and leaned forward to kiss her forehead, her stitches were gone but there was still a faint red line. "Okay."

He pulled away and started to stand up again. "Kathy called while you were out. She wanted to know if you wanted to watch the kids this weekend. She has that wedding to go to in Connecticut and she thought you could watch the kids if you wanted to and weren't working."

Elliot poured himself a drink and shrugged. "I don't start work until next week. So…yeah I could do that. But are you okay with that?"

She pulled a blanket over her legs suddenly feeling cold. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I'd probably have to stay at the house…they can't all fit here. You could come with me of course but I don't know if you would feel comfortable doing that or up to it anyway." He said nervously.

Olivia thought about it for a moment, it would be strange staying in the house with Elliot that he had once shared with Kathy. But then again she really wanted to see the kids; she hadn't been able to spend much time with them lately. And quite frankly, she wanted nothing more than to get out of the apartment since it was really the once place she had spent any time in lately besides the hospital.

"I think it's a good idea. It will be good for you to get to spend a couple of days with them and I'd love to get out of the house. Would Kathy be okay with me staying there?" Olivia asked nervously.

Elliot nodded. "I'm sure it would be okay. She wouldn't want you to be alone and there's a guest room so we wouldn't be staying in our-" He paused and cleared his throat. "I mean her bedroom…"

The slipup wasn't lost on her and she felt her heart ache momentarily. "Okay…well as long as its okay with Kathy then yeah I'll go with you…"

He felt bad but didn't want to get into a fight with her so he nodded. "Okay. I'll call her and let her know."

Olivia smiled as he walked out of the kitchen and into the bedroom to call Kathy. She wondered if this would be a bad idea but she couldn't shake the excitement of getting out of the house even for a few days. Sighing, she pushed the negative thoughts out of her mind and lay down on the couch to pull the blanket up over her head so she could hide from the world at least for a little while…

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><p>Thursday night, Elliot and Olivia drove to his old house and parked in the driveway. Elliot carried their bags into the house and Olivia met Kathy in the kitchen where she was going through a few last minute things.<p>

"Hey!" Kathy said smiling at Olivia as she walked towards her. "How are you?"

"I'm good." Olivia said leaning against the counter. "Excited for the wedding?"

Kathy smiled happily. "Yeah. Erin is one of my best friends and I'm happy for her and Colin. They make a very cute couple."

Olivia smiled and sat down on one of the stools at the counter. "Good. It should be fun for you to get away."

Kathy nodded and smiled. "Thanks for watching the kids for me while I'm away."

Olivia shook her head. "Elliot can't wait to spend time with the kids and neither can I. They make me laugh and that's something I need right now…"

Kathy reached over and squeezed her hand gently. "I thought it might help you feel better."

Elliot walked into the kitchen holding Eli in his arms and smiled at Kathy and Olivia. "Hello."

Kathy smiled and reached for her pocketbook. "Hey. Fridge is full of food, Dickie and Lizzie know the chores they need to do and there schedules this weekend. Everything's written down on the fridge though just in case as well as the number to the hotel I'm staying at in case you can't get a hold of me on my cell."

Elliot chuckled gently. "You know I have been alone with the kids before…"

She shrugged and smiled. "Yeah well…just giving you a refresher course."

Eli reached his arms out towards his Mom and she took him from Elliot's arms. "Mommy when will you be back?"

Kathy kissed the side of his head and smiled. "I'll be back late Sunday night honey. But you are going to have so much fun with Daddy and Livvie you won't even realize I left."

Eli smiled at his Mom and then looked over at Olivia. "I am excited Livvie is gonna be here too."

Olivia winked at him and he laughed. "I believe that we are long overdue for a game of checkers my friend. Last time you kicked my but…I plan on getting revenge on you."

Eli pointed at her playfully. "You can't beat me."

Olivia stood up, already feeling stronger now that she had a distraction. "Oh yeah? Well we will see about that…come on buddy."

Eli kissed his Mom's cheek and jumped down from her arms before running towards the living room. Olivia waved to Kathy and then followed Eli out of the kitchen getting ready to play a game of checkers.

Kathy turned towards Elliot and tried to smile. "How's she holding up with chemo?"

Elliot took a deep breath and shrugged. "She's alright…I mean I know she feels sick but she's hanging in there. She doesn't like to talk about it much but I just hope she knows that I'm here if she needs me."

Kathy nodded. "She knows you're there for her. I see a lot of patients who go through this and it just takes some time before she starts to feel normal again. Or as normal as she can be…"

Elliot nodded and looked towards the living room where he saw Olivia and Eli setting up the checkers board. "I guess you're right…I just wasn't expecting things to go this far ya know? I really thought radiation would actually work."

Kathy frowned sadly and pulled the strap of her bag up higher on her arm. "Are you sure you can handle this? I can call Erin and tell her I can't come if you want to take Olivia home…"

Elliot shook his head and smiled. "No. No she needs a break from all this crap. I do too. The kids are the one thing that keeps me sane…we'll be fine."

She nodded slowly and put a comforting hand on his arm. "Alright. Well…your Mom called yesterday to see how the kids were doing. She might stop by sometime this weekend to see you."

Elliot smiled. "That will be good. Have fun on your trip…don't worry about us. We'll be fine."

Kathy smiled; leaned up to kiss his cheek and then walked out of the house to her car. Elliot took a deep breath and then walked to the living room where Olivia and Eli were already very involved in their game.

Elliot sat down beside Olivia and smiled as he watched his son watching the board anxiously. "Whose winning?"

Olivia pretended that the game was a lot harder than it was, she of course was going to let Eli win. "He's giving me a run for my money…"

Eli moved one of the pieces closer to the opposite side of the board and smirked the way that his father always did when something made him happy. "No one can beat me at checkers Liv."

She glared playfully at him and moved another piece across the board. "There is still time my friend…don't be to sure of yourself just yet."

Eli looked over at his Dad and smiled. "You gonna play the winner Dad?"

Elliot laughed and nodded as he leaned back on the couch to get more comfortable as he watched the match. "Definitely."

For the time being, Elliot and Olivia wanted to pretend that nothing was going on. They wanted to be normal and happy and that wasn't too much to ask for.

* * *

><p>Later that night after the twins got home form school, Olivia was sitting on the couch talking to Lizzie and Elliot was in the kitchen getting ready to make dinner with Eli and Dickie.<p>

Olivia was wrapped in a blanket, ever since she started treatments she was constantly feeling cold. "So how's school?"

Lizzie shrugged and smiled at Olivia. "It's school…same old same old really. Mom already wants Dickie and I to start looking at schools since we'll be Seniors next year."

Olivia smiled. "Well that's exciting! Do you have any idea where you want to go?"

Lizzie shook her head. "Not really. I don't even know what I want to go to school for…I go back and forth between teaching and maybe going for Psych all the time. Dad says not to worry too much because I don't need to know right away but I still feel like I'm behind ya know?"

"You do have time to figure it all out Lizzie…and you're a smart girl. I'm not to worried about you and your future." She said leaning over to pat Lizzie's leg.

Lizzie nodded slowly and then looked down at her hands nervously. "Yeah…I guess you're right."

Olivia watched Elliot's daughter and could tell something was weighing heavy on her mind. "You okay? You look a little sad…"

Lizzie looked back up at her slowly and tried to smile. "I'm okay. Just been thinking about a lot of stuff lately."

Olivia shifted in her seat and tried to get more comfortable. "Like what? You know you can talk to me about anything."

Nervously, Lizzie licked her lips and then started to talk about what was bothering her. "I guess I'm just worried about what's going on with you…"

Olivia smiled sadly at her. "Oh honey I don't want you worrying about me. You have enough going on in your life."

The young girl nodded and felt her eyes well up with tears. "Yeah but still. I just…I've never really known anyone who's gone through this you know? And I've known you practically my whole life…I don't want anything bad to happen to you."

"I won't lie to you…it's not easy this whole process but I think it's going to be okay." She said softly.

Lizzie licked her lips nervously. "Are you scared?"

Olivia shrugged and laughed sadly. "Terrified…"

Lizzie pulled her legs up against her chest and rested her head chin on her knees. "Does it hurt?"

Olivia rested her head on the back of the couch and looked at her with a small smile. "The treatments are uncomfortable…chemo is a lot more brutal then radiation was. The side effects are worse…I feel sick to my stomach a lot and very tired. But as far as pain…it's not like I thought it would be."

Lizzie's bottom lip and she started to tremble. "I don't want this to sound selfish…but I'm scared for you. I don't want you to die…"

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and moved to hug Lizzie. "It doesn't sound selfish. And I don't want to die either…"

Lizzie hugged Olivia tightly. "You're like family…so I don't want to lose you."

Olivia sighed and hugged her tightly and tried to smile just as Elliot walked into the living room. He smiled when he saw them but could tell he was interrupting something so he stayed back a little.

"Are you guys hungry?" He asked softly.

Lizzie pulled away from Olivia and turned towards her Dad. "Starving." She took one last look at Olivia and then got up and went to the kitchen to join her brothers.

Olivia swung her legs up over the side of the couch and stood up as she started to fold the blanket. "I think I might just go take a nap…not very hungry."

He leaned against the doorframe and frowned. "You need to eat something Liv…"

She smiled sadly at him. "I will. But honestly the idea of food right now just turns my stomach. And I don't' want to make the kids uncomfortable…I'll eat something later alright?"

He pushed himself away from the wall and walked towards her. "What were you and Lizzie talking about?"

She shrugged and rubbed her arms to try and warm herself. "She just had a few questions about treatment and stuff. But it's fine…"

Elliot looked down at the ground and put his hands in his pockets. "I haven't really been sure what to tell them about it. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable…"

Olivia smiled softly and pushed a strand of hair out of her face. "Well they are older…all of them except for Eli. You can be honest with them about it. I think it's worse to lie about things like this…"

Elliot nodded and walked closer to her. "I guess you're right."

She smiled softly and leaned up to kiss him. "I'm just gonna rest for an hour or so. Don't let me sleep to long okay?"

He nodded and kissed her back. "Okay. Love you."

She winked at him and made her way towards the guest bedroom on the first floor. "Love you too."

* * *

><p>An hour later, Dickie and Lizzie were doing their homework while Eli colored at the counter and Elliot washed the dishes. There was a knock on the front door and Dickie called out saying he would get it.<p>

"Look who came to visit." Dickie said walking into the kitchen with his Grandma at his side.

Elliot smiled and wiped his hands as Eli jumped down from his stool and ran to her. "Grandma!"

Bernie laughed and leaned down to hug her youngest grandchild and kissed the top of his head. "Why hello Eli! You've grown so tall!"

"That's because I'm eating my vegetables and drinking my milk like Mommy tells me too!" Eli said smiling up at her.

Bernie squeezed his cheek and kissed the top of his head again as Lizzie walked into the kitchen. "Good boy."

Elliot walked towards his Mom and leaned in to hug her. "Hey Ma."

She hugged her son and kissed his cheek. "How are you my boy?"

Elliot shrugged as he pulled away and tried to smile. "Hanging in there…"

She squinted her eyes up at her son and laughed. "What is it about you? Ever since you left my house you've been keeping me in the dark about how you are doing. I had to hear from Olivia that the tumor grew back…you could have told me."

Elliot sighed and leaned against the counter. "Sorry Mom…I guess I've been busy."

She clicked her tongue and shook her head. "Just like you're father…"

He smirked at her and shrugged. "Yet you still love me."

She laughed and turned back to her kids. "You kids want to help me bring in my stuff? There may be some presents along with my bags in the back seat…"

Eli made a beeline towards the front door and Dickie and Lizzie followed her. Elliot laughed and went back to doing the dishes as Bernie went to sit down at the counter.

"So…when did you talk to Olivia?" Elliot asked turning to look at her as he rinsed out one of the pots he had used.

Bernie sighed. "About a weeks ago…she said she didn't want to burden me with the stress. I think she's been spending too much time with you because she's so stubborn. She should have known I would want to help in anyway I can."

Elliot laughed and put the last dish down beside the sink in the drying rack before turning back towards her. "Well then I guess you don't know Olivia as well as you think. She's always been stubborn…she didn't need to meet me to keep secrets."

Bernie nodded slowly and looked down at her hands on the counter. "So…how bad is it?"

Elliot shrugged and crossed his arms across his chest as he leaned against the sink. "The tumor isn't as big as it was before…so that's good. So far she's been able to handle chemo as well as expected. The doctors are hopeful that this will work…"

"How do you think she is?" Bernie asked softly.

Sighing, he looked down at the ground. "It's hard to say really. Some days she's very open with me and some days it feels like she's holding back you know? I'm trying to be supportive but I don't want to push her to far."

Bernie nodded understanding what he meant. "You seem to be handling things better than I had expected you too."

Elliot laughed and looked back up at her. "Yeah well I'm trying this new thing where I actually face my problems instead of running from them."

Bernie shrugged and chuckled. "Well what do you know…looks like Eli's not the only one that's growing up."

Elliot smiled at her as the kids came back inside and Eli came running to her side with a big yellow Tonka Truck. "Daddy look what Grandma bought me!"

Elliot scooped his son up and took a look at the truck. "Look at that! What a cool truck! What do you say to Grandma?"

Eli jumped down from his Dad's arms and ran to her side so he could hug her making Bernie laugh happily. "Thank you Grandma!"

Bernie kissed the top of his head and smiled. "You are most welcome by little boy."

Lizzie and Dickie showed off their gifts, Lizzie got a pair of earrings and Dickie got a new Yankees hat. They were laughing and talking for a while until Elliot decided it was time for Eli to get ready to go to bed. Lizzie and Dickie went back to doing their homework and Elliot brought Eli upstairs to get him ready for bed.

Olivia woke up and walked out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. She yawned and ran a hand through her hair; she smiled when she saw Bernie brewing some tea.

"Bernie?" Olivia called out to her softly.

The woman turned slowly and smiled at Olivia. "There you are! I was beginning to worry."

Olivia laughed and walked towards her. "When did you get here?"

"About an hour ago." Bernie said pulling in for a hug. "Elliot didn't want to wake you up."

Olivia sighed and pulled back frowning slightly. "God bless him…I feel like all I do now is sleep. He's going to get bored with me soon…"

Bernie laughed and cupped her cheek gently. "My son could never get sick of you. You mean the world to him Olivia. He knows its important for you to rest as much as possible so don't you worry about that. How are you feeling?"

Olivia shrugged and pulled her sweater around her tighter suddenly feeling a chill. "It could be worse…just taking it day by day."

"Well you look good." Bernie said rubbing her arm gently. "Do you want some tea?"

Olivia sighed happily and walked towards the counter and sat down. "I'd love some. Thank you."

"Have you eaten anything today?" Bernie asked taking a few mugs out of the counter.

Olivia shook her head. "Not much…just some crackers this morning."

Bernie shook her head and put the tea in front of her. "Well that won't do. Let's see what I can whip up for you."

Olivia smiled at her and lifted the mug to her lips. "You don't have to do that Bernie."

"Nonsense. You need to keep your strength up Olivia, it's very important." She said looking into the fridge. "I know you probably don't feel that well but there has to be something you could eat."

Olivia took another sip of her tea and put the mug back down on the counter. "Maybe just some scrambled eggs? I don't want to eat something to heavy just yet…I'm still feeling pretty nauseas even with just crackers."

"I can make you some eggs. Want some pancakes too?" She asked trying to get her to eat as much as possible.

Olivia laughed and nodded. "Sure. That would be wonderful."

Bernie smiled triumphantly and started getting everything together to make her food. "So…I never got to thank you really for pulling Elliot back to reality."

Olivia sighed and held her cup close to keep warm. "Well I did my best. But...I just wish he could have gone back to a normal life ya know? Not this…"

Bernie rolled her eyes teasingly. "What is a normal life anyway? I don't think my son of all people has ever had a normal life. It's kind of impossible with what you guys do for a living."

"I guess you're right…" Olivia said shrugging. "But anything would be better than this. After everything he was going through he shouldn't have to deal with me…"

Bernie started to crack a few eggs into a bowl to whisk them. "No one should have to deal with this. But he's doing it because he loves you."

Olivia put her elbow on the counter top and rested her chin on her hand. "Well then I suppose I'm pretty damn lucky to have in my life…I don't know what I'd do without him. I mean when he left I thought I'd be okay but…after working together for so long it's like we've become one. Is that weird?"

Bernie turned towards her and shook her head. "No. It's not weird. What you guys do is very stressful…you've leaned on each other for years. You need each other. If Elliot didn't have you all those years I don't think he would have been able to stay at SVU as long as he did before leaving."

Olivia closed her eyes and thought about how much she really loved Elliot, she couldn't imagine losing him again. "I just wish I could have helped him more…with this last case. I wish I could have gotten through to him before he left…"

"He needed a break." Bernie said pouring the egg mixture into a frying pan. "I don't' think there is anything you could have done or said to have made him stay at that point. He was to far gone…"

Olivia sighed and put her arm down on the counter again. "The things we see…the images are hard to get out of your mind. There were so many times I thought about walking away…"

Bernie turned towards her and frowned. "What stopped you?"

Olivia laughed sadly and looked her in the eye. "Elliot…I couldn't imagine leaving him. I couldn't imagine not having him in my life and I was afraid that if we didn't work together we wouldn't have any reason to see each other anymore."

Bernie started to make the pancake batter as she listened to her. "Even if you had left the job…I think he would have made excuses to see you. He wouldn't let you go that easily…"

Olivia raised an eyebrow and shrugged. "Maybe not…"

"I know this isn't the ideal situation…this isn't how you pictured you two getting together to go but don't give up yet okay?" She asked softly.

Olivia smiled at her. "Trust me…I won't."

Elliot came back downstairs and smiled when he saw Olivia was up. "Hey. I was just coming to wake you up."

Olivia smiled as he put an arm around her shoulder and kissed her head. "Your Mom is getting me to eat something. That should make you happy."

He chuckled. "It does. I was going to force feed you if I had too. But Eli wants to see you before he goes to bed…"

Olivia turned on the stool and smiled at him before making her way to the staircase. She walked upstairs and down the hall to Eli's room and smiled when she saw him sitting up in bed holding his favorite stuffed animal, Tito the dragon.

"Hey little buddy." She said as she sat down beside him on the bed. "All ready for bed?"

Eli nodded and looked up at her. "Yup! But I wanted to see you before I went to sleep." He said resting his head against her shoulder.

Olivia wrapped an arm around the little boy and smiled. "You look so much like your Daddy. Did you know that?"

Eli smiled and wrinkled his nose. "Mommy says I have his eyes and smile but she says I have her nose."

Olivia nodded and ruffled his hair. "Your Mom is right."

Eli looked down at Tito and whispered. "She also says that it's going to take a little longer for you to get better than they thought…"

Olivia sighed and rubbed his small arm. "Once again your Mom is right…"

"She says that I can pray really hard for you and that will help." Eli said pulling at the dragons wings.

Olivia smiled and leaned down to kiss the top of his head. "I would appreciate that very much Eli…very much."

Eli turned and looked up at her again. "Will you try really hard to get better? I don't want Daddy to be sad and leave us again…and I don't want you to go to heaven either."

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and kissed his forehead again. "I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I don't go to heaven for a very long time and to make sure your Daddy stays here right where he belongs."

Eli sighed happily and hugged her. "I love you Olivia."

Olivia smiled and hugged him back gently. "I love you too Eli."

* * *

><p>Five minutes later Olivia came back downstairs and went to the kitchen. Elliot was sitting at the counter as Bernie made a plate of food for Olivia. She sat down next to Elliot and smiled at him.<p>

"He's fast asleep…" Olivia said leaning into him as he wrapped an arm around her back.

"Good." Elliot said nodding. "I knew he wouldn't go to sleep before he saw you."

She smiled at him and kissed his cheek gently. "You've got a pretty great kid there El…"

Elliot's smile grew on his lips. "Yes. I really do."

Bernie put the plate in front of Olivia and smiled. "Eat up missy."

Olivia laughed and took her fork and cut into her pancakes. "Smells wonderful. Thank you Bernie."

Bernie smiled at them and started to walk towards the living room. "I'm going to go settle into my room upstairs. Make sure she eats everything on that plate Elliot."

Elliot chuckled and watched Olivia eating, feeling happy that she was finally eating more than toast and crackers. "I will Mom."

Olivia smiled and started to eat some of her eggs. "I'm glad your Mom is here. It's good to see her."

Elliot rubbed her back while she ate. "I feel better now that she's here too."

Olivia turned to look at him and smiled softly. "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

He smiled and leaned over to kiss her head. "No. You haven't."

She smirked and took another bite of her pancakes. "Well…I apologize. I love you more than you could ever know Elliot Stabler. And I can't imagine what I would be doing without you right now or ever for that matter."

He caressed the side of her face gently and smiled. "I love you too Liv. You mean everything to me…don't forget it."

She sighed happily and continued to eat. "You know…for the first time since all this chemo started I am actually starting to feel hopeful again."

Elliot swallowed hard. "Good. That's all I want."

'Hey El?" She asked sweetly with a mouthful of eggs and a playful smirk.

He laughed and cocked his head to the side. "Yes dear?"

"Would you get me some syrup? Suddenly my appetite is back and I want to take advantage of it while I can." She said laughing.

He stood up and laughed as he walked towards the fridge. "Coming right up."

Olivia sighed happily and tried to enjoy the moment. It was the first time in a long time that she didn't feel like her world was falling down around her. No matter what was going to happen…right now she was just grateful to be with the man she loves. 

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><p><strong>Let me know what you think :) I'm half way done with the next chapter and have the chapter after that all ready written in my head. So...review review review and you'll see them sooner! <strong>


	18. Chapter 18

Three weeks later, Elliot was back at work part time and was slowly starting to fall back into the rhythm of being a SVU detective again. He forgot how good it felt to help the victims get t heir justice and watch them really start to move on with their lives. The only thing that was hard at this point was working without Olivia at the office, it just wasn't the same.

One afternoon he was filling out some paperwork when one of the victims he had recently helped walked up to his desk. He looked up at her slowly; he was surprised to see her. She had been raped by her professor at school two months earlier and had dropped vowing never to return again.

"Annie…" He said standing up slowly to greet her, she smiled softly. "Is everything okay?"

Annie nodded slowly and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Everything is fine…I just wanted to come by and say thank you for everything."

Elliot put his hands in his pockets and smiled, leaning against his desk. "You don't have to thank me for anything Annie. I was just doing my job."

She nodded her head slowly and pushed a strand of hair out of her face nervously. "I uh…I told my boyfriend what happened."

Elliot smiled at her and nodded. "That's good. You're taking the right steps to starting your life over."

She tilted her head to the side and smiled softly, tears welling up in her eyes. "He took it really well actually. Said he wouldn't leave me and he'd support me in anyway he could. He says he's just glad I finally was honest with him. I'd been pushing him away long enough…"

"He really loves you." Elliot said feeling very happy for her.

She nodded and reached into her bag to take out some paperwork. "I applied to Hudson University for next semester." She said handing him the application. "I really want to go back to school but I think transferring will make it easier for me."

Elliot took the application from her and smiled down at it. "I'm proud of you. Going back to school will be really good…you care a lot about your education."

She nodded and took the application back from him. "I'm a little scared…"

Elliot put a sympathetic hand on her arm. "Well that's to be expected. But you're still going to see your counselor right?" Annie nodded and he continued, "Just take one day at a time and remember it's okay to have bad days…you'll be okay."

"I know I will be. But I honestly wouldn't have been able to do this without you Elliot…thank you." She said softly.

Elliot nodded and smiled at her. "You are welcome. You deserve a second chance."

Annie looked down and then back at him quickly. "Um…I know this is probably not my place but…I overheard Detective Munch and Detective Tutuola talking about your girlfriend and how she had breast cancer…"

Elliot felt his heart pace quicken but he just tried to smile. "Oh…yeah she does."

She frowned sadly at him. "I just wanted to say that…that I know how hard this must be for you. My Mom had breast cancer when I was younger and it was really scary. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping my boundaries…but I just felt like you helped me so much and I thought maybe I could return the favor."

He smiled sadly at her and looked down at his joined hands on his lap. "I'm sorry your Mom had to battle this…but I'm not sure what you can do to help."

Annie reached back into her bag and took out a card. "This is a support group my Mom went too when she was sick. It really helped her talking to other women who were going through the same thing. They have another group for family members and friends too which I went to with my brother and Dad. It really brought us closer together as a family…"

Elliot took the card from her and smiled. "Really?"

Annie smiled and nodded. "Yeah. It helped us understand how we were all feeling…and it let us get out all our frustration in a positive way too. You obviously don't have to go…I just thought it might be helpful."

Elliot sighed happily at her. "Thank you Annie."

"I remember watching my Mom do chemo treatments…it was so terrifying. I was only ten I just kept thinking that she didn't deserve this." She said feeling tears well up in her eyes.

"No one deserves to go through this…" Elliot whispered.

Annie smiled and wiped a few stray tears from her eyes. "You're right…but people get diagnosed everyday."

Elliot nodded and cleared his throat before asking nervously. "What happened to your Mom?"

"She did all her chemo treatments like they told her to do. The Doctors kept telling us that it didn't seem to be working but my Mom was determined to win her battle." Annie said smiling proudly.

He cleared his throat nervously, he now realized he hadn't seen her Mom at the courthouse. "And did she?"

Annie shrugged. "For awhile…she had three years without any treatments. We thought it was over but it came back…"

His heart sank at her words. "I'm so sorry…"

She sighed sadly. "I love my Mom. And I miss her everyday…she is a hero to me. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do to watch her die. Even harder than this case…"

"How did you deal with it?" Elliot asked curiously.

She smiled at him sadly. "I remembered how much my Mom loved me and how strong she was. And I knew that she wouldn't want me to stop living my life…"

"That's very true." He said smiling at her.

"She's the reason I decided to tell someone about the rape. For two months I was so depressed and scared…I hid from everything. But one day I woke up and realized I wasn't doing my Mom's memory justice. She isn't here anymore so I should be living my life for her no matter how scared I am." She said shrugging.

Elliot felt the lump growing in his throat, worrying about Olivia's fate. "Your Mom would be very proud of you. In fact I'm sure she's smiling down on you right now…"

Annie smiled. "I know she was with me through the case. I could feel her presence…"

"I'm sure she was." He said reaching out to squeeze her hand. "Thank you for sharing all this with me Annie."

She grimaced nervously. "I hope I didn't upset you…I'm sure your girlfriend is going to be just fine. My Mom's cancer was caught pretty late…"

He shook his head. "You didn't upset me. You were right…it's good to talk to someone who's gone through the same thing."

Annie relaxed and smiled. "Good. I think you'll really benefit from the support group if you decided to go then."

He smiled and nodded. "I will definitely look into it. Thank you. And if you need anything…don't hesitate to call me here."

Annie smiled and leaned forward to hug him. "Thank you Elliot. For everything…and good luck with your girlfriend. I'll be praying for her."

Elliot hugged her back and then watched her start to walk out of the precinct. "Thank you Annie. And good luck with everything with you too…"

She smiled and waved before walking out of the precinct and into the elevator. Elliot stood up and breathed a sigh of relief; he was starting to feel really confident about being back at work. He sat down at his desk and went back to his paperwork so that he could go home to Olivia sooner rather than later.

* * *

><p>Back at the apartment, Olivia was hanging out with Casey and talking about her treatments and how she was feeling.<p>

"The girls and I were thinking about having another girls night this week. What do you think?" Casey asked her hopefully.

Olivia groaned and rested her head on the arm of the couch. "I don't know Casey…"

"Oh come on…" She said leaning over on the couch to squeeze her leg. "We said we were going to try and spend a lot of time together."

Olivia closed her eyes and pulled the blanket up around her more. "I feel so tired all the time."

"But it would be good for you to get out of the house don't you think? Sitting here all the time and dwelling on what's happening isn't going to help you." Casey said sadly.

Olivia sighed and sat up on the couch and frowned. "I miss it…"

Casey tiled her head to the side feeling confused. "Miss what?"

"My old life." Olivia whispered softly. "I'm so happy that Elliot has gone back to work. I really am…I just wish I could be there with him ya know? I feel so helpless here everyday…"

Casey sighed and nodded her head. "I know. But that's exactly why you should be getting out more. I mean you really haven't been out since you and Elliot stayed at his house to watch the kids. You're going to get depressed here the longer you stay locked up here…"

Olivia frowned and looked down at her hands in her lap. "I'm scared to leave the house…I feel like everyone looks at me like the sick girl."

"Well you need to show the world that nothing can hold you down. Not even cancer…" Casey said smiling.

Olivia laughed. "I don't know…for the first time in my life I'm feeling extremely weak."

"When I first met you…I knew right away that you were different then most women. No matter what kind of case got thrown our way you stood strong. You didn't let the perps get to you…you just did your job regardless." Casey said laughing.

"It's weird…those perps as terrible as they were it seemed like they were easier to deal with then this." Olivia said laughing sadly.

"That's because they didn't do anything to you. All those cases weren't about you..." Casey said honestly.

Olivia groaned and rolled her eyes. "I've never been able to face my own problems very well."

"Really? I couldn't tell…" Casey said teasingly.

Olivia laughed and pushed her gently. "I hate you."

Casey laughed and stood up and walked towards her coat in the hallway by the door. "Listen…I have to get back to the office. But I really think it would be a good idea for you to come out with us tomorrow. We were going to go to dinner and movie…"

Olivia thought about it for a moment and then smiled. "Okay fine. I'll come."

Casey smiled and put her coat on. "Good. We'll pick you up at 6:30 okay?"

Olivia watched her walk towards the door before calling out to her. "Hey Casey?"

She turned and smiled at her. "Yeah?"

"Thank you for not giving up on me…" Olivia whispered sincerely.

Casey smiled at her and opened the door. "What are friends for?"

With one last wave, Casey left the apartment and Olivia sat on the couch for a few moments thinking about what she had said. She really wanted to stop moping around but it was harder than it looked.

She sighed and decided to take a shower to hopefully pull herself out of her funk. She hadn't been able to eat much without getting sick and she was very tired. As she was washing the shampoo out of her hair, she pulled her hand away and found that a larger than normal clump of hair was in her hand.

Her heart started pounding, she had been waiting for this to happen but was hoping that it actually wouldn't happen. She ran another hand through her hair to try and remove more shampoo and pulled away more hair.

Her knees started to buckle as tears welled up in her eyes and she fell against the shower wall. She slid down to the floor of the shower and started to sob because she felt like she was losing control of everything.

She stared at the drain of the shower and saw a small pile of her hair and sighed. Reality was really beginning to sink in…

Ten minutes later she pulled herself together and got out of the shower. She put on some comfortable clothes and cleaned all her hair from the shower. She went back to their bedroom and lay down on the bed, feeling emotional and tired again. She drifted off to sleep and hoped that Elliot would be home soon. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts anymore…

* * *

><p>Walking into Cragen's office, Elliot placed his paperwork on his desk. Cragen smiled at him and took the folder and looked it over.<p>

"How do you feel about being back?" He asked looking over everything.

Elliot shrugged and sat down in the chair across from the desk. "It feels good. I feel a little guilty about leaving Olivia home a lone a lot but I really needed to give this a try again."

Cragen shut the folder and smiled. "Well you haven't lost your touch, that's for sure. You really got through to Annie…"

Elliot smiled. "She's a good kid. I'm glad she's beginning to rebuild her life."

"Yeah she seems confident which is good. I don't' think you should feel guilty about not being at home all the time with Olivia. She knows how important the job is to you…its how she feels too." Cragen said.

Elliot sighed and nodded. "I know. I guess I just wish she could be here with me…"

Cragen nodded sadly. "I know. We all do…and she will be eventually."

"Annie gave me a number for a support group for patients with cancer and their families. I think it would be a good idea for Olivia to go but I don't want to freak her out." Elliot said nervously.

Cragen pushed back from his desk and stood up, and walked around the side of the desk. "I thin it would be a good idea too. She might not be open to it at first…but you can try it. How's therapy going for you?"

Elliot smiled. "It's actually going really well. I didn't think I'd like it as much as I do but it feels good to not have to hold all my emotions in all the time."

"You mean it feels good not to have to beat up perps and random objects?" Cragen teased.

Elliot chuckled. "Exactly."

"I'm proud of you Elliot. Ever since you've been back I've seen a real change in you…a healthy change. Even with everything going on…you seem okay with all this. Or okay as you can be in a situation like this…" Cragen said shrugging.

Elliot smiled. "I'm trying…"

"Well it shows…and I know that Olivia must really appreciate it." He leaned against the edge of the desk and smiled.

"Yeah…" Elliot sighed and looked down the ground. "Yeah I guess…"

Cragen watched him for a moment and could tell he was feeling down. "You okay?"

Elliot looked back up at him and shrugged. "Yeah. I mean…I'm alright. Just been thinking a lot about…about Olivia and what's going on."

"Do you want to talk about?" Cragen asked softly.

Elliot closed his eyes and licked his lips feeling nervous. "The last couple of night's I've just…I've been watching her fall asleep. I know that sounds creepy…but it's like I need to make sure she is still breathing."

Cragen cleared his throat and pulled a chair up beside him and tried to think of something positive to say. "It's normal for you to feel afraid right now…"

"I'm really trying to stay as positive as I can but I can't help but let my mind wander to the what ifs…" Elliot whispered sadly.

"You mean if she dies…" Cragen said, shifting in his chair uncomfortably.

Elliot grimaced but nodded. "Yeah. I worry about what if she dies…"

Cragen sighed and turned his chair so it was facing him more. "That's normal…don't you think?"

Standing up, Elliot walked to the other side of the office and started to pace. "I just can't shake the feeling that I've wasted so much time with her. I feel like I could have had this amazing life with her and now I feel like its slipping through my fingers…"

Cragen watched him sadly, despite all the counseling and how strong Elliot seemed to be he had been waiting for him to break down at some point. "You don't know the at it isn't possible. And you could still have a great future with her…"

"But what if I can't?" Elliot asked turning towards Cragen quickly. "What if none of these treatments works? What am I supposed to do if she dies?"

Cragen swallowed hard and stood up taking a step towards him. "I wont lie to you Elliot…when Marge died it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. She was the love of my life and I didn't think I could live without her…"

Elliot stopped pacing and looked at his boss, he forgot that he too had lost the woman he loved. "Don I-"

"It's okay to be afraid Elliot…no one expects you to just be okay with what is happening. It would be weird if you were okay with it." He said shrugging.

"I don't think I can live without her though…" He whispered sadly.

Cragen sighed and leaned against his desk again. "You shouldn't think about that kind of stuff though…"

"I know. I know it's probably bad karma or whatever but I can't help it…" He said shaking his head sadly. "Last night when I was watching her sleep…I thought for a second she had stopped breathing. I was staring so hard at her that I didn't see that her chest was rising and falling still…and I honestly almost had a heart attack. Every morning I wake up and just try and smile at pretend I'm okay…but I'm not. I'm really not."

"Have you told Olivia how you feel about all this?" Cragen asked.

Elliot shook his head. "No. No of course not. I don't want to scare her…"

Cragen pushed himself off the desk and smiled. "Maybe the support group would be helpful. I think Olivia needs to know how you are really feeling Elliot…talking to a counselor is one thing but she cares about you too. She would want to know that you were struggling…she would want you reach out to her."

Elliot sighed and leaned against the office wall and crossed his ankles together. "I just…I just want her to be okay."

Taking a few steps towards her, Cragen put a hand on Elliot's shoulder and squeezed it gently. "I know you do. I know…"

Elliot sniffled sadly and then let out a small laugh. "This blows…"

Cragen laughed and nodded in agreement. "It sure does."

Sighing, Elliot pushed away from the wall and walked towards the door. "I should get back home and see how Olivia is doing."

Cragen watched him walk away and tried to smile. "I'm here if you want to talk again…just remember that."

Elliot nodded and smiled back. "Thanks Cap."

"Don't mention it…" He whispered before Elliot walked out of the office.

Cragen sighed and walked back to his desk and sat down in his chair. Sighing he opened the top drawer of his desk and took out a picture of Marge he hid in there. It used to sit on his desk but he found that it was too hard to stare at her face all the time. But from time to time, whenever ne was feeling down he would take it out to look at it.

He smiled sadly and touched the glass where her face was. "I miss you sweetie…" He whispered softly.

He took a deep breath and kissed the photo before opening the drawer to put the picture back in. But he hesitated and smiled before putting the picture on his desk again, he didn't want to fear the past anymore. Marge was gone…but she was still alive in his heart and always would be.

* * *

><p>Elliot walked into the apartment and noticed how quiet it was. He figured Olivia was napping so took his coat off and hung it up on the hook on the wall. He walked quietly down the hallway and saw her fast asleep in bed. He smiled and sat down on the edge of the bed, he took his shoes off and lay down beside her.<p>

She rolled over gently so her back was now to him and he noticed a few stray hairs on her pillow. His heart skipped a beat and he knew that things were really starting to change for her. He sighed and hoped that she would be able to handle it. To him it didn't matter if she had hair or not, she would always be beautiful but he knew she would feel insecure.

Sighing, he rolled over again and got up off the bed. He walked quietly to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He still had a good amount of hair for his age but it was thinning and receding. He opened the medicine cabinet and took out his electric shaver and smiled…

He flipped it on and without hesitating and started to shave the little hair that he did have on his head. Hearing the buzzing coming from the bathroom, Olivia opened her eyes slowly and looked around the room. She didn't see Elliot but she figured he was home.

She got up off the bed and reached for her favorite bathrobe, as she slipped it on she looked at her pillow and saw hair lying there. She sighed and picked them up before throwing it in the trashcan beside her dresser. She slipped her feet in her slippers and started to walk towards the bathroom curiously.

The door was open halfway and she peeked her head in, her heart dropped to her stomach when she saw what he was doing. "Elliot?"

He stopped what he was doing, having half of his head shaved already and he turned towards her. "Hey. Did I wake you up?"

She licked her lips and walked further into the bathroom. "I've been asleep for awhile. I needed to wake up." She paused and shut the bathroom door and leaned against it and put a hand on her cheek. "What are you doing?"

Elliot cleared his throat and looked back into the mirror shrugging. "What you don't like it? I figured it was time for a change…"

She licked her lips and felt tears welling up in her eyes. "No I mean…it looks good. Or…so far anyway." She said laughing. "But…why?"

He turned back towards her and smiled. "Because I can."

She laughed sadly feeling tears prickling in her eyes. "El…"

He turned back to the mirror and started to continue to shave the rest of his head. "I think it's going to look pretty good…"

She licked her lips nervously and smiled at him. "I'm sure it will look good."

They were silent as he continued to shave the rest of his head. When he was done he took a towel and rubbed it over his now baldhead before turning back to her. She had a huge smile on her face but there were still tears in her eyes.

He walked closer to her and bowed his head so she could look at it. "What do you think?"

She laughed as a few tears fell down her face and lifted her hands to his head and rubbed it. "I think you look sexy."

He lifted his head and smirked before leaning in to kiss her. "Of course I do. I'm always sexy…and I don't need hair to still be sexy right?"

She sighed knowing exactly what he was trying to do and say. She wasn't ready to have no hair yet but she loved the fact that he was being so supportive of her. She stood on her tiptoes and took his head in her hands again and kissed it gently.

"I love you so much." She whispered against his head.

He pulled away from her slowly and wrapped his arms around her waist. "I love you too. No matter what…"

She whimpered softly and wrapped her arms around his neck needing to hold him as tight as possible. He held her close and kissed the side of her face before he lifted her up and brought her to their bed.

They lay side by side staring at each other and Olivia couldn't keep her hands off of his head. Every now and then he would lean forward and leave soft kisses on her cheeks, nose, chin and lips.

They didn't have to say anything, they just needed to be together right now and hold each other close. All that mattered right now is that they were together and were going to stay together no matter what was thrown their way.

* * *

><p><strong>A little sadder than the last one...I know! But the next one gets better and I think you'll like it. I hope you liked this one even though it was a little sad. Send in those reviews :) I'm almost finished with the next chapter have just a little bit more to write so I'll post that as soon as I can. Thanks again for the support! <strong> 


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey guys :) I was hoping that I would update sooner than tonight but I moved back into school this weekend so I was pretty busy! Anyway...here is the new chapter and I hope you like it! I'll update again either tomorrow or by Wednesday at the latest. **

* * *

><p>After a month of intense treatments, it was clear that they were having quite an effect on Olivia physically. She was much thinner than she normally was, her skin was paler and her hair was now all gone. Casey and the girls had all chipped in to buy Olivia several scarves to where on her head so she wouldn't feel as self-conscious about being bald.<p>

Elliot often urged her to take the scarf off though so they could match seeing as he had continued to shave his own head to make her feel as comfortable as possible. And quite frankly he thought she looked just as beautiful as ever without it on. Despite the physical changes, Olivia had decided to remain as positive as she possibly could.

One afternoon, she was finishing up chemo treatments for the day when she saw a young girl sitting in the waiting room with her Mom. She could tell that despite her young age, she too was a patient waiting for her own treatments.

Elliot was going to be picking her up but she knew she had a few minutes before he got there. Slowly, she walked towards the girl and her Mother and smiled as she sat down beside her.

The little girl looked up at Olivia and smiled nervously. "Hi."

Olivia smiled down at her. "Hi. My name is Olivia. What's your name?"

She looked over at her Mother nervously to make sure it was okay that she was talking to a stranger, she just nodded at her daughter. "My name is Alana."

"Alana? Wow that is a beautiful name…" Olivia said leaning down towards her a little.

Alana smiled at her feeling more comfortable now. "I like your name too."

Olivia winked at her. "Thank you. Are you here to get some medicine?"

Alana's smile faded slightly and she looked down at the floor, where her feet didn't even touch the ground. "Yeah…it's my first day."

Olivia nodded slowly, she could tell she was afraid and she didn't blame her. "Oh…well you know I've been doing this for about two months now."

"Does it hurt?" The little girl asked nervously.

Olivia frowned. "It's not great but you look like a very brave girl so I know you can do this."

Alana sighed and looked back down at the floor. "I'm scared…"

"I know…" Olivia put a comforting hand on her back and rubbed it gently. "You know when I'm going through my treatments I do little things to try and forget what I'm actually doing."

Alana looked back at her curiously. "Like what?"

"Sometimes I close my eyes and think about being on a beach somewhere with my friends and family. Do you have a place that is your favorite place to be?" Olivia asked her softly.

Alana smiled up at her. "My Grandma and Grandpa live in Florida and when we go visit them Grampy takes me to Disney World! I love going on the tea cups with him and twirling and twirling until we can't see straight!"

Olivia laughed as the young girls Mom smiled, feeling grateful that this woman was reaching out to her. "Wow! That sounds like a lot of fun!"

Alana giggled. "And sometimes Grandpa will buy me the biggest ice cream come he can find! It's so yummy!"

"It sounds delicious." Olivia said leaning in to her. "I think while you are getting your medicine…you should think about being in Disney World with your Grandpa. Thinking about going on all the different rides and tasting all the yummy food. And before you know it…it will be over and you will be able to go home again."

Alana smiled at her. "I think I can do that."

Olivia squeezed her knee gently. "I know you can."

"What do you do if you get scared or it feels like it hurts?" Alana asked.

Olivia reached into her pocket and took out a small black and very smooth stone that she had had her whole life. "Whenever I get scared I take this stone in my hands and I roll it back and forth. It calms me down and takes my mind off of what is actually going on…"

Alana stared at it and reached out to it. "Wow…it's so pretty."

"Do you want to feel it?" Olivia asked her softly.

Just then Elliot started to walk down the hallway expecting to meet Olivia, he smiled when he saw her sitting with the young girl and her mother.

Alana reached out and ran a finger over the smooth surface. "It feels so cool…"

Olivia smiled at her. "Did it make you forget about why you are here?"

Alana looked up at her and smiled widely. "Yeah!"

Olivia smiled and looked down at the stone and then held it out to her. "Well…if you want you can keep it."

Looking stunned, Alana's eyes turned from the stone and back up to Olivia's face. "Really? But what will you do without it?"

Olivia shrugged and smiled at the young girl. "I've been doing this for awhile now. It's not as scary as it was in the beginning…I think you need it more than I do."

Alana turned to her Mom slowly. "Can I keep it Mommy?"

The girls Mother smiled and looked at Olivia. "Are you sure?" She asked her.

Olivia nodded. "Absolutely."

Her Mom looked down at her daughter and smiled. "You can keep it. But what do you say to Olivia?"

Alana turned and threw her arms around Olivia tightly. "Thank you Olivia."

Olivia's heart broke into a million pieces, hating that such a young girl was having to go through such a horrible disease. "You are very welcome sweetie."

Turning her head, Olivia saw that Elliot was leaning against the wall smiling at her. She smiled back and then turned back to Alana and handed her the stone.

"Good luck today…and remember if you get scared hold onto the stone really tightly and think about Disney World with your Grandpa. Okay?" She said leaning down towards her.

Alana nodded slowly. "Okay."

Olivia got up and walked towards Elliot, he took her hand and smiled. "You ready to go home?" He asked.

She turned back to Alana and winked at the young girl before starting to walk with Elliot down the hall. "I'm ready…"

They were almost at the elevator when they heard someone calling Olivia's name. They stopped in front of the elevator doors and turned back towards the voice.

It was the young girls Mother; she had tears in her eyes. "Hi…sorry to hold you up."

Olivia shook her head and smiled. "It's not a problem. Is everything okay?"

The woman sighed and wiped a tear away from her eyes. "My name is Ashley…I just…I wanted to say thank you for what you did for my daughter. She's sitting with her Dad right now and she's telling him all about the stone."

Olivia smiled happily at her. "Oh. Well…I'm glad she liked it."

Ashley sniffled and then laughed sadly. "I just…I've been trying to wrap my head around all this since we got her diagnosis. She's only seven years old and it doesn't seem fair that this could be happening to her. I wish it was me instead…"

"She's very lucky to have such supportive parents while she's going through this. I know it's hard because she is so young…but maybe that will be better because she doesn't really understand what's going on." Olivia said trying to be helpful.

Ashley nodded. "I am grateful for that…"

"The road ahead of you is going to be hard…but I have faith that Alana will be okay. The Doctors here are absolutely wonderful…and they've helped me so much." She said softly.

Ashley reached a hand out and squeezed Olivia's hand. "I'll be praying for you…"

Olivia squeezed her hand back and smiled. "Thank you. We'll be praying for you and your family as well. I'm sure we'll see you around here…"

She nodded and smiled at Olivia and then Elliot. "I hope so."

"Ashley?" A man's voice called out to her from down the hall.

They turned and saw Alana in her Dad's arms waiting with one of the Doctors; it was time for her treatments to start.

"That's my husband…" Ashley said turning back to them. "I should get back…"

Olivia nodded. "Go ahead. Your daughter needs you…"

Ashley smiled at them one last time and then walked down the hall to meet Alana and her husband. The little girl in her father's arms lifted her small hand and waved at Olivia and smiled. Olivia laughed and waved back as Elliot took her hand again and led her towards the elevator.

When the doors closed in front of them, Elliot put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his side kissing the top of her head. "You did a good thing…"

Olivia sighed and wrapped her own arm around his waist. "She's just a kid…"

He rubbed her back gently trying to comfort her. "I know…"

She nuzzled him gently and turned her head to kiss his neck. "I love you."

He kissed the top of her head again and squeezed her shoulder gently. "I love you too."

* * *

><p>Later that night they were sitting in the apartment after Elliot had made her some tea. They were planning on just staying in for the rest of the night but there was a knock on the door. Olivia looked at Elliot expectantly but he just shrugged and walked to the door to open it.<p>

He smiled when he saw who was on the other side. It was Munch, Cragen, Fin, Casey, Alex and Melinda all carrying bags of food and wine for them.

"We thought you guys could use some visitors." Melinda said smiling holding up one of the wine bottles.

Munch laughed. "Yeah. You've been hogging Olivia Elliot…its time she spends some time with her other friends."

Olivia walked up behind Elliot and smiled when she saw them. "Well I can't argue with that… I am getting pretty sick of him."

Elliot looked at her and frowned playfully. "Gee thanks honey."

She laughed and pushed him aside. "Come on in guys."

When they were all in the apartment, Fin and Alex started to bring the food into the kitchen and getting plates out so they could eat. Olivia walked back to the couch with Melinda and Casey and immediately starting gossiping about all sorts of things.

Elliot went with Munch and Cragen to get wine glasses for them all, as he was pouring out some wine Munch spoke to Elliot. "So how's she doing?"

Elliot smiled. "She seems to be doing really well actually. I mean she's obviously still very tired and doesn't feel great all the time but she's been a lot happier lately. I think she realizes that she can't just stop living because this is happening…she'd regret it later if she did."

"Good." Cragen said smiling over at her. "Her sprits seem higher than they have been in the past."

Munch smirked as he looked at Elliot's shaved head. "Still keeping the bald look?"

Elliot laughed and rolled his eyes. "Just trying to make her feel comfortable."

"I think it suits you." Cragen said laughing. "I mean…it's a very fashionable look if I do say so myself…" He said running his hands over his own baldhead.

"Yeah the only difference is that Elliot could grow his hair back if he wanted to unlike you Cap…" Fin said laughing as he caught onto their conversation.

"Hey. If you like you're job I suggest you keep your mouth shut Odafin." Don said glaring at him jokingly.

They all laughed and started to bring the glasses over to the girls in the living room. Munch stayed behind to help Fin and Alex get dinner ready for everyone. Elliot handed a glass of wine to Olivia and sat down on the leather chair beside her.

"Thanks babe." She said smiling at him and settling into the couch as she took a sip of the wine.

"Look at you two…" Casey said laughing. "All couply and everything. It's so adorable! I can't believe you just called me babe."

Olivia rolled her eyes as everyone laughed. "Oh here we go…"

"What? I'm just saying it's nice to see you guys finally together." Casey said honestly.

"I agree." Melinda said lifting her own class and toasting to them. "It's about damn time."

Elliot laughed and put a gentle hand on Olivia's leg. "It took us awhile but we're happy now. That's all that matters…"

"I'm surprised it actually took you guys so long." Cragen said laughing. "I remember the day I introduced you two…I was worried that before the end of the night you would be having sex in the cribs."

Everyone laughed and Olivia blushed. "Oh my God!"

Elliot chuckled and shrugged. "Don't think the thought didn't cross my mind…but I wouldn't have done anything since I was married."

"You may have been physically faithful but I think we can all agree that your weren't mentally faithful." Fin said walking towards them with a few plates of food.

"Hey!" Elliot said laughing. "That's not true…"

"You just said you were thinking about having sex with her in the cribs the day you guys met!" Munch said laughing. "So you can't deny that you thought about it a lot…"

Elliot groaned and looked over at Olivia who was just smiling at him. "Alright fine. I thought about it…" Everyone waited and he laughed. "A lot."

"Hey do you remember that day we walked in them working out in the gym at the precinct?" Fin asked Munch as he handed him a plate.

Munch started laughing. "Oh yeah. If we hadn't interrupted when we did…they may have gotten together that very night."

"What are you guys talking about?" Olivia asked glaring at them.

Fin chuckled and sat down on the floor by the coffee table. "Shall we take a trip down memory lane Munch?"

"I think we might have too…" Munch said chuckling as everyone listened intently.

* * *

><p><em>One night as the team waited for more evidence to help nail their perp, Olivia decided to take her frustrations out on the punching bag in the precinct gym. She could have gone to sleep but she knew that she would never be able to turn off her racing mind.<em>

_She changed her clothes in the locker room and then walked down to the gym. There was no one there, which suited her just fine, she turned on her iPod and put the headphones in her ears. She stretched out as much as she could and jumped up and down a few times shaking out her arms._

_The lifted her arm back and threw the hardest punch she could muster. The blue punching bag started to swing back and forth and as she hit she started to feel the tension leave her body._

_With each punch she threw, she imagined it was the face of the perp they were after. He had raped four young girls under the age of twelve, but so far they didn't have enough physical evidence to really nail him to the wall._

_Her punches became harder and she started to knee the bag and kick it as hard as she could. She couldn't understand how any man could harm such innocent girls; it made her sick to her stomach._

_Elliot had wandered into the gym hoping to release some of his own tension. He stopped in the doorway when he saw Olivia beating the hell out of the bag. He knew this case had taken a toll on her and she was feeling extremely frustrated with the job as of late._

_As he watched her, he thought about what it would be like if she left SVU and he had to have a new partner. She wasn't the only partner he had ever had, but she was the best he had ever had. And of course…as he continued to watch her he once again began to remember just how attractive he found her._

_She was wearing a tight pair of black spandex pants that shaped her legs and ass perfectly. She wore only a sports bra on top showing off her perfectly toned stomach and abs, and his eyes wandered up to her chest which looked like it wanted to burst out of her bra. He swallowed hard and tried to shake the image from his mind…she was his partner and most importantly he was married!_

_He took a few tentative steps towards her and called out her name, not wanting to startle her. But since she had her headphones in she didn't hear him but he knew he had to announce himself somehow._

_Carefully he walked even closer to her and put a hand on her shoulder, he didn't realize just how focused and tense she was. Before he knew what was happening she had turned quickly, kneed him in the stomach and had him in a headlock on his knees._

_"Jesus!" He yelled in a hoarse whisper feeling the tightness of her arm around his throat._

_Olivia immediately let go when she realized it was him and backed away, panting as she went. "Damn it Elliot! Don't you know you shouldn't sneak up on someone like that?"_

_He stood up slowly and groaned, rubbing both his stomach and neck as he laughed. "Well I had to let you know I was here somehow…" He said still trying to regain his voice._

_She sighed and wiped a hand over her sweaty forehead. "Why didn't you just call my name or something?"_

_He looked at her and laughed. "I tried but you had your music too damn loud!"_

_She sighed and ripped the other headphone out of her ear and glared at him. "Yeah well…" She sighed and let out a tired laugh. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."_

_He stretched out his arms and chuckled. "I'll live…"_

_She smiled softly and leaned against the wall. "Good. I'm glad…don't want to have to break in a new partner."_

_Elliot watched her for a moment, he could tell she was still very upset about their case and was feeling very burnt out. "You okay?"_

_She slid down to the floor to stretch out her legs. "Just aggravated that we haven't gotten this asshole yet."_

_Elliot nodded. "I know. But we'll get him…it looks like you were getting your frustrations out on the punching back though." He said smiling._

_She laughed and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the wall. "Well since I can't beat him up…I figured it's the next best thing."_

_Elliot walked over to the other side of the bag and held it in his hands. "Want me to spot you?"_

_Olivia smiled and pushed herself up off the ground and walked towards the bag. "Think you can handle it?"_

_Elliot nodded confidently and smiled. "You bet I can."_

_Munch and Fin had come down to find Olivia and Elliot to let them know that they had new evidence to work with. But they stopped when they saw Elliot and Olivia playfully at the bag just as Olivia started to punch it._

_"You have good form. I'll give you that…" Elliot said bracing himself behind the bag as she continued to beat the hell out of it._

_She spun quickly and gave it a swift kicking knocking him back slightly. "Gee thanks."_

_He stumbled back slowly and tried to brace himself again. "Do that again."_

_Olivia smirked at him and went back into her stance before spinning and slamming her foot into the bag again. She felt her heart jump in her chest when she noticed that Elliot had his eyes on her legs and hips. She licked her lips and started to realize that the room was getting warmer, and she didn't think it had anything to do with her working out._

_"Where did you learn how to do that?" Elliot asked her impressed by the move, and liking how it made her body look._

_Olivia smiled. "I took a kickboxing class in college. My instructor Pepe taught it to me."_

_He laughed and stood up, letting go of the bag. "His name was Pepe?"_

_She pushed the bag so it would hit him in the stomach and laughed. "Yeah. It was. Is that a problem?"_

_He pushed the bag back and laughed walking around it. "No. Just weird…"_

_She laughed and watched him walk into the middle of the gym where the mats were. "Well if you think you can take me…prove it."_

_Elliot turned and raised his eyebrows, still unaware that Munch and Fin were watching them from the doorway. "Is that a dare?"_

_She walked towards him and balanced herself as she lifted her arms, ready to hit him. "Yeah it is. You scared?"_

_"I just don't want to hurt you…" Elliot said playfully, they both knew that neither of them had any intention of actually causing any harm to one another but it was fun to play along._

_She rolled her eyes. "I'll have you pinned before you get the chance Stabler…"_

_He rolled his eyes and swung his arms back and forth as he moved his legs apart to face her. "We'll see about that Benson…"_

_She smirked and started to walk sideways getting ready for him to make the first move. But he seemed to want her to initiate it, so when he was least expecting it she put in her first punch, which he successfully blocked. He chuckled and stepped back before putting his hand out and beckoning her to try again._

_She stepped forwards and swayed back and forth looking for the perfect place to hit him without causing any pain. She went to throw a punch at his face, which he went to block but she was only faking it. Quickly she moved her fist from his face down to his stomach and successfully punched him in the gut._

_He groaned, surprised that she was able to trick him. She didn't waste anytime in putting her foot between his legs as he stumbled and before he knew it she had him flipped over on his back and she was straddling his waist._

_Elliot stared up at her, shocked that she had been able to get him down so quickly. He wasn't planning on really attacking her but he had expected to hold his own at least for a little while. He stared up at her, shock clearly visible on his face, which only made her smile more._

_She laughed and didn't move from her spot. "Told you. You didn't even get in one hit and I already had you flat on your back…"_

_He stared up at her, feeling his body react to the close contact they had. "I was going easy on you…"_

_She rolled her eyes and laughed. "You wish Stabler. I'm a lot stronger than I look."_

_His hands instinctively went to her waist, and he felt her jump just slightly at his movements, which made him smirk. "I guess so…"_

_He could tell that her confidence was waning and she was falling under his control again. "What are you doing?"_

_He didn't say a word but quickly and almost silently flipped her over so now he had her pinned on the ground. Her face looked up at him completely caught off guard, her cheeks were red and her eyes were wide and he couldn't let the smirk fade on his face._

_"You're strong but I've got skills too Benson…" He said holding her arms up over her head._

_She licked her lips and couldn't ignore the images floating in her mind thinking about being in this position on her bed. His strong muscular arms were bare because he was wearing a wife beater and it took all her might not to stare at them. She knew she was breathing heavy but quite frankly she couldn't stop it because her heart was pounding in her chest._

_Elliot was just about to say something to her when Fin cleared his throat and Munch tried not to laugh where they were standing. Both of their eyes turned quickly to the door and looked stunned to see their co-workers standing there. But despite learning that they weren't alone anymore…neither of them moved from their positions._

_"We got some more evidence from Warner. Cap says you two need to come back upstairs and help us again but I can tell him that you are otherwise occupied…" Fin said smirking at them._

_Olivia looked up and realized what a provocative position they were in and she lifted her knee to kick him off of her. "Sorry guys…Elliot was just helping me out with a few kickboxing moves…" She said blushing._

_She jumped up quickly and Elliot grasped his stomach trying to catch his breath and come back to reality as Munch and Fin looked at him expectantly. "Yeah…she just wanted to sharpen her skills a little."_

_Much smirked. "I've seen Liv man handle plenty of perps out on the job. I don't think she needs to sharpen any of her skills…"_

_Olivia grabbed her water bottle from the bench nearby and shrugged. "It never hurts to practice though right? Keeps you on your toes…"_

_"Oh it looked like you were practicing for something alright…but I don't think it had anything to do with tackling perps." Munch said laughing._

_Fin chuckled too. "And you won't be on your toes…you'll be on your back. Or your knees depending on what you two are into…"_

_Olivia chucked her water bottle at them and started to walk towards them. "You guys are such perverts. That's never going to happen so get the image out of your heads."_

_She pushed past Fin and Munch without taking another look at Elliot. Elliot was still on the ground but he pushed himself off the ground and glared at Munch and Fin who were still laughing hysterically._

_"Nice guys. Really nice…" He said rubbing the back of his neck._

_Munch rolled his eyes. "Oh please…tell me you didn't enjoy that!"_

_"I don't know what you're talking about…we were just goofing around." Elliot said walking towards them._

_"Yeah…keep telling yourself that." Fin said as Elliot pushed past them roughly and went upstairs._

_Munch clapped Fin on the back and said as he laughed, "How much longer do you think they'll pretend they don't want each other?"_

_Fin laughed and shook his head. "Those two are so stubborn I guarantee it will take a few more years."_

_Munch sighed and started to walk back upstairs to meet them. "We're so screwed."_

* * *

><p>After they finished telling their story, everyone was laughing hysterically in the living room apartment. Even Olivia and Elliot were laughing even though they both seemed to be blushing slightly.<p>

"Are you still going to tell me you were just trying to sharpen your skills?" Fin said glaring at Olivia.

She rolled her eyes. "I plead the fifth."

Everyone started laughing harder and Elliot reached out for her hand. "It's okay Liv…you can admit it. We all know you wanted me back then…"

She turned towards him and raised an eyebrow. "And you didn't? Don't try and deny it because from the position I was in straddling your hips…I could feel you wanted me."

He chuckled along with everyone else and he shrugged. "I'm not denying it."

Alex laughed and lifted her glass. "Well…I think we can all agree that no mater how long it took you guys…we're very happy that you're together now."

Olivia smiled and leaned over to caress Elliot's cheek. "I'm very happy myself. I don't know what I would do without him right now. He's been my rock."

Elliot winked at her and put his hand over hers that was on his cheek. "Well…I figured you've had my back for so long it's about time I return the favor."

"I agree with that." Cragen said laughing. "She saved your ass quite a few times on my watch…"

Everyone laughed and Munch lifted his glass. "I think a toast is in order." They all lifted their glasses and Munch continued. "To Olivia and Elliot…for finally getting together. And to Olivia kicking this cancers ass…keep up the good work and you'll be back to work in no time!"

They all cheered and clinked their glasses together. They spent the rest of the night talking and laughing which was something that Olivia really needed. It felt good to spend time with the people she loved most in the world and not have to think about anything else.

When they had all gone home, Olivia was laying in bed smiling and thinking about how much fun she had had with them all. Elliot was finishing brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed as he walked into the bedroom. He smiled at her and lay down on the bed beside her.

"What are you smiling about?" He asked her.

She sighed and rolled over onto her side so she could stare at him. "I'm just glad they came over tonight. It was nice to see them all together."

He smiled and leaned forward to reach for the scarf on her head, he started to unravel it slowly. "It was fun."

"What are you doing?" She asked pouting as he slipped it off of her head.

He smiled at her and threw it on the ground beside the bed. "I told you I like it better when you don't wear it."

She rolled her eyes. "You're just saying that…"

He smiled and rolled over on top of her, he kissed her head gently and then looked into her eyes. "I'm not just saying that. You're beautiful just the way you are Liv…you're always beautiful."

She sighed and stared up at him, she cupped his face. "You know…if you weren't married I probably would have screwed you in the gym that day."

He laughed and leaned down to kiss her passionately. "If I wasn't married I would have screwed you that day and everyday after."

She smiled and kissed him again as one of his hands slid up her shirt and rubbed her stomach gently. As far as se since she started chemo, it had been pretty none existent. But right now in this moment, alls he wanted was top of the perfect day by making love to the man of her dreams. It didn't matter how insecure she felt on the inside, because he made her feel beautiful with just one simple touch.

Despite everything…life was good. 

* * *

><p><strong>Hope you liked this chapter :) Let me know and review! But to all the anonymous reviewers sending in vicious reviews...please stop. It's getting old and its rude. To all of you that have been supporting me through the story. THANK YOU!<strong>


	20. Chapter 20

**Hello all! Once again thanks for the amazing reviews and support against all the negative anonymous reviews and reviewers! I'm glad you liked the last chapter and even though this one is a little sadder than the one before...happiness is ahead! Don't worry! I hope you enjoy the chapter still though!  
><strong>

* * *

><p>One afternoon, Olivia was at the apartment by herself while Elliot was at work. She was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels feeling extremely bored. The last three days she had been stuck in bed feeling extremely nauseas. Elliot had done his best to support her but all he could really do was sit beside her and hold her.<p>

Sighing, she turned the TV off and looked at the door wishing Elliot would walk through it soon. She knew he still had two hours left on duty and it was important for him to be back at work right now.

She sat up on the couch and looked out the window to see the huge city below her. It was the first time she really began to realize just how big New York City was. She felt so small sitting up here in her apartment unable to join the world below her. It was mid winter and extremely cold, the doctors said it was best for her to stay inside as much as she could to stay away from any germs.

The only problem was, she had never been stuck I bed for weeks at a time like this. She had always been a mover and a shaker, never taking a minute to relax. She used to think she might enjoy taking some time off, but now that she had infinite time off…she had never been so bored in her life.

She turned from the window and pulled herself up off the couch and started to pace the apartment. She needed to do something before she completely lost her mind or did something extremely stupid. She was just about to give up when she looked over to the bookcase and saw her old record player that she hadn't turned on in years.

She flipped the button on to make sure it still worked and smiled when it lit up. Then she went to her bedroom and over to the closet, reaching up to the shelf up top she pulled down a large box of records she had been saving. Placing it on her bed, she started to flip through them to find one that she wanted to listen to.

Her heart jumped in her chest when her fingers came across "Abbey Road" by the Beatles. She remembered the first time she had played it and forgot about all her problems and melted into the music. She took the box and walked back to the living room and put the record on.

The static started first as she walked to the middle of the room as "Come Together" started to ring through the speakers. The smile grew on her face and she started to move with the music and close her eyes letting all her worries wash away with the beat. Her legs were sore since she was losing so much muscle mass but she didn't care…it felt to good being able to dance to stop.

She spun around and around as the music continued to play and let the tears fall not being afraid to show her emotions. She was finally free…

* * *

><p>Elliot was at work helping Munch and Fin with tapes of evidence with their latest case. He hadn't been home in almost 24 hours while they tried to nail their latest suspect but he had called to check in on Olivia as often as he could. He also knew that Casey had stayed with her until late into the night which made him feel better.<p>

He got up to get another cup off coffee when he saw his daughter Kathleen walking towards him. "Hey honey. What are you doing here?"

Kathleen smiled and kissed her Dad on the cheek. "I was in the neighborhood so I thought I'd drop in and say hi. I hope that's okay."

He smiled at her and rubbed her arm. "Of course. What are you up to today?"

"I had to meet a girl from one of my classes for a group project nearby. We just finished up and I have a few hours before I have to go to work tonight." She said shrugging.

Elliot smiled and took a sip of his coffee. "Did you have lunch?"

She shook her head. "No. I was hoping that I could take you out for a bite to eat actually. On me of course…"

"On you?" He said raising an eyebrow. "Well this is new…"

She laughed and shrugged. "I figured you could use a break. Think you can skip out for a little bit?"

Elliot nodded and looked over at Munch and Fin. "Yeah. I think it should be okay."

He went to talk to Cragen and got the okay before getting his coat and keys. He walked back to Kathleen and put his arm around her as they started to walk towards the elevator in the hall.

"How's Olivia doing?" Kathleen asked as they rode the elevator down to the bottom floor and started to walk to their favorite place for lunch.

He shrugged and squeezed her shoulder. "She's hanging in there."

"Mom said she saw her at the hospital on Monday after her chemo. She said she has lost a lot of weight…" Kathleen whispered softly.

Elliot nodded slowly and tried to smile. "All part of the chemo I guess."

Kathleen rubbed her Dad's back and then opened the door for him to the restaurant. "How are you doing?"

Elliot smiled at her as they sat down at their favorite booth. "Taking it one day at a time."

Kathleen smiled and put her hands on the table and stared at him for a moment before saying. "I've been thinking a lot about Olivia lately…"

He raised an eyebrow as he lifted up his menu, "Oh yeah?"

She smiled and rested her chin in her hand. "Yeah. I don't know…she's just been there for me a lot in my life and I just wish I could help her somehow."

"Olivia cares about you kids a lot." He said as the waiter put waters in front of them and then walked away again.

"You know when I was arrested…Olivia got Grandma to come talk to me so I would get help." Kathleen whispered nervously.

Elliot smiled as he took a sip of his water. "Yeah…Olivia mentioned that a few months ago. I'm surprised none of you ever told me about it."

Kathleen shrugged. "Grandma and Olivia said not too so I just kept my mouth shut."

He laughed. "Well…that sounds about right. The two of them are both very stubborn and like to not get any recognition for all the good they do."

She smiled and closed her menu; she already knew what she wanted. "After I got out and started going to counseling and stuff I called Olivia a lot."

This was news to him so he put his menu down to pay closer attention to her. "You did?"

Kathleen smiled thinking about the memories. "Yeah. And sometimes she took me out to dinner on Sunday nights when she wasn't working."

Elliot smiled thinking about Olivia bonding with his daughter. "Well that was very nice of her."

She swallowed the lump in her throat. "It's like she totally understood how I was feeling. About being overwhelmed and afraid of my own emotions ya know? She listened to everything I had to say without passing any judgment. No one else did that…"

Elliot cleared his throat. "She is an excellent listener. And she gives really good advice. I just wish she'd take some of her advice for herself sometimes…"

Kathleen smiled knowing just how much her father really did love Olivia. "When summer came along I got busy again and didn't see her as much. We still talked on the phone from time to time but not as much as we used too…"

Elliot shrugged. "It's okay Kathleen. We all have our own lives. I know Olivia understands that you were busy."

She licked her lips and said softly. "Yeah but…I never thanked her for all she did for me. I always figured I'd have time and now it's been three years since then and she still doesn't understand how much she means to me."

Now he was starting to understand where this was going. "Kathleen…"

"When you first left…I thought about calling her but something stopped me. I don't know if it was because I was to angry at you or because I didn't want to burden her with how I felt when I knew she missed you too." She said staring down at the table.

Elliot sighed and nodded. "I hurt a lot of people when I left…I'll never truly be able to make up for that. But I'm trying."

Kathleen looked back up at him and smiled. "I know you are…and you're doing a really good job at it. You've been great since you came back."

He smiled and shrugged. "Maybe…"

Kathleen sighed and started to trace the letters of the menu with her finger. "When you told us all that Olivia had breast cancer…I didn't know what to think."

Elliot laughed and leaned back in the booth. "I don't think anyone knew what to think about it."

She nodded slowly and looked back up at him. "I've been wanting to call her…but I guess I just don't know what to say."

He shook his head and said softly. "You don't have to say anything about her having cancer if that's what you're worried about. It's actually easier for her if you don't say anything about it at all…"

Kathleen nodded and let a tear slip down her cheek. "It's like I said before…I always thought I'd have more time to build up the courage to thank her for everything. But now…"

Elliot sighed softly and fidgeted in his seat. "Now you're worried that there isn't going to be enough time…"

She whimpered softly knowing this wouldn't be an easy conversation for him to have. "Yeah. I'm afraid…I'm going to wait to long and then she'll be…."

Kathleen couldn't bring herself to say the word so she just trailed off. Elliot was silent for a few moments, as he stared down at the cold table trying to erase the thought of Olivia dying from his mind. She was afraid she had gone to far when he looked back up at her and smiled softly.

"No one knows what's going to happen…I wish I could say that Olivia is going to be fine. But…there are no guarantees about that." He said shrugging.

Kathleen wiped a tear away from her eye and smiled sadly. "I know…"

He sighed again and then leaned against the counter, he knew as hard as it was to talk about he had to be strong for his daughter. "I'm sure Olivia knows how much you appreciate what she did back then. You don't have to call her if it's to hard for you. It's okay…"

She shook her head. "No it's not. I'd never forgive myself if something did happen and I never actually said the words. Even if she does know I need to say it…"

He reached across the table and took her hand, squeezing it gently he said. "I'll go with you if you want…"

Kathleen looked at their hands on the table and whispered. "Are you scared?"

He closed his eyes tightly and nodded. "Terrified."

"I know you love her…" She whispered as he opened his eyes again. "You really love her…"

He smiled softly at her and nodded. "Yes. I do."

"I hope someday I can find a love like you two have…" She said sadly.

Elliot smiled and leaned back in the booth again. "I hope you do too."

Kathleen tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Do you think it would be okay to come to the apartment later with you so I can talk to her?"

Elliot shrugged. "I'd have to call her to make sure she is feeling up to visitors. If she isn't having a good day we might need to reschedule."

Kathleen licked her lips and nodded. "Okay."

"She's still the same Olivia…" He said sensing she was afraid to see Olivia. "She may look different…thinner and she doesn't have hair anymore. But underneath it all…she's still there. She's still the same person."

Kathleen nodded and smiled. "I know. I'm just afraid I'll start crying when I see her…I don't want to make her uncomfortable."

"She's not going to get mad at you if you cry." He said smiling softly at her. "It's okay…this isn't an easy thing."

She sniffled sadly. "It's just…I've never really known anyone who has been sick like this ya know? I don't know how to react…"

"Even if someone has been through this kind of situation before…it's never easy. You don't want to talk about it because the person doesn't need another reminder you know? But at the same time it's impossible to avoid it…" He said softly.

Kathleen nodded slowly. "Maybe I'll know what to say when I see her?"

He smiled and nodded. "I think you will."

Kathleen swallowed hard as the waitress started to walk over to them. "Thanks Dad…"

He smiled at her and winked. "Don't mention it."

* * *

><p>Back at the apartment Olivia had changed the album to "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" by Elton John. She was dancing around the apartment to "Bennie &amp; The Jets" and singing along to every word.<p>

Every part of her body ached because she hadn't moved this much in months but it didn't matter. She felt dizzy as she spun around and her scarf whipped back and forth, hitting her face and neck as she went. It was smooth against her tired and aching skin and it felt soothing.

She thought back to college when she had danced on top of a table in her friend Katie's apartment to this song. She had been so carefree then, she had finally left her Mom's house and was on her own. As scary as it was she was finally starting to find herself and it felt so exciting.

She remembered going to parties, meeting new people, drinking and having fun. It seemed like a million years ago, like it was almost a dream that never really happened. She wondered how time had passed so fast since those days and where all those people she had been friends with were now.

Were they married? Did they have kids? What did they do for a living? Were they all alive? Or did some of them get sick like her and die?

The thought of death made her heart race more than it already was and she started to dance more furiously. It was almost like if she stopped dancing she would stop living completely and that was a thought she just couldn't take.

Back then she had so many plans for her life and not one of her plans consisted of getting breast cancer. She felt furious with life and yet wondered if she had brought this upon her self. Yes she had joined SVU, which is something she had always wanted to do, but she had so many more plans and now it felt like they were so far out of reach.

She thought she would have gotten married someday and had children. Even though she had Elliot now and was incredibly grateful for that it still made her wonder what her life would have been like if she had settled down years earlier.

As she moved around the room to the music she closed her eyes and pictured a life she could have had with a husband and kids. What would it have been like coming home after work to screaming children and a handsome husband to kiss her at the door? Would she have been able to fit into that life?

She had always been independent and work oriented and it made it heart to imagine fitting a family life into her schedule no matter how much she wanted it. Maybe the problem was that the only person she wanted a family life with was Elliot but now it was too late for that.

The song changed and her dancing slowed down and she thought about her future with Elliot. He had mentioned adoption because he knew how much she wanted to be a mother. It had been tempting, it was also something she had thought of doing on her own years before. But that was before she got sick…

Even if she beat cancer now…there was no guarantee that it wouldn't come back later. It happened to people all the time didn't it? She couldn't imagine finally getting the child she always wanted and then finding out she was sick later on down the road. The thought abandoning that child if she lost her battle eventually made her not want to adopt at all.

Her head was spinning with so many emotions and she could feel the tears burning in her eyes. But she kept dancing…if she stopped she would have to face her fears again. She had been doing so well lately and whenever she had a bad day it was too terrifying to try and deal with it all. She had to keep moving…as long as she was moving nothing else mattered.

* * *

><p>After lunch, Kathleen and Elliot walked back to the precinct. Kathleen had to go back to her place before she had to work so they stopped in front of the building outside.<p>

Elliot smiled at her. "What time do you get off of work?"

Kathleen looked at her watch. "I should be done at 8:30. Would that be to late to come see Olivia?"

Elliot shook his head. "I don't thin so. I'll call her once I get back upstairs and just see how she is feeling. Then I'll shoot you a text and let you know if it's okay to come over. If it's not we can set up another time this week maybe."

Kathleen nodded and started to kick at the ground. "Okay…"

He reached over and put a hand on her shoulder trying to comfort her. "It's going to be okay honey."

Kathleen looked back up at him and tried to smile but her eyes were filled with tears. "I know…I know. It's just scary."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. It really is…"

Kathleen sighed and leaned forward to wrap her arms around his neck. "I love you Dad."

He kissed the side of her head and hugged her back. "I love you too kiddo. So much."

She smiled and pulled back. "Well thanks for having lunch with me."

He chuckled. "Thanks for paying."

She rolled her eyes. "Don't get used to it…"

He laughed and watched her start to walk towards her car parked on the street. "I won't. Drive safe. I'll text you soon."

"Okay. Bye Dad." She said waving one last time before getting in the car.

He waited until she pulled away and then walked into the precinct. He took the elevator upstairs and walked over to his desk. He saw Munch and Fin sitting at their desks drinking coffee and talking.

"How was lunch?" Fin asked turning to Elliot when he noticed him.

Elliot smiled. "Good. It was nice to spend some time with just Kathleen. I haven't hung out with her that much since I've been back."

"That's good." Munch said taking a sip of his coffee. "How is she doing these days anyway?"

Elliot sat down at his desk and shrugged. "She's doing well with school and in handling her disorder. She seems to be having a hard time with Olivia being sick though…Live has been a real big role model for her. None of my kids have ever really seen anyone sick like this before so its scary."

"It's scary for everyone." Fin said leaning against his desk. "We all wish we could just fix this for her but we can't."

Elliot laughed sadly and wiped a tired hand over his face. "Seriously. I can't believe it's 2012 and we haven't found a cure for cancer yet."

"Sometimes I think the government has one but they are just holding out on us to be able to control the population." Munch said shaking his head disapprovingly.

Fin rolled his eyes. "You and your damn conspiracy theories."

Munch looked over at him and glared. "They aren't theories Fin. They are facts."

"So you say. And you only know about them because you spend so much time on those stupid websites talking about when the world is going to end and all that crap." Fin said standing up to refill his coffee cup.

Munch shook his finger disapprovingly at him. "You know someday when one of my theories as you call them actually proves to be true you are going to be begging me for advice on how to handle the situation."

Fin looked at Elliot who was just laughing and then back to Munch. "Don't hold your breath. I think I can hold my own."

"We'll see…" Munch said leaning back in his chair.

Elliot chuckled and picked up his phone to call Olivia. "You guys are freaks."

He tried the house phone first but she didn't answer, it went straight to the message machine. Then he dialed her cell number thinking maybe she was out but it too went straight to voice mail. He frowned and hung up the phone as Fin and Munch continued to bicker.

Munch turned to Elliot to ask his opinion on something but noticed the nervous look on his face. "Everything okay?"

Elliot turned to him slowly and nodded. "Yeah. Liv just didn't answer either phone. She usually answers right away…"

Fins looked at Munch and then back at Elliot trying to comfort him. "Maybe she's just taking a nap."

He shrugged. "Yeah but usually she leaves her cell phone on in case I call."

"I'm sure everything's fine…" Munch whispered trying to sound reassuring.

Elliot nodded slowly and rubbed the back of his neck feeling nervous. "Yeah. You're probably right…"

Fin stood up and walked over to his desk. "You want to take a crack at Fergusson again? He's in the interrogation room sweating it out right now. Maybe he's finally ready to talk."

Elliot knew it was good to stay distracted so he stood up as he nodded. "Yeah. Let's do it."

Elliot walked towards the interrogation room as Fin looked back at Munch as if to say try and keeping calling Olivia. Munch nodded understanding what he wanted and picked up the phone to dial the number.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Olivia continued to dance away her worries all the time feeling her legs screaming for her to stop. She was so tired but to afraid to stop. As she moved onto Aerosmith and was dancing around to "Walk This Way". She thought she could faintly hear her cell phone ringing but she didn't feel like stoping to check and answer it.<p>

If she stopped dancing something bad would happen, that's what she had convinced herself of. She closed her eyes again and spun around making her feel like a little kid again. This was something she would do when her mother would come hoem drunk some nights. Whenever she wanted to escape she would lock herself in her bedroom and turn the music up and spin and spin until she was so dizzy she would fall over.

Back then she thought if she spun around fast enough she would be able to escape all her problems. Of course that was never true…but it was still good to have something to hold on to and believe in when she really needed it.

Right now spinning made her feel young and carefree. She couldn't help but thinking about her Mom and wondering where she was right now. Obviously she had died years before but she had often wondered what happened after death. She had asked Elliot about what his thoughts on heaven were, she knew religion was very important to him but she still didn't feel like she could connect with it.

If there was a heaven, was her mother there right now? Yes she had made many mistakes in her life but Olivia still believed and knew that she was a good person. Serena had been dealt a bad hand in life and had no one to support her to try and deal with it.

She wanted to believe that heaven was real and that she was happy and at peace there. She wondered if Serena was watching over her and trying to help her through this. If she were here…would she be by her side? Or would she not be able to handle the fact that her daughter was so sick? If that were the case she no doubt would turn to alcohol to dull the pain…

Her heart was beating faster in her chest and she couldn't help but wish she had a family to support her right now. Elliot and her friends were her family, she knew that but it wasn't the same. No one would ever be able to understand how difficult it was to not have a true real biological family.

It didn't seem fair.

Nothing seemed fair right now.

So the only thing she could do was to keep dancing…

* * *

><p>After another forty-five minutes of interrogating their suspect Bill Fergusson, he finally cracked. Elliot felt better now that he had the confession and they would be able to start getting their victim justice.<p>

However, he was still thinking about the fact that Olivia hadn't answered the phone. He knew she really could be sleeping but his paranoia was beginning to get to him. Walking back out to his desk with Fin, he sat down and quickly picked up the phone.

Fin sat down at his own desk and looked over to Munch to see if he had had any luck. Munch had continued to call over and over but had no luck getting in touch with her, he shook his head and it made Fin look nervous.

Elliot dialed the number for her cell phone and listened to it ring feeling extremely impatient and nervous. When he got her voicemail again he sighed and hung up as he rubbed a hand over his face.

"Maybe you should go home and check on her…" Munch said sensing Elliot's anxiety level rising.

Elliot turned towards him and nodded. "Yeah I think I might."

Fin smiled and looked over at Cragen's office and saw that he was on the phone. "You go ahead. We'll talk to Cap for you."

Elliot nodded in appreciation and grabbed his coat and quickly made his way to the elevator. He was so nervous he couldn't seem to stand still…he just hoped she was okay.

* * *

><p>She was still dancing around even though her legs felt like jelly. She had tears burning in her eyes but she couldn't let them fall. She wouldn't let them fall…she just twirled and twirled and sang all the words to her favorite songs.<p>

When the door opened, she didn't hear it and Elliot felt a sense of relief when he saw her on her feet. He closed the door waiting for her to turn towards him but she didn't. Even though she was dancing, he could tell that she was in some sort of pain and that something was going on with her.

Her eyes were closed shut as she spun and danced as fast as her legs could take her. And yet…she was shaking.

He walked towards her slowly, not wanting to frighten her because she still didn't know he was there. He could hear the hitch in her voice as she sung to the words; she was out of breath but also scared.

When he was just feet from where she was dancing she finally opened her eyes. He was worried she would jump or scream but instead, she stopped dead in her tracks and just stared at him.

He put his keys down on the coffee table and turned back towards her. The music was extremely loud so he didn't even try and talk to her because he knew she wouldn't be able to hear him.

Instead, he walked over to her and could see the pain in her eyes. He pulled her up against him and held her hips. Sighing, she wrapped her arms around his neck and rested her cheek on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

He swayed her back and forth, which was good because he could tell she felt very weak. Her body was trembling as he danced with her and he kissed the side of her face trying to help her in anyway that he could.

She sighed and sniffled as she leaned further into him. "I was afraid if I stopped dancing my life would stop…that's ridiculous isn't it?"

He rested his cheek against the top of her head and closed his eyes. "No."

"I couldn't stop thinking…about so many things. I can't turn my brain off and it scares me…" She whispered into his ear as she tried to catch her breath.

He let one of his hands slide up her back as the song changed to a slow one making it easier for them to dance. "I know Liv…I know."

She pulled away just enough to be able to look him in the eyes. "I'm so tired now…but I don't want to stop."

He looked into her eyes and knew what she was really saying. It was getting harder to fight this but she wasn't ready to give up on life yet. She had so much more to give and he knew that, they both did.

Gently, he picked her up so her feet could rest on his so he could dance for the both of them. She looked confused and afraid at first but then when she knew what he was doing she laughed and rested her cheek back against on his shoulder.

He breathed her in and continued to sway to the music. "I won't let you stop…"

Elliot continued to move her back and forth across the room as long as he could. Finally he felt her relax against him and her breath even out in his ear. He knew she was finally falling asleep and rest was exactly what she needed now.

He scooped her up carefully and walked to the bedroom as the album finally ended. With one hand, he pulled back the covers and laid her down as gently as he could. She rolled over onto her side and fell into a deep sleep, he stared down at her for a moment and caressed her cheek.

He felt better knowing nothing to serious was going wrong when she didn't answer the phone. But…he could still tell treatments were taking a toll on her and he had to find a way to get her away at least for a little while.

Sighing, he walked out to the living room and turned off the record player. He picked up the phone and called Fin at work to let him know that she was okay. He sat down on the couch and then called Kathleen.

_"Hey Dad." Kathleen said picking up on the second ring._

He closed his eyes and rested his head against the back of the couch. "Hey honey…I'm just calling to say I don't think today's a good day to come see Olivia."

_She was silent for a minute before answering. "Okay. Is something wrong?"_

He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "She's just having kind of a bad day…she just fell asleep though. Maybe tomorrow will be better…"

_Kathleen could sense he was tired and stressed out. "Are you okay?"_

Elliot thought about the question and had to laugh at it. "I don't know kid…I just wish that I could make her feel better."

_"I know." Kathleen whispered softly. "Things will get better Dad. You'll see…"_

Elliot smiled and sat up again. "I hope so."

_"Why don't you just hang out with Olivia for the rest of the night and you can call me tomorrow. We'll set up a time for me to come see her…no pressure." She said._

He groaned and stood up feeling the tension in his legs and back. "Thanks Kathleen. It was good to see you today…"

_"We should do it more often." She suggested._

"I would like that. I'll call you tomorrow. Love you." He said looking back to the bedroom door.

_"Love you too Dad. Hang in there…" She whispered._

Elliot hung up the phone and walked back to the bedroom. He took his pants and dress shirt off before slipping into bed behind Olivia. He wrapped an arm around her waist and she mumbled in her sleep as she leaned into him.

He rested his head in the crook of her neck and closed his eyes. He sighed and tried to relax as he thought about what he could do to help her relax a little. All he wanted to do was to make her happy and at peace again…

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you liked the chapter, I'm about halfway through the next chapter so it will be up soon. Keep an eye out for it and dont' forget to review this one! <strong>


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey guys, sorry its taken so long for me to update. I had some person family issues I had to deal with this past weekend so I didn't have a chance to upload the chapter. I'm working on the next one now though so it should be up soon :) **

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><p>Two weeks later, Elliot could tell that Olivia's patience with her chemo was starting to dwindle. She needed an escape and he had the perfect plan to help her get just that. The only problem was he didn't know if it was smart to take her to far away from home in case she needed medical attention.<p>

He was supposed to pick her up after he chemo treatments one Thursday afternoon but he went early in hopes to catch Dr. Cooper. He walked into the hospital and up to her office, he knocked on the door and waited for her to let him in.

She opened the door and smiled. "Elliot. Olivia's still in treatments…she should be out in about ten minutes."

Elliot nodded and smiled "I know. I actually wanted to talk to you for a bit if you have the time. I probably should have called, I know you have a busy schedule but it shouldn't take that long."

Amy moved aside and smiled, holding her arm out for him to enter her office. "Come on in and have a seat."

Elliot nodded in appreciation and went to sit in the seat across from her desk. She closed the door and walked around to her side and sat down in her own chair.

"So…what's going on? Noticing any changes in Olivia that I should know about?" She asked curiously as she leaned on the desk.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders and fidgeted in his seat trying to get comfortable, every time he had talked to he had been with Olivia so he felt a bit uncomfortable. "Well I mean she's obviously losing weight…and she's very tired."

Amy nodded and sighed sadly. "Yes. Those are normal side effects that many patients experience. How's her mood though? Does she seem depressed? When she's here she seems okay and trying to remain positive. But a lot of the time patients try and conceal their true emotions from their physicians…"

Elliot smiled sadly and looked down at his hands in his lap. "Olivia usually does that in general…even before she got sick."

Amy laughed. "Oh so you're familiar with this tactic?"

He laughed and reached his hand behind him to rub the back of his neck. "Very familiar…"

She smiled sympathetically. "So you can see right through it then?"

He nodded. "Yes. I can. She tries to hide it but I can see that she is getting depressed. The treatments are taking their toll on her…that's actually why I'm here."

She licked her lips and leaned further into her desk. "Are you worried about her? I mean do you think she is ready to give up?"

Elliot shook his head and sighed. "No. I don't think so…I can just tell she's very tired and sad. I want to take her away for a few days…to help her relax and try and forget everything for a while. But…I don't know if that's a good idea. Do you think it would be bad to take her away? I don't want to put her in danger."

Amy shrugged and leaned back in her chair. "No. I think it could be good for her. I wouldn't go away for to long but three or four days would be good for her. Where are you thinking of taking her?"

"I have a friend who has a house in New Hampshire on the lake. It's so nice up there with all the snow…I used to take my kids up there all the time. I thought we could slip up there for the long weekend. Just a mini vacation for her…" He said shrugging.

Amy smiled at him. "That sounds like a lovely idea. I think it would be okay to do that. She wouldn't be able to spend a long period of time outside because of the cold…but it would be relaxing for her."

Elliot nodded. "I was thinking of bringing my kids too. She loves spending time with them and they adore her."

"I think Olivia would love that." She said smiling at him.

"So you don't think anything bad would happen?" He asked nervously.

She sighed. "Elliot I can't predict what will happen to her you known that. If something did happen I'm sure there is a hospital near by that would be able to help her. And you can take my cell phone number and we can keep in touch in case of an emergency."

Elliot nodded and rubbed his knees feeling excited but hesitant about the situation. "Okay. Yeah that sounds good…"

Amy smiled and leaned back onto her desk. "Elliot I know this is hard…but so far it looks like the treatments are helping her. We did a cat scan this morning and I got a quick look at them…the tumor is shrinking."

He felt his heart leap in his chest; it was the best news he had heard in a long time. "They are?"

She could sense the excitement and hope he was feeling. "Yes. Of course there are no guarantees and things could change. But as of right now…everything seems to be going well."

He smiled and licked his lips. "So…how much longer do you think she'll need to continue with the treatments?"

She sighed. "I can't answer that. Its custom to continue treatments for a while after the tumor is gone just to be sure that it's fully gone and won't come back. The tumor is still there so there is a way to go still…"

He nodded slowly and felt the hope dwindling a little. "I understand."

She smiled at him, it was easy to see just how much he loved his girlfriend and she hoped they would be able to have the future they clearly wanted and deserved. "When Olivia first came to me and I told her she was ill…I was worried about her. It's easy to see that she's a strong woman who values helping others and never really focuses on herself. I was afraid she would be alone in this…"

He laughed sadly and looked down at his shoes. "She doesn't like to ask people for help. I wouldn't have found out about her cancer if I hadn't shown up at her apartment after she had surgery. I'm sure she would have kept it from me as long as she possibly could."

Amy smiled at him. "She's stubborn."

He laughed louder and rubbed a hand over his face feeling tired. "You don't know that half of it."

She laughed. "I can tell. But ever since you came back into her life and began supporting her I had more hope for her. She wouldn't be able to do this without you. I know this is stressful and extremely emotional for you to watch her go through this…but you should know you are helping a lot more than you may realize."

He sighed and thought about Olivia and how much he wanted her to get better. "I hope so…"

She smiled again and stood up before walking back to her door and opening it. "Well you are. She should be done with her treatments now and I have a meeting to get too. I'm glad you came in to check in with me…but I do think it will be good to take her away for the weekend."

Elliot smiled and stood up before walking back to the door. "Thank you for seeing me."

She nodded and reached into her pocket for her business card. "Of course." She handed it to him and smiled. "My cell number is on this so you call me if you need anything…either this weekend or ever."

He reached his hand out to her. "Thank you Amy."

She nodded and smiled. "That's what I'm here for. I'll see you soon. Enjoy your weekend and try and relax."

Elliot thanked her again and then walked out of the office and back to the elevator. He went up to the cancer wing and walked out to the waiting room to wait for Olivia to be done with her treatments. He sat down and picked up a magazine and began to flip through it when he realized someone was staring at him.

He looked up and saw Ashley; the mother of the young girl Olivia had spoken too a few weeks before. "Oh. Hello."

She smiled sadly at him. "Hi. You're Olivia's husband right?"

He smiled at her. "Boyfriend actually…but yes."

She smiled at him as her eyes began to well up with tears. "How is she doing? We saw her here last week but we didn't have a chance to talk to her."

Elliot shrugged and sighed. "She's hanging in there. Treatments are tough as I'm sure you know…how's your daughter Alana doing?"

He watched her swallow the lump in her throat and it made him nervous to hear her answer. "They said the tumors have spread…they are in her brain now."

Elliot thought about his own kids, he couldn't imagine watching them go through something like this. It was hard enough to see Olivia experience this, but his kids might actually kill him.

"I'm so sorry…" He leaned closer to her and reached for her hand to try and comfort her. "Is there anything we can do?"

She sniffled sadly. "When Olivia talked to her…the stone she gave her really gave her strength. She holds onto it whenever she gets scared…"

He sighed and rubbed the top of her hand. "Olivia cares a lot about people…especially children."

She smiled through her tears and squeezed his hand back. "Sometimes it's hard to get up in the morning…it feels like there is nothing left to live for."

Elliot nodded understanding how she felt. "I know…"

"If my baby dies…I don't know how I'll be able to go on. I should be able to protect her…that's what a parent does. But I can't protect her from this…" She said finally letting the tears fall.

He put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder. "I have five children of my own…but we can't protect them from everything."

"But you would do anything to help them wouldn't you?" She asked him softly.

Elliot nodded. "I'd give my life up for them…"

"In this situation I can't do that." She said sadly. "So what am I supposed to do?"

He sighed and squeezed her shoulder again. "All you can do is love her…be there for her and make her life as happy and comfortable as you can. She'll know you did your best…"

Ashley licked her lips and looked at him. "You and Olivia…you're very good people. What is it that you do?"

He smiled at her. "We work at the Manhattan Special Victims Unit…That's where we met. We were partners for twelve years…"

She smiled at him. "That's why you are so good at talking to people and why you are so connected to one another."

Elliot nodded slowly. "I guess so."

She sighed. "Well…thank you for listening to me…"

He smiled at her. "Anytime…"

Another doctor walked out of a nearby room and over to them. "Ashley? Alana is asking for you."

She wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to smile. "Okay. I'm coming." She stood up and started to walk towards the room before turning back to Elliot. "I hope everything works out for you too. I know you said she is just your girlfriend…but someday I think you two will be married."

He smiled back at her. "I sure hope so. Tell Alana I said hello."

She nodded and walked back to the room to see her little girl. Elliot smiled and sighed, thinking about what it would be like if he was in her shoes. He tried to shake the images of his children going through treatments form his head when eh heard footsteps coming towards him.

He looked to the left and saw Olivia walking towards him with a small smile on her face; he stood up to greet her. "Hey."

He leaned in to kiss her gently. "Hey. How are you?"

She pulled her sweater around her tighter and licked her chapped lips. "I'm okay. Kind of tired…"

He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. "Come on. We'll get you something to eat and then you can take a nap."

She wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned her weight against him needing the support. "Okay."

They walked to the elevator, their arms still wrapped around each other. He was going to tell her about the trip but right now he wanted her to rest. He was afraid she might say no if she wasn't feeling well and needed to sleep. It could wait for now…

* * *

><p>Back at the apartment, Olivia was fast asleep in bed while Elliot ran around the apartment making preparations for the weekend. He called his friend Ryan to check and see if he could use his house for the weakened. Elliot explained the situation about Olivia and how he was hoping to get her to be able to relax for the weekend. Ryan was more than happy to let Elliot use the house and promised to drop off the key the following morning at his apartment.<p>

After talking to her, Elliot called Cragen to tell him he needed some time off to help Olivia. Even though he had just started to work at the precinct against, Cragen was fully supportive of the idea of a weekend getaway and told him to take all the time he needed.

Next he called Kathy to see if it would be okay to take Dickie, Lizzie and Eli out of school on Friday and Monday. She agreed and promised to call Kathleen and Maureen to see if they could make it for the weekend as well. The plan was to have Maureen and Kathleen drive all the kids to the house before hand. This was going to be a surprise for Olivia, he didn't want her to know where they were going or that his kids would be there too.

He was cleaning up the kitchen when Olivia walked out of the bedroom and over to the couch. "Hey sleepy head…" He whispered to her.

She yawned and rubbed her eyes gently. "Hi. Sorry…how long was I asleep?"

He chuckled and looked at the clock. "About three hours."

She sighed and stretched her legs out in front of her and rested her head on the armchair. "And yet I could sleep for another twelve…"

He smiled and dried his hands on the towel that was folded on the counter, and then he walked towards her and lifted her legs up and sat down. He rested her legs onto of his and started to massage her feet slowly.

"I know." He said as he rubbed his thumbs into the heel of her foot. "But you know I was thinking maybe…maybe we could go away for the weekend."

She had begun to doze off again when he started to massage her feet, she felt the tension releasing from her body quickly. But when he suggested they go away she opened her eyes and stared at him for a moment, thinking about what he said.

"Go away for the weekend?" She asked rolling her head to the side.

He nodded slowly. "Yeah…I think we need it. It would be nice to get some distance from the city for awhile wouldn't it?"

She smiled at the thought and then sat up a little, her legs still resting on his. "Well yes it would. But…can we do that?"

He laughed at the question, even though he knew what she really meant. "Sure why not?"

She looked down at his hands that continued to rub her tired feet. "I don't know…what if something happened?"

He nodded slowly and took one hand to rub her leg gently. "Well I thought about that too but there are hospitals where we are going. And I talked to Dr. Cooper…"

Olivia's eyes widened in surprise. "Where are we going? Wait…you talked to Dr. Cooper? When?"

He nodded and rubbed her leg more. "Yeah. I stopped into her office today before I picked you up from treatments. I asked her if she thought it would be a bad idea but she said it would be fine. In fact she thought it would be a good idea too…"

She pulled her legs off of his lap and up against her chest to lean her head on them. "Okay…"

He was confused by her reaction to going away, he had expected her to be excited but she seemed to not want to go. "Okay? I thought it would be good idea…a nice vacation of sorts. But if you don't want to go…"

She licked her lips nervously and sighed. "No…it's not that I don't want to go…"

He squinted his eyes at her and turned his body towards her. "But it's something…what's wrong?"

She stared at him and reached her hand out to stroke his face. "I don't know. I guess I'm just nervous…"

"About what?" He asked putting his hand on her leg supportively.

She put her hand on top of his and then started to trace his fingers with her pointer finger. "I do want to get away from here…the city and especially the hospital. But being here I know that I can get to Dr. Cooper if I need her right away ya know? If we go somewhere else…I won't be so close."

He took her hand in his and squeezed it gently. "Oh…"

She sighed and rested her head on the back of the couch. "I hate that my life has become so revolved around that damn hospital…around medication and needles and Doctors…"

"See that's why I think leaving for a few days may do you some good. Well both of us really…" He said leaning forward to kiss her forehead.

She stared at him for a moment. "How did I get so lucky to have you in my life?"

He laughed and caressed her cheek slowly. "Because you are so damn beautiful…and smart, incredibly caring and passionate. You drew me in Liv…I didn't really have a chance to not fall in love with you."

She smiled at him, here she was trying to give him a compliment and he had turned it back to her. She fidgeted in her seat and then leaned into kiss him before resting her head against his shoulder and let him wrap an arm around her. He kissed the top of her head and let her think for a few minutes before talking again.

"We don't have to go if you don't want too…" He whispered.

She kissed his neck gently before shaking her head. "No. No I want to go. I really want to go."

He smiled against the scarf on her head and squeezed her shoulder. "Good."

"You never told me where we are going though…" She said before looking back up at him.

He smiled down at her and pecked her lips gently. "I'm not telling you."

She pouted knowing how much that drove him crazy; she hoped it would break him down. "Please…"

He tried to look away from the pout, it always got him but he had to stay strong. "No. No way…I'm not telling you. That won't work this time…"

She put a hand on his chest and leaned up to kiss him again. "What won't work?" She asked playing innocent.

He laughed and pulled away from her and started to talk towards the kitchen again. "That. That little game you play…that thing you do."

"I don't know what you are talking about." She said as she laughed and leaned her head against the back of the couch again. "You've lost me…"

He groaned. "I hate you."

She laughed to herself and then lay back on the couch and pulled the blanket over her. Elliot shook his head and tried not to laugh at her, it was unbelievable just how much he loved this woman. He just hoped the trip was as successful as he was hoping it would be…

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><p>The next morning they finished packing up their bags and Elliot piled them into the car. Olivia checked and doubled checked to make sure she had her medicine before Elliot walked into the bedroom to tell her it was time to go.<p>

"Ready Liv?" He asked as he placed a hand on her lower back.

She turned back to him, a nervous smile on her face but she nodded slowly. "Yeah."

He leaned forward to kiss her head. "Everything is going to be just fine."

She slipped her hands into his and nodded before picking up her pocketbook and walking out of the apartment. Elliot locked the door and they went downstairs to the car and started their drive to New Hampshire.

Olivia still had no idea where they were going or how long it would take to get there. She pushed the car back just a little so she could relax as she picked up the iPod to pick up songs for their journey. She watched Elliot tap his fingers on the steering wheel with one hand and sipped on his coffee using his other hand to hold the cup.

It was extremely early in the morning and the sun was still making its ascent into he sky. The golden rays were streaming through the window of the car and reflected off of his skin, almost glaring off of his still shaved head. She couldn't help but smile as she watched him thinking about just how lucky she was to have him in her life.

She listened to him sing along to the song that was playing; it was a Bon Dylan song. In this moment…she felt like a teenager again as if she was so far away from all of these problems in her life. Here they were taking a road trip; they were leaving all the pain behind and moving towards something better.

She felt so alive and it was all thanks to him.

"I love you…" She whispered as she reached her hand up to rub the back of his neck as he drove.

He smiled and stared at her from the corner of his eyes. "Well I love you too…"

She continued to rub the back of his neck with her fingers before continuing. "I had a dream last night…about us."

He took another sip of his coffee before placing it in the cup holder and putting his hand on her leg, keeping one hand on the steering wheel. "You did? Was it a good dream?"

She closed her eyes happily and rubbed his neck just gently with her fingers. "It was a very good dream. It was us…years from now. We were older…you had grey hair and I had…" She laughed to herself. "Well I had hair…" He smiled as she told him more about the dream. "We were at the house we bought together…on the back porch watching your grandkids…well I guess our grandkids play in the summer. And we were happy…really happy."

He squeezed her leg gently and rubbed her knee. "That sounds wonderful…"

She licked her lips and opened her eyes as she turned her head towards him. "Do you think we'll be able to have that?"

He turned towards her as he came to a red light and looked at her with his serious gaze. "Yeah Liv. I do. I really do…"

She swallowed the nervous lump in her throat and tried to smile as the tears burned in her eyes. "I hope so…"

"You wait and see…" He said turning back to the road and squeezing her leg again. "It will happen."

She sighed happily when he winked at her and she rolled her head to the other side now. She watched the world pass by her as he kept his hand on her leg, she put her hand over his and let the music lull her to sleep hoping they would be at their destination soon.

When he heard the soft steady breathing signaling that she was fast asleep again Elliot let his mind wander. He thought about what she had said about her dream, about them growing old together and just how much he wanted that for them. He had said he believed they would have that future, and part of him did. But deep down he wondered if it was possible with everything that was going on.

Each day that he woke up and saw that she was still alive, he thought about what it would be like to wake up and realize she had lost her battle. As much as he tried to stay positive about this, he knew that there was no guarantee and that he could lose her. But every time the thought entered his mind, he made sure to push it out as quickly as possible.

He looked back at her and saw how delicate and vulnerable she now looked. He was so used to seeing a strong, brave and dependent woman but she was changing each and everyday. He just hoped that one day the old Olivia would return, not because he didn't love her the way she was now but too but because he wanted her to be happy once more.

He rested his hand on her knee again and felt the warmth of her body against his palm. She fidgeted in her sleep just slightly and let her hand slip over his and it made him smile. He had to make sure that this weekend he could make those thoughts go away from his mind and hers. They had to focus on other things…

* * *

><p>Later on in the afternoon, they stopped to stretch and use the restroom. Elliot was sitting on the hood of the car waiting for Olivia and called Maureen on his cell phone.<p>

"Hey honey." He said to her as he enjoyed the scenery around them. "Are you guys all settled into the house?"

_"Yeah._ _I went shopping so the fridge is fully stocked for us. Dickie went and got plenty of fire wood for the weekend and Lizzie and Kathleen made all the beds." She said to her father._

"Great. That's perfect. We should be there within the hour. She still has no idea where we are going or that you guys are going to be there. So be on the lookout for my car." He said.

_"Okay. We will be. How is she? Is she still nervous about being away for the weekend?" Maureen asked curiously._

"No she seems better now. If she is nervous…she's hiding it well. I think once we get there and she sees you guys she will feel better about everything." He said hopefully as he watched her coming closer to him. "But she's coming back from the bathroom now. So I have to go…see you soon."

_"Alright. Bye Dad! See you later!" She said before hanging up._

Elliot smiled at her as she put a hand on his chest. "Who were you talking to?"

"Maureen was just calling to check in and see what I was doing this weekend." He said shrugging his shoulders as he went to open her door for her.

"Were you supposed to spend the weekend with them? We could have done this another time…" She said slipping into the car.

He leaned down and kissed her gently. "No. This is the perfect weekend for it. Don't worry so much! We'll be there soon." He shut the door and winked at her.

Olivia smiled and watched him walk around the car and continued to wonder just where they were going. It was clear they were going further north but she wasn't sure what the final destination was. She was eager to find out…

Elliot pulled down the long driveway to Ryan's house and turned to Olivia. She had woken up a few minutes before and was sitting up straight to make sure she didn't miss anything.

"Are we here?" She asked as he pulled into the driveway of a beautiful cabin.

He smiled at her and noticed Eli in the window before running to tell his brother and sister they were there. "Yes. We are here."

Elliot put the car in park and Olivia got out of the car and looked around. "Wow. This place is great. Whose house is this?"

"It's my friend Ryan's house; we went to High School together. It's his vacation house and has let me use it to bring the kids here from time to time. I called him and asked if we could use it for a couple of days…" He said walking around the car and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

She put her arm around his waist and rested his head in the crook of his neck. "It's amazing. I'm glad we're here…"

He kissed the top of her head and rubbed her back gently. "Good. There's one more surprise though."

She looked at him curiously. "Another surprise? What is it?"

Elliot just smiled and turned to the house just as the five kids came out of the front door. "That's the other surprise…"

Olivia turned to catch his gaze, and her smile grew even bigger when she saw his kids running towards her. "Oh my God!"

Eli wrapped his arms around Olivia's legs and held her tightly. "You're finally here!"

Olivia had tears in her eyes as she leaned down to pick him up so she could hold him close. "I can't believe you are all here!"

Dickie reached out and put his hand on Olivia's shoulder. "We wanted to spend a little time with you and Dad away from home. It's been awhile since we all hung out."

Olivia smiled and looked at all of their faces. "This is amazing…it's exactly what I needed. Thank you." She said turning to look at Elliot happily.

"Come on. Let's go inside…you must be hungry. I made lunch for us all." Maureen said as Kathleen went to help unload the car.

Eli jumped down from Olivia's arms and she turned back to Elliot. "You are the most amazing boyfriend ever."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her softly. "So you like the surprise then?"

She sighed happily and leaned into him. "So happy. Thank you."

He kissed the side of her head and pushed her towards the door. "You go in and I'll get the rest of the bags with Kathleen."

She smiled and kissed him again. "I love you El."

He started to back away and winked. "I love you too."

Kathleen pulled one of the bags out of the trunk and smiled at her Dad. "This is going to be a great weekend Dad."

He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Yes. It is."

She smiled and walked towards the house leaving Elliot alone at the car. He took the last bag out of the trunk and started to walk towards the door. He was happy that so far Olivia seemed to like the surprise, he just hoped the rest of the weekend went well. This was what she needed, what they all needed… 

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><p><strong>Don't forget to Review :) I'll try and update soon. <strong> 


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey guys :) Schools pretty busy semester so far but I'm trying to update as quick as I can. So here is the next chapter :) **

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><p>After lunch, Elliot was doing the dishes with Dickie and Eli while Olivia sat on the back porch with Maureen, Kathleen and Lizzie. It was winter, but it was a sunny extremely warm day and they wanted to take full advantage of it. The backyard looked over a large lake, and watching the sun reflect off of the water made Olivia feel calm and at peace.<p>

"So Maureen…your Dad tells me that you have a pretty serious boyfriend these days." Olivia said teasingly.

Maureen cringed, feeling embarrassed. "Oh God…"

Kathleen laughed and turned to Olivia. "His name is Kyle and he's premed."

Olivia raised her eyebrows feeling impressed by the statement. "Premed? I guess you have good taste in men."

Maureen's cheeks turned red quickly. "He's a great guy…"

"Do you love him?" Lizzie asked leaning towards her oldest sister.

Maureen cringed again. "Love? I mean…I don't know. We have only been together for five months…I don't think we are there yet."

"But do you think you could fall in love with him?" Kathleen asked eagerly.

Maureen's face softened, and a small smile began to grow on her lips. "Yeah. I think I could…"

"Oh young love…" Olivia said laughing to herself. "Hold on to it as long as you can. But don't rush anything…"

"You sound like Dad." Maureen said laughing. "You guys spend way to much time together."

Olivia smirked. "He says it because he'd rather have you not date anyone at all. I say it because I want you to take full advantage of the opportunities you have in your life. I'm sure Kyle is a good guy…I just want you to always put yourself first."

Maureen smiled at her. "Do you think you've done all the things you want to do with your life?"

Olivia sighed sadly and shrugged. "I don't know…there are always new opportunities you know? Always new experiences to have…"

"So that's a no?" Lizzie asked.

Olivia smiled at Elliot's youngest daughter. "Maybe. Maybe not…"

"Is one of the things you want to do in your life get married?" Maureen asked curiously.

All eyes immediately turned to Olivia and she couldn't help but smile. "Sure. I'd like to get married someday…"

"So why not now?" Lizzie asked wondering if she would marry her father soon.

Olivia pulled her legs up against her chest and smiled. "Because I don't want to get married out of fear…"

The girls thought about what she had said for a moment before Maureen spoke up softly. "Fear that you won't get the chance?"

Olivia let out a shaky breath and nodded slowly. "Yes."

Kathleen was about to say something when Elliot, Dickie and Eli came out to the backyard to join them. "How's everything going out here?" Elliot asked.

Eli jumped up onto the chair beside Olivia and rested his head against her shoulder. "Oh not much…just girl talk." Olivia said wrapping her arm around the young boy.

Dickie rolled his eyes and plopped down next to Lizzie practically squishing her. "Girl talk…boring."

Lizzie nudged him and rolled her eyes. "Move over loser."

"Make me, freak." Dickie said nudging her back.

Elliot sighed and sat down next to Maureen. "Hey you two…cool it. No fighting this weekend."

"Yeah like that's going to happen…" Lizzie said rolling her eyes and glaring at her brother. "He's a pain in my a-"

"Language around Eli…" Elliot said pointing at her.

Lizzie sighed and smiled at her father. "Fine. He's a pain in my butt."

He chuckled and shook his head. "You're all impossible…"

"And yet you love us." Dickie said with that eat shitting grin of his that so matched his father.

"Yeah I love some of you…" He said laughing.

"Do you love me?" Eli asked sitting up as he swung his legs over the bench he was sitting on.

"You are my favorite." Elliot said smiling at his youngest son.

"Hey! Whoa!" Kathleen said putting her hand up. "As a parent aren't you not supposed to pick favorites?"

Elliot shrugged. "There really is no rule book when it comes to your kids. You do what you want to and what you think is right." He teased.

Kathleen rolled her eyes and glared at her father. "And you wonder why we fight with you."

Elliot laughed and stood up before walking over to Olivia. "Yeah yeah…you'll get over it." He put his hand out to Olivia. "Come on. You need to take your meds."

Olivia sighed and let him pull her up in front of him. "Oh what a glamorous life I lead…"

The kids smiled at her and Elliot smiled and led her towards the house. They went up to the master bedroom and Olivia sat down on the bed and crossed her legs. Elliot lifted her bag and put it on the dresser and started to rummage through it before reaching for a water bottle.

"So you're happy that we came here?" Elliot asked as he turned back to her with the water and a pill bottle.

Olivia put her hand out as he dropped a few pills into her hand; she popped them into her mouth and took a swig of the water before answering. "Yes. I am."

He sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled. "Good. I was hoping you'd like it…"

She took another pill from him and swallowed it before nervously starting the next conversation. "Can I ask you something?"

He turned further towards her and nodded. "Sure. What's on your mind?"

She sighed and put the cap on the water before placing it on the bed beside her. "We've talked about it…marriage I mean." She paused and closed her eyes. "But when do you see yourself getting married again?"

Elliot was slightly surprised by her question, "I don't really know. I mean I'd marry you right now if you said you wanted too."

She swallowed hard and looked up at him. "But would it be because you wanted to get married or because you felt sorry for me?"

Elliot felt his heart drop down to his stomach and his eyes bulged in his head. "What do you mean because I feel sorry for you?"

She smiled sadly and shrugged. "Because I'm dying?"

He cringed and stood up and backed away from her. "Why would you say that?"

She sighed and knew he wouldn't be happy about what she was saying. "Which part? The you feel sorry for me or because I'm dy-"

"That!" He said pointing at her angrily. "That. Don't. Don't say that…you aren't. You won't."

She sighed and lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. "Never mind. I never should have said anything…"

"How could you think I feel sorry for you?" He asked leaning against the dresser and feeling his eyes starting to burn with tears he wouldn't let fall.

She sighed and lifted her arms up over her head and started to play with the scarf on her head. "Because…everyone does. They all look at me the same way…like they are waiting for me to drop and never open my eyes again."

"Stop it." He said angrily. "Stop saying shit like that."

She sat up and stared at him for a moment. "Alright. I'm sorry. Forget I even mentioned it okay?"

"How am I supposed to just forget everything you just said?" Elliot asked walking back to the end of the bed and looked down at her.

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and crossed her legs again. "Everyone keeps asking me what's going on with you and me. We're together I say…we're a couple now. But they ask if we're going to get married…make it official."

He nodded slowly and sat down beside her again and took her hand as he whispered. "And would that be just a bad thing?"

She smiled at him and shook her head. "Of course not. But I don't want to marry you like this…"

"Olivia how many times do I have to tell you that you're still beautiful?" He asked leaning closer to her.

She shook her head again. "I'm not talking about that…"

"Then what are you talking about?" He asked trying to search her eyes to understand what she was thinking and feeling.

"I don't want to marry you because I feel like I'm running out of time…I want to marry you because we're happy and in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together." She said softly, hoping he would understand what she meant.

"We are happy and in love…and we do want to spend the rest of our lives together don't we?" He asked curiously.

She shrugged softly. "Yes…but its still different El."

He sighed and looked down at the hand on his lap. "I don't understand…"

She laughed sadly and put her hand on top of his. "I don't understand either…"

Elliot licked his lips and then looked her in the eye again. "So what does this mean for us? Are you breaking up with me?"

She shook her head quickly and leaned forward to kiss him. "No. No I'm not breaking up with you Elliot. I just…I'm saying I don't want to marry you. At least not now…"

Even though he hadn't asked her to marry him it wasn't like the thought hadn't crossed his mind. Part of him felt angry with her for even bringing it up when he hadn't proposed to her. But at the same time…he felt sad thinking that there was a chance that they may never be able to get married. But he couldn't think like that…

"Okay…" He whispered sadly.

She watched him for a moment, trying to read his reaction. "Okay?"

He looked up at her and slowly reached up to caress her face. "I love you Olivia. I know I say that a lot but I don't think you realize just how much I love you. What I would do for you…"

Her tears started to well up with tears and she felt the lump growing in her throat. "I ruined the weekend didn't I?"

He shook he head and leaned forward to kiss her gently. "No. You didn't."

She rested her forehead against his and closed her eyes and breathed him in. "I love you Elliot. Don't forget that okay? Despite what I said…I love you."

He pulled back and leaned up to kiss her forehead. "I know Liv. I know…"

She watched him stand up and reach out to pull her to her feet. She let him pick her up and then he turned to start to walk away, but she grabbed his hand tightly. Elliot turned quickly and looked at her expectantly. She felt her heart beating quick in her chest and she leaned up to put her arms around him and pulled him close.

He hesitated for a moment but then wrapped his arms around her waist and held her tightly. He kissed the side of her head and breathed her in, he rubbed her back gently before pulling back.

He stared deep into her eyes trying to let her know that he was okay, that they were okay. Her face softened a bit and she seemed to understand what he was saying. Her shoulders relaxed a little and he nodded slowly before turning to walk away.

Olivia took a deep breath and watched him leave the room before gathering herself and going to join him and the kids again.

* * *

><p>That night, Maureen and Kathleen made dinner and they all ate together in the living room. They sat around the table eating and drinking wine gossiping and enjoying being together. The twins did the dishes and they all met in the living room to relax for a few hours.<p>

Dickie, Elliot and Eli were playing go fish and Maureen was painting Lizzie's nails. Kathleen and Olivia were sitting together in the corner on the loveseat talking quietly together.

Olivia felt that something was bothering Kathleen, like she was holding something in. "So what's going on with you these days?

Kathleen shrugged. "Not much."

Normally, Kathleen was very open with her and like to talk about her friends and love life. But right now she seemed distant and nervous to talk to Olivia.

"Are you seeing anyone?" She asked trying to smile.

Kathleen looked at her and then looked away as she shook her head slowly. "Nope. No one special at the moment…"

Olivia looked over at the boys who were laughing and Maureen and Lizzie who were gossiping together. "Is everything okay?"

It was really the first time they were alone, and she was beginning to feel nervous around her again. "I'm fine…I'm just afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing."

Olivia stared at her for a moment and then shifted in her seat. "What you mean say the wrong thing?"

Kathleen sighed and turned so she was completely facing her. "I've never been around someone whose been…sick like you are."

Olivia nodded slowly and cleared the lump in her throat. "Oh…"

Kathleen cringed. "Crap. See…see I said the wrong thing. I offended you!"

Olivia leaned over and put a hand on her leg and tried to smile. "No. No you didn't offend me. I get it…I really do. I remember the first time I was around someone who had cancer I was uncomfortable too. I didn't know what the hell to say…"

"What did you do? How did you handle it?" Kathleen asked curiously.

Olivia smiled. "She was my track coach…she'd been like a Mom to me growing up. And when we found out she had brain cancer I didn't know how to handle it. I felt extremely uncomfortable like I'm sure you do. But…I just tried to act normal."

"Did it work?" Kathleen asked.

"Of course not." Olivia said laughing. "I was a nervous wreck and I started bawling my eyes out in front of her."

Kathleen smiled. "You did?"

Olivia nodded and leaned her head against the back of the couch. "Yup. And she laughed at me…she said it was cute. I told her I didn't know what to say to her because I was so scared something bad was going to happen to her. I was afraid to lose her…"

Kathleen nodded slowly. "That's what I'm afraid of. You've been such a good friend to me Olivia…you've been supportive of everything I've done. Even the mistakes I've made and I feel like I can really talk to you. About anything!"

Olivia smiled and reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. "You can talk to me about anything Kathleen. I'll always be here for you…"

The fear started creeping up inside of her again. "But what if you're not?"

Olivia thought about what she had said, about how scared she also felt about dying. "Well…I guess I won't always be here physically."

"But you'll be here with me spiritually?" Kathleen asked with a small smile.

Olivia shrugged. "I don't really know that much about religion and what happens after we die. But…I've lost people in my life before you know? And it hurts like hell…but I use my memories to hold onto those people."

Kathleen looked down at her hands for a moment. "Are you scared of dying?"

Olivia let the words sink in for a moment before she answered. "Terrified. But we all have to do it eventually right?"

Kathleen smiled sadly. "I guess so…"

Olivia sighed and reached for her hand again. "Look Kathleen I know this is weird…but I'm still the same person. Or I'm trying to be…"

Kathleen nodded slowly. "I know you're the same. I guess I just want you to be okay."

Olivia smiled at her. "Me too…"

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable…" Kathleen whispered sadly.

Olivia shook her head. "You didn't make me uncomfortable Kathleen. It's okay. I'm glad you talked to me about this…I want you to feel comfortable around me. No matter what…"

Kathleen smiled at her. "You know...I've always admired you. You are like my role model."

Olivia's face flushed, she felt embarrassed and a bit shocked by Kathleen's statement. "What do you mean?"

Kathleen laughed and shrugged. "Well you're this strong, independent, brave and intelligent woman ya know? Before I met you I really only knew male Detectives. And when I met you…I thought I wanted to be a cop. I wanted to be cool like you."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "Oh I'm far from cool Kathleen…"

She shook her head in disagreement. "Oh please. You're so cool! You're a badass Olivia. You're the epitome of what girls really want to be."

Olivia stared at her for a moment. "Well I'm flattered you think that Kathleen but I have my faults…I just try and hide them as best I can."

"Faults or no faults…I still look up to you." Kathleen said. "Especially right now…you're so brave Olivia. I'm not sure I could handle it the same way you are."

Olivia sighed. "Trust me…I'm not as strong as I look."

"You mean because you're scared?" Kathleen asked and Olivia just nodded. "I think it would be weird if you weren't scared…"

Olivia nodded slowly. "I guess you're right."

"Even if you don't think so…you're still a badass." Kathleen said smirking.

Olivia laughed and squeezed her hand again. "Well thanks Kathleen…I appreciate it."

"Look! It's snowing!" Eli said jumping away from the couch and running to the window. "It's snowing!"

Everyone turned their attention to the window and Olivia walked over to Eli. "You're right it is. It's pretty isn't it?"

Eli looked up at her and smiled. "Uh huh." He turned to his Dad and asked nervously. "Daddy can we go outside?"

It was dark and cold, and he probably should have said no but Elliot couldn't say no to Eli. "As long as we all put our coats on."

Eli jumped up and down and ran to the closet with his siblings following him. They started to bundle up as Olivia stood up and walked over to the window. She wanted to go outside but she felt extremely cold and unprepared to deal with the weather.

When they all ran outside, Elliot walked slowly up behind Olivia and put a hand on her lower back. "I always liked snow…" He whispered.

Olivia didn't turn to look at him, she just watched the small white flakes fall from the sky and the kids run around trying to catch them on their tongues. "Me too…"

"It always made me feel like anything was possible. That probably doesn't make sense but it did. I guess it just reminded me that the world was so much bigger than we realize it is ya know?" He said leaning closer to her.

She felt tears welling up in her eyes again. "Yeah…I know."

"And sometimes it felt like the snow turned all the noise off. It made everything else stop just for a little while as it piled up on the ground." Elliot said softly leaning against her side. "It made all my problems go away just for a little while…"

"Like the snow buried it all away." She whispered sadly.

He nodded and kissed the top of her head. "Exactly…"

She sighed and wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned her head in the crook of his neck. "I'm sorry…"

He shook his head and rubbed her back gently and turned her so that she was facing him. "You don't have to apologize. I get it…at least I think I do."

She bit her lip nervously and stared up at him. "You have no idea how badly I want to marry you Elliot. No idea…"

He sighed gently and nodded. "I want to marry you too. In fact I've even been looking at rings a little. I mean I wasn't planning on asking you anytime soon really…I just wanted to be prepared for the right moment."

She looked deep into his eyes for a moment. "Really?"

He nodded slowly. "I figure we'll have a small wedding. Just our closest friends and family. I don't want anything big ya know? Nothing to fancy…just us committing to each other completely."

Olivia smiled and ran a hand up his arm and up to the nape of his neck. "I like the sound of that…"

He nodded and smiled. "And when you walk towards me…I won't be able to see anyone or anything else in the world. It will be like everything else around me has stopped and all that matters is you…"

She felt tears well up in her eyes again. "Elliot…"

He kissed her softly gently. "I don't know what's going to happen Liv. I don't know if you are going to get better. I'd marry you right here if you wanted to…but if you are asking me to wait I will."

"It's not that I want to wait…" She said letting a few tears fall from her eyes. "I just…I want it to be a happy memory you know? I don't want it to be connected to this part of my life. This part of me being sick…I hate it. When we get married I want it to be the best day of my life…the day when I can look forward to my future. I can't do that right now when I don't know if I even have a future."

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "I get it…I really do Liv. It just breaks my heart to think there is a possibility that I never will be able to marry you."

It was the first time Elliot had really admitted that she may not make it through this. And even though it killed her to hear him say it, especially because he was the only one that was constantly optimistic about this…she was also glad he was being honest with her. They had to look at the big picture and all the possibilities that lay before them.

It would be easy for her to just give in and marry him right away because she was afraid. But that's not what she really wanted.

If there was anything she had learned by being sick it was that she had to start following her heart. Even if it meant not being able to get something she really wanted she didn't want her cancer to rule her life. She had to believe that eventually…her life would go back to normal and she would be able to marry Elliot.

She wanted their wedding and the start of their marriage to be based on more than fear and illness. She wanted it to be about love and hope. She wanted it to symbolize who they were as a couple, not symbolize that life was to short and we all die.

The only thing she was certain of right now was that she could not marry him while she was sick…

She sniffled softly. "It breaks my heart too El…"

He sighed and leaned forward to kiss her again. "I guess we just have to enjoy the time we have right now. I can't pretend that I don't think about what will happen if you don't survive…I think about it everyday."

She caressed his cheek softly. "I don't want to die Elliot. But if I do…you'll be okay. You have your kids and your friends…they love you so much."

He nodded sadly. "I know that. But I won't have you…not really anyway. The last thirteen years I've gotten so used to seeing you all the time. When I'm not with you it's hard to function sometimes…"

She smiled as she felt her heart start to break into little pieces. "I know what you mean."

"I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle it if you do die…" He whispered. "In fact I know I won't be able to handle it. I don't want to let my kids down again…I swore I wouldn't. But I don't know how I could possibly live without you if I had too."

Olivia licked her lips and tried to remain as strong as she could. "For as long as I've known you Elliot Stabler…you've always put other people before yourself. It's something I admired you for…but sometimes it made me sad because I knew that you were losing yourself at times."

He stared deep into her eyes; she was just as mesmerizing as the snow. It was like nothing else mattered in the world except for her. All he needed to focus on was her words, her face and her love for him right at this moment.

"When you left the precinct this past year…I was really angry at you. I felt like you abandoned me but then I realized you were finally doing something for yourself. You've grown so much since I met you thirteen years ago…and because of that I love you more and more each day." She whispered. "And if I die…I'll never really be gone. Not from you anyway…"

"But it won't be the same…" He whispered. "I won't be able to hold you…"

She shook her head. "No. I guess you won't…but you can talk to me. And I'll always listen…I'll help you in anyway I can. But you can't leave your kids Elliot…that's the one thing you can't do. Because they are so much apart of who you are as a person. They are what motivates you to live…can't you see that?"

He nodded slowly. "I do. But so are you Liv…you motivate me everyday. So if you are gone…how do I move on?"

"Well if I do die El…you're gonna have to live for the both of us. So you sure as hell can't give up. It wouldn't be fair to me…" She said smiling at him.

Elliot's heart ached for her and he knew she was right. Of course they were jumping the gun here…the treatments could work and they could have a long happy life ahead of them. But there were no guarantees and they had to both own their feelings from now on.

He had been trying so hard to be strong for her that he wasn't expressing fully how he felt about all of this. And that was how he had gotten into trouble the last time. He had to be honest with himself…and he had to be honest with Olivia.

"You're right…" He whispered softly. "It wouldn't be fair to you…"

Olivia stood on her tiptoes and kissed his forehead gently. "I love you Elliot Stabler. I don't know what's going to happen…all I know is that I love you. And that I'm so incredibly grateful to have you in my life. And if I make it through this…I will marry you."

Elliot smiled and leaned forward to kiss her lips. "Okay…"

It was just one word, and yet it meant so much to Olivia. It meant that he finally understood where she was coming from and that she wasn't trying to push him away. It meant he was just as scared as she was and that it was okay to be scared.

It meant that all they could do was to appreciate each day they had together and to remember how much they loved each other. Those were the only things they could control…and for now that was enough.

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><p><strong>So I know this chapter was a little sad...but the next one is going to be happy! Don't worry! I'll update soon! <strong> 


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello all :) I finally finished the next chapter and I think you'll find that it is much happier than recent chapters. Hope you like it! **

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><p>The next morning, everyone slept in because they were up late playing in the snow. Olivia was the first one to wake up; she rolled over in bed and stared at Elliot for a moment admiring just how handsome he really was. He looked so relaxed as he slept, like he had no problems in the world.<p>

She leaned over him and kissed his jaw gently, he didn't wake only moved his head to the other side. She smiled to herself and got out of bed and slipped her feet in her slippers trying to avoid the cold floor. Walking out of the bedroom, she checked on all the kids and found them all to still be asleep.

She walked downstairs to the kitchen and started to brew some coffee. Then she opened the fridge and decided she might as well make breakfast for everyone since she was up. She had just started cracking an egg into a bowl to make pancakes when Eli walked downstairs and over to her.

He rubbed his eyes with his tiny little fists and yawned. "Morning Livvie."

Olivia smiled at him as he climbed up on one of the stools at the counter. "Morning little buddy. How did you sleep?"

Eli put his arms on the counter and rested his chin on them. "Good. I dreamed about snow…"

Olivia smiled and started to stir the mixture. "Well then I bet it was a very good dream."

Eli's smile widened. "We were having a snowball fight like we did last night except in my dream I bet Dickie for once."

She laughed and started to pour the pancakes onto the griddle. "Give it a few years and I'm sure you'll finally beat him."

Dickie sat up straighter and stared at Olivia for a moment before boldly asking. "If you and my Daddy get married…will you have a baby?"

Olivia looked up at him in surprise, he was young and it often shocked her when he asked questions that seemed so much more mature than he was. "Um…oh well Eli I don't know about that."

He cocked his head to the side in confusion. "How come? Don't you want kids?"

Olivia licked her lips and went to grab a spatula for when she had to flip the pancakes over. "Yes. I'd love to have kids…"

"Then why don't you just have a baby?" Eli asked.

She smiled at him sadly; she wanted kids more than anything but it wasn't necessarily possible. But how did you explain that to a five year old?

"Well kiddo…I'm not as young as your Mom was when she had you and your siblings. When you get older it's harder to get pregnant…and because I am sick that could affect it as well." She said hoping that made any sense at all.

"Oh." Eli leaned against the counter again and thought about what she said. "Well…maybe you don't have to have the baby."

Olivia smiled at him. "What do you mean?"

"My friend Mikey says he was adopted…he said that means another woman had him and then he went to live with another family. I don't really know what that means…but he looks different than his parents. But Daddy says they are still a family." Eli said.

She smiled, "Yes they are still a family. Adoption is a great thing Eli…it gives some kids a home they may not have had before. And sometimes when people have babies they aren't prepared to take care of them the way they need to be taken care of. If they give their baby up for adoption they are giving them the chance at a really great future."

Eli seemed to think this was a cool thing. "But Mommy didn't give me up for adoption?"

Olivia shook her head. "No. Your Mommy and Daddy wanted you more than anything else in the world Eli."

Eli smiled at her. "I think you and Daddy should adopt a baby. I want to be a big brother too!"

She laughed and flipped over the pancakes. "That's definitely something to consider buddy…I'll talk to your Dad okay?"

Eli nodded excitedly and hopped down from the counter. "Good! Can I watch cartoons now?"

Olivia nodded. "Go ahead."

When Eli walked to the living room, she started to think about everything Eli had said. She had been so caught up in the fat that she would never be able to have her own baby she forgot that there were other options.

Of course it would be nice to make her own baby, a baby that came from her and Elliot. But…adopting a baby would still make her a mother and that's all she really wanted.

Elliot walked down the stairs and kissed Elliot on the top of the head before walking over to Olivia. "Hey. When did you get up?"

She leaned forward and kissed his cheek gently as he rubbed her back. "Twenty minutes ago? Did I wake you up?"

He shook his head and went to pour himself some coffee. "No. How did you sleep?"

"Great." She said grabbing a plate and putting some pancakes on it. "You?"

He walked over to her and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. "Great."

She laughed and pushed him away as she handed him the plate. "Eat your breakfast."

Elliot laughed and took the plate from her and sat down at the counter as the rest of his woke up to the smell of their breakfast waiting for them. They all ate together, and the entire time Olivia couldn't help but think what it would be like if there was another kid around the table.

The smile wasn't missed by Elliot…he was wondering just what she was thinking about.

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><p>A couple of hours later, they all bundled up in their coats and the rest of their snow gear. Elliot and Dickie found some sleds in the shed out back. They all met in the front yard and started to make their way up the road. There was a big hill a few houses down that they were going to take the sleds too.<p>

Dickie threw Eli over his shoulder making him giggle excitedly as he carried him to the top of the hill. Together they took the first plunge down the hill, screaming and hollering as they went before landing in a pile at the bottom of the hill.

Kathleen and Maureen went next, their sled hit a bump and they went in the air screaming at the top of their lungs. They landed with a thump but no one was hurt and they couldn't stop laughing.

Lizzie and Dickie decided to have a race. Dickie loaded his lap up with snowballs and started hurling them at his twin sister as they made their way down the hill. That didn't slow her down though; she beat him much to his dismay.

Olivia was having so much watching the kids take their turns; she almost forgot Elliot was there too. She felt his hand on her back and she turned to look at him with a small smile on her face.

"You want to take a turn?" He asked her as he listened to the kids laughing around them.

She looked at him for a moment, slightly surprised for the statement. "Uh…yeah I don't think so. I think I'll just watch."

He looked at her face, he felt like she was worried that she was too weak to go sledding. If they crashed, she could get hurt, that was true but he wouldn't let her get hurt.

"Come on Liv…it will be fun." He said looking up at the top of the hill again.

She watched the kids for a moment before admitting. "I've never been sledding before."

He turned his head towards her again, shocked by what she had said. "You're kidding…"

She smiled sadly at him. "Nope. I've never done it before."

He turned his body all the way towards her and put his hands in his pockets. "How is that even possible?"

She smiled and shrugged. "I don't know…I just never went as a kid."

He shook his head and started to back away and pull her towards the hill. "Well that settles it. You have to go sledding then…no way around it."

She grimaced as he started to pull her up the hill. "Oh come on El…"

He shook his head and continued to walk backwards and pull her up the hill. "Nope. You're not getting out of this Olivia. Every person has to go sledding at least once in their life. Now's the perfect opportunity!"

"Elliot please…come on I really don't want to do this!" She said laughing as he pulled her along, the truth was she was scared to do it.

When they got to the top of the hill, he pulled her up against him and smiled. "When all this started…you said there were certain things you wanted to do before you die. I'm not saying you're going to die from this…I'm just saying you have to take all the opportunities you have now don't you?"

She stared into his eyes and knew he was trying to pull her out of her comfort zone for a reason. She had spent the last few months telling him that she had a lot of things she still wanted to do. This hadn't necessarily been on the list; it wasn't something she would have thought of. But here they were…and she had to live in the moment and just take the plunge.

She took a deep breath and smiled, leaning forward she kissed him. "Okay. I'll do it."

Elliot smiled and turned to Dickie and Eli who were standing beside them. "Alright boys. This is Liv's first time sledding…we gotta give her the run down of the rules."

Dickie and Eli nodded and put the sled down for them to sit on. "What do you mean rules? How can there be rules to sledding?"

Dickie put his hand on her shoulder and smiled. "Oh there are rules Olivia…and they are very serious rules that need to be followed."

Elliot sat down towards the back of the sled and opened his legs for her to sit in between. "Come sit down Liv…they can give you the list as we get ready."

She slowly walked over to him and sat down, feeling her heart beat start to pick up. "Okay…"

"Alright Eli…you give her the guidelines and I'll prepare for the push off." Dickie said rubbing his hands together.

Elliot wrapped his hands around her waist and smiled. "Pay attention to Eli."

Eli kneeled down in the snow beside Olivia and smiled. "Okay Olivia…the first rule you need to know is to stay as still as you can. If you start moving around to much you will cause yourself or Dad to fall of the sled which isn't a good thing."

Olivia looked at Elliot from the corner of her eye. "Why do I get the feeling that this is ore dangerous than perusing a perp?"

Elliot just chuckled as Eli tapped Olivia's leg and looked intensely at her. "I'm not done yet! You have to pay attention!"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Oh. Right…okay. Sorry Eli…keep going."

Eli nodded and then looked down the hill and pointed towards his sister. "Now the second rule is to keep your destination in mind. Stare at the place you want to end up and it will help you keep from veering off course."

"In this situation…we will say your destination is the girls at the bottom of the hill." Dickie said interrupting. "That way they can stop you in case you are going to fast at the bottom of the hill."

"Feeling more confident each second…" Olivia said shaking her head.

"The third rule…" Eli said ignoring her comment. "is to hold onto either the sled, or in your case Dad to help keep you balanced and safe."

Olivia grabbed Elliot's legs nervously. "Right. Holding on…"

"And the fourth rule…" Eli said starting to back away.

"There are more rules?" Olivia asked feeling like she just wanted to forget the whole thing and get off the sled.

"Yes. And it's the most important rule there is…" Dickie said leaning down and putting his hands on his Dad's back getting ready to push them.

"Okay so what is it?" Olivia asked looking over her shoulder.

"Don't forget to have fun!" Eli said just as Dickie pushed his Dad and Olivia over the edge of the hill.

"Oh my God!" Olivia screamed as they started to plummet down the hill at full speed.

Elliot was behind her laughing as Olivia screamed at the top of her lungs. She was squeezing his legs as tightly as she possibly could. They were flying at full speed as they started to come to the bottom of the hill and she was getting more nervous.

"Elliot I'm going to kill you!" She screamed laughing to herself as they flew past the girls who were unable to stop them.

He grabbed onto her waist and leaned to the side making the sled turn around and spin out until they stopped. They fell over onto their side in a fit of laughter as the kids came running over to catch up with them.

Elliot laughed and rolled over on top of her. "Are you okay?"

She was laughing up at him. "I'm perfect."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her gently. "Told you, you'd be fine!"

"Yeah…you did." She said staring up at him, he caught the double meaning and just smiled to lean down and kiss her again as the kids finally caught up to them.

"You guys okay?" Kathleen asked leaning down beside them.

Elliot stood up and put his hands out for Olivia to pull her up. "We're okay."

Olivia laughed and brushed some snow off of her coat and snow pants. "That was great!"

"You followed the rules correctly…it was the girls that failed in their job." Dickie said putting his hands on his hips and shaking his head at his sisters.

Maureen glared at him and sighed. "Well if you hadn't pushed them as hard as you did, they wouldn't have been going so fast!"

"Hey! It was her first time, I had to make sure she had the best possible experience!" Dickie said pointing a finger at her.

"If you wanted us to catch them you shouldn't have pushed them so fast!" Lizzie said glaring at her brother.

"Guys…guys we're fine!" Elliot said laughing as Olivia put her arm around his waist.

The kids stopped and turned to Olivia and Elliot before Eli shrugged. "Oh. Okay. I guess we figured since you were old you might break easily…"

They were all silent for a moment before everyone started to laugh and Elliot leaned down to make a snowball and started throwing at all of them. Quickly they all responded and started throwing the snowballs back at him.

They were in a full-fledged snowball fight in which everyone was on their own. There were no teams, just each of them fighting to be the victor of it all. All you could hear around them was laughing and shrieking as they enjoyed the freedom of the snow and being alive.

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><p>A couple of hours later they finally went back inside to get warm again from all the playing in the snow. Olivia took a long hot shower, as much fun as she had had she was exhausted physically from the time outside. When she finished her shower she walked into the bedroom where Elliot was getting changed.<p>

"How are you feeling?" He asked walking over to her and pulling her close for a kiss.

She smiled at him and ran her hands up and down his chest before kissing him again. "Tired. But extremely happy."

He kissed the top of her baldhead before sitting down on the edge of the bed to put on his socks so she could put warm clothes on. "You can take a nap if you want. I'm going to go down town quick with Dickie to pick up a few things up at the store. I'll tell the rest of the kids to leave you alone so you can rest."

Olivia pulled on some underwear; a t-shirt and some of Elliot's sweat pants before climbing onto the bed. "Okay. Can I talk to you about something before you go?"

He put his legs up on the bed and turned to face her to give her his full attention. "Sure. What's on your mind?"

She bit her lip and pulled the blankets up over her legs feeling slightly cold and nervous. "Um…well before you woke up this morning Eli and I were talking about babies…"

Elliot stared at her for a moment, unsure where there this was going. "What did he ask you about sex or something?"

She laughed and shook her head. "Oh no. No. It's nothing like that."

Elliot sighed and nodded his head. "Okay so what is it then?"

"Well uh…he was talking about his friend Mikey who was adopted." She said slowly.

Elliot smiled. "Oh Mikey Dylan? He's such a good kid. His parents adopted him from Africa when they couldn't get pregnant. Very nice family."

Olivia smiled. "Well…he was asking questions about adoption and he kind of suggested that we adopt a baby…"

Elliot was quiet for a moment to take in her words. They had been discussing their future a lot lately, about marriage and what would happen with her illness. She had of course mentioned feeling sad that she most likely wouldn't be able to have a baby. Adoption had been brought up a few times…but not like this.

She seemed pretty serious about this and it excited and scared him.

"Eli suggested that we adopt a baby?" He asked needing to make sure he had heard her correctly.

She nodded slowly, feeling her heart beating fast in her chest. "Yeah. He did…he says he wants to be a big brother like Dickie."

Elliot smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. "He would say that…"

She took in his posture and demeanor and licked her lips nervously. "I mean…I know that there are a lot of things we'd need to take into consideration but…I mean maybe it could be a good idea for us. We've sort of talked about it before…but not really made any decisions. And…I don't want to pressure you or anything but…I really want to have a baby…and I can't do it myself."

Elliot stared at her and then cupped her face in his hand. "Liv…"

"I know you have your own kids. And I know there are no guarantees about what is going to happen to me. Maybe you're scared that I'll die and leave you with the baby." She said needing to rush on to make her point.

His heart was breaking for her and he shook his head trying to reassure her. "Honey I'm not-"

"But I just…I want to be a mother. I want that so bad…I think it's really the one thing I want most in life. And I'm not trying to pressure you or anything but I just think that maybe this is a good idea. Not necessarily for this second in our lives…but maybe a few years down the line when things are better."

She paused and let out a shaky breath before letting a tear fall from her eye. "What do you think?"

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her lips gently. "Olivia I would love to adopt a baby with you."

Her heart jumped for a moment and a smile grew on her lips. "Really?"

"Yes really…I think that you will be an amazing mother. The way you are with kids at work and the way you are with my kids…it inspires me Olivia. There is nothing I'd like more than to add someone else to this family. Maybe we can't do it right now…but in the future I'd love to adopt a child with you." He said softly.

She happily and then wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. "I love you. I love you. I love you so much."

He laughed and held her close and kissed the side of her head. "I love you too Olivia."

She sighed happily and pushed him away. "Okay…now I'm not only physically exhausted but emotionally exhausted as well. I need sleep…"

He laughed as she lay back on the bed and he leaned over her to kiss her lips. "Rest now…we can talk about this more later."

She smiled up at him and said, "I can't wait."

He pecked her lips again and then winked before pulling away and leaving to go to the store with Dickie. His heart was racing at the thought of the conversation he had just had with Olivia. There were many factors to consider and as much as he didn't want to admit it there was the fear of her dying and leaving him with the baby.

He of course would be able to handle taking care of him or her, that wasn't what scared and hurt him the most. What was most painful was having Olivia fall in love with this amazing human being and then having to leave him or her way to soon. It just didn't seem fair…

And yet the smile on her face was worth the risk…all he knew was that he wanted to keep making her smile like that forever.

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><p>An hour later, Elliot was still shopping with Dickie and Olivia was sound asleep. It had taken her a little while to be able to fall asleep because her mind was racing with all the excitement of possibly being a mother.<p>

She was in a deep sleep dreaming about the future she so desperately wanted when her phone started ringing on the table beside her. She jumped slightly and had to rub her eyes to try and remember where she was and what that sound was.

She sat up and flipped open the phone without even looking at the caller ID. "Hello?"

_"Olivia. Hi. It's Amy Cooper." The voice on the other end said to her._

Her heart dropped to her stomach for a moment, Amy never usually called her unless it was to tell her something important. She hadn't seen or heard from her since her last appointment and she knew that Elliot had spoken to her before they left for their weekend.

"Amy. Hi…how are you?" She asked nervously pulling the blankets up around her as she got the chills from anxiety.

_"I'm good. How are you? I know Elliot was taking you away for the weekend. I hope you are having a wonderful time!" She said honestly._

"We are having a great time up here…It's exactly what I needed." She wanted to ask why she was calling but part of her didn't want to know and hoped it was just a friendly conversation and check in.

_"Good. I'm glad. Elliot was very excited to take you away for awhile." Amy said._

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and just bit the bullet. "Were you calling just to check in? Or was there something else you wanted to talk about…"

_"Well as you know we took some CT Scans when you were here last week." She said._

Olivia closed her eyes and rested them against the back of the bed, waiting for the bad news she felt was coming. Just minutes ago she was dreaming happily about being married to Elliot and raising a baby with him. And now she was waiting for what she assumed as the news that there was no possibility of that ever happening…

"Right. I know." She couldn't keep her voice from shaking; she could feel the tears burning in the back of her eyes.

_"We got the results back this week and the tumors are shrinking Olivia." She said honestly._

Olivia's heart stopped for a moment and then she took a deep breath and sat up. "What?"

_"The tumors are shrinking. And not just a little bit…for the small amount of time we've been doing they are shrinking quite rapidly." Amy said happiness clearly in her voice._

Now her heart was beating from excitement. "They are shrinking? They're actually shrinking?"

_"Yes they are." Amy said happily, laughing to herself feeling so excited for Olivia._

She took another deep breath and got off the bed. "Let me just…let me just get this straight. You're telling me the tumors are shrinking. Am I hearing this correctly?"

_"Yes you've heard me correctly Olivia. The treatments are working and you are making fantastic process." Amy said._

Olivia jumped into the air excitedly and spun around and shrieked into the phone. "Oh my God! Oh my God! OH MY GOD!"

_Amy chuckled. "I knew you would take the news well…"_

Olivia sighed happily and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Amy this is the most amazing news…honestly I could cry right now."

_"I know I could have waited until I see you next week but I wanted to call right away. Of course this doesn't mean that you are cancer free Olivia…and we still have a way to go but this is amazing. I didn't think the treatments would work so quickly." She said._

Olivia put hand to her forehead and nodded. "Right. Right I know it's not over…but I can't help but feel so much more hopeful than I have been feeling lately. And Elliot and I have been talking a lot about the future so this just…it couldn't have come at a better time. Thank you so much for calling!"

_"Good. I'm glad you and Elliot have been talking about the future Olivia. I always worry that my patients take their diagnosis as a sign that there life is over already. I see a very bright future for you and Elliot…" She said happily._

"Thank you. Thank you for this…and for everything Amy. I owe you so much." Olivia said as tears started to build up on her eyes.

_"You don't owe me anything Olivia…I'm just doing my job." Amy said softly._

"Well you are fantastic at what you do Amy." Olivia said standing up again. "I'll see you on Thursday for my appointment then?"

_"Yes. We can talk more about all this then and we'll continue on with treatments seeing as they are working so well. I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!" Amy said to her._

"Oh I definitely will now. Thank you again!" Olivia hung up the phone and jumped up and couldn't' help herself from doing a little dance in celebration.

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><p>Twenty minutes later, she got dressed put on some make up and wrapped her head up with her favorite scarf. She could not wipe off the smile that was on her face, she wouldn't be able to hide this news from everyone.<p>

She was just putting on some lipstick when she heard the front door open signaling Elliot and Dickie's return from the store. Her heart did summersault in her chest and she quickly left the room to greet him downstairs.

Elliot was at the counter placing his grocery bag on top of it, he looked up at Olivia and took in her appearance. She was obviously always beautiful, but since all this had happened she often looked tired. Right now she looked like the old Olivia, radiant, energetic and happy.

"Hey…" He whispered stepping away from the counter towards her.

She didn't say anything, just wrapped her arms around his shoulders and pulled him in for a passionate kiss. She let her tongue trace his bottom lip and breathed him in, pressing her whole body against him. He seemed caught off guard for a moment since the kids were in the room, but they only watched them happily.

When she pulled away, Elliot looked dazed for a moment. He cleared his throat and blinked his eyes a few times trying to adjust to the feeling of not kissing her.

He stumbled back for a second to get more balanced and then he looked back at her. "What was that for?"

She let the tears build up in her eyes. "Amy called…my tumors are shrinking."

The kids had heard what she had said and were so excited but they were unable to move. They stood and waited for Elliot to respond, he seemed frozen in time for a moment as he looked into her eyes.

He put one hand on her arm and whispered. "They're shrinking?"

She nodded her head slowly. "Yes. The chemo is working…"

Elliot laughed happily and pulled Olivia up against him and then lifted her up off of her feet and spun her around. Taking it as a signal that they could celebrate now, the kids ran towards them and joined in on a group hug.

When they pulled away the kids started dancing around the kitchen and into the living room. Kathleen flipped on the CD player to give them something to dance too and Elliot pulled her in for another hug.

"I am so happy right now." He said holding her tightly to him. "I can't even breath…I feel like my heart is going to jump right out of my chest."

Olivia laughed and pushed him away and placed her hand over his heart. "Well I hope not…I'd hate to have to worry about you dying on me now…"

Elliot laughed and cupped her face in his hands and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. "I'm not going anywhere Olivia…not now. Not ever."

She leaned up on her tiptoes she could kiss him better as she held his waist. "Me either."

Elliot stared at her as she pulled away and smiled. "Looks like we're going to be able to adopt that baby of ours…"

"If I get any more good news today I'm going to think it's all a dream." She said leaning in to kiss him again.

"As much as I want to celebrate alone with you right now…the kids will kill us if we go off on our own." He said rubbing her sides up and down and prepping her with kisses again.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck again. "We have plenty of time to celebrate Elliot…plenty of time."

He smiled and pulled her by the hand towards the living room where the kids were dancing around. They joined in on the conga line they had created throughout the room.

They danced and sang along to the music in celebration for the rest of the afternoon until they were too tired to move anymore. And that night once the kids were all asleep Olivia and Elliot finally celebrated the news together in the privacy of the bedroom…

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><p><strong>Told you it was happier :) I hope you liked it! I'll try and update soon :)<strong>


	24. Chapter 24

**Hey guys...I'm very sorry for the long absence. It seems that art has imitated life a little for me lately. My Dad was diagnosed with COlon Cancer so I've been a bit preoccupied and haven't had the time or motivation to write new chapters. But today we got some good news about his prognosis and I remembered I had faithful readers who were missing my story. So I wrote this chapter and I hope you like it. I've had the outline for the chapter for a long time and although it sounds a bit depressing I think you'll like it in the end. There are only a few more chapters left in this story but I have another story in the works as well. So don't worry. Once again thanks for being patient with me and I hope you enjoy the chapter. :) **

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><p>A month and a half later, Olivia's tumors were continuing to shrink. Everyone was extremely happy about the outcome of the treatments but they still took it day by day. Even though the treatments were working, they were still tough to handle and Olivia had her good and bad days.<p>

The weather was starting to get warmer as spring was approaching and it was having a good effect on everyone's moods. One afternoon, Elliot came back to the apartment after almost two full days at the precinct for a case. He hadn't seen Olivia in awhile but had called to check in and Kathy as well as Casey had checked in on her for him too.

He walked into the bedroom and saw Olivia curled up on her side on the bed. He sat down beside her and then curled up to spoon her from behind. She sighed happily and leaned back into him letting him hold her against his chest.

"You're back…" She whispered softly.

Elliot kissed the side of her head and rubbed her hips. "I'm back. How are you?"

She yawned and turned on her side so she could hug him close, resting her head against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. "Tired. Haven't been able to eat much today."

He kissed the top of her head and caressed her back gently. "Yeah…Casey said you weren't feeling very well. I wish I could have come home sooner…"

She kissed his neck gently and closed her eyes again. "I'm fine. Tough case?"

He closed his own eyes and kissed the top of her head. "Just really frustrating."

She leaned up to kiss him on the lips gently. "I'm sorry…" She whispered.

He kissed her forehead and pulled her against him again. "It's okay…"

"I had the strangest dream last night…" Olivia whispered as he held her close.

He started to rub her back gently again. "What was it about?"

She sighed and closed her eyes. "I was here…and I woke up form a nap and my Mom was here…sitting in the living room."

Elliot stopped moving his hand for a moment and opened his eyes; she never usually talked about her Mom. "Your Mom?"

Olivia moved to sit up and stare down at him, a small smile on her face. "Yeah…my Mom."

He reached a hand up to caress her cheek gently. "So…what happened?"

She licked her lips and curled her legs up under each other and smiled down at him. "Well we just talked…"

He moved his head on the pillow to stare at her better. "About what?"

She shrugged. "She said…she said that she was sorry for not being the Mom I deserved."

Elliot let her words sink in for a moment before responding. "Wow…"

She smiled sadly, her eyes burning a little with tears. "I know that it was just a dream…but it felt so real."

"Maybe it was." Elliot whispered softly, truly meaning what he said.

She sighed and rested her hands in her lap. "Do you believe that even after people are dead they can still talk to you?"

Elliot stared at up at the ceiling for a moment and smiled. "I believe in heaven. You know that already. But I believe that people are still with us even after they are gone yes. And I believe that they try and communicate with us whenever they can…especially when we are least expecting it and when we really need it."

Olivia stared down at her lap. "She said that it wasn't my time…that I still had a lot more to do before we got to be together again."

He turned his head to look at her again. "Well I think she's right."

She reached over to touch his cheek softly. "When I first got the diagnosis…I have to be honest. I wanted to give up…I wanted to just die. I thought it would be so much easier. And even during treatments there were moments when I thought its not working so just stop…"

He cleared his throat and touched her arm gently. "And now?"

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and caressed his cheek. "Now…I'm so glad I fought. I know it's not over…and that there is always a chance it could come back in the future. But…"

He smiled and leaned up on his elbows. "But?"

"But…" She smiled gently and leaned closer to him. "But I'm so in love with you. And I know I've said thank you before…but Elliot…"

He shook his head and leaned up to kiss her. "You don't have to say anything."

She put her finger to his lips for a moment to stop him. "No…just listen to me. Okay?"

Elliot sat up slowly and looked at her intently, he knew she needed to say something and he wanted to give her the chance to just let all her emotions go. "Okay…I'm listening."

She licked her lips and reached for his hand. "I uh…there is something I should probably tell you. Something that happened a long time ago…that I've always been to afraid to admit."

He nodded slowly and squeezed her hand. "Okay…what is it?"

She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath. "Do you remember that night you came to my apartment after I went undercover with the Harris case?"

He squinted his eyes at her for a moment before nodding. "Yeah sure. You took a few days off of work…Cragen said you needed some time off. I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I uh…I had a plan for that night." She whispered softly.

Elliot stared at her and leaned in closer. "What do you mean?"

Olivia looked up at him and sniffled. "El I was thinking…" She sighed and shook her head. "No…I was planning on killing myself."

Elliot froze for a moment and then leaned away from her. "What?"

She licked her lips and sighed. "I was never honest with you about what happened to me in that jail. Harris didn't rape me…but he tried."

He felt his heart racing in his chest, he felt angry but he knew she needed to get this off her chest. "Why didn't you tell me?"

She wiped her eyes gently and looked down at her lap again. "Because I was to embarrassed…I felt like I should have known better than to get myself into a situation like that."

"Liv you were undercover…" He whispered.

"I just…I was feeling so confused and so depressed. It was like everything I had ever tried to forget all came at me at once and it was too much to handle. I felt like I was drowning in my thoughts…" She said leaning against the headboard.

"You could have talked to me about it…" He whispered.

She smiled sadly at him. "You know I've never been one to open up about my feelings. Neither are you. With this job its easier to solve other people's problems instead of solving our own."

He sighed and nodded. "That's true…"

She closed her eyes for a moment and thought back to that time in her life. "I kept thinking it would get better. That the weight would just lift and everything would go back to normal. But everyday I felt worse and worse and I couldn't think of a way of fixing it…until I took a long hard look at my gun."

Elliot felt his stomach flip, he felt sick thinking about how she must have been feeling. He wanted to believe that she trusted him with all her heart then and now, but he knew it wasn't that simple. She had been through a lot in her life; she had never had anyone to trust before him.

He just wished he had seen how bad things were from her. "So then what…"

She licked her lips and opened her eyes, to look down at her lap. "That night you came over…I went up to my roof with a bag."

Elliot squinted and nodded. "I remember seeing it…"

She nodded. "Well there was a bottle of wine, a photo and my gun in there. The plan was to drink all the wine, put the photo in my pocket and then…"

She lifted her hand and pointed at her head, making the signal for a gun. Elliot grimaced and looked away from her, trying to hide the anger and fear in his eyes. He couldn't pretend that the thought of suicide hadn't crossed his mind after a few hard cases. But it was a sin…

He couldn't imagine what he would have done if he had found her on the roof that night. He wondered if he would have been able to refrain from picking up the gun himself. The guilt of not realizing how deep she was into her depression would have drove him over the edge.

"You looked so angry when you saw me…" Elliot whispered thinking about that night when he showed up on the roof.

She laughed to herself. "I was pissed because you had interrupted the plan. And…because I hadn't thought of the fact that you knew me better than anyone else. I should have known that you would find me…"

He smiled sadly and sat up to look at her better. "After I left you still could have gone through with it…"

She nodded slowly. "I could have…"

"But you didn't…why not?" He whispered softly looking intently at her.

Olivia licked her lips and reached a hand out to caress his face. "Because I didn't want to hurt you. And because I realized I still had something to live for…"

"I never would have forgiven myself if you had gone through with it." He whispered.

Olivia nodded and leaned forward to kiss his forehead. "I know. And I didn't want that for you. It wasn't your fault…but I knew you'd think it was. It's who you are."

"And you wouldn't have felt the same if the roles were reversed?" He asked.

Olivia smirked. "Touché."

Elliot turned from her and stared at a random spot on the wall. "If I had gone up to that roof and seen you lying there…"

His eyes closed and the mental image of Olivia lying in a pool of blood rushed through him. He felt sick and he had to sit up and shake his head to get rid of the image. He wiped a hand over his face and laughed sadly thinking it would be something he could not forget.

"I didn't do it…" Olivia whispered feeling nervous about his reaction.

He turned his head towards her and nodded. "I know…"

She sighed and leaned against the headboard again. "See this is why I never wanted to tell you. You look at me different now…"

He swallowed the lump in his throat and looked over at her again. "I just…I can't imagine what would have happened if you went through with it."

"Well then I guess it's a good thing you know me so well and showed up that night…" She whispered softly.

He nodded and smiled. "I guess so…"

"Are you mad?" Olivia asked nervously.

Elliot shook his head and leaned over to kiss her. "No. Of course not."

She kissed him again. "But…"

He smiled and sighed. "But I just wish you had been honest with me about how you were feeling."

She nodded and rubbed his arm gently. "I wish I could have too…"

"From now on…you'll tell me if you ever feel like that again right?" He whispered, staring into her eyes as if he was afraid she was going to disappear before his eyes.

She cupped his face in her hands and said quietly. "Elliot I wouldn't do that. This whole cancer thing has made me realize how precious life actually is…I couldn't leave you anyway."

He nodded slowly before answering. "But…just promise you'll tell me how you are feeling Liv. Please…"

She could see in his eyes how much it had affected him to hear her say she thought about killing herself. "I promise I'll tell you…"

He leaned forward to kiss her and then lay down on the bed and pulled her down with him. She rested her head against his chest and he rubbed her back slowly trying to let everything sink in.

"Sorry I freaked out a little there…its just the thought that you not being here anymore scares me to death." He said kissing the top of her head gently.

She wrapped her arm around his waist and closed her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere Elliot."

He held her closer and breathed her in before finally letting his eyes close and let sleep take over him. Even with the pain of her confession still lingering in his mind, the feel of her in his arms let him feel at peace.

* * *

><p>Later that night, Olivia was in the kitchen making dinner while Elliot still slept. She knew it was a risk being honest with Elliot about how she had thought of killing herself. But after everything they had gone through, especially in the last few months she felt it was only right to be completely honest with him about everything.<p>

He had of course saved her life that night just as he was saving her life now. She owed it to him to know how much that meant to her, so even though it was hard she felt that it would help them in the long run.

She had just started to drain the pasta when Elliot walked out of the bedroom, stretching and yawning. "How long have I been asleep?"

"A few hours." Olivia said transferring the pasta into a bowl.

He groaned and sat down at the counter. "It only felt like ten minutes."

Olivia laughed and poured the sauce over the pasta. "I remember that feeling…" She walked over to him and put the bowl in front of him. "You hungry?"

"Starving…" Elliot whispered as she put an empty bowl in front of him. "Thanks."

Olivia sat across from him and watched begin to eat his food. He seemed to have a small frown on his face and she was worried he was still upset about what she had told him before. She took a bite of her own pasta and chewed it for a few moments, as she continued to study him.

He was unusually quiet so she figured she'd try to get him to talk. "So…have you talked to the kids lately?"

Elliot glanced up at her and nodded. "I talked to Kathleen on the phone this morning. She seems good…"

Olivia nodded slowly and pushed around her food. "What about Eli?"

"I think I'm picking him up from school tomorrow. I'll probably take him to the park or something for awhile and then maybe bring him over here for dinner. I'm sure he'll want to see you…" He said smiling gently.

She smiled and nodded. "That's good. I've missed him…"

Elliot took another look at her and then looked back at his food. He continued to eat without making an effort to talk to her. She felt her palms start to sweat, she was afraid he had been lying before about how he wasn't mad about her confession.

"Hey El…?" She whispered softly.

He looked up and nodded. "Yeah?"

She squinted her eyes and stared at him for a moment. "Are you okay?"

He nodded his head and looked back down at his plate. "I'm fine."

She put her fork down and continued to watch him before clearing her throat. "Are you sure? You seem…upset about something."

He felt his heart start to beat faster as he avoided eye contact with her. "No. No I'm really fine."  
>She licked her lips and sighed. "Elliot if this is about before-"<p>

He sighed and put his own fork down and pushed his plate away. "It's not anything you did…"

She bit her lip and cocked her head to the side. "Then what is it? Is it the case? We can talk about it if you want…it might make you feel better."

Elliot sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "It's not about the case either. It's about something I've been trying to avoid…"

The lump in her throat grew and she had the sudden feeling that he was about to end their relationship. "Oh. Um…like what?"

He lifted his hand and took a sip of his water, before leaning back in his chair and looking up at her. "When you were talking earlier about how you had thought about…killing yourself." He said trying not to cringe. "It reminded me of something…"

She rested her arms on the table and looked at him curiously. "I don't understand…"

He ran a hand over his still bald head and sighed. "I wasn't just angry that you were telling me about how you had thought about it. I was mad at myself because I have thought about it too."

She felt her heart sink to her stomach at the thought and suddenly understood what he had been feeling before. "You have?"

He nodded slowly, never breaking eye contact with her. "Very recently actually."

She understood then. "After Jenna…"

Elliot nodded and smiled sadly. "After Jenna…"

She swallowed the lump in her throat and pushed her plate away. "Is that why you really left?"

He sighed again and got up and walked into the living room. "I was so angry after that day in the precinct. I felt so helpless…and then I went home and I didn't feel like I could look anyone in the eye. Something in me snapped when I pulled that trigger…I felt like part of me had died."

She stood up and walked towards him slowly. "I know that feeling. It's how I felt after I was undercover with Harris."

Elliot nodded and turned to look at her again. "I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat…every part of me hurt and I just didn't see the point in staying alive anymore."

Knowing how important religion was to him, she knew this had to be extremely hard for him to admit. She took a few more steps towards him and reached for his hands, his eyes moved up to find hers again.

"You're not the only person that has ever felt this way Elliot…" She whispered to him softly, hoping he would understand it was okay to feel that pain. "It's okay…"

He licked his lips and nodded. "The night I packed my bags I wasn't originally going to go live with my Mom."

"Where were you going to go?" She asked curiously.

He sighed and released her hand before walking over to the couch and sitting down. "Whenever my Mom would have one of her episodes I always needed to get out of the house for a few hours. I couldn't stand watching her act the way she did…so I used to go up to this cove about two miles from our house."

Olivia walked over to him and sat beside him, she placed a hand on the small of his back. "So you went there?"

He stared at the coffee table in front of him, to afraid to meet her eyes. "Yeah. I figured I'd park the car there and then just jump in the water and keep swimming until I couldn't swim any longer. And then…I'd just float until God finally decided to take me to heaven."

Olivia closed her eyes, she thought about what it would have been like to get the call telling her that Elliot's body had been found in the ocean. She felt a chill run down her spine and tears well up in her eyes.

It had been hard enough when he left the precinct, but the idea that she almost never saw him again after that day made her feel sick to her stomach. And the sickness was much unlike the sickness she felt from her chemo. Chemo made her feel nauseas like you do when you have the flu or you get sick from the car. This was like a gut wrenching sickness the kind that you get when something so terrible happens you can never breath the same way again.

"But you didn't go through with it…" Olivia whispered feeling the tears well up in her eyes.

Elliot smiled and shook his head before turning back to her. "Nope. And I have you to blame for that."

She looked at him feeling confused by his statement. "Me?"

Elliot laughed and nodded. "I was standing at the edge of the water just about to go in…and my phone rang in my pocket. I looked at the screen and there was your face…"

She smiled. "I must have called you a hundred times just that night alone…"

He nodded and leaned back on the couch. "I had been avoiding looking at it all night. But for some reason in that moment I looked…"

She leaned back to be closer to him. "But you didn't answer."

He shook his head and reached up to caress her face. "Nope."

"I don't understand…" She whispered. "You could have just turned the phone off and gone through with it."

He shrugged and smiled. "I guess it's the same reason you didn't go through with it after I left you that night on the roof. I remembered I had something to live for…I just had to take some time by myself to come to terms with it all. And then when you showed up at my Mom's house I knew it was time to go back. I was just being stubborn…"

She smiled "It is one of the things you are extremely good at."

He chuckled and nodded. "Fair enough."

"Have you talked to your therapist about this?" She asked gently.

Elliot sighed. "Not really. I've been avoiding it all together I think. I was ashamed of it because I know it's a sin."

"But me telling you about how I almost went through with it you realized you weren't alone." She whispered.

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. Something like that."

Olivia sighed and pulled her legs up on the couch and put a hand on the back of his neck, rubbing it gently. "I am incredibly glad you are still here Elliot Stabler. You mean more to me then you could possibly know. But you shouldn't be ashamed of those feelings…millions of people feel that way in their lifetime. I'm not condoning suicide but never be ashamed of your past. You learned from it didn't you?"

Elliot nodded and smiled. "I learned that there is always something to live for."

"Love…" Olivia whispered moving her hand to caress his face.

Elliot leaned forward and kissed her gently. "Love…"

She smiled and then leaned against his side to rest her head on his shoulder. "Life's a funny thing isn't it?"

He sighed and kissed her scarf-covered head. "I suppose it is."

"I've always wondered what life would have been like if we hadn't waited so long to get together. But now I realize this was the way it was always supposed to turn out. We had to go through all of those things to get to this point right now…we had to learn all that to find our way to each other." She whispered softly.

"I guess you're right." He said squeezing her shoulder. "Even though I wish we could have had more time together…I wouldn't change a thing."

She leaned over and kissed his neck gently. "Me either…"

She sighed and then stood up before turning to him with a smile on her face. She reached her hand out to him hopefully and he smiled up at her.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

She smiled. "All this talking has made me tired again…I want to go to bed with you."

He smiled and let her pull him to his feet, they walked past the food on the table not worrying about it anymore. They were almost at the door to the bedroom when Elliot pulled her back a little making him turn back to him.

"What is it?" She asked leaning against the wall and staring at him curiously.

"Do you remember before when you were telling me about that night on the roof?" He asked her softly.

She nodded slowly before answering. "Yeah. What about it?"

"You said you brought a bag up…with wine your gun and a picture…" He whispered slowly.

She smiled knowing what he was about to ask. "Yeah…"

"What was the picture of?" He asked wondering why he hadn't asked before.

She smiled and put a gentle hand on his chest. "It was a picture of you and me from the night we went to Cragen's party to celebrate him being Captain for fifteen years. Do you remember it?"

He smiled and nodded his head. "I remember…that was one of the first nights I think I realized I cared about you as more than just my partner. You looked so beautiful…you took my breath away."

Olivia smiled at him. "I had too much to drink. It was just after my Mom died and everything hurt too much. You held onto me all night because you didn't want me to fall. And for the first time in a long time I finally felt safe…"

"I remember you looked like you were going to cry and I knew I had to do something to make you smile again." He whispered remembering the night vividly.

Olivia nodded. "You told me some ridiculous joke, one that I can't even remember but I laughed anyway."

"And Alex took a picture of us…" He said smiling.

She smiled and nodded. "Yes she did. She gave it to me when she got it developed. That night before I went to the roof I found it on my desk and I put it in my bag."

He smiled at her and then cocked his head to the side. "Why?"

She sighed and took his hand in hers. "Because I wanted your face to be the last thing I saw before I died…because I knew that whatever happened next you'd keep me safe like you always do. You kept me safe that night…and you've kept me safe every night since then El. We're still here for a reason…"

"And why's that?" He asked softly leaning closer to her.

She smiled and stepped all the way up to him and put her hand on his cheek. "Because our story wasn't over yet…"

Elliot smiled, the first real smile he'd had in a long time. He leaned all the way into her and captured her lips with his and kissed her as passionately as he possibly could. When he finally pulled away he stared into her eyes for a moment and she smiled that brilliant smile of hers.

"Come on…let's right another chapter in our book." She said smirking as she took his hand and pulled him back towards the bedroom.

Elliot smiled after her as she pulled him through the door. He had been avoiding those thoughts about that night for so long he didn't realize how much of a weight they had been on his shoulders. Now he felt so much lighter like he could handle anything that came there way.

With everything that had been going on recently, he finally felt like there future was brighter than ever. That night when he made love to Olivia he knew she was right…there story was far from being over.

* * *

><p><strong>Well I hope you liked the update. I felt that it was an important topic to discuss, a lot of people often have those feelings and even though I don't think anyone should ever take their own life...I dont' think you should be ashamed of those feelings. I myself have felt them before and I have learned from that time in my life. But I will say this...if you ever do feel that way please reach out for help. Whether you call a friend, a family member or someone in the medical field that can help you...please call. There is always help out there and there is always something to live for...<strong>

**I'll update again soon. I hope you are all doing well. Thanks for your continued support! **


	25. Chapter 25

**Hey guys, thanks so much for your kind words and support. It means a lot to me to know I have people praying for my Dad to pull through. He seems good, his spirits are high so that's always good! I realized that writing was a good distraction from it all so I wrote the next chapter. I think you'll like it, I hope you'll like it because I do. Update to come soon, I PROMISE !:) **

* * *

><p>Four months later, Olivia was officially done with her cancer treatments. The tumors had shrunk enough where they could remove them by surgery again. After recovering she did a few more sessions of chemo and was now resting at home. Two months earlier, she and Elliot had put their name down on a adoption waiting list knowing how long the process took.<p>

They had met with a representative at the agency to talk about the whole process. Their advisor Lydia Moore had been working with couples trying to adopt for ten years. . She knew that Olivia was recovering from a serious illness, that Elliot had kids from a pervious marriage and she also knew that Elliot and Olivia were not married…

She had mentioned that the fact that they were not married was something that could hurt their process of adopting. One afternoon she was sitting in the apartment going through old pictures thinking about how far she had come, how far they had come. Her hair had begun to grow back; she had enough and was very happy to have it back. She had had short hair before so it wasn't anything that made her uncomfortable or self-conscious.

She was so wrapped up in her photo albums she didn't hear Elliot enter the apartment. He walked up behind her and kissed the top of her head and then sat down beside her.

"Hey babe." He said wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

She smiled at him and looked at the clock. "How did I not hear you come in?"

"Looks like you were a bit preoccupied…" He said looking down at the album in her hand.

"How was work?" She asked closing it and putting it on the coffee table before turning towards him completely.

"Good." He said reaching over to cup her face. "I got a phone call from Lydia…"

Suddenly she felt her heart jump in her chest, she knew the probability of them getting a baby so soon wasn't likely but she was still excited. "Oh? What did she want?"

"She wants to meet with us this afternoon if we can." He said shrugging. "Do you have any plans?"

She shook her head adamantly. "No. No plans. We can go."

He laughed and leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "Okay. I can tell you like this plan."

Olivia's face burned red and sighed before taking his hand in hers. "I just…I want a baby Elliot. I really want this to happen…"

He nodded and smiled. "I know Liv…and it will."

She took a deep breath and kissed his cheek before standing up. "What time does she want us there?"

"She said she had a cancellation at two so that would be best for her." He said watching her walk towards the bedroom.

Olivia looked at the clock in the kitchen and smiled. "Well then I'm going to jump in the shower quick. Okay?"

He nodded and put his feet up on the coffee table. "Sure. I'll be here."

She winked at him before disappearing into the bedroom to start to getting ready. Elliot waited until he heard the water running in the shower before he picked up his phone and made a call.

"Hey Elliot." Lydia said on the other end. "Everything set for this afternoon?"

"Yup. She bought it. Casey and Alex just got down to the precinct to help Fin and Munch set everything up. Maureen is picking up the rest of my kids and we'll be there before Liv and I get there." He said with a huge smile on his face.

"You know I don't normally do things like this…but you two really deserve it. Are you nervous?" She asked.

Elliot sighed slowly. "Honestly? No. This is what I want more than anything. Olivia means the world to me and this is our chance to have that happily ever after we've always wanted."

"Well I'm happy for you guys. I'll see you later this afternoon. Good luck!" Lydia said before hanging up.

Elliot smiled to himself and then put his phone down thinking about what the next few hours would bring. There was always the possibility that things wouldn't turn out the way he had hoped or been planning on. But deep in his heart he knew that this was it…this was the way it was supposed to be for them. Little did he know…he wasn't the only one with a surprise up their sleeve…

* * *

><p>Back at the precinct, Casey was so excited she could barely stand still. She would randomly break out crying and Alex had to console her enough to bring her back to reality.<p>

"Would you stop it?" Alex said rolling her eyes as she continued to set up the office.

Casey wiped her tears away and tried to breath normally. "I can't help it! I just…I'm so happy for them!"

"We all are Casey but if you act like this the second they walk through the door you're going to give it all away." Munch said laughing as he cleaned off his desk for the special event.

Casey hoped up on Fin's desk as he walked in with coffee for them all. "She's still crying I see?"

"Shut up!" Casey said throwing the box of tissues at his head.

Fin ducked and chuckled before putting the tray of coffee for them all on Munch's desk. "Have you guys heard from Elliot yet?"

"He called about a half hour ago." Alex said grabbing a cup from Fin. "He said everything is on schedule and we should expect them to be here around two."

"When will Cragen be here?" Fin asked sitting down at his desk chair.

"He's picking up a few last minute things and then he'll be here." Munch said taking his own coffee.

Alex sat down on the edge of Elliot's desk and then rolled her eyes when she saw that Casey was crying again. "Seriously?"

Casey huffed. "I can't help it! They are just…so perfect for each other. This is amazing."

"They have come along way…" Munch said smirking. "They've been through so much and through it all they've stuck together."

"See now you are going to make me cry…" Alex said feeling her lip begin to tremble.

Fin laughed and took a sip of his coffee. "They have been through a lot. But I never really thought they'd make it to this point…they are quite stubborn you know."

Munch chuckled before answering. "You think?"

"All I know is…they deserve this more than anyone I know." Alex said finally feeling emotional.

"That is definitely true…" Fin said.

"I guess we just have to wait to see how it turns out…" Munch said shrugging.

"T-minus 49 minutes and counting!" Casey said clapping her hands together as she looked at her watch.

"That's all we have left? We have to get a move on then!" Alex said jumping off the desk again and getting back to work.

The four friends quickly forgot about their coffee and began to finish what they had been asked to do. This was for their friends…there two very best friends who were finally going to have everything they deserve.

* * *

><p>When Elliot and Olivia were finally in the car on their way to the precinct Elliot was finally feeling nervous. She was sitting in the passenger seat practically jumping up and down with excitement and it helped ease his nerves a little.<p>

She finally turned to him and said, "What do you think she wants to meet with us for?"

Elliot shrugged. "She probably just has a few more questions."

"But she knows everything about us!" Olivia said biting her lip nervously. "What if…what if she thinks we're not cut out for this?"

They were stopped at a red light so Elliot turned towards her slowly. "Liv…honey of course she doesn't think that. Why would you say that?"

"Well…I am still technically recovering. And our jobs make it hard sometimes to be around as much as maybe we should be for the baby. But maybe I don't have to go back to work!" She said nervously.

Elliot shook her head. "No we agreed that we both should be back at the precinct. It's where we belong…but that doesn't mean that we can't be good parents. We will just have to make a few adjustments and figure it all out."

"What if it's about how we're not married?" She asked feeling her heart beat faster. "I mean I know we agreed that it wasn't a good idea to just get married for the sake of getting a baby but…"

Elliot reached over to her and took her hand in his. "Liv calm down. We'll figure it all out when we talk to her okay? Everything is going to be fine."

He pulled up in front of the precinct and she looked out the window feeling confused about what was going on. "Wait…why are we here?"

"I forgot my wallet this afternoon so I'm gonna run upstairs and grab it. Why don't you come with me? The guys really miss you." He said.

She bit her lip and looked at the time on her cell phone. "Aren't we going to be late?"

Elliot shook his head. "No. We have plenty of time to get down to her office. Just run upstairs with me really quick and then we'll go meet with her."

Olivia sighed and got out of the car; he smiled and walked around the car to walk with her. He took her hand and lead her into the building for what could be the biggest moment of his life…

* * *

><p>Upstairs everyone was in place, all of Elliot's kids were in Cragen's office hiding until the moment they were to come out. The rest of the crew was sitting around pretending to be working but Alex kept anxiously looking at her phone waiting for Elliot's text message letting them know they were on their way up.<p>

When she felt her phone vibrate finally she almost fell out of her chair, flipping it open she jumped up. "There in the elevator!"

Cragen quickly walked towards his office and slipped inside to pretend that nothing was going on. Fin and Munch continued to act as if they were filling out paperwork and Alex was quietly talking to Casey trying to keep her from crying and giving it all away.

Once the elevator doors opened and Olivia and Elliot were walking towards the office together, Olivia's mind was somewhere else. She was thinking about their meeting with Lydia, which was probably a good thing because she didn't notice the strange looks she was getting. Everyone down at the precinct knew what was about to happen…and they were quite excited about it.

Once they were all the way into the office, Olivia started to look around and felt that something was different. But she was quickly distracted by Fin calling her name so she forgot about how everything looked different.

"Hey baby girl." He said walking over to her and kissing the side of her face. "How are you? You look great."

Olivia smiled at him. "Thanks Fin. I'm good. Feeling stronger everyday actually."

"Good. That's what's important. How's Elliot treating you? Do I need to whip his ass into shape?" Fin teased playfully.

She shook her head and smiled. "No. He's great as always."

"I don't know if you can say always…" Munch said rolling his eyes.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Fin asked ignoring Munch's comment.

"I forgot my wallet when I was hear earlier." Elliot said pretending to look around the office for it.

"Oh you know I think Cap said he brought it into his office to keep it safe." Munch said playing along with the plan.

Elliot smiled. "Great. Thanks John." He turned to Olivia and kissed her cheek. "Be right back."

Olivia watched Elliot walk away and nervously sat down on the edge of his desk. She couldn't shake the feeling that something was either wrong or something very good was going to happen when they met with Lydia.

In Cragen's office, Elliot smiled at his kids and hugged them all before walking over to Dickie. "Do you have it?"

Dickie smiled and reached into his pocket. "One engagement ring as promised."

"Thanks for keeping it safe buddy." Elliot said opening the box and checking the shine of it one last time.

"Of course. You ready?" Dickie asked smiling at his Dad.

Elliot took a deep breath and nodded. "I am. I really am…"

"I just got off the phone with Lydia…she's waiting in one of the interrogation rooms so Olivia can't see her." Cragen said smiling.

Elliot nodded and smiled. "Okay great. Then…let's get the show on the road."

"This is it…" Maureen said smiling. "The moment you've been waiting for."

Elliot smiled at his oldest daughter and then looked at all of his kids one by one. "I'm really happy you're all here. It means so much to me."

"No where else we'd rather be Dad…" Kathleen said smiling and patting him on the shoulder. "Go get her…"

Elliot nodded and turned his back on his kids, at the door he winked at them all and then walked into the office. Olivia was sitting on the edge of his desk and he couldn't believe just how beautiful she really was. She never ceased to amaze him…

Olivia looked over at him and smiled before hopping off his desk. "You ready?"

"Not quite…" He whispered trying to contain the smile on his face.

Olivia looked at him feeling confused and didn't notice Alex and Casey slipping into the background towards the light switches. "What do you mean? El we really need to get going. Lydia is waiting for us…"

"Well actually she's here…" Elliot said smiling at her and walking all the way up to her.

She sighed and shook her head. "Elliot what are you talking about?"

"Hi Olivia." Lydia said walking into the open so Olivia could see her. "How are you?"

Olivia looked at Lydia and then back at Elliot, still so confused she didn't notice everyone's behavior around her or the fact that all of Elliot's kids were suddenly in the room. "Why is she here? Is she checking out our work environment or something?"

"No…that's not why she's here." Elliot said smiling at her even more. "I just wanted her to be here for what I'm about to do."

"What are you-" She started saying before she noticed the lights going dim and the white twinkle lights that were draped around the precinct. "Elliot…"

He smiled at her and walked her over towards her desk chair. "Sit down…"

Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat and in a haze let him lead her. "Elliot…"

She looked past him and finally noticed his kids, all their friends and co-workers and she finally was beginning to understand. She suddenly lost the ability to speak and she practically fell into the chair and turned back to Elliot.

"Liv…we've known each other for a long time. A very long time...and we've been through more than two people can usually withstand." Elliot said licking his lips and trying to keep from crying. "I just…I can't imagine my life without you. The last year has been one of the hardest we've ever had to go through. And there have been times where we've both wanted to give up but we haven't."

Kathleen leaned her head against her sisters Lizzie's shoulder and felt the tears burning in her eyes. Maureen had Eli in her arms and he wiped a tear away from his oldest sisters eyes. Cragen leaned against his office door and smiled at Dickie who looked on proudly at his father and soon to be stepmother.

"During our time together as partners there were many times when I worried that I was going to lose you. But you continued to amaze me Olivia with your strength and perseverance…and you kept me together so many times when I wanted to just throw in the towel. I never did though because I never wanted to disappoint you…" He said smiling at her.

Olivia laughed to herself and shook her head as she wiped a tear away from her eyes. "You could never disappoint me Elliot…"

Munch put his arm around Casey who was at this point sobbing and Alex grabbed onto Fin's arm feeling ready to explode with excitement.

"Well good…" He said chuckling before kneeling down in front of her. "I probably could have done this in a more romantic way. I could have taken you to some beautiful location rather than the office but I didn't think it would be right. This is where we met…this is where our relationship grew and where I realized I love you. This is where so many amazing things have happened…and so many scary things have happened for us. But I wouldn't' change any of it because it all brought us here to this moment…"

She bit her lip and looked deep into his eyes knowing that he didn't really have to ask the question. She knew her answer but she wanted to hear what else he had to say. But he was wrong about one thing…this was the most romantic place he could have possibly picked for this very moment.

"Lately we've been talking a lot about the future and what we want with our lives. Part of it is because we've been so afraid that we wouldn't have the possibility of a future…" His voice started cracking slightly and she grabbed for his hand to give him comfort. "But I know we have a future Liv…it's like you said. Our story isn't over yet..."

She laughed because she had never felt so full and happy in her life. She watched him reach into his pocket and pull out a small black box and she knew this was it.

"In fact it's just beginning…or it will be if you answer yes to my question." She smiled as he opened the box and smiled. "Olivia Marie Benson…will you do be the honor of becoming my wife and letting me love you from now until the end of time?"

She laughed happily again and put her head in her hands finally letting the tears fall. She looked back up at him with the biggest smile on her face unable to conceal her happiness.

Everyone waited patiently for Olivia to answer and she finally found her voice again. "Yes. Yes of course I'll marry you!"

The room erupted in applause and cheering when he pulled her into his arms. He pulled her to her feet and lifted her off the ground holding her as close as he possibly could.

When he finally set her down again, Olivia cupped his face in her hands and pulled him in for a fierce kiss before whispering. "I love you Elliot Stabler. Always have…always will"

He smiled at her and kissed her lips one more time before taking her hand in his and slipping the ring onto her finger. "Right back at you beautiful."

They kissed once more before they were bombarded with their friends and family who were pulling them both in for hugs in celebration. Fin whipped out the champagne and Casey helped with the glasses as they passed them around.

After a minute of taking it all in, Olivia finally turned towards Lydia remembering that she was there. "Lydia…you were in on this too?"

Lydia smiled and nodded. "Elliot came to meet with me last week without you because he wanted to tell me that he was proposing. I think he was afraid I would think he was just doing it to make your application look better…but once he started talking to me I knew this was the real deal."

Olivia smiled at Elliot as everyone watched them. "Have you been planning this for awhile?"

Elliot laughed and nodded. "Yes. I just couldn't figure out the right moment to do it. I've had this ring for months now…and I was trying to find the right time and place to ask you. And then I just realized…this is exactly where it should happen."

Olivia leaned up and kissed him again. "Yes it was…I just can't believe you were able to keep this all from me for so long!"

"Trust me there were a few people that almost spilled the beans…" Elliot said glaring at Casey and Alex.

"Hey! I didn't tell her did I?" Casey said rolling her eyes.

Everyone laughed and then Olivia turned back to Lydia. "Well I'm glad you're here. And I hope you know that we wouldn't just do something like this to look better. We really want to have adopt a baby…more than you could possibly know."

Lydia smiled at them and nodded. "Oh I can't definitely see that you two aren't trying to play games with me. From everything you've both told me and what I've learned from your friends I see that this is a long time coming."

"You talked to our friends?" Elliot asked not knowing that part.

Lydia smiled. "Yes. And they all had wonderful things to say about you. They let me know that they have never met two more people who love each other as much as you both do. And that I would be crazy not to find a baby to give the best family possible and that's you two…"

Olivia smiled happily at her. "We know that this process can take a long time. But we are willing to wait as long as we need to…this means more to us than you could know."

"Well good…that makes my decision even easier." Lydia said smiling at them. "And it also makes what I'm about to say even better…"

"What do you mean?" Olivia said feeling her heart feel like it was going to jump out of her chest.

"A few days ago I got a call from a young couple who live in up state New York. They are still in High School and as hard of a decision as it is…they've decided that they can't provide the life their baby deserves." Lydia started to say.

Olivia looked over at Elliot who looked just as shocked and excited as she did. "And…" He whispered urging her on as their friends and family watched and listened patiently.

"She is due any day now and they were nervous it was to late to put the baby up for adoption. But they wanted to see if I had any couples that would be willing to jump into the process quickly. You two are the ones I thought of first…" She sad smiling at them both.

Olivia grabbed Elliot's arm feeling like this day couldn't get any better. "You're…you're serious?"

Elliot felt his eyes burning with tears and he swallowed the lump in her throat. "Are you saying we're getting a baby?"

"I'm saying that if this is something you still want to do and you aren't afraid to only have a few days before he or she is born…then yes you are getting a baby." She said honestly.

Elliot turned to Olivia who looked like she was going to pass out from happiness, he put his arm around her waist and smiled at her. "I'm ready if you're ready Liv…"

She closed her eyes for a moment and realized that she was getting everything she had ever wanted all in the same day. "Is this really happening?"

Elliot laughed and kissed the top of her head. "Yes baby. Yes it is…"

She licked her lips and turned to look at him. "Elliot…I'm going to be a mother!"

He laughed happily and nodded. "Yes. Yes you are."

Olivia kissed him quickly and then turned back to Lydia. "Yes! Yes this is what we want!"

Lydia smiled and took some paperwork out of her bag. "Well then I guess we have something's to discuss…"

The room once again erupted in applause and cheers and the emotion was almost too much to take. Olivia turned back to Elliot and launched herself into his arms knowing that she had never been this happy in her life.

"I can't believe this…" She said as he held her tightly.

He laughed and put her down on her feet again. "I didn't think that today could get any better…"

"I can't believe this…" She said jumping up and down in front of him. "I think I'm going to have a heart attack."

Elliot laughed and cupped her face in his. "Please don't…that would put a damper on this perfect day."

She laughed and leaned up to kiss him again. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

He caressed her face with his hand and smiled. "I love you too…"

Cragen interrupted their moment by tapping his champagne glass. "Excuse me…I'd like to make a little toast to these two amazing people we are here to celebrate today."

Everyone turned towards Cragen and Elliot wrapped his arm around Olivia's shoulder to listen to what their boss had to say. Everyone settled down and turned their full attention to Cragen and waited patiently.

"Well…when I first decided to partner Olivia and Elliot…I can honestly say I was a little nervous about how it was going to turn out." Everyone laughed and Elliot rubbed Olivia's back. "I was a little nervous that Olivia would be the one thing that finally broke Elliot down. As many of you know he's a very dedicated and talented detective but he can tend to be a bit stubborn…"

"Understatement of the year…" Munch yelled across the room and everyone laughed.

Elliot reached for a pen on his desk and chucked it at Munch making everyone laugh harder. "And when I introduced them for the first time I didn't think anything would change much about them. But the moment their eyes met…I could see a spark. Like Elliot said earlier…they've been through a lot…and us here at the precinct have watched it all unfold. The good…the bad…all of it. But the thing is they have overcome it all…and they've proven that love can actually withstand anything and everything." Cragen said smiling.

Olivia looked over at Elliot and kissed the side of his face. He pulled her closer to him and leaned his chin against her forehead as Cragen continued to speak.

"I was overjoyed when Elliot told me that he was planning on proposing. This past year has been the most difficult time for the both of them and for all of us to watch. I am so incredibly proud of them for how strong they've been through all of this and I feel a bit like a proud father standing here watching them not only get engaged but find out they are going to be adding to their already beautiful family." He turned towards Elliot's five kids and smiled and then turned back to them. "So…if we could all raise our glasses and toast these two amazing people…to Elliot and Olivia…I've enjoyed watching your relationship grow the past thirteen years and I can't wait to see how much better it will become in the years to come. Congratulations to you both…"

Everyone raised their glasses and cheered the happy couple. Fin turned on the stereo to begin the celebration and Elliot pulled Olivia to the side and smiled at her.

"How are you feeling?" He asked putting his hands on her waist.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Honestly? A bit overwhelmed at the moment…"

"In a bad way?" Elliot asked softly.

She shook her head. "No. Definitely not in a bad way. It's just a lot to process…I can't believe everything I've ever wanted is happening."

He smiled and leaned down to kiss her. "Making you happy is all I care about Liv."

She smiled as he pulled away from her. "So you definitely want to go through with this then? The adoption I mean? It means in just a few days we're gonna have a baby to take care of…"

Elliot smiled and caressed her face gently. "Of course I'm sure. It's going to be a lot of work but it's nothing we can't handle."

"I just…I can't wait to hold him or her in my arms. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl or what they look like. I just want to be a mother…" She said with tears in her eyes.

"And now you will be…" He said softly. "And you're also going to be my wife…"

Her smile grew wider and she leaned up on her tiptoes to kiss him again. He wrapped his arms around her waist and then started to sway her to the music. She laughed as he twirled her around and pulled her towards the rest of their friends and family to celebrate.

Elliot had every hope of being able to call Olivia his fiancé by the end of the day. And now…he had not only that but they were about to start their family. He loved his five beautiful children more than anything in world and he couldn't wait to be a father again. Especially since it meant raising the baby with Olivia…

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><p><strong>Well what did you think? I hope you liked it. :) Let me know by sending in a review! The update will be posted in a day or two! :) <strong> 


	26. Chapter 26

**Hey guys...once again thanks for being so patient wiht me! Taking things day by day with my family as my first priority. But I finally finished this chapter and I hope you like it :) Let me know after and review! **

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><p>Two days later, Olivia was still floating around in a daze thinking of all the amazing things that were about to happen to her. She never thought she would be the type of woman who wound become so infatuated with a diamond ring. However she kept finding herself staring at her engagement ring in awe of it. It wasn't the fact that it was shiny and big that was so intriguing to her, it was what it symbolized.<p>

She had given up on thinking she would ever have the chance to get married many years ago. And now her life was changing in ways she had never expected it to. What made it even more amazing was the fact that a few months ago she thought she wouldn't make it through another year.

She was currently sitting in what used to be just the spare bedroom in her apartment. She had always had a bed in there and a small dresser just in case anyone stayed over but she rarely went into the room at all. And now…she was going to be setting it up as a nursery.

They had met with the couple the day before and it went very well. Olivia knew that it was not an easy decision to decide to give up your baby but it seemed like the couple was quite confident with their decision.

* * *

><p><em>Olivia was practically shaking as Elliot stood beside her waiting to meet the couple. Lydia had asked them to come down to her office so it could be a neutral place for them to all meet.<em>

_"You okay?" Elliot asked rubbing her shoulders gently._

_Olivia smiled nervously at him. "Yeah. I'm okay…I just want them to like us."_

_Elliot smiled and kissed the side of her head. "Well I'm not worried about them not liking you…it's impossible to not like you."_

_She rolled her eyes and nudged him gently. "Elliot…I'm being serious."_

_He winked at her. "So am I."_

_She sighed and closed her eyes. "I can't imagine making this decision though…especially at that age."_

_Elliot nodded. "I know. It can't be easy but it's very brave of them to admit they aren't ready for this yet."_

_Olivia nodded agreeing with him. "You're right."_

_There was a knock on the door and Elliot and Olivia stood up to greet Lydia and the young couple. "Elliot, Olivia I'd like you to meet Haley and Michael…"_

_Elliot reached a hand out to shake Michael's hand. "It's really great to meet you both." He said to them._

_Michael shook his hand back and then lead Haley to a seat in the room. "It's really great to meet you guys as well."_

_Haley took a second to get comfortable, it was clear that she was ready to pop at any moment and was also very nervous. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with us on such short notice." Haley said._

_Lydia sat down between them and smiled. "Okay. So this meeting is pretty much for Michael and Haley to ask any questions they regarding the two of you. It can be as short or as long as you chose…I'm here to mediate and answer any legal questions either of you have. Keep in mind that this is an emotional topic for all of you…"_

_Olivia nodded slowly and then turned to Elliot, she felt like she had lost the ability to speak and wasn't sure what to say. He smiled at her and then turned to Michael and Haley wanting them to make the first move since this was ultimately their decision to make._

_Haley took a deep breath and smiled. "Lydia said that you have five children Elliot?"_

_Elliot nodded slowly and smiled. "Yes. I was married before and we had five kids, three girls and two boys. My ex-wife and I are still very good friends and are committed to co-parenting together."_

_Haley smiled. "And you two have worked together for thirteen years?"_

_Olivia nodded. "Yes. We worked as partners at the Special Victims Unit in Manhattan."_

_"That must be a very difficult job…" Michael said slowly._

_"It's challenging…but it's something we are both committed too. It feels good to get justice for the victims out there." Elliot said._

_Michael nodded. "That's good. Is it hard to make time for your kids though?"_

_"It can be challenging…" Elliot said slowly. "But we make it work, my family is more important to me than anything else. And I know Olivia feels the same way. She's been in my kids lives for so many years and is like a second mother to them. They adore her…she is amazing with children and I know she will be an amazing mother too."_

_Olivia felt her cheeks blush and she squeezed Elliot's hand feeling thankful for him in this moment. Haley took a deep breath and put her hands on her belly, unable to meet their eyes._

_"When I found out that I was pregnant…I was terrified. And I still am. I wish I could say that I would be able to keep this baby and that Michael and I could raise him or her…but we aren't' ready. I haven't graduated High School yet and we don't have any money. When my parents found out I was pregnant they kicked me out and I've been living at my Michael's house ever since." She said biting her lip and finally looking up, she looked directly at Olivia and smiled._

_"My parents never thought I was good enough growing up. I was always to fat, to thin, not smart enough, not motivated enough…there was always something wrong. All I've ever wanted was for someone to love me and tell me that I was good enough." Haley said letting a tear escape her eye._

_Elliot squeezed Olivia's hand; neither of them wanted to interrupt Haley and knew that it was important for her to get all her emotions out. This had to be the hardest thing she had ever done and needed to let them know how she really felt._

_"I want this baby to be loved more than I was…I want this baby to have a home and two parents who will support him or her no matter what they decide to do with their life." Haley said looking between Elliot and Olivia. "What I want to know is if there is anything that this baby could do that would ever make you not love this child."_

_Olivia felt the lump in her throat and she shook her head adamantly. "Haley…all I've ever wanted was to be a mother. I've been alone most of my life…or I was until I met Elliot. My Mother and I had our issues…and my father wasn't in my life. I know what it feels like to want to be loved…nothing that this child ever does or will do could ever make me not love him or her. Nothing."_

_Haley took a shaky breath and smiled softly. "When I first got pregnant we met with a few couples just to see if adoption was the right choice. But I didn't feel comfortable around any of the couples we met. I know the two of you aren't married…Lydia said you recently got engaged. Congratulations by the way. But I don't think you have to be married to be good parents…and I can tell that you are both very connected."_

_Elliot smiled at Olivia and then looked back at Haley and Michael. "We have been through a lot together. We make a good team…and we are so dedicated to making this family work. Olivia makes me so incredibly happy and I know that raising a baby together will be the greatest adventure we have ever gone through together."_

_Haley had tears in her eyes and she looked at Michael. "I want them to be this baby's parents…"_

_Michael swallowed hard; he had tears in his own eyes. "Me too…"_

_Haley took another deep breath and turned back to Olivia and Elliot. "I'm terrified about giving birth…and I know it's going to be incredibly hard to hand this baby over to you. But I know that they will be in good hands…"_

_Olivia felt her heart begin to race in her chest and she smiled at Haley. "You're sure? I want you to be comfortable with this decision…I want you to follow your heart."_

_Haley nodded. "I am sure. I wasn't sure what to think when I first walked in here…I was afraid I'd change my mind again. But I know that this baby deserves the best life and he or she will have the best life with the two of you."_

_Elliot took a deep breath and squeezed Olivia's hands again. "You don't know how much this means to us…"_

_Haley smiled at them and turned directly towards Olivia. "Lydia said you recently battled breast cancer…"_

_Olivia nodded. "Yes. I did. I just finished my treatments and as of right now currently cancer free."_

_Haley smiled. "Congratulations. You clearly have a lot to be grateful for these days…"_

_Olivia smiled at her. "Yes. I really do."_

_"Michael and I have decided that after the baby is born we don't want any contact with you guys. I would love to watch and see how the baby grows up…but I think that would be too difficult." She said softly._

_"We know that someday we'll be parents…and we'll always wonder about this child but this isn't our time. But if he or she should ever want to know who we are in their future we wouldn't be opposed to meeting with them. We want them to make that decision on their own." Michael said squeezing Haley's hand._

_"That's fair. We will be honest with them about their adoption and will completely support their decision to meet you in the future if that's what they want." Elliot said._

_Haley swallowed hard and looked over at Michael. "I hate to cut this visit short…but I'm getting quite hungry with the cravings and all. I feel confident that we are making the right choice…but it's also very difficult to talk about this."_

_"We understand…" Olivia whispered._

_Michael stood up and reached a hand out to Haley to help her up. "Come on…"_

_Haley let Michael pull her up and Olivia stood up too. "It was wonderful to meet you both." She said._

_"Thank you for meeting with us…" Olivia said softly._

_Michael turned to Lydia. "Is there anything else we need to discuss?"_

_Lydia shook her head. "The papers are all drawn up and will be filled out when the baby is born. Do you want them at the hospital when you go into delivery?"_

_Haley nodded slowly. "Not in the room…but yes."_

_Olivia nodded. "We will be there."_

_Haley smiled and nodded. "Alright. Well…I guess that's it then."_

_They all smiled at one another and Elliot shook Michael's hand again. Then they walked out of the room leaving Olivia and Elliot alone in the room again. When Lydia escorted them out, Olivia turned to Elliot with a huge smile on her face._

_"It's really happening…" She whispered._

_He caressed her face gently and nodded. "Yes. It is."_

_She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him passionately, she had never been as happy as she was in this moment._

* * *

><p>Everything was happening so fast, and there were a few moments when Olivia was worried they wouldn't be ready for the baby but she knew that if she had Elliot by her side they had nothing to worry about. She was currently sitting in the rocking chair that Bernie had brought over to the apartment for them and Elliot was picking up Eli's old crib from Kathy's house.<p>

They still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl because the couple had planned on being surprised. It didn't' really matter to them what it was though, they were just so thankful to be getting a baby at all.

Olivia heard the door open and jumped up from the rocking chair to walk out to the living room. She smiled when she saw Elliot walking in with different pieces of the crib; Dickie was right behind him carrying the rest of the pieces.

"Hey guys!" She said as they walked further into the apartment and then into the bedroom.

"Hey Liv." Dickie said following his Dad to the bedroom. "I told Dad I'd help him set this all up, there's some other stuff in the car Mom wanted you to have too."

"Really?" Olivia said walking into the room with them. 'She didn't have to do that…"

"Well Eli doesn't need the changing table and all that stuff. There are some toys too that she thought would be good for the baby." Dickie said smiling. "This is all happening so fast anyway it will be good to have things ready for the little tyke."

Olivia smiled and leaned against the doorway. "I talked to Lydia. She said the due date is tomorrow so we could be expecting a call anytime now…"

Elliot smiled and stood up to walk over to her. "How are you feeling?"

Olivia smiled. "Nervous but very excited…"

"You know Eli seems very confident that it's a boy." Dickie said placing his pieces of the crib against the wall.

"Is that so?" Elliot asked wrapping an arm around Olivia's shoulders.

Dickie nodded. "Yup. Says he can feel it…and I sure as hell hope he is right. I don't know if I can handle having another sister…"

Olivia laughed and Elliot rolled his eyes. "Nice Dickie…"

"I'm just saying…" Dickie said shrugging and laughing. "Having another brother would be nice. I'm gonna run downstairs and get the rest of the stuff and then I'll help you set up the crib Dad."

Olivia continued to laugh and Elliot just shook his head smiling after his oldest son. When he was out of the room he turned towards the crib and started to find the pieces to put together.

"You know I've been thinking…" Elliot said as he knelt down on the ground and reached for his tools.

"About what?" She asked sitting down on the rocking chair again.

"Well obviously the baby will be here in a day or two so we'll be bringing him or her home here. And that's fine…but I think we should start looking at houses." He said unable to keep the smile form forming on his face.

Olivia swallowed hard and leaned back in the rocking chair. "Really?"

Elliot smiled and turned towards her. "Sure. I mean I know this has been your home for a long time…but if we get a house there will be more room for the baby and us. And it will have rooms for the rest of the kids to stay in during my days with them. Kathy and I have been talking about custody and we obviously want to parent together and we just need to figure out how we split the kids time up. We want to do what's best for them." He said.

Olivia smiled at them. "I want them to feel at home with us too…so if you are serious about this then I think it's the perfect idea."

Elliot smiled and stood up to walk over to her, he leaned down and kissed her gently. "I love you."

She smiled up at him. "I love you too."

"Not in the baby's room! Geez!" Dickie said rolling his eyes and laughing.

Olivia laughed. "Sorry bud."

"So did Liv agree to the new house idea? Cuz I'm not cool with sleeping on the floor in this apartment." Dickie said placing the box he was carrying on the ground.

"Yes she agreed." Elliot said laughing. "Now shut your trap and help me put this crib together."

"I get the biggest room in the house, right?" Dickie said smiling at Olivia.

"We need to find a house first…and then we can discuss whose room is whose." Olivia said smiling at her soon to be stepson, just then there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it."

She walked into the hallway and over to the door and smiled when she saw who was on the other side. "We thought you guys could use some help setting up the baby's room." Maureen said.

Olivia smiled and stepped aside so she could walk in with Lizzie and Kathleen. "Girls…I'm so happy to see you!"

They all hugged and Kathleen held out a bag. "We went to the store and got some toys and things for the baby."

"You girls are so sweet." She said as they started to walk towards the baby's room. "Look who came to help out."

Elliot smiled and stood up to greet his daughters. "Hey girls."

"Oh man…thought I could get away from you three for the day." Dickie said rolling his eyes.

Elliot slapped his son over the back of the head and glared at him. "Be nice to your sisters Elliot."

Lizzie glared at her twin brother. "I seriously hope that this baby is a girl so you can continue to be outnumbered."

Dickie rolled his eyes again and went back to working on the crib. "Where's Eli?" He asked his sisters.

"He had soccer this afternoon so Mom took him." Kathleen said going through some of the boxes that Dickie had brought up. "Hey wasn't this my duckie?"

Elliot smiled. "It was. You slept with it every night until you were twelve."

"Isn't that a little old to sleep with a stuffed animal?" Dickie said laughing.

Kathleen looked at her brother and smirked. "Excuse me…but I'm pretty sure you slept with Greeny until you were in High School!"

Everyone started to laugh and Dickie looked like he was going to kill her. "Who is Greeny?" Olivia asked as she continued to laugh.

"First of all his name was Mr. Greeny…" Dickie said pointing at his sister angrily. "And second of all…I stopped in the eighth grade so that's before High School thank you very much!"

Kathleen rolled her eyes and laughed. "I'm sorry…Mr. Greeny was the big stuffed frog that Dickie made my Mom buy him when we were at the toy store one day."

"Yup. Mr. Greeny and Dickie were inseparable…and the worst part about it was that he never met Mom clean it." Lizzie said cringing.

"Oh God the smell alone could clear a room…" Maureen said laughing.

"Remember the time Dad finally got it away from him while he was asleep and Mom put it in the wash?" Kathleen said laughing harder.

"Oh my God! He freaked out!" Lizzie said throwing her head back and laughing. "I remember waking up to him screaming because he thought someone broke in and stole him!"

"Yes…like they'd come into the house and leave everything else except for a disgusting stuffed frog…" Maureen said smirking.

Elliot laughed and shook his head. "It took me practically twenty minutes to get that thing out of his arms. He kept gripping it tighter and tighter whenever I'd pull it out of his grasp just a little bit. It was ridiculous…"

"Hey! Any kid would be upset about thinking they lost their best friend." Dickie said angrily.

"It's not like you were five when it happened Dickie…you were thirteen." Lizzie said laughing.

"Oh that's right…after he found out that Mom washed it he said it wasn't the same anymore so we had to give it away." Elliot said chuckling harder.

"You know what…I hate you guys." Dickie said pushing past his sisters and father and into the living room.

"Oh don't be so sensitive Dickie!" Kathleen said laughing as she followed her brother out of the room. "We haven't even started talking about your favorite footie pajamas!"

Everyone in the room continued to laugh as Lizzie and Maureen went over to the box Kathleen had been looking at. They started to go through it with Kathleen as Elliot continued to put the crib together.

"So have you guys been thinking about names?" Lizzie asked as she rummaged through the old toys.

"We haven't really had time…" Olivia said laughing as she leaned against the wall.

"Well I'm sure it will come to you when you see him." Maureen said smiling at Olivia.

"I hope so." Olivia said smiling.

Elliot smiled and as he set up one end of the crib. "Kathy and I didn't have any of the names picked out except for Dickie. Once you see them…the name kid of just falls into place."

"Dickie said you were thinking of moving into a house." Maureen said sitting down in the rocking chair.

"I actually just brought it up to Olivia. She agreed…so we'll start looking soon. But we'll bring the baby home here first before we make the move." He said as he attached the next side.

"That's a good idea. There will be more room for everyone." Lizzie said smiling at her Dad.

"Don't worry honey, I won't make you share a room with Dickie in the new house." He said laughing at her.

"You read my mind." Lizzie said smiling as she knelt down on the floor beside her sister.

The phone rang and Olivia pushed herself away form the wall. "I'll get it."

She left the room and Elliot turned back to his two girls. "So…you girls excited for the wedding and everything? It's a lot of changes to handle all at once…"

Maureen sighed. "It is. But we couldn't be happier Dad…you know we love Olivia. And were excited to add a new member to the family…the more the merrier right?"

"What are you guys talking about?" Kathleen asked as she walked back into the room with Dickie at her side.

"Just the baby and Dad and Olivia getting married." Lizzie said. "Dad wasn't to know if we're excited. Which of course means he's worried we are unhappy about it all…"

Dickie rolled his eyes and clapped his Dad on the back. "For crying out loud Pops…it's not like we didn't see this one coming. You and Olivia have had the hots for each other since uh…well since forever really."

Eliot nudged him and rolled his eyes. "Can you not talk like that about my finance and you're soon to be stepmother please?"

"What…you know it's true." Dickie said sitting down on the floor beside Lizzie.

Elliot laughed and shook his head. "I'm not denying the fact that I've been attracted to her for a very long time…you just don't have to be so blunt about it."

"Whatever…we aren't kids anymore Dad." Dickie said rolling his eyes the same way his father always did.

Elliot sighed and stopped what he was doing; he sat down on the floor and rested his arms on top of his knees. "Yeah I know you aren't kids anymore…it doesn't mean I don't worry about you all though."

Maureen stared at her father for a moment and considered what he was really talking about. "Dad…what's really on your mind?"

Elliot sighed and looked down at the floor between his feet. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though I'm marrying Olivia and we're adopting a baby…it doesn't mean I'm leaving you guys or anything."

"Dad…of course we don't think that. Where did that come from?" Lizzie asked him.

He smiled at his youngest daughter. "Well after I left you guys…I know I lost some of your trust. And I just want you to know that I love you guys more than anything…and we're just adding two people to the family. I'm not gonna just drop you and move to this new family…"

"We know Dad." Kathleen said smiling at him. "It's okay…we forgave you. I thought you knew that. "

He shrugged. "You guys may have forgiven me…but I'm still working on forgiving myself for leaving you like that."

"Well you should…really work on that." Dickie said shaking his head. "It's just gonna drive you insane. And there's no use in talking about the past…lets just move on."

"Easier said than done my friend…" Elliot said smirking.

"Look Dad…you are about to start this new amazing chapter of your life with Olivia. If you are dwelling on everything that happened…you won't be able to fully commit yourself to your relationship and the baby. That's really what you need to do…we're behind you a hundred percent." Maureen said smiling.

"That means everything to me guys…" He smiled at them. "I'm really excited about everything…and with the new house there will be room for all of us. So just remember we're still a family…we're just having a few changes."

"And they are changes we are excited for." Lizzie said smiling at her Dad.

"Well good…that means the world to me." Elliot said smiling.

Just then Olivia walked into the room with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes. "Liv? What's going on?" Maureen asked.

Elliot turned towards Olivia and she looked straight at him. "That was Lydia…Haley went into labor."

Everyone was silent as Elliot practically jumped up from the floor. "What? She did?"

She laughed and nodded as she walked further into the room. "Yes. Michael called Lydia and said they were on the way to the hospital. She wants us to meet her there."

Elliot smiled and walked to her pulling her in for a hug. "This is really happening…"

The kids watched from behind them unable to keep from smiling. "Yes it is…" She said wrapping her arms around his neck. "We're getting our baby."

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's go get the new baby Stabler!" Dickie said clapping his hands together.

Everyone jumped up and started to cheer as they ran around the room getting everything ready to go to the Hospital. Olivia felt her heart pounding in her chest as she realized what was just about to happen.

Elliot could see she was feeling overwhelmed, he pulled her to his side as he put on his coat. "You okay?"

"We can do this right?" She asked looking at him quickly.

He smiled and kissed the top of her head. "Liv…of course we can do this. After everything we've been through together…this will be a piece of cake."

She licked her lips and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you so much Elliot."

He smiled and rubbed her back before kissing her head again. "I love you too Liv. Now let's go get our baby…"

She smiled and pulled away and kissed him gently. "Okay…let's go get our baby."

He winked at her and then opened the door to the apartment and let everyone file out into the hallway. This was a big day…it was everything he had ever wanted and more. Life was about to change in the best way possible…

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><p><strong>Well I hope you guys liked it :) Only a few chapters left as you know. I'll try and update soon! <strong> 


	27. Chapter 27

**Hey guys! I'm SOOOOO sorry that it has taken me so long to update. Between dealing with my Dad being sick and trying to focus on school I haven't had much time to myself. But as I promised, here is the next chapter! I hope you like it and that it was worth the wait. Just so you know...there is only one chapter left but don't fret! I have another story in the works as well so keep an eye out for that. I will try and update as soon as I can. Things have calmed down a bit for me so I should be able to write more often. Let me know what you think of the chapter and once again thanks for all the support and prayers for my family during this time :) You guys are amazing! **

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><p>Elliot, Olivia and the kids rushed to the hospital as quickly as they could. Once they got there, they agreed it would be best to have the kids wait in the waiting room so they wouldn't overwhelm Haley and Michael. Elliot led Olivia to the front desk and they were directed to Haley's floor and room number so they could let her know they were there.<p>

When they got to the fourth floor, they saw Lydia who smiled at them and waved them over. "Hey you two."

Olivia put a hand on her racing heart. "How is Haley doing? Does she need anything?"

Lydia smiled reassuringly at her. "She's doing great. I just talked to Michael…he's in there with here. He said she has dilated about four centimeters now and everything seems to be moving along just right."

Olivia nodded and smiled at Elliot. "Good. That's good."

Lydia smiled again and put a hand on Olivia's arm. "Everything is going to be just fine Olivia. You have nothing to worry about."

She nodded and leaned into Elliot who rubbed her arm. "I know." She whispered. "I'm just so excited."

Elliot smiled and kissed the top of her head. "We'll just wait out here. Unless they ask for us…let us know if we can do anything."

Lydia nodded. "Of course."

Olivia and Elliot walked over to the small waiting room on that floor and sat together. Olivia looked around and watched the doctors and nurses moving around doing their jobs. All she could think about was all the babies that were being born at this very moment and that in just a few hours one of these babies would be hers.

Elliot smiled at her; he could tell she was trying not to cry from happiness. "Liv?" He asked as he placed a gentle hand on her back. "You okay?"

She turned towards him and smiled. "Yeah. I'm good. Just…overwhelmed I think."

He leaned over and kissed the side of her face. "Everything is going to be fine."

She nodded. "I know."

He leaned back in his chair and chuckled softly. "God…you should have seen me when Kathy went into labor for the first time with Maureen. I was an absolute mess."

"Oh yeah?" She said smiling and pulling her legs up on her chair. "What did you do?"

"Well it was the middle of the night…and I had just gotten home from work about an hour earlier. I was absolutely exhausted…and all of a sudden she jumped out of bed and slapped me during a contraction." He said chuckling.

Olivia smirked. "I'm sure you took that well."

"I nearly had a heart attack." He said shaking his head and looking over at her. "She was freaking out and I practically fell out of bed trying to get her bag. I almost got us in an accident on the way to the hospital and when's he finally got into the delivery room to start pushing I fainted…"

She laughed and put her hand on his arm. "You didn't…"

He groaned. "Oh I did…I really did. Hit my head and split it open…had to get three stitches while she was in labor. I thought she was going to kill me."

She rolled her eyes. "I would have killed you…"

He smiled. "I know you would have. But I did make it back just in time to see Maureen being born. It was amazing…"

"Not as scary as you thought it would be?" She asked.

Elliot laughed gently. "Oh hell no! It was the single most terrifying moment in my life…but amazing all the same."

"Well you turned out to be one hell of a father Elliot…" She whispered to him.

He smiled softly and squeezed her knee gently. "I've tried my best. And I know I made a lot of mistakes but I love those damn kids more than anything."

She reached her hand up and caressed the back of his neck gently. "I know you do Elliot. And they know that too…all parents make mistakes. We'll make mistakes with this baby but it will be okay."

"Yes it will." He said leaning over to kiss her cheek gently.

She smiled and was about to say something when her phone began to ring in her pocket. "Hold on…" She smiled when she saw Casey's name on the front and flipped it open. "Hey Casey."

_"Hey! I just tried calling your apartment but there was no answer. Are you guys out or something?" She asked on the other end of the phone._

"Actually no. Haley went into labor so we are at the hospital right now." She said unable to keep the smile off of her face.

_"Oh my God! Are you serious?" Casey asked excitedly._

Olivia laughed. "Yes. I am serious."

_"This is so exciting!" She said happily. "How is she doing? Is there anything I can do for you guys? Do you need anything?"_

"No. No I think we're okay. I will call you when the baby is born though, okay?" She asked.

_"You better! I can't wait to meet him or her. I'm so excited for you. Good luck!" Casey said before hanging up._

Olivia turned back to Elliot and smiled. "How long do you think it will be before she calls everyone and tells them the baby is being born?" He asked her with a smirk.

She laughed. "I'd say she is going through her contact list at this very moment."

He nodded. "Sounds about right."

"You should call your Mom." Olivia said squeezing his hand gently. "She'll want to know what's going on."

Elliot nodded. "Yeah. You're right. I'll go check on the kids and give her a call. Will you be alright here for awhile?"

Olivia smiled and nodded. "Of course. I'll call you if anything changes."

Elliot smiled and leaned down to kiss her lips gently. "Okay. Be back soon."

Olivia smiled and watched him walk away; she took a deep breath and tried to stop the pounding in her chest. As excited as she was for the baby, she was nervous too. No matter how many people reassured her, she was afraid she wouldn't be a good mother because of the relationship she had with her own Mother.

She had to laugh to herself when she realized the prospect of being a Mom was almost scarier then fighting cancer. Sometimes she thought her emotions and ideas were all sorts of twisted.

After a few moments of nervous fidgeting, she turned to the left and noticed someone familiar walking towards her. She smiled and stood up surprised to see Dr. Amy Cooper.

"Amy? What are you doing here?" She asked as they came face to face finally.

"One of my best friends works up in this wing. I told her to keep me updated if Haley went into labor so I could come congratulate you." Amy said smiling at her.

Olivia smiled and leaned into hug her Doctor. "You are so sweet. Thank you Amy."

Amy smiled when she pulled back. "You are one of the patients I have become very close too. I'm happy to see you moving on with your life, happy and healthy! How are you feeling?"

"Do you mean physically? Or emotionally based on the fact that I'm going to be a mother soon?" She asked with a weak smile.

"Both?" Amy said laughing slightly.

Olivia smiled again. "As far as physically…I feel stronger each day. Still have good days and bad days of course. But as far as the whole about to be a Mom thing…I'm excited but terrified."

Amy smiled at her and squeezed her arm encouragingly. "Olivia…if you can handle cancer treatments…you can handle being a Mother. You are one of the strongest women I have come across in my career. I'm very confident that you are going to be an amazing Mom."

Olivia let out a shaky breath. "I hope so! This is all I have ever wanted and with everything that has happened this past year it seems all the more amazing that it's happening. I'm just afraid to make any mistakes."

Amy shrugged. "All parents make mistakes Olivia. But you have Elliot…you two can figure it all out together."

Olivia smiled. "You're right. Like always…" She laughed and shook her head. "Look at you…even though I'm cancer free you are still taking care of me."

Amy laughed. "It's hard to not become attached to my patients. I'm sure you feel the same way about all your victims. Right?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Right."

"Even though we won't be seeing each other as much anymore…I'm always here as a friend Olivia." Amy said shrugging. "Remember that okay?"

Olivia smiled. "That means a lot Amy. And I'm here for you too. You saved me life…anything you need just ask."

Amy smiled. "You did all the hard work…I just led you in the right direction."

Elliot came walking down the hallway and smiled when he saw Olivia talking to Amy. "Dr. Cooper?"

Olivia and Amy turned towards Elliot and smiled. "Well hello Elliot! I was just coming over to congratulate you two on the new bundle of joy!"

"Thank you Amy." He said walking over to them. "That was very sweet of you."

The sound of Amy's beeper rang through the hallway as she reached for it. "Looks like I should get back to my other patients. I'll come by later and see how everything is going! Good luck!" She said leaning into hug Olivia again.

"Thank you Amy." She said as she hugged her back before Amy left.

Elliot turned towards Olivia when Amy was gone. "Well that was nice of her."

Olivia smiled. "I know." She reached for his hand. "Did you talk to your Mom?"

Elliot nodded. "She's on her way here as we speak. She's gonna stay with the kids in the lobby until we come get her."

Olivia nodded. "Good. I'm glad."

He squeezed her hand gently. "How are you feeling? Still nervous?"

She sighed gently. "A little. But I'm okay."

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her forehead gently. "Everything is going to be fine Liv. Don't worry."

"Uh…Olivia? Elliot?" A nervous voice called from nearby.

They both turned towards the voice to see Michael standing there nervously. "Michael…hi. Is everything alright?" Elliot asked.

Michael nodded slowly. "Yeah. Haley and the baby are fine…she uh…she's just a little nervous about the whole labor process." He looked down sadly. "I think she wishes her Mom was here but she disowned her when she got pregnant."

"Did you try and call her?" Elliot asked.

Michael looked back up and smiled. "Yeah. I called her when we got to the hospital but she hung up on me." He sniffled sadly. "I know we said that we didn't want you guys in the delivery room but Haley changed her mind. She said she needs some more support to get through this and you're the only people we know here. Do you think it would be okay if you came in to sit with her? I don't know what else to say to comfort her…"

Elliot turned towards Olivia. "Liv?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Of course. If that's what she wants we will come in with you."

Michael nodded slowly and smiled. "Thanks."

He turned and led them back to Haley's room. When they walked in, Olivia felt her heart pounding even harder in her chest when she saw Haley lying on the bed.

The young teenage girl smiled up at Olivia and Elliot nervously and whispered. "Hey…"

Olivia and Elliot stood a safe distance from the bed. "Hey Haley…"

"If this is too weird for you guys it's okay…I'm just kind of really scared right now. I thought it would help to have you here." Haley said sadly.

Olivia smiled. "It's okay…anything you need we're here for you."

Haley smiled and opened her mouth to say something when another contraction started to hit. "Oh no…" She sat up slowly and grimaced. "Ow. Ow! God this hurts so bad!"

Olivia tentatively took a step towards her; Elliot watched her move towards Haley out of the corner of his eye nervously. "It's okay…take some deep breaths."

Haley cried out again and lifted her hand to reach for Olivia. "I hate this."

Olivia reached for her hand nervously and let her squeeze has hard as she needed to. "I know…"

As the contraction started to slow she relaxed again against her pillow and sighed softly. She licked her lips and turned towards Olivia, tears in her eyes and a small smile on her face. "I'm really glad you're here…"

Olivia smiled encouragingly at her. "Nowhere else I'd rather be…"

Haley smiled and Olivia pulled a chair up beside the bed so that she could stay by Haley's side. She knew that this wasn't easy for Haley…and even though she would be giving over her baby to Olivia she also needed as much support as she could get. Elliot smiled from behind her and noticed Michael relax slightly beside him knowing that everything was going to alright now.

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><p>Three hours later, Olivia was still sitting beside Haley as they continued to wait for the baby to be born. Elliot was outside in the hallway with Michael helping him fill out paperwork with Lydia, which left the two women alone.<p>

Olivia smiled at Haley as she turned towards her. "Can I get you anything? More ice chips maybe?"

Haley shook her head. "No. I'm alright. Thanks though."

Olivia smiled at her and fidgeted in her seat. "Of course. Just let me know if you change your mind."

Haley sighed softly before speaking. "Can I ask you something?"

Olivia stared at her for a moment before nodding. "Of course. What's on your mind?"

"When we met you said you weren't very close with your Mom." She waited a moment before continuing. "Why is that?"

Olivia felt her heart skip a beat and she cleared her throat. "Um…it's kind of complicated."

Haley smiled at her. "It doesn't seem like this baby is in a hurry to make an appearance. So I think I have time…that is if you don't mind telling me."

Olivia laughed softly. "Okay. Well uh…see my Mom she was…she was raped when she was younger."

Haley's eyes widened in shock and she spoke without thinking. "She got pregnant and had you?"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yes. As you can imagine…it didn't make her all that excited to have me."

Haley swallowed hard. "That must have been hard for you to deal with."

Olivia shrugged. "It wasn't easy. But I don't blame my Mom for how she treated me. I don't know if I could have spent everyday with a giant reminder of my rape."

Haley sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "My Mom and I were always close…that's why it hurts so much that she isn't here right now. I know she is disappointed in me…I know I am too young to be a mother. That's why I'm giving this baby up…but I still need her."

Olivia reached for her hand. "Give her some time…I bet she'll come around."

"Did your Mom come around?" Haley asked curiously.

Olivia smiled sadly. "Sometimes she was there for me…she did her best."

"And now?" Haley asked pushing her further.

Olivia looked down. "She's been gone for a long time…she turned to drinking to cope with her pain and it was her downfall in the end."

"I'm sorry…" Haley whispered softly.

Olivia looked back up at Haley. "Thank you." She squeezed Haley's hand again. "You are extremely brave to be doing what you are doing…you have your whole life ahead of you now Haley. You can do anything you set your mind too…"

Haley began to tear up again. "I know. When I first found out I was pregnant I thought I should keep it. I thought it was the right thing…but the more I thought about it the more I realized I'm not ready to be a mother. This baby deserves the best and Michael and I can't give the best to this baby…it doesn't make it hurt any less to know I won't know my baby though…"

Olivia licked her lips. "Haley…"

"Just promise me…" She said letting the tears fall freely now. "Promise that no matter what happens that you will always love this baby. That you will always protect him or her and never disown it like my Mom did."

Olivia felt her squeeze her hand as she nodded slowly. "I promise Haley. I promise."

Haley nodded as another contraction started to build up. "Here we go again…"

Olivia smiled and stood up to help her again. "You can do this Haley…"

Haley's Doctor came in to check up on her and smiled when she saw Olivia helping her through the contractions. "Okay…lets see how far we are coming along here." Dr. Ramirez checked Haley and smiled. "Well Haley…you are officially at ten centimeters. Are you ready?"

Haley looked over at Olivia nervously and nodded. "Yeah. I'm ready."

Olivia smiled at her. "I'll go get Michael."

Haley nodded and Olivia walked out into the hallway where Elliot and Michael were walking towards her. "Hey. Is everything okay?" Michael asked.

Olivia nodded. "Yeah. She is ready to deliver the baby now. She wants you to be there too."

Michael and Elliot followed Olivia into the room and Michael stood beside Haley and took her hand encouragingly. He kissed Haley's head as she looked over at Olivia and Elliot.

"We can step outside if you want…" Elliot said not wanting to intrude.

Haley shook her head. "Don't you want to watch your baby being born?"

Olivia looked at Elliot and then back to Haley. "Are you sure Haley?"

Haley nodded. "I'm sure…"

Elliot and Olivia smiled as the nurse handed them some scrubs to put on. They left only briefly to put them on and as they were walking back to the room, Elliot grabbed onto Olivia's hand.

"You ready?" He asked with a small smile on his face.

Olivia smiled. "Yes. I am. You?"

Elliot leaned forward and kissed her gently. "Never been more ready for anything in my life."

Olivia smiled and kissed him again before they walked into the delivery room again. Haley was already pushing and Michael was still by her side helping her as much as he could. Olivia and Elliot walked to her other side and Haley reached for Olivia's hand, which she took willingly and let her squeeze as hard as she needed to.

"You are doing great Haley!" Dr. Ramirez said encouragingly. "I can already see the head!"

Michael held Haley's hand up to his mouth and kissed it gently. "You can do this baby. You're doing great."

Haley squeezed her eyes shut and pushed as hard as she possibly could. Olivia felt like her heart was going to explode; she still couldn't believe this was happening. She felt Elliot's hand on her back and she tried to focus on what was happening…the birth of their soon to be child.

"Here comes the head!" Dr. Ramirez said. "Keep going Haley. Keep breathing and pushing!"

Haley threw her head back feeling extremely tired. "I can't…I can't do it anymore."

Michael smiled down at his girlfriend and kissed her hand again. "It's almost over Hales…you can do this. Come on…a couple more big pushes."

Haley groaned and braced herself as she began to push again. Olivia felt Elliot tense beside her and knew he was just as nervous and excited as she was. She looked over at him and smiled and he kissed the side of her face gently.

The head's out! A few more big pushes! Come on Haley!" Dr. Ramirez said as the sound of a baby crying started to fill the room.

Haley squeezed Michael and Olivia's hands even harder and pushed with all of her might. As soon as the baby was all the way out, she collapsed on the bed and Michael leaned into her as she began to cry.

"Would someone like to cut the chord of your baby girl?" Dr. Ramirez asked

Olivia leaned into Elliot feeling so overjoyed to see their baby girl for the first time.

Michael was holding Haley in his arms and he swallowed hard and looked at Elliot. "You do it…you're her father."

Elliot locked eyes with Michael for a moment and realized how hard this must be for him. He nodded slowly and walked towards Dr. Ramirez who was holding the newborn baby girl and cut the umbilical chord like he had done with all of his children except for Eli.

He turned back to Olivia who had tears in her own eyes, her hand was over her mouth and her teary eyes met his. He smiled at her as the Doctors walked away to clean up the baby.

Elliot walked over to Olivia to pull her into his arms just as Haley pulled away from Michael reached for her. "Olivia?"

Olivia turned from Elliot to Haley and leaned down beside her as the nurses began to clean her up. "I'm still here…"

Haley was crying pretty hard at this point, realizing that she was about to hand over her baby girl. "Remember what you promised me…you said you'd always love and protect her. Always…no matter what."

Olivia nodded slowly with her own tears in her eyes. "I remember. And I promise Haley…you have my word."

Haley nodded through her tears as Dr. Ramirez came back over with the baby again. "Can I just hold her for a minute?"

Olivia nodded. "Of course…" She stood up and stepped back with Elliot to give Michael and Haley some space.

Dr. Ramirez put the baby in Haley's arms and Michael leaned over them. "Hey beautiful girl…" Haley whispered. "I want you to know that I love you so much. I will always love you…I have always loved you." She leaned down and rested her forehead against the baby's head. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep you…but you are going to have the best parents in the world."

Michael kissed the top of her little head. "Elliot and Olivia are going to give you everything we can't. You are so loved little girl…so loved."

Haley started to cry harder and shook her head looking at Olivia. "Here…she's your daughter now. It's to hard to hold her and know I can't keep her…"

Olivia looked at Elliot who nodded she walked over to Haley and reached her arms out. Haley kissed the babies forehead again and then handed her over to Olivia before turning to lean into Michael again.

Olivia felt her heart pounding in her chest as she held the little girl for the first time. The Doctors lead them out into the hallway to give Haley and Michael some space. When they were finally alone, Olivia looked down at her new baby girl.

"Hey sweetheart…" She said as a tear fell down her cheek. "You are so beautiful."

Elliot chocked back his own tears and reached out a shaky hand towards his new daughter. "We are so lucky…"

Olivia looked back up at Elliot as her voice cracked. "El…I…"

He smiled and leaned forward to kiss her. "I love you too." He said finishing the sentence she had wanted to say.

The nurse walked out into the hallway and smiled at them again. "We need to take her in to be weight and checked more thoroughly. Think you can part with her for a few minutes?"

Olivia laughed through her tears. "I suppose so…"

The nurse smiled and took the baby from them again just as Michael walked out into the hallway. His eyes were red and puffy but he smiled at them as he watched the nurse take away the baby.

"Michael…" Olivia started. "You don't know how much we appreciate what you two are doing for us."

Michael nodded and sniffled again. "She deserves a good life."

"How is Haley?" Elliot asked him.

Michael shrugged. "Tired. Sad…" He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "I actually came out here to ask for a favor."

"Anything…" Elliot said softly.

Michael took a small bear from behind his back and smiled. "When I found out that Haley was pregnant. I went out to buy something for her…to prove to Haley that I could be responsible enough to take care of a baby. It was hard to accept when she told me she wanted to give the baby up…but I know now that it was the right decision. No matter how much I love this baby…I am nowhere near ready to be a father. That little girl deserves better than a father who hasn't even graduated High School yet…"

"Michael…" Olivia whispered.

"Could you give this to her? Let her know that her Dad really loves her. I don't know if she will ever want to meet me but if she does I'd really like to see her. I know the two of you are going to be great parents so I'm not worried for her. But I just want her to know that I didn't give her up because I didn't love her…" He held out the teddy bear to Elliot.

Elliot smiled and took it from him. "Of course."

Michael nodded slowly and tried to smile again. "Thank you. I uh-" He looked back at Haley's hospital room. "I should get back to Haley…so…"

"Tell her we said thank you…" Olivia whispered.

Michael nodded. "I will."

He started to walk towards the door again before Elliot called out. "Someday you are going to be an amazing father Michael…when you're ready."

Michael smiled and turned back to them. "I just hope I can be as good of a father as you."

When Michael finally entered the room leaving them alone in the hallway, Olivia turned back to Elliot. "I can't imagine what they are feeling right now…"

Elliot nodded. "I know. They are really brave kids…"

Olivia nodded slowly. "Yeah they are…"

"Speaking of kids…should we go tell the rest of them that they have a new baby sister?" Elliot asked rubbing her shoulders.

Olivia wiped a few more tears from her eyes and nodded. Elliot took her hand and they walked together to the lobby where the kids and a few more friends were waiting to hear the good news. Elliot's Mother was there and she had picked up Eli who was sitting with Cragen, Fin, Munch, Casey and Melinda, which made Olivia smile.

"Well?" Kathleen asked excitedly as she walked towards her Dad and soon to be stepmother.

"It's a girl!" Elliot said, the smile growing on his face.

Everyone cheered and exchanged congratulations to the happy couple. One of the nurses walked over to them again and smiled. "We are placing your daughter in the nursery if everyone wants to come see her through the window."

They all walked together to the nursery and peered through the window. Olivia felt Elliot wrap his arm around her shoulder and kiss her head as the nurse came in and placed their baby in her bassinet.

"There she is…" Elliot said pointing through the window at his new daughter.

"She's so beautiful…" Lizzie said leaning into her older sister Maureen.

"God she's prefect you guys." Casey said laughing happily as she reached for Olivia's hand to squeeze it gently.

"She really is…" Olivia said resting her head in the crook of Elliot's neck.

"Did you guys decide on a name yet?" Dickie asked.

Elliot looked down at Olivia who was still resting against him. "What do you think Liv? Any ideas?"

Olivia sighed happily and pulled her head away from Elliot as she continued to stare at her baby girl through the window. "What about Hope?"

Everyone turned to Olivia and smiled. "Hope?" Elliot asked out loud. "I love it…" He said with a smile.

She shrugged. "I figure…we wouldn't have been able to get everything we've been through without hope. And that little girl is making all our struggles worth it. Kind of fitting don't you think?"

Elliot smiled and let his eyes fill up with tears again. "I think it is absolutely perfect."

Olivia wrapped her arm around Elliot's waist and leaned into him again. Never in her life had she felt so complete…to think that almost a year ago she was here finding out she had cancer was hard to wrap her head around. That day she had thought her life was over…she saw no way of recovering from that diagnosis.

And yet…here she was cancer free and surrounded by her family and friends who she loved more than anything. And on the other side of the window…there was a baby girl who would be coming home with her because she was her daughter.

Yes…Hope was the perfect name because without hope Olivia would not be standing here today alongside the man she loved more than anything else. Life was good.

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><p><strong>I hope you liked the chapter! I have been getting some really nasty reviews I've had to remove so please don't send any. Remember this site is a place for people to use their imagination and creativity. I'm not a professional writer and I'm sure that I make mistakes that I sometimes miss. I'm only human! I'll try and update before the week is over. Thanks again for your patience and prayers!<br>**


	28. Chapter 28

**Hey guys! So this is the last chapter of the story and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been supporting this story and me! It's strange how the story kind of ended up imitating my real life as I was writing. I never in a million years expected my Dad to be diagnosed with Colon Cancer when I was writing a story about Olivia having Breast Cancer. My Dad seems to be in good spirits though and everyone's support has meant a lot to me. I hope you like the way the story ends. Remember to read all the way through! And keep an eye out for a new story I am currently cooking up at the moment :)**

**Thanks again for everything and enjoy the last chapter :) **

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><p>Six months later life could not have been any better for Olivia and Elliot. They had bought a house close to Kathy's so the rest of his kids didn't have to travel to far to see them. Olivia was back in the swing of things, she even was working part time alongside her friends and family again.<p>

Little Hope was growing with each passing day and was the light of Olivia and Elliot's life. The sound of her laugh was the one thing that could warm Olivia's heart no matter what. It was still hard to believe how far they had come in the last year and a half but she knew she wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Olivia was standing in front of the mirror in her bedroom putting in the diamond earrings Elliot had given her last week. Today was the day that she was going to officially become Mrs. Olivia Stabler…it still felt like a dream to her.

She turned her head from side to side to look at her reflection. Her hair had finally grown back and it was long enough for her liking now. She had pinned it back a little with bobby pins and even put a small flower in her hair. She sighed happily and went to go reach for her lipstick when Hope began to fuss in her crib, which was in the corner of the room.

She smiled and walked over to her daughter. "Hey little lady…what's wrong? You should be happy! Mommy and Daddy are finally getting married today!"

Hope just gargled and reached her small hand out towards her Mom's face. Olivia laughed and admired the precious baby in her arms. Her brown hair came in little ringlets just like Michael's hair had been. Her eyes were sea green and shone with such brightness and wonder it melted Olivia's heart every time she saw them. Her small little button nose was cute enough to nibble and her rosy red, plump cheeks made everyone smile.

She laughed as Hope tried desperately to reach for the flower in her hair. "You're going to mess up your Mommy's hair little girl."

Hope just tilted her head to the side and stared up at her Mother with confused, wide eyes. Olivia smiled and leaned forward to kiss her cheek gently just as the door cracked open slightly.

"Olivia?" Casey called into the room softly.

Olivia smiled at her friend. "Hey Casey. Come on in."

Casey pushed the door open further and was followed by Alex and Melinda who were all dressed and ready for the wedding. "We just wanted to see if you needed any help getting ready."

Olivia smiled at three of her best friends. "I do need help putting on the dress."

Melinda walked over to her and smiled. "Let me take the little Princess so you can finish getting ready."

Olivia smiled and handed her daughter over to Melinda. Alex walked to the closet and took out the dress Olivia had picked for the wedding and Casey gasped as she looked at it for the first time.

"Olivia it is absolutely beautiful…" Casey said with tears in her eyes.

Olivia smiled and walked towards Alex who unzipped it for her. "Thanks Casey."

She held onto Casey's hand as Alex held the dress open and she slipped into it. Her friends pulled it up around her and Casey zipped it up in the back. Olivia took a deep breath and turned around again to face the window as her three friends stared at her in awe.

The white dress was made of lace and hugged her curves in a way that accentuated her body. The silky white sash around her waist was tied in a bow at her back. The dress had a sweetheart neckline and was strapless, a simple but beautiful diamond pendent hung at her neck, which was a gift from Fin, Munch and Cragen.

She licked her lips and shrugged. "So what do you think?"

Alex put a hand to her mouth with tears in her eyes. "Olivia…you are without a doubt the most beautiful bride I have ever seen."

Olivia laughed and shook her head. "You have to say that because you're one of my best friends."

Melinda shook her head. "She doesn't have to say it but she is right Olivia. You look breathtakingly beautiful…"

Olivia put a nervous hand on her stomach as it began to swarm with butterflies. "I don't know why I'm so nervous…I love Elliot. This is what I want…and yet I'm terrified."

"Pre-wedding jitters are normal Olivia…but Elliot loves you more than anything. This is the start of a brand new life for you." Alex said putting a hand on her arm gently.

Olivia nodded slowly. "I know. I guess I just still can't believe this is all happening, ya know? I mean a year and a half ago Elliot wasn't in my life anymore and I honestly thought I was going to die. And here I am today…I have a full bill of health…a beautiful baby girl…" She said smiling at her baby in Melinda's arm. "Five amazing soon to be step children and a man who loves me unconditionally." She laughed and shook her head. "How the hell did I get so lucky?"

"You don't give yourself enough credit Olivia. You've done so much for so many people in your life without ever asking for anything in return. Now it's your turn to be happy…" Casey said smiling at her.

Olivia smiled and reached for her hand. "Well I wouldn't be here if you three hadn't have supported me through all of this. I'm so glad you're here."

Melinda smiled. "We wouldn't miss this for the world Olivia."

Olivia smiled just as Kathleen peeked her head in the bedroom. "Sorry to interrupt…but we're just about ready downstairs."

"Okay. We're all ready here…" Olivia said as she lifted her dress up and slipped on her heels.

"You look beautiful Olivia." Kathleen said smiling at her from the doorway. "Dad is going to die when he sees you…"

Olivia laughed. "I hope he doesn't."

Everyone smiled and Casey and Alex helped fix up Olivia's make up. Kathleen went back downstairs and smiled at her Dad who was waiting to go outside to the backyard when Kathleen gave him the okay. He was surrounded by all of his five kids, and he couldn't help but smile at them all.

"She's ready." Kathleen said walking over to her family. "And she looks absolutely beautiful."

Elliot smiled. "She always does."

"So you really ready for this Dad? There's still time to run if you need too…" Dickie said nudging him jokingly.

Elliot laughed and shook his head. "No way. I'm never running from Olivia or you guys again. I promised remember?"

Dickie smiled and patted his Dad on the back. "I know Dad. I'm just kidding…" He shrugged. "You know…we're really happy Dad. For you and Olivia I mean…and for the family."

Elliot smiled and clapped his song on the back too. "I know Dickie. I know…"

Casey walked down the steps with Hope in her arms and Alex and Melinda following her. "You better get outside and down that aisle Elliot. You don't want to see Olivia before she starts walking towards you, do you?"

Elliot smiled and led the way towards the backyard with all his kids following him. They passed Cragen who was walking inside because he was going to walk Olivia down the aisle. The kids had set up the chairs, flowers, lights and one of Maureen's friends was playing the violin for the ceremony.

Casey, Melinda and Alex were all Olivia's bridesmaids. As the music began to play, Casey headed down the aisle first with Hope in her arms, Melinda followed soon after her.

Cragen looped his arm with Olivia's and smiled at her. "You ready for this?"

She smiled at her boss and one of her best friends. "Definitely."

"I'm so proud of you Olivia. You've come such a long way since I first met you…" He said with tears in his eyes.

Olivia let out a shaky breath as Alex walked into the backyard and down the aisle behind Melinda. "Oh don't make me cry Cap…"

Cragen smiled gently. "I don't want to make you cry. But I just want you to know that I love you and that I am so happy for you and Elliot. I know you haven't had the easiest life…but you have conquered every challenge you have faced. You inspire me everyday Olivia…"

Olivia leaned over and kissed his cheek gently. "Only because you have supported me all along the way."

Cragen smiled and squeezed her arm gently again. "Well…let's go get you married Olivia. I think you and Elliot have waited long enough."

Olivia smiled back at him and then let him lead her towards the back door. She took a deep breath as they walked outside together and all of their friends and family stood to watch them with smiles on their faces. She knew they were all looking at her, but Olivia only had eyes for Elliot.

He was standing at the end of the aisle with his Priest, Fin, Munch and Dickie were at his side across from Alex, Casey who was still holding Hope and Melinda. She saw him take a deep breath as he took her in for the first time, and his eyes began to water.

She winked at him and his smile grew wider as she practically floated down the aisle on Cragen's arm. When they finally made it to the end, Olivia's heart was beating so fast she thought she could faint. But as soon as Elliot took her hand, all her worries and fears began to melt away.

She turned back to Cragen who leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "Love you Don."

He smiled at her as he pulled away. "Love you too Olivia."

Cragen shook hands with Elliot and then he faced his bride again. She took a deep breath and Elliot smiled at her, "You look beautiful."

"You don't look so bad yourself mister." She whispered back to him.

The priest cleared his throat and began his speech about love and the sanctity of marriage. Olivia and Elliot were so lost in each other's eyes they didn't seem to move until it was their time to recite their vows. They chose the traditional vows that millions of other couples had exchanged. There was something romantic about the tradition of it all that made them want to use them.

By the time it was time to exchange their rings, Olivia was fighting the urge to fall into Elliot's arms and kiss him. Elliot smiled because he could tell she was just as eager as he was to officially become husband and wife.

"Elliot please place this ring on Elliot's finger and repeat after me…" Olivia smiled and took Elliot's hand as she slipped it on his finger. "With this ring…I thee wed."

Olivia smiled up at him and whispered. "With this ring…I thee wed."

Elliot winked at her as a tear fell down her cheek; he took her ring from Dickie and waited for the Priest to instruct him. "And Elliot…please place this ring on Olivia's finger and repeat after me…" Elliot slipped the ring onto her small finger. "With this ring…I thee wed."

He took a deep breath and with confidence said, "With this ring…I thee wed."

"Well then by the power invested in me by the State of New York…I now pronounce you husband and wife." The Priest said.

Olivia's smile grew wider as her friends and family began to cheer, Elliot leaned forward and kissed her passionately on the lips. She couldn't help but giggle as he started to prep her face with kisses before finding his way back to his lips.

He finally pulled away and smiled at her. "Why hello Mrs. Stabler."

She smiled and caressed his cheek gently. "Mrs. Stabler…I like the sound of that."

He smiled again and leaned forward to kiss her gently before taking her hand and leading her down the aisle of their backyard. Their friends and family threw rose petals at them as they went and Olivia had never felt so complete in her life. When they finally got back to the house, Elliot pulled her aside to the foyer in the front and smiled at her.

"I love you Olivia." He said honestly and confidently.

She smiled and leaned up to remove a rose petal from his hair. "I love you too Elliot. Never in a million years did I think I would be here…that I would be this happy. Thank you…for everything. For loving me and supporting me through everything…I feel so lucky to have you in my life."

Elliot's eyes began to water as he smiled at her. "Liv…if you hadn't showed up at my Mom's house a year and a half ago…I would still be hiding. You bring out the best in me…you make me want to fight for everything that is good and you make me feel like I'm worth something. Words can't express how much you mean to me…but I can tell you right now that I'm not going anywhere. I'm in this forever…"

Olivia smiled. "Well that's good…because so am I."

Elliot pulled her against him again and kissed her with all the passion he could find within him. Olivia snaked her arms up around his neck and held him as close as possible, everything was finally falling into place. And for the first time in her life…she was truly happy.

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><p><em><strong>Epilogue<br>5 Years Later**_

_It was a warm spring day as Elliot pulled up on the curve and parked his car. He took a deep breath and reached for the flowers on the passenger seat. He opened the door and stepped out into the warm air, the grass was a beautiful shade of green and perfectly cut. His feet moved their way slowly to towards his destination before he knelt down and placed the flowers in front of the grey stone._

_It was hard to believe it had been two years since she had passed away. He still missed her with all of his heart but he knew that she was in a better place and someday they would be together again. He smiled to himself and said a little prayer to her before rubbing his hands over the cool stone._

_"Happy Birthday. I love you." He whispered before turning around and walking back towards his car._

_On his drive home he turned up the radio and put the windows down to take in the cool spring night. When he pulled up in front of his house he parked in his usual spot and stepped out happy to be home. He walked up the front steps and went to open the door but someone beat him to the punch._

_"Daddy!" Five-year-old Hope said as she clutched the teddy bear Michael had given her._

_She rarely let it leave her side and had named him Mr. Noodles. Olivia and Elliot had told her whom the bear was from, but she was only five years old and didn't understand it fully. Someday they would explain it more to her when she was old enough to fully get it._

_Elliot smiled and leaned down to scoop her up. "Hey sweet pea." He said kissing her rosy cheeks._

_"How was work?" Hannah asked as she wrapped her arms around his neck, still clutching Mr. Noodles in one hand._

_"It was good. But I'm glad to be home. How was your day?" He asked walking further into the house._

_"I finger painted today! I made you a picture!" Hope said as the smile grew on her face._

_Elliot smiled and ruffled her brown curly locks. "I can't wait to see it!"_

_When he got into the kitchen, Elliot smiled and placed Hope back down on the ground. He walked over to the counter and leaned forward to kiss her cheek._

_"Hey beautiful." Elliot said smiling._

_Olivia looked up at her husband and smiled. "Hey honey. Did you go and visit your Mom?"_

_Elliot smiled sadly and nodded. "I did. I brought her flowers for her birthday."_

_Olivia smiled and caressed his cheek gently. "I bet she really appreciates that."_

_He sighed and leaned against the counter. "I can't believe it's been two years since she passed away."_

_Olivia frowned sadly. "I know you miss her…"_

_Elliot nodded slowly and walked around her towards the highchair where their second adopted child Aiden was sitting. "How's my boy doing today?"_

_Olivia smiled as he lifted the two-year-old boy into his arms. "He's good. He actually went down for his nap today which was the first time this week."_

_Elliot smiled and kissed his sons cheek. "What a little devil you can be. But you are one handsome boy."_

_Olivia smiled as Hope ran back into the kitchen with the picture she had painted for Elliot. "Here Daddy!"_

_Elliot smiled and took the paper from her, he smiled down at the color filled page. "It is beautiful Hope. I'm going to bring it to work and put it in my locker so I can see it everyday. Okay?"_

_Hope smiled and nodded. "Okay!" She turned back to Olivia. "Mom can I play before dinner?"_

_Olivia nodded as she continued cooking dinner. "For a few minutes. And then you need to wash up before we eat okay?"_

_Hope smiled and ran towards the living room where her chest of toys was waiting. Elliot put Aiden back in his high chair and let him go back to eating the cheerios on the tray. He walked over to Olivia and looked more closely at the meal she was preparing. He noticed it was all of his favorite things._

_"Steak, mashed potatoes, asparagus…" He squinted his eyes at her. "Is this a special occasion?"_

_Olivia smiled and swatted his hand away as he tried to reach into the salad bowl. "I invited the kids over for dinner. They wanted to celebrate your Mom's birthday."_

_Elliot smiled and kissed her cheek before quickly taking a tomato out of the bowl. "Great. That will be fun."_

_Just then the front door open and Elliot's five other children walked in. "Are we late?" Eli asked running towards his Dad._

_At ten years old he was growing more and more each day, Elliot smiled and hugged his kids. "Nope. Right on time."_

_"Need some help setting the table?" Maureen asked Olivia._

_"Please. That would be great." Olivia said as she started to mash the potatoes._

_Dickie kneeled in front of his brother Aiden and helped him eat his cheerios. "We brought a red velvet cake since it was Grandma Bernie's favorite."_

_"She would have loved that." Elliot said smiling as he helped Maureen and Kathleen set the table for dinner._

_"Olivia said she had something else to celebrate as well." Lizzie said smiling at her step-mom. "But she wouldn't tell us what it was…"_

_"Something else to celebrate?" Elliot asked looking at his wife curiously. "Did I forget about something important today?"_

_Olivia laughed as she put her the potatoes in a large serving bowl. "No. You didn't forget anything important."_

_"So what is the other thing we need to celebrate?" Kathleen asked as she carried the salad over to the table._

_Olivia shook her head. "Hope! Come wash your hands for dinner!"_

_"Are you going to ignore the question forever?" Dickie asked her teasingly._

_Olivia smiled and took a bottle of wine out of the fridge before walking over to the table. "Can we sit down first?"_

_"So it's a big deal then?" Maureen asked as she brought the potatoes and steak over to the table._

_Elliot followed his wife and kids who were just as curious as he was. Hope sat in her seat beside Elliot and smiled up at him, she loved it when the rest of her brothers and sisters were over._

_Maureen poured the wine in the glasses for all those that were over twenty-one, then she turned expectantly to Olivia. "Okay. We're sitting. What's up?"_

_Olivia smiled and lifted her glass. "Well first I think we should raise a glass to the amazing Bernie Stabler who we miss and love everyday."_

_Everyone lifted their own glasses and Elliot smiled. "Happy Birthday Mom."_

_They took sips of their drinks and then turned back to Olivia, waiting to hear what else she had to say. "I had an appointment today with Dr. Cooper and she ran some tests…"_

_Everyone seemed to be holding their breath together as Elliot urged her on, his heart pounding. "And?"_

_Olivia smiled and stared directly at her husband. "And…I am officially in remission."_

_The table erupted in cheers and Elliot couldn't keep his eyes off of his wife. "You're serious?"_

_Olivia smiled at him as she finished hugging Lizzie. "Yup. It's been five years since there was any trace of tumors…that means I'm in remission."_

_Elliot's kids looked over at him and waited for his response, he smiled and stood up before walking over to her. She stared up at him as he leaned over her, the smile growing on his face. "I love you…"_

_Olivia smiled up at him and caressed his cheek gently. "I love you too."_

_Hope looked at her brothers and sisters feeling confused. "What does remission mean?"_

_Maureen smiled and wrapped an arm around her youngest sister. "It means Mom is very, very healthy. Remember how we told you she was sick before you were born?"_

_Hope nodded her head. "I remember."_

_Dickie smiled at Hope. "It means that Mom is doing really well and there is no sign of her sickness anymore."_

_Hope smiled and looked at her Mom and Dad, Elliot was still standing beside Olivia with his arm around her. "I'm happy for you Mommy!"_

_Olivia smiled at her daughter and leaned into her husband. "Well thank you baby. I'm pretty happy myself."_

_Elliot lifted his glass in the air. "Well in light of this amazing news…I think we have two amazing women to toast. To my Mom, I know she is here with us in spirit and shining down on us from heaven everyday." He looked down at his wife as his kids lifted their glasses. "And too my incredibly beautiful wife…who I would completely lost without. Here is to your health and happiness…not just for another five years…but for the rest of our lives."_

_"Here, here!" Everyone said cheering and clinking their glasses together._

_Elliot leaned down and kissed his wife again gently before returning to his chair. For the rest of the meal, they ate, laughed and talked about how good life truly was. The house was big enough for everyone to sleep over, and later that night Olivia went to put Aiden to bed as Elliot waited in their bedroom._

_She smiled at him as she walked into the room. "He's finally asleep."_

_Elliot smiled as he watched her begin to change for bed. "Good. Hopefully he'll go back to his usual sleeping patterns."_

_She slipped on one of Elliot's shirts and crawled into bed with him. "I hope so."_

_"Thank you for making such a great dinner and celebrating my Mom tonight." He said reaching over to squeeze her knee._

_Olivia smiled and put her hand over his. "Of course honey. You know I loved your Mom like she was my own Mother. We all miss her…"_

_"Well today was even more special with your news." He said smiling at her before leaning forward to kiss her gently. "You have no idea how happy I am baby."_

_Olivia smiled and moved so she could cuddle up with Elliot more. "I'm so happy too El. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I had an appointment…I just wanted to get the news from her before I told everyone ya know?"_

_He smiled and wrapped a hand in her hair, twirling the strands with his fingers. "I understand. It's just hard to believe that its' been five years since you were battling cancer and we got married."_

_Olivia smiled at him. "I know right? I feel like the time has just flown by…"_

_"Well with two little ones running through this house we haven't had much time to relax in five years." Elliot said smirking._

_Olivia chuckled. "No we haven't…but I wouldn't change any of it."_

_"I wouldn't either…" He said as he leaned down to kiss her head gently._

_"Hey El?" She whispered softly as she turned to look at him._

_"Yes?" He asked with a smile as he looked down at her as he continued to run his hands through her hair._

_"I know I've said it a thousand times but…thank you." She said smiling at him with tears in her eyes._

_He smiled and brushed a tear away from his thumb. "You have said it a thousand times and you should know by now that you have nothing to thank me for."_

_She sighed. "But I do El! When we found out I was sick…you were going through so much in your life. And not once did you ever run from what was happening. I honestly believe if you hadn't come back into my life at that time…the outcome of all of this would have been very different."_

_Elliot smiled at her. "Liv you weren't the only one that needed support then. I would probably still be hiding away if you hadn't showed up at my Mom's house that day. I was stubborn and scared…but the minute I saw you I knew I could face anything again. We've been partners in more ways then one for almost twenty years now. We're good together."_

_She smiled and rested a hand on his chest. "Yes. We really are good together."_

_Elliot leaned down and kissed her passionately. "What do you say we celebrate your good news on our own?"_

_Olivia laughed as his hands began to roam her body. "What did you have in mind dear husband?"_

_Elliot smiled against her neck as he trailed kisses over her body. "I was thinking about making love until the sun comes up…"_

_"Mmmm…" Olivia moaned as his hands slid down her sides. "That sounds like a very good plan to me…"_

_He made his way back up to be face to face with her. "I love you Olivia Benson Stabler…more than you could possibly know."_

_Olivia's smile grew wider on her face. "Probably about as much as I love you…which is a whole hell of a lot."_

_He smiled and leaned down to kiss her again. "Congratulations baby. I'm so proud and happy for you."_

_Olivia smiled and pushed her hands up his shirt. "Make love to me Elliot…"_

_Elliot smiled and leaned forward to kiss her again. Six years ago he never would have thought this was the way his life would turn out but he was so incredibly grateful for everything he had. As he made love to the woman he loved he said a silent prayer to God for not taking her from him five years ago._

_She was everything he had ever wanted and more and he knew he would never run from her or the rest of his family again. Family meant everything to the both of them, and they knew no matter what they faced…they would be able to handle it together._

_After all it was the two of them against the rest of the world._

_The perfect team._

_Now. And forever._

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><p><strong>I hope I didn't scare away a lot of you before you finished reading the epilogue! Hahahaha! I hope you enjoyed it as well! I'll hopefully have a new story up soon. Much love to you all :) <strong> 


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